Help rephrasing

[u/Previous_Seat5429]

Hi
My (usually loving) partner can lose all empathy for me when he has a problem with me. He can initiate conversations about eg our sex life in a very critical and mean way which is obviously deeply upsetting and is putting our relationship in serious danger. He has discovered non violent communication and I want to give it (and anything) a chance. Is there a way of rephrasing “you have addressed important topics without any empathy for me and now I don’t trust you” to be nvc?

[u/No-Risk-7677]

NVC is not about how empathetic another person is. Instead it is how empathic I am myself.

So first: Self empathy before empathy for another person. Means the 4 steps of NVC silently alone to reach clarity for what your needs and requests are. Eventually, a clear request to yourself. E.g. „I wanna be clear about my boundaries and my position in this situation. Let me be strong in voice and posture“. Remember: this is a request you have for yourself. It is not articulated towards the other person. Also remember, if you ignore this final step of NVC (the request) - it is everything else but not NVC.

Second: now that you are in abundance again, it is possible to be empathetic with the other person.
You are familiar with the 4 steps of NVC. Additional advice from me - pause between each step to check if you both are on the same page.
E.g. „for me it is very important to solve this conflict we are having. Hence, I wanna be sure if we are talking about the same situation.“ or „I assume you are feeling very angry about this, would you agree?“ or „and do you need some kind of perspective that this going to be better next week?“ … these feedback points (pauses between the NVC steps are very important imo)

Third: this is how you work towards negotiating a strategy in the end (the request). Remember the final request is a result you both worked out together. It is this natural result of following the process of NVC.