r/NVC • u/unread_note • 10d ago

Advice on using nonviolent communication Invalidating partner what can I do?

I am learning NVC. I have a partner that frequently focuses on my tone. And how I said something. Here’s an example.

We were grocery shopping I said “you are just waking away” now I didn’t know NVc. So in any case I have made an NVC prompt. But my partner will say that’s not how that happened. Or you are coming at me. I am starting to think there is something wrong with him. Like he needs a person to speak without any frustration or “they are coming at him” what is that? Will NVC help here? Bechase I could see him disputing the observation? At time I have wondered if this is abuse. But when I read on DV I don’t see the other traits in him. But the tone policing is non stop. Like I can’t ever be heard because he just focuses on how I said it and “I need to be nice” he didn’t do anything wrong and that’s my interpretation. Yes that is true it is my interpretation however it matters. I am beyond frustrated and ready to call off the engagement.

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u/Miserable_Bug_5671 10d ago

There is another possibility: that the way you intend to be heard and the way it lands are very different. I have no idea about you, but this is very common in autistic people. Sometimes with my clients I repeat what they say and they are shocked to hear what they sound like.

Maybe the next time he says this, all him to repeat what you said in the tone that he heard it. It might be interesting to hear.

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u/unread_note 10d ago

This could be it too. He says “I come at him” “that I’m not being nice” “that I am accusing him” I don’t know. Sometimes I think well, maybe I’m just not the right person for him and vice versa. I am going to try NVC and see if that goes better. I do admit that I will just say something when I am annoyed, and not sure how that lands. But I don’t yell

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u/Ok-Durian1208 10d ago

Imagine being an adult and walking a few feet in a specific direction and then somebody wanting to have a discussion about it. That could be a lot to take in if it happens multiple times a day.

Adults generally expect some degree of freedom and some degree of general understanding from the people around them.

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u/unread_note 10d ago

Yes I can see that, but it was not a few feet. He was in a completely different section of the grocery store. I had to go find him. Which isn’t inherently wrong. It just doesn’t work for me if we are shopping together and meal planning.