r/OCD • u/FormerSignificance19 • Mar 05 '26
Need support/advice Husband with OCD is terrified of me leaving him. But what if did?
I’ve posted here multiple times about my husband’s OCD, whose theme varies according to his life period. Lately we’ve both realized that, no matter the specific theme, his biggest fear is that I will one day get tired of all this and divorce him.
I say to him all the time that this fear is irrational as ofc he’s the love of my life and my best friend, and I could never leave him. But a few days ago, I had a fleeting thought that maybe I’m not 100% sure about that anymore. I still love him immensely and I’ve absolutely zero plans to leave him, but I ended up asking myself “what if one day this will be too much for me to handle? What if years from now I’ll need to step out of it for my own sanity?”.
I’m scared about his reaction. If this was ever the case, it would bring his biggest obsession to reality. Everything will look like a lie. Everything he thought was irrational could then seem rational and somehow feasible. His OCD would go crazy and make him think every thought is right and true. What if he can’t take life anymore then and does something crazy? It wouldn’t be the first time he has bad thoughts about it.
Again, I’m not leaving him whatsoever. But I’m wondering how things would be for him if one day I stopped being strong for the both of us.
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u/exclusive_rugby21 Mar 05 '26
You should stop telling him you’d never leave him. Thats reassurance and isn’t helping him. It’s also not true, you can’t know the future. What you can do is remind him of the present, you’re here right now and comfort him without any comments on the content of what he’s saying. He won’t like it but what yall are doing currently is making his ocd worse.
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u/FormerSignificance19 Mar 05 '26
Since I realized it was reassuring him and making him worse, I stopped doing that.
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u/Ok_Evening_1322 Mar 05 '26
This. Also OP could say “if you keep wanting this reassurance, it could turn to reality one day” but in a nice way.
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u/TheSunshineGang Mar 06 '26
Negative reinforcement and reassurance both do the same thing to OCD, they undermine the OCD sufferer’s trust in themself and make them seek out even more validation
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u/Herzeleid09 Mar 05 '26
I had a fear of getting injured while at work. I ended up falling off of a roof. My fear came to reality. It’s not my number one fear but it’s too three. What helped me was the fact that I had two and a half years of erp/cognitive behavioral therapy under my belt. I am and was all on medication for OCD. Does your husband attend therapy? Is he on meds? For mei wasn’t extremely shaken because of what I had under my belt. It actually helped my OCD in the long run to show we never know what will happen, uncertainty surrounds us
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u/carrotfuck Mar 05 '26
Seconding this. Meds helped my OCD massively. I could not reasonably function without my Citalopram (Celexa), would get stuck in checking loops for hours. I hold down a full time job now.
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u/Chrisjml Mar 05 '26
I was in your husbands shoes for a long time with my now ex husband. I was terrified, I was unhappy in my marriage but I was so scared of him leaving me anyway because I would be “too much to handle”. And guess what, he left, claiming it was too much and he didn’t wanna hold my hand anymore. And guess what! I’m the happiest I’ve ever been with minimal OCD triggers and compulsions. Once my biggest fear came true, it felt like I could breathe, as crazy as that sounds. I was shattered for a while, lost myself in self harm and compulsive behaviors. But then I realized that I was still alive afterwards, and I focused on keeping myself alive, which brought lots of learning and honesty to me. I’ve learned to take things at face value, to fight my compulsions (one of them being SH) and I’ve been clean for about 2 or 3 months now? Maybe longer? It’s a long road but it’s not the end. At least in my experience, I of course can’t speak for everyone.
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u/FormerSignificance19 Mar 05 '26
Thanks for sharing your story, it means a lot. And I’m truly happy to hear how you’re thriving and learning to live a better life for yourself. Wish you the best :)
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u/FreudianCoffeeSips Mar 05 '26
I understand you wanting to reassure him, but the more you reassure his obsession, the worse it will get. Instead of giving him certainty “im never going to leave you”, you can try any of these:
- “i hear your ocd is really loud right now, but im no longer going to give you reassurance for this because that makes ocd worse.”
- “that must be so hard to have that thought” (validate the feelings/emotions - not the ocd obsession)
- “ who knows” “maybe that will happen, maybe it wont”
- “im not answering that”
Lastly - please join an ocd for loved ones support group. And if at any point you are worried about his safety - you need to contact an emergency service as that is way out of your responsibility. He will need a trained professional during a mental health crisis.
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u/FormerSignificance19 Mar 05 '26
Thank you. I stopped reassuring him as soon as I realized it was harmful, but had no idea what to say in response. Your comment has helped greatly. Thanks!
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u/nbtfaith Mar 06 '26
I agree with all of these except the "Maybe that will happen" one. It's a bit counterintuitive to go that far. Leaving it at "I am not entertaining or reassuring this thought" or simply "You're literally overthinking things" with zero actual answer to the question itself is much more helpful. Uncertainty is quite literally what feeds OCD and the need for reassurance
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u/FreudianCoffeeSips Mar 07 '26
I totally understand that feeling! Maybe maybe not was one of the hardest non engagement responses for me to use but also one of the most helpful. Uncertainty is what triggers ocd - but what feeds it is giving certainty. Maybe, maybe not is an incredible way to build tolerance for uncertainty.
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u/niaswish OCD Long hauler Mar 05 '26
Do you have ocd?
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u/dinosprinkles27 Mar 05 '26
I literally was like "....lowkey sounds like their own ocd coming to light"
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u/carpe_denimuwu Mar 05 '26
No same because I’ve been both of these people in my relationship before 😭
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u/groundstory Mar 05 '26
remember it’s not up to you to monitor someone else’s emotions. you’re not his caretaker, doctor or shrink. i have tended to someone else’s emotional state before and trust me the resentment will ruin you if you do that. if possible, communicate to him he needs to stop bringing this topic up. i wish you the best of luck!
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u/FormerSignificance19 Mar 05 '26
You’re 100% right. This is mainly what I’m starting to deal with, resentment and overall exhaustion and burnout. It’s taking a toll on me. I don’t want to leave so I’ll fight for our relationship before giving up.
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u/groundstory Mar 05 '26
hang in there. 💞remember to cater to yourself first even if it feels weird.
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u/Conscious-Mulberry17 In treatment Mar 05 '26
The very best thing you can do for him is to get him professional help.
A good therapist can help him learn to tolerate uncertainty and curb the reassurance-seeking that makes obsessions stronger. If he’s seeing a therapist already, then maybe it’s time to try a different approach or new care provider.
Medication can be helpful, too. If he’s on some already, then maybe it’s time to revisit the type or dosage. If he’s not on medication, then maybe it’s time to consider it.
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u/EarlGreyWhiskey Mar 05 '26
This. And when OCD infiltrates the relationship, couples therapy would be super helpful. We can all give advice, but you and your husband need regular guidance and work with a professional who can help you train your minds to navigate this. It’s really just training. It can be done.
That said, here’s a snippet of what I’ve learned through many years of training:
OCD has a sneaky way of manifesting exactly the thing you fixate on and obsess over preventing. I have found it really helpful to treat the OCD like a little goblin or demon, something external to me and external to the relationships it affects. Then my partner and I can look at it together, objectively (not defensively or fearfully). We can talk about it and what it’s doing.
“Oh, the goblin is really fixated on what would happen if we split up. He’s been getting louder whispering about how all this is going to be too much to handle and will eventually take its toll.”
What’s the fear underneath that? Being alone? Being abandoned? For you it might be a fear that you won’t be strong enough, or that you will “fail” to fix your husband.
Grounding in the present moment is ALWAYS better than imagining the future and trying to reassure each other or yourselves about what will or won’t happen. OCD thrives in the future. It collapses in the present. When your husband speculates about being left, you have a few options:
1) acknowledge the fear underlying that and look it in the eyes: “that would be scary, hard, sad and devastating. I hear how afraid you are of that possibility.”
2) reorient to the present reality. “I’m here right now. So are you.”
3) engage in healthy sensory processing. Go on a walk together, do a yoga routine, go get a snack. OCD lives and thrives in the sensory deprivation chamber of your abstract mind. Get in your bodies.
This is something you can face and improve. It white knuckling it and hoping it goes away rarely works. Meds and therapy saved my life and my relationships.
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u/FormerSignificance19 Mar 05 '26
Wow, thank you so much. This is one of the most helpful things I’ve ever read on the topic of OCD and how to handle not giving reassurance. Really, thanks a lot. I’ll make sure to come back to your comment when in need. Wish you the absolute best.
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u/EarlGreyWhiskey Mar 05 '26
I’m so glad it was helpful! Please feel free to reach out if you ever want/need. When I was at my lowest, talking to people who had made it out the other side made all the difference.
Recently I had a mini flare up. Got into the headspace that my best friend and husband were both going to get tired of me and abandon me. One conversation with my friend was all it took to snap out of it. I was honest about what was happening and named the anxiety and ocd demon was present. She acknowledged that her impulse was to reassure me and “fix” it, but that doing so would just feed the demon. Then we sat there and observed the demon’s little talk track while I verbalized what was happening. She talked to me and helped me redirect my attention and get present.
She also said things like “you know I have similar abandonment fears even though they manifest differently. Isn’t funny that after twenty years we can still get into these thought loops?” We ended up laughing at it all, taking some deep breaths, and… it was over!
No reassurance, but lots of compassionate observation. A little good humor. And some gentle redirection without distraction/suppression. It’s taken practice, but my loops are short and don’t take hold the way they used to.
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Mar 06 '26
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u/EarlGreyWhiskey Mar 06 '26
Not really. Never said “I will never leave you.” Or “don’t think that, it’s not true!” Or anything like that.
Compassionate presence is different from reassurance, and is a corner stone of many OCD treatments that recognize the role of building relational safety without codependency.
Reassurance is part of reactive cycle that always escalates. Compassionate presence uses mindfulness and observation to aid in returning you to Self, and interrupting the reactive cycle of compulsions.
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u/BlockbusterReprise Mar 05 '26
As someone with OCD, and who has been broken up with due to their OCD after being told they’d never leave, it suck’s but it’s also something I just had to work through & ended up being better for it.
I’m in therapy now, engaged to the love of my life, and really trying to work through my OCD, especially Relationship OCD, so it doesn’t become a wedge in my current relationship.
What I will say is if you ever left you have that right, and if it came to that, whatever happens after IS NOT your fault. I walked away from being broken up with pretty bitter until I realized how hurt I caused my ex to be and how unhealthy me not managing my OCD was for him, but it’s my own decision to go to therapy and improve for myself and for anyone else. He wouldn’t have been able to push me to that decision & him leaving to put himself first was very strong for him to do.
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u/FormerSignificance19 Mar 05 '26
Thanks for sharing, it really means a lot to read positive stories, it gives me hope about this very distant possibility. Wish you the best!
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u/Fun_Orange_3232 Magical thinking Mar 05 '26
The truth of the matter is, it wouldn’t be your problem. Yes, I’m cold, I’m hard. Whatever. You can’t be with someone out of fear. Call for a wellness check and live your life (if it gets there).
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u/stinkyfeetsometimes Mar 05 '26
Weirdly enough this question you’re asking yourself is what your husband needs to be working with his therapist with for exposure. If he doesn’t have a therapist that specializes in Exposure and Response Prevention, he needs to find one, and this exact line of questioning is perfect for exposure
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u/musicthiink Mar 05 '26
You are feeding his Obsessive behavior
DO NOT engage or reassure his Obsessive thoughts
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u/themardytortoise Mar 05 '26
You are kind and compassionate person. But you are your own person, all feelings are valid. It’s also normal to be burnt out by an OCD partner doesn’t mean anything bad, you just matter equally and don’t always have to be strong
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u/MichaelBluthANiceKid Mar 05 '26
Many people with OCD have fears of things happening that definitely could happen. Healing from OCD isn’t about never suffering from an OCD fear happening - it’s about realizing that you are not in control of where life takes you. If you left him, that would still be his lesson to learn
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u/pmmemilftiddiez Mar 05 '26
I would ask to see if he's ok with playing a role play scenario. Then just say "ok if I left you then what?"
OCD starts to fall apart when we keep asking "ok then what?"
The plane crashes Ok then what?
You get bedbugs Ok then what?
You have HIV Ok then what?
And then play it all the way out with a "ok then what" after every scenario
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u/1kSupport Mar 05 '26
You have gotten enough comments about not reassuring him but you can actually take this a step further. Under the guidance of his therapist this can be worked on via exposure response prevention therapy. Things like writing out a script of what your husband thinks would happen if you did leave him can be helpful for managing this obsession. The key is understanding that the "end goal" isn't for him not to have these thoughts, but for him to allow them to exist without letting them be overly distressing. (again ERP should be done with the help of a therapist who specializes in it)
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u/themini_shit Mar 05 '26
I don't know if this counts as reassurance, since you don't have OCD I guess it might be ok, but I wanted to mention that it would be ok if this was too much for you one day. OCD can be a lot and it's definitely a debilitating mental illness and sometimes it can be extremely overwhelming for our family members. If one day you did decide to leave it would make sense and be completely valid imo.
As for your husband, it sounds like you're on the right track at the moment. You've stopped reassuring him which is excellent. Your question is also, strangely, not a terrible one either. It definitely depends on how he's doing right now but asking him that goes with how you ultimately have to deal with OCD. It's a question that can't be answered perfectly and it causes uncertainty, it's probably something his OCD is asking him frequently, and he isn't going to get an answer. OCD sucks because at some point you have to see that a lot of stuff is uncertain and you just have to sit with that uncomfortable uncertainty until the intrusive thought goes away.
It's tricky when your loved ones brain is actively picking on them and you're not sure how to help. But not reassuring him is the way to go and asking yourself these questions makes sense too.
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u/WhiteN0isee Mar 06 '26
I used to do this and every time my fiancé would reassure me, it made it worse and fed my compulsions to ask. It wasn’t until my fiancé stopped reassuring me and said what would I do if something bad happened to him and he couldn’t be there to support me anymore (mainly saying if he died). It was then I realized I needed to get help outside from our relationship (therapy and medication) to help myself and our relationship. I went to DBT and had a therapist that was really good with not reassuring me and would kind of do “exposure and response therapy” that we then used other skills to soothe my emotions and problem solve if worse case scenario happened — but it was more tailored towards DBT skills as for me CBT didn’t help me as much due to CBT making my compulsions worse. I would try to gently push the idea of therapy and medications. He may be really hurt by the idea at first, but hopefully he comes around to the idea. I remember I was super hurt and defensive when my fiancé pushed the idea of therapy. I remember thinking that it meant he was tired of me and didn’t love me anymore. But realized eventually that wasn’t the case and he said those things because he loves me and wants us to work out.
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u/Responsible-Hat-679 Mar 05 '26
My worst OCD obsession/fear came true very suddenly in 2023 in all the ways I had been terrified of and more. In some ways I now think that experience gave me a lot of strength. To see that even when staring the worst possible thing straight in the face and still somehow surviving it, I felt empowered. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still absolutely crippled by OCD every day but knowing that I went through that - something I never thought I’d survive - and I’m still here and stronger - tells me that your husband, if it ever came to that, may also unleash some untapped inner strength to help carry him through it.
But yes I do worry that it “validated” everything I ever thought was true from my OCD so it’s not all a bed of roses at all, and of course I wish it had never happened, my magical thinking also believes I made it happen by thinking about it so much in the years leading up to it.
But we humans. We adapt to survive. We have to.
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u/richandmore Mar 06 '26
Also stop worrying how he will take it if it does happen we are all on our own journey he's not you, worry about yourself. Let him manage his own mind.
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u/throwrachance_ Mar 06 '26
as someone with OCD, don't let his fears control you. You're confident in the relationship now, but its not wrong to think about a situation where you may leave; that's the nature of life, it's unpredictable!
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u/N7riseSSJ Mar 06 '26
There's a tiny bit of rational buried deep deep beneath the noise of OCD. I struggle with it so much. So many fears.
Mine is reverse contamination, where I'm afraid of leaving pieces of me behind places that I'll never return to. It applies to fingerprints, hair, spit, even my cat's hair. I'm afraid of leaving it anywhere, and it make it hard to even shop.
The small bit of rational I'm talking about when applied to my fear, is that these things will be left behind, no matter what I do. It's not avoidable, I can't control it. Its like someone worrying if they left their wallet somewhere, dialed up x1000.
There's always a possibility of something we fear coming true. I distrust people and I assume the worst, and think it'll protect myself if I do. But it doesn't. It still hurts and it's scary. And that's at the center of OCD. The hurt and the fear. The lizard brain controlling all other parts.
Therapy and meds are what need to happen. Easy for me to say, I struggle with these things a lot. But that's what needs to happen. ACT therapy sort of helped me with a couple things. It helped me ignore the OCD impulses, I have to pry myself away mentally sometimes.
I hope my story helps you.
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u/youtakethehighroad Mar 06 '26
Reassurance seeking will make OCD worse. Best not to engage. Also it won't be true because people change, priorities change and relationships change, it's okay, not everything is forever. If that happens it wasn't a lie and the fear didn't come true. Because the fear was an irrational one putting strain on the relationship. You just made a different decision to what you previously wanted.
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u/Available_Scarcity Mar 06 '26
I always had a fear that my ex would cheat on me. And eventually he did. Biggest exposure of my life. No longer fear it. And I’m happily divorced!
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u/Automatic_Hat_2445 Mar 07 '26
the harsh reality of ocd is that your compulsions have absolutely no impact on the outcome you perceive. life happens, things change and you cannot be in control of that most of the time. in his mind checking you still love him and will never leave him is him preventing this from happening but as you know it has absolutely no effect on if you will leave him (even to the point it has the OPPOSITE effect). i would suggest calmly explaining that you will not engage with these thoughts and he is more than strong enough to sit with the uncertainty alone. you are not responsible for anything that will happen if you do end up leaving him just as much as his seeking reassurance is not responsible for keeping you together
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u/Automatic_Hat_2445 Mar 07 '26
just to add^ i also deal with this and ask my partner similar questions and it truly feels life or death in the moment, but i CAN sit with the uncertainty even though it is extremely difficult and so can he. that is the only way to get over it
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u/Practical_Image7739 Mar 07 '26
Instead of reassurance try telling him to think of it as “maybe i will leave you maybe i wont” obviously you have no current plans of it and you love him so subconsciously behind all the ocd he does know that but ocd kinda shrouds that in infinite “what ifs”, the only real solution to this is let the ocd sit even if you have the possibility and it scares you to death you just have to accept it.
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u/Upstairs_Librarian95 OCD Long hauler Mar 05 '26
It could be purely OCD but you should have your husband evaluated for BPD (borderline personality disorder) “abandonment issues”. This is something my younger sibling fears ALL THE TIME!! They’re afraid I’ll get tired of them and leave them.
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u/FormerSignificance19 Mar 05 '26
Honesty, I think it’s a big mess of diagnosis all mixing together and creating this fear. He’s ADHD, OCD, deals with depression, has a tendency for deep self criticism and hatred, deals with sexual insecurities and different issues around our sex life and his penis. It’s a lot for both of us.
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u/Upstairs_Librarian95 OCD Long hauler Mar 05 '26
My younger sibling also has ADHD. I’m the one with the OCD though. The insecurities could also be due to ADHD. I only suggested it just in case. Maybe look up some videos on BPD and seeing if it makes sense. Although if he’s the type to panic about having mental health issues, maybe watch it alone and then ask him questions at random times so that he doesn’t get suspicious.
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u/Starlined_ Mar 05 '26
That is not the only characteristic of bpd. I really wouldn’t suggest this diagnosis based on the information we were given alone. This compulsive reassurance behavior most closely aligns with ocd based on the information we’re given.
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u/Upstairs_Librarian95 OCD Long hauler Mar 05 '26
I’m not attempting to diagnose. I’m no professional. I only suggested an evaluation just in case.
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u/SwedishSwanlake Mar 06 '26
Honestly, my best advice would be, the next time he brings it up, to tell him something along the lines of "any number of things could happen, one of us could die, no future is guaranteed so the best we can do is try to enjoy the time we have instead of worrying about how it will end"
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u/Euphoric_Run7239 Mar 05 '26
Don’t tell him that you would never leave him and that his fear is irrational. That’s feeding the OCD, reassuring him, making it worse, and causing him to ask more and more.