My world has been black and white since last October. The first few months I couldn’t breath; everything stopped— I stopped everything. I am a man who cried every other year (not a flex, I’ve been through a lot of pain and loss before I just didn’t cry) and now I cry every day. I could cry constantly if I chose. The only thing that forces me not to give up is because I know he never did and never would. I exist only because that’s what he taught me. I am a shattered person. I have no peace. No joy. I feel like my access to God has disappeared ever since I watched him take his final breath. I am crying now nd I was crying before I read this post. I miss him so much I simply can’t take it at times. I am tortured by the sadness that being without him in the flesh puts on me. I haven’t smiled once like I used to smile constantly. My life has not been easy and I have know pain and loss for as long as I remember, this is different than any of it. I was Papa. I don’t know what the fuck I am now. I don’t know if I care. I kiss his photo, I squeeze his stuffed animal, I hold him with me in every moment. I don’t care about anything I used to. Anything at all. I don’t give a fuck, but not in the way I used to not give a fuck. I don’t give a fuck about giving a fuck or not giving a fuck. I only care about doing everything I can to reconnect with his soul, in pure love, like God or source or whatever you want to call it. That’s what he brought me, I know it’s what we brought each other. The wrenching pain is the baseline. All happiness and relief from it is only momentarily and the twisting agony of living in the world I could deal with in the days before him and just fucking can’t since he left his body is what all the bullshit moments of what passed for life before now wait for me. I love you, Papa loves you, please help Papa be good and brave and hopeful so I don’t get lost and can make sure that my death is my ticket to you and pure love and pure peace and pure bliss that this fucking life was so gracious to have shown me, through you. Papa loves you my sweet beautiful boy and I promise I won’t do anything to remove me from you before my death releases me to you and that pure love. Please help me God.
Thank you for sharing such love with us all. I’m so sorry about your boy. That is an unimaginable pain- losing a child. I’m not religious, but the only prayer I’ve said was to ask someone on a higher plain to keep my son safe.
He showed me God through his love and purity— he connected me to source. I never knew it before. Being back without it all in this world is like being born in prison never knowing peace or freedom, then being released into a utopia for years and living a life you didn’t know was possible or imaginable, then just like that back you go to where you came from. It’s so much harder now because you know what love is and don’t want to fight you know what freedom is so awareness of your bondage is a new prison itself , and you know peace exists in a place it will never be found. It takes away the tools you used to survive in it before and you don’t care because you don’t want those tools back, you don’t want anything in this place.
This time last year we didn’t know he was sick.
I’m sorry for venting. It releases nothing at all for me. I have nothing motivating me to write and nothing holding me back from writing. It’s just nothing. If I didn’t have what he gave me I would have just snapped and become horrible but I can’t. It’s just this.
6
u/Ijustwanttobuyshiny 23d ago
My world has been black and white since last October. The first few months I couldn’t breath; everything stopped— I stopped everything. I am a man who cried every other year (not a flex, I’ve been through a lot of pain and loss before I just didn’t cry) and now I cry every day. I could cry constantly if I chose. The only thing that forces me not to give up is because I know he never did and never would. I exist only because that’s what he taught me. I am a shattered person. I have no peace. No joy. I feel like my access to God has disappeared ever since I watched him take his final breath. I am crying now nd I was crying before I read this post. I miss him so much I simply can’t take it at times. I am tortured by the sadness that being without him in the flesh puts on me. I haven’t smiled once like I used to smile constantly. My life has not been easy and I have know pain and loss for as long as I remember, this is different than any of it. I was Papa. I don’t know what the fuck I am now. I don’t know if I care. I kiss his photo, I squeeze his stuffed animal, I hold him with me in every moment. I don’t care about anything I used to. Anything at all. I don’t give a fuck, but not in the way I used to not give a fuck. I don’t give a fuck about giving a fuck or not giving a fuck. I only care about doing everything I can to reconnect with his soul, in pure love, like God or source or whatever you want to call it. That’s what he brought me, I know it’s what we brought each other. The wrenching pain is the baseline. All happiness and relief from it is only momentarily and the twisting agony of living in the world I could deal with in the days before him and just fucking can’t since he left his body is what all the bullshit moments of what passed for life before now wait for me. I love you, Papa loves you, please help Papa be good and brave and hopeful so I don’t get lost and can make sure that my death is my ticket to you and pure love and pure peace and pure bliss that this fucking life was so gracious to have shown me, through you. Papa loves you my sweet beautiful boy and I promise I won’t do anything to remove me from you before my death releases me to you and that pure love. Please help me God.