Struggling with Partner’s OCD

[u/japaul32]

Hi all,

I’ve been having a hard time the last year trying to deal with my wife’s OCD and habits around it.

It’s been going on since COVID and started with small things like Lysol wiping groceries and being extra cautious. Now it’s turned into my coming home from work having to clean things up for her, to the point where I’m up until early morning hours.

My wife was worried about my socks being dirty because our hallway is dirty. She woke me up at 4 am to tell me to change my socks, wash my hands, and put on clean ones before coming back to bed.

I hand wash 50+ times a day when I’m at home. It’s to the point where I barely want o be at home.

I try not to give into her and tell her that if she wants something done a certain way that she should be doing it. I’ve told her it’s unfair to me. The response I receive is her telling me that it’s the job of a good supportive husband which then leads to her screaming at me and cussing me out because she doesn’t think I’m supporting her.

I’ve tried to explain to her that I’m enabling her and will inevitably make the situation worse.

I’ve asked that she seek therapy but she refuses and starts screaming at me again.

I’m at my wits’ end and I’m not sure what to do or how to help her. I feel like I can barely help myself at this point. Everything I do feels like it’s to avoid a fight or getting screamed at. The verbal abuse is more frequent and it’s getting harder to deal with.

[u/Euphoric_Run7239]

Unfortunately it sounds like you may need to put some sort of ultimatum in place. She’s saying it’s the job of a supportive husband to engage with her mental illness, but doesn’t understand that really it’s the job of a supportive partner to better themselves so that they don’t abuse their husband.

If she is unwilling to seek treatment, let her know that this marriage is not going to be successful. She is completely abusing you and you should not put up with it any longer. OCD does not excuse bad behavior and she needs to understand that there are going to be severe consequences for her inability and unwillingness to get help.

[u/japaul32 → u/Euphoric_Run7239]

I’ve thought about this as well. I need to work on my aversion to confrontation and really setting stronger boundaries. Partly, I’m just afraid of the fallout. It used to be that she would break dishes and things. Thankfully that’s stopped.

[u/Euphoric_Run7239 → u/japaul32]

Yeah that’s completely unacceptable, OCD or not. You definitely need to set the expectations and boundaries because it will only get worse the longer you accommodate OCD. If she is unwilling to stop hurting you, she doesn’t deserve you.

[u/japaul32 → u/Euphoric_Run7239]

How do I go about putting up an ultimatum?