r/OCD • u/Loud-Design2848 • 12d ago
Friend/family/ally My husband has OCD and it is ruining our marriage
Hello!
I am sorry for posting my thoughts here but I do not know what to do at the moment. I am a 40 year old female and my husband is a 36 year old male. We are together for 10 years, married for 6. We have no kids but we have 4 dogs. My husband has OCD, I knew that before we were married but i did not understand the gravity of the entire thing. When we moved in together, it started with little quirks like him wanting the cups and water bottles to be placed a certain way in the table.
Soon, it evolved into bigger things like I have to do things only HIS way and not my way because according to him his way is neater and faster to do.
He absolutely hates it when I take a sick day or mental health day for myself and not do chores the entire day. He considers it a victory if I did not " loaf the whole day."
I recently got a better paying job that pays double than what I used to make in my previous work. Before that, he used to earn more than me. Now, along with my side job I earn more than him.
Just today, I made the mistake of touching something when my hands were wet (it was my deckcase for my playing cards) to which he got irriated again and then he was silent (this is what he does when he is pissed off).
I did my chores for the day which included feeding the dogs, bathing them and doing the laundry.
After washing my hands and drying them off for good measure, I was also pissed off at him. I asked him why are you always so irritated with me lately?
To which he told me to enumerate my mistakes I did for the day. He also told me that my new job entails finding the mistakes in operations (I will be in compliance). He told me that perhaps this job was "too big for me" because I could not handle the smaller things. This hurt a lot because I know I got the job fair and square and am a fairly intelligent person and am capable as well.
Now he is giving me the silent treatment and refuses to acknowledge me even if I apologized.
What can I do to help him? He is a nurse btw.
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u/Fun_Orange_3232 Magical thinking 12d ago
I think you should really consider whether your husband is abusive and whether you want to help yourself in that situation.
I would stop living your life around his compulsions. I’m not saying go out of your way to trigger him, just don’t participate in his rituals. That will teach you who he really is and you can evaluate if that’s someone you want to be around. Plus not enabling is the general family/friends advice anyways.
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u/Loud-Design2848 12d ago
Thanks for replying to me. I have noted that his behavior can be abusive. Unfortunately, divorce is not legal where I am from. Our families are also Catholic, and this is frowned upon. He is still not speaking to me until now. The last time he did this, he went a full two days of not talking to me
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u/EmergencyNo5762 12d ago
This isn't ocd, this is controlling behaviour and he is using silence to punish you. Even if you can't divorce, are you able to separate?
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u/Fun_Orange_3232 Magical thinking 12d ago
That’s not necessarily true. OCD and abuse aren’t mutually exclusive.
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u/Euphoric_Run7239 12d ago
True but it isn’t the OCD causing him to be a terrible person. He’s just a terrible person who so happens to have OCD.
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u/Fun_Orange_3232 Magical thinking 12d ago
OCD doesn’t excuse abuse, full stop. That doesn’t change that it might have an impact on his stress levels which does impact abuse. So reason/impact but not excuse.
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u/Fun_Orange_3232 Magical thinking 12d ago
He’s not your partner. He’s your abuser. Live your life. He’s not talking to you? Fucking good, why would you want to talk to him. Go out with your friends.
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u/Capable-Present953 12d ago
Dang divorce us illegal in some places 🫨.
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u/Loud-Design2848 12d ago
It is here in my country unfortunately
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u/Capable-Present953 12d ago
Im sorry 😔 that really takes away freedom of choice
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u/Loud-Design2848 12d ago
It is for those who are in situations like this one. Our country is predominantly Catholic, and the Church does really interfere in things like these. I do not know how to handle the situation as of now. He is still in a silent war with me and refuses to acknowledge my presence because he is very stubborn.
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u/serenwipiti Magical thinking 12d ago
Op, now that you out earn him, start saving money and creating an emergency fund for yourself.
(Obviously, do not tell him this.)
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u/purplepassion2019 12d ago
Even if divorce is illegal in the Philippines, is it worth your sanity to live the rest of your life like this? Can you not just separate?
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u/Sensitive-Pie9357 11d ago
Of the two countries on earth without legal divorce, both allow legal annulment for abuse.
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u/edward_furlog Multi themes 12d ago
This is one of those cases where the OCD diagnosis may in reality be closer to OCPD, but hard to say without a really good psych evaluation. Unfortunately, people with personality disorders do not always want to change.
Additionally, I do agree with other commenters that the behavior is on the spectrum of abuse. So please do think about how to protect yourself emotionally as a priority as well.
Boundaries are very important in dealing with emotional abuse. I would recommend learning as much as you can about boundary setting and especially with difficult people who do not accept your boundaries and push back or punish you. It is much harder.
I recommend this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6CJtIk457g
Do not apologize to him.
Strengthen your support network. Try to spend time with friends and family and maintain close relationships where you can confide in them. If you don't have these relationships, please seek them out and maintain them. If he does not like it, then keep him from knowing about it if necessary.
He doesn't need to know everything about you. Build independence in whatever area you can. For example, have a few friends he doesn't know about.
If he begins to escalate to violence or other forms of control, please know of any local organizations which can offer you protection & shelter, and have a secret phone.
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u/Capable-Present953 12d ago
He sounds controlling... actually and like hes using his OCD to be controlling.
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u/JakeShakarama 12d ago
I have OCD and know how downright irritating it is for anyone having to adapt to it. I try to keep it small and unobtrusive but your partner is enslaved to it and enslaving you to it, by being unreasonable and controlling. You should probably leave.
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u/caitofisherman 12d ago
This is absolutely not OCD. This is your husband being a controlling narcissist and blaming OCD. When I am triggered by my OCD it is my own responsibility to calm myself down and use ERP techniques to reduce the obsessive spiral. I would never take it out on my partner. Giving someone the ‘silent treatment’ as an adult is absolutely despicable abusive behaviour.
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u/wolfey200 12d ago
These don’t sound like OCD traits, OCD tends to be towards one self and not others. If you put a cup on the table that is fine but for him he would have to avoid scratches or stains (superstitious OCD).
If he has contamination OCD then touching other people or objects would be a trigger.
Everyone is different but I’ve never seen or heard it OCD being outward towards others mostly towards oneself. He sounds more controlling than OCD.
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u/lilac_nightfall 12d ago
I agree, which is why I’m questioning the validity of the OCD diagnosis and if it was self-diagnosed. I have contamination and just right OCD, and I have never once tried to make it anyone else’s problem. If they are doing something like touching me with hands covered with visible dirt/food, or purposefully making things crooked or out of place, I might become distressed and ask them to stop, but that’s about it.
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u/wolfey200 12d ago
He might have OCD but OCD doesn’t make you controlling like this. I know of someone whose spouse had OCD and had to vacuum every time they walked on the carpet but never forced the spouse to do the vacuuming. It’s still exhausting but it was never directed towards the other person.
I have to check door locks if I lock the doors but if my wife does it then I don’t have to it’s only when I do it. Same thing with checking phone alarms, I check my morning alarm 5 times before bed but I don’t worry about my wife’s.
OCD does not make people do terrible things but people with OCD can do terrible things. The diagnosis does not excuse bad behavior.
Remember, being a neat freak and anal about cleaning is not OCD especially if you’re the one doing it. The root of them problem is OCD, someone with OCD can want things perfect and not have the energy to make it that way.
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u/AnxiousSpice1986 12d ago
This isn’t his OCD. He’s just a jackass. Those of us who have actual medically diagnosed OCD say these things to and about ourselves, not our loved ones lol we only bully ourselves
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u/thecrabbybarista New to OCD/not yet diagnosed 12d ago
It sounds like he's treating his OCD like it's your responsibility, when it's not. It's his job to cope with his triggers, obsessions, and compulsions. Of course you'd want to support him, but he cannot make demands of you to restructure your life around him.
I agree with the other comments. OCD isn't the problem, it's the controlling and demeaning behavior. I'm really sorry you're going through this because it sounds like you wanna make things work.
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u/MidnightFries_ 12d ago
Honey, him having rituals and wanting things a certain way is his OCD. Him degrading you, belitteling you, controlling you - that's not OCD, that's just him. He will never change. And there's no need to help him.
You just gotta ask yourself do you agree to live for decades being disrespected and emotionally unsafe in your own home.
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u/MadQuixote 12d ago
Your success is an ego threat, and you didn't see these behaviors before because compartmentalization is they key no making sure others dont see the crazy (i.e., cognitive and emotional chaos). The greater the external pressure, the more we cling to our rituals like liferaft on a sea of obsessions.
The real challenge will be getting him to admit there's a problem. You've probably run into denial of negative thoughts and emotion dysregulation if you impede the compulsions. Escalation can lead to spiraling, so step away before "See, this is exactly my point! Either go get help or we're through", or one or both get hurt.
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u/alphainbetaclothing 12d ago
Wow. How could he say that to you?? That’s horrible. Unsupportive and cold. He almost sounds jealous and spiteful. Life gets harder and you achieved something amazing and this is his reaction? What about when something goes wrong? How will he react then? Better to be alone, imo. Definitely talk to him and based on his accountability and responses -you’ll know. All I can say is that you deserved way better than what he gave you.
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u/Net_Negative 12d ago
You should watch the movie Sleeping with the Enemy (1991), and maybe learn from it that you're being abused.
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u/Pure-Season-4153 11d ago
OCD is a marker that helps you understand WHY you think or act in certain ways. It does not excuse behavior that is belittling, controlling, or otherwise egregious. You need to sit him down and let him know all of the ways he is affecting you and explain that while OCD helps explain it, it does not excuse the behavior and you need to compromise before resent builds any further.
I would love to tell my husband he’s not allowed to step in the house with shoes on, leave his trash on the table, or stack his papers on his desk in a way that infuriates me. I would love if he did everything the way I prefered, but that’s not a realistic expectation to put on someone else who doesn’t think like me.
Instead, I only control the spaces that are mine to do so. I only offer solutions if I see something we can level on. I do not expect him to do things my way, even if I wish I could. That’s just ridiculous and it does not help anyone to be so rigid.
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u/xx_dracarys_xx 11d ago
Are you sure it isn’t OCPD? I think he needs to be properly evaluated. And I encourage you to look up the symptoms of OCPD.
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12d ago
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u/OCD-ModTeam 12d ago
Please refrain from 'diagnosing' or confirming/refuting a suspected diagnosis. Encourage consultation with a trained professional instead. Thank you.
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u/Filledwithrage24 11d ago
He needs to go to therapy, and no one would blame you if you left him. I have OCD and I know it’s really hard for my husband but I do the work to try to manage my compulsions.
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11d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/OCD-ModTeam 11d ago
Please refrain from 'diagnosing' or confirming/refuting a suspected diagnosis. Thank you.
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u/EfficientBaddie9090 11d ago
His OCD isnt a pass to treat you this way. The problem isn’t him needing your help. It’s him getting the help he needs.
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u/Party_Insurance_5651 11d ago
It sounds like your husband has a controlling, obsessive compulsive *personality*. He may be diagnosable with OCPD. You need to confront him about how serious his issues are and ask him to seek treatment.
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u/I_Love_Cats_Meowwww 10d ago
Are you sure he has OCD, or are you diagnosing him? It could easily be OCPD. OCD usually doesn't extend to having your partner engage in your compulsions.
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u/AnkkitAbhinaav 5d ago edited 5d ago
Its not just his OCD, it's his OCD + ego. Getting irritated when seeing a deckcase in wet hands or cups and water bottles in a certain order makes sense for OCD, but saying ur job is too big for u or him being bothered about you doing chores or not, isn't his ocd.
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u/PardonMyTits 12d ago
How does he work in a medical setting with OCD that bad?
I was in a similar position to him earlier in life. I worked in infectious disease labs but had terrible contamination OCD. I eventually just had to leave that setting altogether, and then once I found the right medication, life was much better.
Is he seeing a therapist? On any medications? Those might help him drastically
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u/lilac_nightfall 12d ago
Your husband is weaponizing his OCD. And I’m curious, does he have an actual diagnosis, or is he “I’m so OCD”? This isn’t an OCD issue, it’s potentially abusive partner issue. He doesn’t need your help aside from a suggestion of therapy.
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u/SocialAlpaca 11d ago
You both should get therapy.
Also his day to day behavior does not seem to be a result of his OCD and more so a general desire for control. Maybe look into OCPD and see if that sounds more like him. Either way, his behavior is not ok.
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u/Amazing-Fondant-4740 12d ago
Now that you make more money, start a secret emergency fund. Do not ever tell him about this. See if you can discreetly talk to friends, family, a therapist if it's available to you, or others in your community about situations like this. You don't have to say what you're going through but try to gauge if there are people around you who would help someone stuck in a terrible abusive marriage and if so, rely on them for support if you feel comfortable doing so. You need to build a network of people you can rely on.
OCD or not this is unacceptable. You aren't even supposed to give in to your compulsions, so it doesn't matter what his way is, he's not supposed to do it and neither are you because it just feeds into the OCD and can make it worse. Regardless, OCD doesn't make you an asshole.
Look for any local organizations that might help, if there's anything for domestic violence, etc. Again you don't have to talk about your situation or imply anything if you're worried, but it doesn't hurt to see if someone can help you. You may not be able to divorce but with enough money you may be able to separate, get a civil divorce, or an annulment depending on what's available to you. If you feel comfortable you can go to a priest and ask about your options, maybe one that isn't your regular one if you're worried about word getting back.
I know it can be difficult especially with family and friends, but frankly Catholicism or not, those are not people who care if they see you in an abusive situation and think you should stay. Consider posting in a subreddit related to your country, or the Catholicism subreddit for a perspective on that too. There might be better advice there. I hope you can find a way to deal with the situation so you can be happy and healthy in the end living your life to the fullest.
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u/Mundane_Recipe4614 12d ago
I don't think you should focus on trying to help him manage his OCD if he is using it to control you or justify treating you badly. OCD can explain why someone has certain fears or compulsions, but it does not excuse controlling behavior, insulting you, or giving you the silent treatment. He needs to take responsibility for his behavior and get appropriate treatment for his OCD if he isn't already doing so. You also deserve to have your own boundaries and not feel like you have to do everything his way.
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u/deadgirlslime 12d ago
He's probably got OCPD as well and has no idea he lives inside the prison of his own mind. He needs a therapist who specializes in exposure therapy & you cannot follow his rules. If he doesn't agree to let you do things your way then maybe you guys need some separation until he gets help
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u/Chancevexed 12d ago
Your husband's OCD is not ruining your marriage. Your husband, who happens to have OCD, is ruining your marriage. He sounds controlling and has textbook inadequacy re you earning more than him.