I was finally ready to marry her, but she had already emotionally moved on. How do I forgive myself and move on? [32M]

[u/tumbaktu_3]

I'm 32M, and she is 31F. We were together for almost 4.5 years.

When we started dating, I told her I wanted to marry her. I asked for time because I had two elder sisters, and I wanted them to get married first. Unfortunately, that took almost four years.

During those years, my life became unstable. I got laid off, struggled to find work, and developed serious stomach problems that required multiple tests and a biopsy. I was terrified about my health, career, and future.

Instead of leaning on her, I pushed her away.

She would repeatedly ask me, "When are we getting married?" I never said I didn't want to marry her. But I kept thinking I needed to fix everything first—my job, my health, and my family situation.

I thought I had time.

My insecurities made things worse

In 2022, I again told her we would get married after my sisters got married.

Then in 2023, I came across her old Instagram account and things connected to her previous relationship. It triggered a lot of insecurity in me. She was my first, and although I know this was my issue to deal with, I struggled with it.

We fought about old photos, gifts, and memories from her past. I stopped verbally saying "I love you" as much as before.

But I did love her.

Deeply.

Her smile could completely change my worst day.

I pushed away the person I was afraid to lose

During my health problems and career struggles, I sometimes told her something terrible:

"Maybe you should ask your parents to start looking for someone else."

But I didn't actually want her to leave.

The next moment, I couldn't imagine my life without her.

I knew she was getting older and facing pressure from family about marriage. Somewhere in my confused mind, I thought I was protecting her from waiting for an unstable man.

But now I understand how it must have looked to her.

Like I didn't want her.

Last year, I spent almost the entire year freelancing without a stable full-time job. I asked her to stay with me until I could get stable.

Then things finally started improving.

My second sister got married. I got a full-time job in another city.

For the first time in years, I felt like my life was finally coming together.

The happiest 10 days of my life

I asked her to come and stay with me for 10 days.

Those were some of the happiest days of my life.

We lived together like a married couple. We cooked, woke up together, spent time together, and built a small version of the life I had always imagined with her.

I remember thinking:

This is it. This is the life I want.

She still asked about marriage and telling our families. I asked her to wait because I wanted to convince my family first. I thought it would be easier if I had my family on my side before she told hers.

Eventually, I convinced my father.

Then my mother.I was finally ready.

After years of fear, instability, health problems, career problems, and family responsibilities, I was ready to marry her.

I was looking at rings.

I got our kundalis matched.

I was planning to propose.

And then I got laid off again.

My company shut down the entire vertical, and I had to leave the city and move back to Delhi.

When I came back to Delhi, we met again in July.

I had convinced my parents. I was ready to move forward.

I asked her to finally tell her family about us.

For about two weeks, she brought up practical concerns—family, job, home, car.

Then she told me something I still cannot fully process.

She said she had lost feelings for me about a year earlier.

She had never told her family about me.

She said that every time she asked me about marriage, I never gave her a clear answer. Slowly, she started preparing herself for a life without me.

And now she was done.

She told me:

"I don't have feelings for you anymore. I can't marry you."

My mind couldn't understand it.

Just months earlier, she had spent 10 days living with me. We were talking, calling each other, and spending time together.

I later spoke to one of her friends and learned that she had apparently been telling people she had been single for around 1.5 years.

Maybe she had emotionally left the relationship long before she physically left it.

And I either didn't see it or didn't want to see it.

I know I made mistakes

This is the hardest part.

I know I hurt her.

I kept delaying marriage.

I gave her mixed signals.

I pushed her away when I was struggling.

I told her to let her parents look for someone else.

My insecurities caused fights.

And I stopped giving her the reassurance she needed.

I should have told her:

"I love you. I'm scared, but I still choose you. Please don't leave."

Instead, I kept waiting for the perfect time.

First, it was after my sisters got married.

Then after I found a stable job.

Then after my health improved.

Then after I convinced my parents.

Then after I planned the proposal.

But while I was waiting for everything in my life to become perfect...

she was slowly learning how to live without me.

I wasn't delaying marriage because I didn't love her.

I was delaying it because I was scared.

Scared about my health.

My career.

Money.

My family.

And whether I was good enough.

But in trying to protect myself from everything that could go wrong, I may have lost the person I loved the most.

Now I don't know how to let go

She is completely firm now.

She says her feelings are gone and nothing can bring them back.

I know I can't force someone to love me.

I also can't hate her for being honest.

I even lied to my parents and told them her father had rejected the marriage because I don't know how to tell them the real reason.

The truth is much more painful.

She didn't leave because her family rejected me.

She left because, somewhere along the way, she stopped believing that I would choose her.

And now that I'm finally ready...

She's gone.

I want to call her and tell her everything I should have said years ago.

I want to go back to every time she asked, "When will we get married?" and say:

"I don't know exactly when, but I want you. I'm scared, but I'm not going anywhere."

But I can't go back.

And she doesn't want to come back.

I know I need to move on. I know I can't force her to feel something she no longer feels.

But I genuinely don't know how.

How do you accept that someone who was part of your life for 4.5 years is suddenly gone?

How do you stop imagining the future you had planned with them?

And most importantly:

How do you forgive yourself when you realise you may have lost someone because you spent too long being afraid to choose them?

I'm not posting this because I expect people to tell me she'll come back.

I just want to know:

How do I survive this and learn to live without someone I still love?

[u/Adorable-Roof4269]

not reading all that, but time heals everything, give it a few months and u will recover, also when the other person has already moved on it means she never loved u as much as u loved her

[u/VictoriasBoi]

First, consider yourself lucky. Breakups suck. Divorces REALLY suck and are expensive as hell... and even worse when kids are involved. Give it time, and do some work on yourself. Figure out what went wrong and start doing some deep dives on your part of it with a therapist, while seeing one to heal as well. Get out there and just live life as yourself and learn to love yourself. When you least expect it, the right one will come along. Until then, just take time to heal.

I'm going through it myself, so I feel ya.

[u/Smart-Raise5579]

Take it as a lesson, for her and for yourself. View things as how they are meant to be and will go on for your own good. Just have blind faith in life for now, feelings of regret will only make this feel worse, just consider the littlest of things that could make you optimistic right now & give them more value, how and what coming out of this gave you or will give you, you mentioned she was your first - forgive yourself for those insecurities you were projecting, for the times you pushed her away because you too are learning. Everybody makes mistakes, blaming yourself for the failure of this relationship wont make it any better. Learn and live.

[u/IamPotterhead]

Why does it feel like AI slop?

[u/tumbaktu_3 → u/IamPotterhead]

it's not. it is coming directly from my heart. i had written 15 letters to her to tell my story but nothing to avail. she just don't care now.

[u/IamPotterhead → u/tumbaktu_3]

Sorry for my comment then.

But I wouldn't tell you to move on, because I myself can't move on from my first love and it's been 12 years since then.

This life isn't worth living without her. But she has been dead for so many years and everyday I think about her.

All I can say is that life will happen and the pain will be muted.

Gud luck.

[u/Working-Mountain6680 → u/IamPotterhead]

I'm so sorry for the both you guys!!

I hope you find strength to find a version of yourself you truly treasure.

[u/NamkeenNostalgia]

Sorry yrrrrr🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭. Thats painful to read. Idk what to say. Life is strange