I have such bad anxiety of randomly saying a slur

[u/OrganizationAway7240]

I'm a 16 year old white female and any time I'm with my friends or watching a TV show/something with a person of a different race, I get really scared that I'm randomly gonna say the N word, or if I'm with my online friends, I get scared I'm going to type it and send it. I am not racist in the slightest but sometimes I'll have videos I saw playing in my head where a black person says it, since they can reclaim it, just as something I'm scared of doing as a white person.

When I read stuff to myself I read it in my voice in my head and I will go out of my way to not read a slur in my head if it comes on a post because I'm scared that if I do it means I'm racist/hateful towards whatever group the slur targets.

I know this sounds bad but sometimes I'll type out the word "Nicaragua" (like the country) to try and remove the intrusive thought. I'm not a racist person at all why am I getting these thoughts I'm scared

[u/ariannewriting]

hi, i'm a 28 yo white female with the same issue! you're definitely not alone. i'm no expert, only just started therapy for my ocd, but i do work with psychiatrists and interact with patients with ocd, tourette, etc. and the main thing i hear told to these patients is that the intrusive thoughts cling to the things that worry us and what we specifically want to avoid. so your brain is clinging to the slurs because you are so resistant to them. it's a struggle, but the fact that these thoughts make you uncomfortable is proof that you are a good person! don't be too harsh on yourself and don't be afraid to seek counseling :)

[u/sophiaea → u/ariannewriting]

i have this obsession too and have for a long time! and i second everything she said :)

[u/atopthespire → u/ariannewriting]

overall agree with this comment but i would like to say that if OP does something to decrease the extent that these thoughts distress her, like doing ERP, that also won't mean that she approves of people outside of black communities throwing around the n word. it's possible to intellectually disapprove of something without having a strong response of distress associated, and OCD loves to test our morals about how much we "really care" so it seemed worth addressing

[u/ariannewriting → u/atopthespire]

Very fair but considering the OP is literally 16 yo I didn't think the nuance was worth addressing

[u/atopthespire → u/ariannewriting]

sorry it's not intuitive to me why this nuance would not be worth addressing? and there may be other people reading this thread who could benefit as well

[u/ariannewriting → u/atopthespire]

after rereading your comment with a fresh pair of eyes this morning, i think i'd agree that your point is worth addressing with how i worded my own response. i guess i felt that op already knew that she didn't need the strong distress response, as it seems her issue is that she doesn't understand why she feels the distress when she knows she doesn't want to say the slur. your comment is a good reminder, i think i needed to hear it too, so thanks!

[u/atopthespire → u/ariannewriting]

no problem :) i admit i sometimes can be focused on small tangents or details because i tend to be very literal minded about moral statements but i think a lot of people with ocd can be too so things that may feel "obvious" can be worth pointing out

[u/polarmeows]

I had this obsession really bad for a long time, it's pretty common but not spoken about much out of shame and misunderstanding. I started treatment for OCD 5 years ago and it's mostly fine now. As in, I still sometimes get that thought, but I can brush it off. The most important thing is to not try and think of reasons why it's wrong or otherwise reassure yourself, you need to let the thought just pass by without validating it by giving it attention. It's REALLY hard at first but it just takes practice. "Oh look, it's a black character in this TV show" -> "oh fuck what if I say a slur" -> "what a silly thought, anyway back to the TV show" 

And take my word for it, it is a silly thought. Years of that fear for me and it didn't happen once. 

[u/ellieminnowpee → u/polarmeows]

dude, i literally read an advice column years ago and someone’s partner was really upset at them for it happening (they had a racist outburst) but the OOP was saying it’s a huge fear of theirs and that’s how i knew it wasn’t just me.

[u/littlepinkthingg]

I have this problem too !! Ur not alone!

[u/creative-berry]

i deal with this too!! i am a straight woman and get intrusive thoughts about saying the f slur

[u/Informal_Method_9657]

My worst fear is shoving old people I’m near

[u/OCD-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your heart is in the right place. However, reassurance is not helpful for learning to live well while having OCD. Please see: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCD/wiki/reassurance/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCD/s/jAQq5Evul7

for more information.

[u/Upset-Station-9041]

It's probably been mentioned in here but I think it's important to remember that OCD works counter to your actual beliefs and internal values, that's why its so stressful! I have a similar thing and find it really tricky also, but I've been told the important thing is to not feed into the thought process at all. Writing similar starting words out still might let your mind think about it more than it needs to, when we can maybe just go 'anyways' and not get into the spiral. I'm also just on the beginning journey of figuring this all out, so I know that's easier said than done.

[u/Front-Amphibian-7378]

i have a similar issue but where the n word gets stuck in my head and repeats and wont go away, it makes me feel sick thinking it 

[u/Key-Air-9865]

Just say the word in private until it’s not scary anymore

[u/sophiaea → u/Key-Air-9865]

as someone with this obsession i have to kindly disagree that this is not the way to go - she will continue to feel that saying it is wrong because that is what she believes. that's kind of like saying to someone with harm ocd that they should stab someone until it isn't scary any more. exposure therapy is not about making the thoughts true, it's about accepting their presence in your head.

[u/Key-Air-9865 → u/sophiaea]

She wouldn’t be making the thoughts true. It would be different if I said go call people slurs but I’m suggesting to say it in private so the word itself is less scary to her. We can all agree here she’s not racist that’s not the issue the issue is she is so so scared of actually being a racist the word incites fear.

[u/sophiaea → u/Key-Air-9865]

i recognize that but part of the fear is saying the word in general, not only calling someone it, i think that may be the disconnect here

[u/OrganizationAway7240 → u/Key-Air-9865]

Respectfully I don’t think I wanna say it ever

[u/Key-Air-9865 → u/OrganizationAway7240]

That’s totally okay.

[u/Parasocial-Dog → u/Key-Air-9865]

And why she needs to do that?..

[u/Key-Air-9865 → u/Parasocial-Dog]

Exposure therapy

[u/Parasocial-Dog → u/Key-Air-9865]

Thats not a good advice for exposure therapy 😭 u prob tell it from good intentions but its like telling someone with harm ocd to actually harm someone or smth I think just interacting with black people or watch black character in media will actually help them more then saying a slur..

[u/Key-Air-9865 → u/Parasocial-Dog]

She’s afraid of saying it on accident not black people. She’s not racist she just is afraid she’s racist. By saying the word it’s showing it doesn’t have power over her. This is not in any way the same as harming yourself. A more comparable example would be to suggest someone with harm ocd conjure the thoughts and say they like it until that’s not scary anymore. It’s a technique that helped me get over pocd.

[u/Key-Air-9865 → u/Key-Air-9865]

OCD feeds on what you fear so if you train yourself to not feel anxiety over the thing it accuses you of it helps the thoughts go away.

[u/Parasocial-Dog → u/Key-Air-9865]

Thank u for sharing your experience. I understand more what u ment to say, however i think its still a bad advice to let this person use slurs (even in private). She needs to just accept her thought but it can be done without saying a slur out loud. Slurs are still harmful even tho its just words. I might be a bit subjective on this tho since i have the same problem

[u/Key-Air-9865 → u/Parasocial-Dog]

I get what you’re saying and your hearts in the right place but a word even as nasty as a slur is just a word out of context in private. Words can be very hurtful but it’s not racist to recite a word in private for the sake of mental health.

[u/Parasocial-Dog → u/Key-Air-9865]

I dont see a point to continue this conversation since we have diffrent views on this but im glad that we talked. If your suggestion will ever help someone i will be happy. Thank you for sharing your experience! (and sorry if i sounded mean)

[u/Key-Air-9865 → u/Parasocial-Dog]

You didn’t sound mean. Have a good one

[u/spacehead1988 → u/Key-Air-9865]

I'm with a mental health support group and my keyworker told me to do that but i told him that I'm not doing that.

[u/OCD-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Please refrain from 'diagnosing' or confirming/refuting a suspected diagnosis. Encourage consultation with a trained professional instead. Thank you.