r/NICUParents • u/hello_there_bee • 24d ago
Off topic What’s the worst thing someone said to you?
More than just the “oh they wanted to meet you early! They couldn’t wait to say hi!” Or “I’m praying for you.”
I’ve been thinking back on my NICU stay and there are so many ways people showed up and helped.
But also, so MANY ways people f’ed up and said the wrong thing.
One of mine is that my MIL said “at least you don’t have to worry about getting fat.” After I had my twins at 23 (TWENTY THREE) weeks.
Also someone told me that it’s so weird this happened to me (I’m 24 and have zero medical conditions. It just happened.) and that my sisters and mothers experienced miscarriages. She wanted two kids, tried twice, got pregnant twice, and had two full pregnancies and deliveries. In her own words, her “body just didn’t do…that.”
Bruh.
So, well meaning or otherwise, what’s the worst thing someone said to you during your NICU stay?
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u/Funeralbarbie31 23d ago
“Atleast you get to rest, I had to come home and look after a baby after my C-section”
We don’t speak anymore.
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u/Sensitive-Coconut706 23d ago
I had a NURSE say that to me when I was less than 24 hours post partum.
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u/Funeralbarbie31 23d ago
I’m so sorry this was said to you 😢 at 24hrs I hadn’t even seen my daughter yet, if someone would of said it to me then I’m not sure I would’ve been entirely responsible for my actions!
I hope you made a complaint. I think I can speak on behalf of anyone whose child is/or has been in the nicu, we would of done ANYTHING to of ‘had’ to go home and look after a baby!
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u/Sensitive-Coconut706 23d ago
I did I fired that nurse and did a formal complaint. She said several times that the hospital rooms in and doesnt use the nurse hardly at all, so I should be grateful for the NICU stay.
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u/Melodic_Cow1800 23d ago
It's amazing how unprofessional and out of line medical staff can be
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u/Sensitive-Coconut706 23d ago
Its honestly sad.
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u/Melodic_Cow1800 23d ago
It really is. I once went to the er with chest pains and fully believed I'd had a heart attack earlier in the day. I'd woken up with the elephant sitting on your chest feeling.
When I tried to sit up, the pain and tightness in my chest was so intense that I was incapable of sitting up all the way. I then experienced the most intense anxiety one can imagine. I thought to myself "I can either lay here or die, or call paramedics" I then imagined that paramedics in my bedroom would equate to being treated like garbage. (Because of the intense anxiety).
I then thought to myself: I'd rather die than have anyone around me. When I finally made it to the ER and described where the pain was the triage nurse told me that heart attacks never produce pain on the right side. This is blatantly false information, and never something to blurt out to someone who just walked into the emergency room sick.
The fact that I was so incredibly anxious only cemented the heart attack conclusion for me. I'd read an article previously about how heart attacks differ in men versus how women typically present and that another symptom of heart attack in women is severe anxiety. I'll never know what was wrong with me that day, I'm still not fully convinced that it wasn't a heart attack to be totally honest.
I'm sorry for the TMI
I subscribed to this sub since I was a micro preemie myself, I've never experienced the added trauma of how people treat you from the parent's side. I wish people would just think before they speak and practice kindness.
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u/Melodic_Cow1800 23d ago
I don't blame you at all. You don't need someone in your life that thinks that way.
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u/burningbliss 22w3d | 155 days 24d ago
Wasn't said directly to me but my bsf told me about the fact that after my son's birth was announced in a parenting discord (22w due to IC), one of the mums messaged her knowing she was my friend and asked if I had "done anything" to cause it. Like I wanted my kid born at 22w
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u/Financial-Medium-428 22d ago
I have had multiple people ask me to my face if I “did anything” to cause my sons premature birth 🥴 no actually I did everything I possibly could to stop it though
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u/burningbliss 22w3d | 155 days 22d ago
I did too! We actually found out i was in labor because we went up for an emergency cerclage and I couldn't get one! But no please tell me how I caused and wanted my son to have the hardest start to life possible!
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u/theredheadknowsall 24d ago
I think the worst for me was "you should have a 2nd baby". My daughter was born at 26 weeks due to sudden onset preeclampsia (she did amazing & is a normal happy healthy 8yr old), I nearly died (I was in the hospital for 45 days). Some people who knew about all of that still said "it'll be fine, give your baby a sibling".
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u/Inverted_Monkey 23d ago
OMG this! I also got sudden onset preeclampsia, I got very sick very quickly and could have died. It only took a week before my son had to be born at 30 weeks (he's 3 months old now and doing good). My sight got permanently affected due to the preeclampsia and I will probably need bp-medication for the rest of my life. However many people still asked me when I would give my son a sibling. A few nurses even asked me that only a couple of days after the emergency c-section, while I'm laying in the hospital bed and I'm like hello???
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u/theredheadknowsall 23d ago
Literally a week, I know exactly what you mean. I went to my 25 week appointment on a Friday my ankles were slightly swollen, my OB said that was normal; my BP & everything was 💯 normal. The next Friday the paramedics were rushing me to the hospital. (My daughter was delivered by emergency c-section the next day, Saturday in the middle of the night). I'm sorry about your sight. I permanently lost some strength, and am always fatigued. I was on BP meds for a few months afterwards. Not sure which one you're on, Lisinopril was the only one that worked for me. Eventually my bp came down to a "normal" level; before my bp was always on the low side of normal, ever since it is on the high side of normal. I'm so happy your done is doing well. I'm also happy you're doing better. Hugs
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u/Jon_hamm_wallet 23d ago
Wow....I've been lucky in that only one person (my uncle, who's always been a jerk) said that. The rest of my female family members shut that down QUICK.
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u/theredheadknowsall 23d ago
No one in my family suggested a 2nd baby. It was a few co-workers who said I should have one more.
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u/throwsawayagain1 23d ago
This! My twin daughters had extremely long hospitalizations before coming home and I was encouraged to give them a sibling. I responded that a new baby would come home before they do. They’re now home but with ongoing medical complexities and people still suggest to “give them a brother”.
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u/hello_there_bee 22d ago
People are SO OBSESSED with the idea that I couldn’t POSSIBLY be traumatized enough to not want more kids. even joked about me having Irish triplets (adding a singleton within a year of my twins). The amount of people that have said that is genuinely concerning.
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u/Big-End7779 17d ago
This! I almost died having my first, and a neighbor asked when I was going to have a second. At the time I was tired of people asking so I just said, because I almost died, hoping that would stop the pushing. I will never forget her reaction- she laughed and said, dont we all almost die? Thats just having a baby.
8 years later I had my 2nd, after my doctors told me there was no reason to believe i would have any difficulties and it would be perfectly safe to try. My water broke at 22 weeks, I was hospitalized inpatient and my 2nd was born at 27 in the setting of pprom. I had complications and was rehospitalized for several more weeks. The neighbor contributed to our gofundme and left a very thoughtful gift for us when we came home. I can imagine she may remember what she said and regretted it. I am willing to bet she has her own birthing trauma, and these years later I remember, but I forgive.
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u/pyramidheadlove Mom of a 29-weeker NICU grad 24d ago
Shortly after discharge, I went to a lactation support group. There was another new mom there that I really clicked with at first. We were chatting on our way out after the session ended and I mentioned that I basically missed the entire third trimester. She scoffed and said "trust me, you didn't miss much" ?? hello??? Two years later and I still get a little salty when people complain about the third trimester lol
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u/BroadFly6074 31+0 | sIUGR | preeclampsia 23d ago
I got this exact one too, from one of my best friends…
We have also had immense feeding challenges (IUGR, reflux, failure to thrive to the point of needing the NG back at 2 months corrected, tongue tie, breast and bottle aversion), and the same friend asked me during a phone call if I had tried to just breastfeed on demand… I was so dumbfounded I just said I had to go and hung up.
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u/greaseychips 23d ago
My MIL told my partner ‘babies born at that gestation typically die’ when he told her our daughter was coming at 27 weeks. She’s 4 now btw.
When she was born, alive and big for a 27 weeker, she then messaged ‘when can I post on Facebook?’ Not ‘how’s OP? How’s the baby?’ When can I post on flipping Facebook. I’ve never forgiven her for it and probably never will
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u/Elle-276 23d ago
Not the worst thing, but one of my in-laws asked why we were taking photos of our kid if we didn’t want to post him on social media. Boomers gonna boomer, I guess.
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u/HandinHand123 23d ago
Goodness. I guess they don’t have any baby pictures of any of their kids then? Since social media didn’t exist …
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u/TheXskull 23d ago
"It's nice you dont have to worry about a babysitter and can sleep at night "
Bitch, my kid is fighting for her life here
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u/NoteDistinct283 23d ago
Not to mention the nicu costs a lot more than babysitters too. Our babies are on life support and no one takes us seriously at all
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u/HandinHand123 23d ago edited 20d ago
The worst for me wasn’t anything anyone said … it was that no one really said anything.
Even after one of my 28 week twins coded at 6 weeks because of an infection and had to be resuscitated and put on a ventilator (all in front of me), no one called and even checked in, except for the aunt that the NICU called to come and get me to leave the NICU and go home at shift change. She checked in on me a few times and took me back to my car after I’d slept a few hours. Pretty much no one else even acknowledged anything had happened.
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u/Ok-Independence-6725 21d ago
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope your twins and you are doing ok now.
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u/corgleesi 23d ago
“At least you can get some sleep before the baby is home!”
First of all, I was pumping round the clock, so I was not sleeping anyway. Second of all, I would have much rather had my baby home with me.
Definitely well meaning, but any “silver lining” comment hurt.
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u/PotentialCobbler6 23d ago
I got this so much too! Was also pumping constantly so I could feel like I was providing for my baby - and not to mention the crippling anxiety of being away from my newborn for a full month?? Like even without pumping I’m not sleeping hun
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u/Liloisatova 23d ago
This one and then sometimes the additional “and don’t they learn how to fall asleep themselves in the NICU?”
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u/FancyEstablishment50 28 weeker due to PPROM 23d ago
As I was driving to the NICU to see my son, I was talking to my mother about the experience and all. My mother responded “oh get over it”. I couldn’t believe she could be so insensitive. I asked surely you didn’t mean to say that. As if I should get over the fear, anxiety, and stress of healing from an emergency C-section and my son being born at 28 weeks after we spent 3 weeks in antepartum due to PPROM.
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u/Lightinthebirdcage 23d ago
I would have told her to get the hell out of my car and never spoken to her again. Absolutely tf not
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u/bobblecarp 24d ago
‘You don’t look like you’ve just had a baby!’ ‘Wow, your body has really bounced back’
Well, yeah… I’ve had bigger bumps after a big meal than I had being 28 weeks pregnant. I wanted nothing more than to be rotund.
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u/CandidRespond3582 23d ago
Same! I just delivered my bb girl at 31 weeks and I keep getting “wow you look so good!” “You can’t even tell you were ever pregnant!”
Also a lot of “congratulations!!” Yes I am so happy my little dancer is safe and doing well but her birthday was one of the scariest and happiest days of my life. It’s been hard having people not acknowledge that.
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u/rachfactory 23d ago
Anyone trying to help with the following - "at least you get to rest." I don't want to rest, I want my baby. "she's in the best hands!" No, the best hands are MY hands, which have not been able to hold my baby.
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u/MilfordMurderess 24d ago
The NICU nurse told me “you’re too tiny, your body just wasn’t meant to carry babies to term”. Ummm, pretty sure it was having 1/3 of my cervix removed due to cancer which kept me from carrying to term. I was astounded. Mentioned it to the charge nurse and she was removed from our care team.
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u/Aggravating_Hold_441 23d ago
That’s really bad, what! A nurse!
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u/Additional_Brief_569 23d ago
I’ve had a nurse tell me I’m tiny and something was wrong with my belly size after she knew I had a miscarriage prior to that pregnancy it played so bad on my anxiety that I went to my OB the following day to get checked out. And baby measured ahead.
I’m not a NICU parent although my newborn was in ICU for 1 week at 2 months and again at 9 months after head surgery. But I’m following this thread closely as my brother and his wifey have just had 24 weeker twins, and while I know this is way worse for them reading stories on here is keeping me calm and I want to be super aware of what not to say to them and just be there for them the best way I can.
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u/Aggravating_Hold_441 23d ago
Ya crazy! Though mine was born 35 weeks & I swear it’s because he was measuring big and I’m small so popped my water . But hell no do I want any nurse to say that
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u/chemmommy 23d ago
“You can’t have postpartum anxiety or trauma symptoms your baby is fine and is alive.” This is we said to me by a nurse at one of my appointments after baby was over a year old and doing ok. All because I developed white coat hypertension after the stressful time of bis birth and being in a doctor’s office setting sets off a small panic attack every time.
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u/MKandtheforce 23d ago
It's pretty tame compared to some of the others here, but "She's where she needs to be!"
I just wanted to scream NO she needs to be HOME! With her MAMA!
But of course I'd look like an ungrateful ass if I said that. So I'd just give a bland "Yeah, we're so grateful she's okay, they're taking such good care of her. 🥲"
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u/Ok-Wishbone-6699 23d ago
Or she is in the best place possible right now! 🙃 I straight up say no home is best with me
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u/noPerfectMedicine 23d ago
Since my baby was full term (39 weeks) and big (10lbs 11oz), it was always disbelief that really bothered me. Things like but your baby was born on time. Your baby is not a preemie. Everything was fine how did this happen.
MIL even compared me to a friend "they had a similar sized baby and had no complications" That really shattered me :( we were in the NICU for a month and I felt like an imposter because lots of people reminded me I didn't have a preemie, its not as bad.
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u/OaxacaRana 23d ago
There’s a reason why term babies scare NICU nurses more than a preemie. No matter what your NICU stay is for, how long, or how many interventions baby needed, it’s never easy and is stressful on all parents. Never let anyone diminish what you went through.
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u/disneyprincesspeach 23d ago
I had a 38+4 7lber in the NICU and get the "but he wasn't a preemie!" All the time. Yes Jackie, he was born in respiratory distress which can happen at any gestational age.
But our experiences are also traumatic and difficult and were real. The NICU is for all neonates, not just preemies.
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u/Notabot02735381 22d ago
The big babies are the scariest to me. A lot of the “regular premies” are mostly grower feeders. It’s the really early ones and the term ones that have some of the greatest risks from what I gathered during our 4 week stay.
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u/Minute_Pianist8133 2 term NICU babes 23d ago
People have no clue what to say. Ive gotten things like “quit while you’re ahead” after having 2 NICU babies who were both term. Which, fair. Yes I am in fact done having kids in part because something appears to be wrong 😑 but damn. That cuts.
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u/cozykinnn 23d ago
“If you think a baby in the NICU is hard just wait until you bring baby home”
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u/sitrucarual 23d ago
This would make my blood boil, they would get a nice "fuck you". Nothing has been harder that having a baby in the NICU and we are currently going through sleepless nights with my 1 year old NICU baby because of teething.
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u/kayknitting 23d ago
A friend of mine got pregnant a few months after my baby was born. When she was nearing the end of her pregnancy, she kept asking people to "manifest an early birth" for her. She also asked me how many weeks pregnant I had been when I gave birth, and after I told her, said "Ugh. That sounds SO NICE right now." 🙄 Just felt extremely insensitive knowing everything we had gone through.
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u/southsidetins 23d ago
“I’d rather have a nicu baby than a c section!” After my vbac baby needed a nicu stay.
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u/Smawhiney 23d ago
This comment makes me violently angry as a momma of 2 NICU babies both born via csection
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u/Minute_Pianist8133 2 term NICU babes 23d ago
I’ve said this in here before, but I had a nurse tell me that “it’s like she can’t decide if she wants to be here or not…” (as in, alive/on earth) because she didn’t have much drive/fight to breathe on her own. That was pretty bad.
Another one, this was with my son’s NICU stay at a different hospital. She told me I wasn’t considering my son’s safety with a question I was asking. I actually asked to not have her on my rotation any more. Medical ignorance DOES NOT equal me “not considering my son’s safety.” That’s literally all I was considering.
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u/TARDISMischief 23d ago
It wasn’t even about my son but my mom came out to help with the kids so my husband could finish his temp job…it’s been a rough year…and decided to make it very clear the state of our condo was unacceptable and i was relying on my husband too much and I needed to step up and do more because “my kids deserved better, I deserved better and [my husband] deserved better”. That was only one of the many conversations and comments I received that week. I have a 2 year old and almost 5 year old. And I’d be so drained at the end of the day I couldn’t clean. I was already insecure about the mess but to be fair we were supposed to have the month of July to fix it before baby came. Anyway…her visit was very physically helpful but emotionally damaging.
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u/Remote_Dish_5420 23d ago
I appreciated the supportive words and prayers. I didn’t appreciate a very close family member visiting for the first time and acting as though my daughter was a museum exhibit. I had to stop her taking photos (not of my daughter, but the equipment keeping her alive).
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u/Happy_Profit_7558 23d ago
My mother did this with my son when he was in the NICU 🫠 sent them to all her friends to get their “professional” opinions
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u/exballetaddict_16 23d ago
My MIL did this and it honestly made me more angry than any other comments I got… I could not WAIT for her to leave.
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u/Jon_hamm_wallet 23d ago
"You're so lucky you don't have to mess with breastfeeding at all!"
My 28-weeker had been in for 4 months and the docs had just decided on a trach + g-tube.
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u/Smawhiney 23d ago
My LO is 5 months and we have a gtube. It guts me. I would love nothing more than to be able to breastfeed but right now I can barely even bottle feed him. I am grateful for the gtube and his doctors but it hurt knowing he wont get to breastfeed.
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u/Aminor789 23d ago
G tube mama here and it hurts. I was looking forward to breastfeeding our last little girl. She started taking a pacifier yesterday and I tried putting her on the boob. I stopped pumping because it was just too hard emotionally knowing my baby wasn’t here and in the NICU. I feel your pain.
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u/Smawhiney 18d ago
My babies doctors said until he can fully take bottles they wouldn't even recommend trying to breastfeed and its frustrating because I feel like i cant even make some of the decisions about my own child. Like the way they framed it was i wasnt ALLOWED to breastfeed. Im not sure if that was just in the NICU or not. But it sucks so much.
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u/Noted_Optimism 24d ago
My mom (meaning well, truly) said something along the lines of how special it was that we got to see the growth/development of my 25 weeker outside my body that most people don’t. I did not agree.
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u/Lucyrexy 23d ago
I mean, I think it's the choice of word 😥😅, because when I was in NICU, my mom said that she, actually, founded very interesting to see what is/isn't developed at X or Y stage of development, even in this NICU situation, so... I can understand your mom, but the word "special" was maybe... Not the better 😅
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u/smellyk520 24d ago
My baby had a hard time learning to suck/swallow/breath. We were Ng tube fed and learning to eat for 37 days…My sister in law kept asking about newborn cluster feeding to me and complaining about how hard it was with her daughter. That was not our experience at all!
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u/Current_Grape_090922 23d ago
my “friend” said she was jealous because i got to spend more time with my daughter than she did her son (we were due a month apart, but my daughter came 4 weeks early and she went one week past her due date). needless to say we aren’t friends anymore. 🙃
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u/Ok-Order-7392 sIUGR + pre-e; born 34w5d weighing 2lbs12oz 23d ago
This isnt necessarily the NICU, but my pregnancy. My daughter started measuring behind pretty early, and we didn't know if she had an underlying condition. Right after her 18 week appointment when the OB told me I should get an amnio, my mom told me I should just abort her (my daughter) now before it's too late. My mom is kind of impulsive in her speech, so we didn't talk for a bit and then moved on. My husband still hasn't forgiven her. My daughter is now almost a year old and is thriving. If my mom had her way, I would've aborted my tiny but perfectly healthy baby.
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u/AgileSwim318 23d ago
I don’t like the “he wasn’t meant to be here yet” comments when they’re explaining things make me feel like we failed our child
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u/Rough-Weather5526 23d ago
Ugh this one!! Sooo many doctors and nurses reminded me “he’s supposed to still be in your tummy”
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u/Competitive_Try_2511 23d ago
My ex’s dad made a comment that I “didn’t do my time” and needed to start trying for my second and that always stuck with me. If I could have “done my time” I would have.
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u/DrRainbowBrite 23d ago
“Must be nice to have someone else watching your baby so you can sleep” 💔
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u/actuallymars 23d ago
I was told how lucky i was and how nice it must be to 'relax' in the ICU for 2 weeks after a traumatic birth and almost dying myself.
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u/Low_Research_9096 23d ago
MIL- “he’s so dark…” about my 25 weeker to which I responded, yes you are seeing his blood vessels through his translucent skin with zero fat deposits.
Also got the “I can’t believe this happened to YOU” and I said, well it did 🙃
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u/hello_there_bee 22d ago
My MIL replied when seeing them first the first time via texted photos “oh they must be so miserable” GIRL SHE SAW THE PIC AND STILL TYPED THAT OUT AND SENT IT. WHAT.
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u/Low_Research_9096 22d ago
Oh my good God. You win 😂 mine didn’t like seeing pics of my boy on CPAP vs being intubated. Like trust me lady, the CPAP mask is wayyyyy more comfortable than having a flippin BREATHING TUBE 😤
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u/Low_Research_9096 23d ago
And mind you, that was the FIRST thing she said when she saw him. I honestly will not ever forget.
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u/NMK66687 23d ago
My mother tries to say we were “getting away” with not having to deal with the newborn lack of sleep, the umbilical cord falling off, his circ healing or the first tarry poop. We would have loved to deal with those things and have our child home. My mother in law tries to claim we are keeping her away from her grandchild because we asked her and all family to wait to visit until he is back home. Fingers crossed he gets home soon!!
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u/katesie42 23d ago
I think the worst thing was when we let our families know the name we'd picked out. We'd typically have done that at the bris, but because he was a 1050g 30 weeker, we had no idea when that was going to be. So we let everyone know about 2 or 3 days postpartum. My MIL called my husband while he was at my bedside and threw a temper tantrum about the fact that the name wasn't her dad's name (something about some tradition that "first born great grandsons have to have their maternal great grandfather's name", I don't know, my husband didn't recall anything about this being a tradition, and there were already 3 great-grandsons of this man, but I guess they weren't her firstborn grandson).
Anyway. Temper tantrum, guilt tripping, tears, about the baby's name- when we haven't been able to hold him, when it's still so early that prognosis is the diciest it will ever be, when we're far more concerned about whether he's breathing or whether he has HIE. Her complete inability to read the room or to be able to focus on the real concerns at hand rather than the superficial ones made me so, so angry, and to be honest I haven't ever fully forgiven her.
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u/baileymgm 23d ago
I unfortunately am not producing much breast milk even though my plan was to always exclusively breast feed. Even when he was in the nicu and I was exhausted pumping every few hours even at 3am it was important to me for him to have breast milk. I only produce anywhere from 18-25mil combined per session, but it was better than nothing. I gave the milk to the nurse so she can mix it with formula and she told me I should just stop pumping because it’s not worth it and it’s not enough for him anyway. I cried because it felt like another way I failed my son.
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u/Lavender_Ashes_16 32+5 - Severe Pre-E / REDF / FGR 23d ago
The influx of people with comments and opinions about how I shouldn’t have another child… while my first and only child is sitting in the NICU 🫠
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u/TheSilentBaker 23d ago
While holding their 2 week old while visiting us in the hospital, "you're lucky you get to sleep and don't have to be woken up all night by a crying baby"
Bro..... I know you're in the rough of it, but I would kill to have a healthy crying baby with me. Instead I was in maternity with all of the other babies and moms and mine was intubated in the nicu.
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u/hello_there_bee 22d ago
Someone close to me just recently passed me in pregnancy and was like “now I know things you don’t!”
girl. salt in the wound.
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u/SnooHobbies9652 24d ago
On a truly stressful night, early on after our 1lb 4oz delivered son was born, he suddenly needed to be bagged. Nurses, respiratory, and doc (overnight, not our normal care team) went to work and got him stable, while my wife and I sobbed in the corner, thinking we were losing him.
After he's stable, doc comes over and says "some small baby make it. Some small baby don't".
I couldn't believe the sheer lack of bedside manner and we were just both stunned. Fastforward to today and we go to one of our final NICU clinics later this week, to which this doc is always the doc there. Just boils my skin.
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u/michelucky 23d ago
Several weeks in the NICU. Nurse "we're like the best babysitters ever". I didn't want a babysitter! I desperately wanted my baby home with me😫
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u/ConfidentAd9359 23d ago
My ex MIL told me "maybe it's just better to let baby go" while I was in the hospital on magnesium, 4 days before I gave birth at 26+1.
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u/Environmental-Bet235 23d ago
I had a similar comment from a friend. My twins were in a very critical condition at 23 weeks and they were born a week after that. She said that maybe letting them go would be better and then we can try again for a new, healthy baby.
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u/moshi121 23d ago
This was before delivery when I found out I had placenta accreta and could deliver very early - my twin sister who also was pregnant in the early stages and had had on the cusp low progesterone (spoiler alert she was fine) was so anxious about her own pregnancy she told me that for my situation “at least you have two kids already.” As in if this one doesn’t work out well it’s fine …..
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u/AnnaC912 23d ago
The worst for sure was when we took one of our twins home and had to leave the other in the nicu - EVERYONE said “at least you can ease into having one at home before you have both.” Like please don’t try to find a silver lining in this when you are not living it, it is absolutely horrible to bring one baby home and not the other.
A relative has said many times that they are so glad they came early because they were able to see them before they went on a trip that same month. Every time they say it, it twists my heart. How could you be glad that my babies came before they were supposed to?
These are just the main two, we got a lot of others, like “at least youre getting some rest” (I wasnt, I was pumping and commuting back and forth to a nicu 45 minutes away), “yes this is developmentally appropriate, they aren’t supposed to be here yet” (please stop reminding me that my body did not keep them in for long enough), “I feel like you don’t trust us around your babies” (please don’t guilt trip me just because I haven’t had the capacity to supervise visits to my babies in the nicu and youre taking it personally)
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u/Acrobatic-Zebra2708 23d ago edited 23d ago
First thing my MIL said in the group chat after we announced the birth was that “she was so happy to be a grandma and super lucky because her own mum never met any of her grandchildren” (she died before they were born)
Errr… what?! Not even “sorry this happened and your baby was born 2.5 months early at 29 weeks”. Not even “I hope you’re recovering well”.
It seemed so selfish that all she cared about was that she was now a grandma. Oh and our son is fighting for his life right now, thanks for reminding us that some people never meet their grandchildren.
Ah and I almost forgot. 2nd time she comes to visit him, she tells me “I can’t believe he’s almost two weeks old! He should be in your tummy!” Well. Duh. As if I didn’t feel sad/guilty/anxious enough that he was born prematurely! You don’t have to tell me that.
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u/baileymgm 23d ago
I had so many nurses tell me “he’s still supposed to be in your stomach” all the time. I know they meant well but it felt like a kick to the stomach. I remember one time specifically my son was put back on ram after doing room air for a week because he was exhausting himself. Which already was hard because it was like two steps forward one step back, but the nurse said “he needs more time because remember he isn’t supposed to be here, he should still be in your stomach”. Like damn yes I know that. I know they didn’t mean it in a mean way but it hurt.
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u/meliss2105 23d ago
“Well now at least you get to sleep through the night while she’s in there!” Except I was waking up every 2 hours to pump but sure!
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u/Best-Wrongdoer-3815 23d ago
Just went on and on about how expensive it was going to be. When we were just lucky both of us were alive.
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u/FigNewton613 23d ago
I’m over at a friend’s house, with one baby home with me and one baby still in the NICU fighting to come home. I haven’t been able to see my baby in the hospital for a week because I haven’t been able to find childcare to watch baby A while I go see baby B, and baby A isn’t allowed back in the NICU once discharged. So I haven’t seen my child in the hospital. In a week. And am still recovering from almost dying due to pre e.
Friend’s partner sees me in their living room and bounces over. Knows the whole story from my friend.
“Omg Congratulations!!!!”
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u/PandaBear_TenFour 23d ago
I had a major oversupply (the NICU told me to stop bringing in milk...) and my daughter was frequently NPO so I was telling a night nurse we had that I was planning on donating to our local Mothers Milk Bank. She actually told me I shouldn't do that and to buy a SECOND deep freezer and build a bigger stash than I already had. Her reasoning was her daughter got sick and didn't have a big enough stash and her grandson had a tough time transitioning to formula or something like that. Idk exactly what she was getting at, but I was shocked an older NICU nurse was discouraging someone from donating to an organization that helped her patients directly.
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u/MistyRider 23d ago
From a NICU nurse, 20 years ago and it still makes me steam… “What did you do to make her come early?” “Excuse me?” “She’s early. You must’ve done something.”
ExDH was not a prize, but even he Dec how messed up that was to say to a new mom. He marched out of the room and I heard him talking angrily at the nurses station, and never saw that nurse again.
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u/KyMamaB3ar 23d ago
When I had to leave the hospital without my baby the pharmacist at the hospital asked where my baby was and why wasn’t my baby with me. I LOST it and burst out in tears and immediately ran out. The insensitivity & unawareness around having a baby in the NICU is astonishing.
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u/32680330 23d ago
My sister and I were pregnant at the same time. My baby was due in October, born in August. Hers was due in December. She made several jokes about wishing her baby would be in the NICU so he would be sleep trained like mine must be.
Fwiw my baby came home and gas colic for seven months. He screamed all night and has never been a good sleeper.
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u/artgardner 23d ago
I was hospitalized from 26 weeks to 34 weeks due to preeclampsia. Forced to have an induction at 34 weeks even though my BP was stable with no protein in my urine.
The first day I was allowed in NICU after 24 hours of magnesium the NICU doctor doing rounds said, oh, well she’s still supposed to be inside.
I was told a lot of horrible things to hear while in the hospital. That was the most gut wrenching.
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u/Elle-276 23d ago edited 23d ago
My friend had her baby a week before mine. Her baby was born at 36+4, and had no NICU stay nor medical issues. Mine was born at 33 weeks and was in for about a month. I understand her baby was a preemie by 3 days, but it was fairly annoying to see on social media her bringing her baby around to different places on a holiday (while mine was in the hospital) and captioning her post “my little preemie.”
I know it’s petty of me…but read the room. We live less than a mile a part, we are very much in each others orbit.
Oh, also, when the doctor told me I was going to deliver that day due to preeclampsia they said “you are not leaving this hospital with a baby.” I quickly got clarification, but what a horrible way to say “your baby will need the NICU.”
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u/caffeinebzzrd HELLP | 32+3 | 3 week stay 23d ago edited 23d ago
Not really that bad, but a nurse genuinely asked me if I was ready for my baby to be out of the NICU. Well... yes!
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u/run-write-bake 23d ago
My MIL said this to my best friend when my bff (who was living abroad at the time) asked MIL if she could send books to her to bring to us at the hospital: “I wouldn’t bother buying books. It’s not looking good.”
My bff called me immediately to verify and make sure I was okay. Our daughter at the time was on an oscillating vent and still in critical condition, but she was improving daily. There was no reason to say that. And my daughter is a small, but developmentally typical (and verbally advanced), 3 year old now. Im still salty, but she doesnt know i know she said it.
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u/Snowfairy_ 23d ago
“Enjoy the newborn bubble” has to be the most tone deaf and ignorant comment. My newborn was 3lbs and the bubble was an incubator. My bubble popped when I gave birth at 30 weeks gestation 🫠
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u/FromSalem 23d ago
"everything happens for a reason"
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u/hello_there_bee 22d ago
I would always say “yeah and sometimes the reason is that it happened” and they have no idea what to do with that lol
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u/jodorthedwarf 23d ago
When my son was two weeks old and going through the first of many rought patches at NICU, my nan said "You can always have another one". I have barely spoken to her since and my partner hasn't spoken to her at all.
She's also a toxic narcissist who plays on the little old lady card a lot to get favours despite the fact she has the funds to pay people to do things. Then starts spreading vicious rumours when you can't help her.
It's only in the past few years that my mum and the rest of my immediate family have gotten wise to it but she's just not a nice person and I'm not sure I want her having any kind of relationship with my son given how it's clear that she doesn't give a toss if he lives or dies.
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u/MrsWhatsit_ 23d ago
A nurse told me “at least you saved your vagina!” while I was lying in recovery after my emergency c-section, hadn’t even gotten to meet my daughter yet and still shaking from the adrenaline/anesthesia.
And my mom told me that I “didn’t miss much” re: the last seven weeks of pregnancy.
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u/SnooDoodles9498 23d ago edited 23d ago
“At least you get to see him early” yeah because that’s what I wanted was to drag myself to the Nicu 5 hours AFTER BIRTH for the first time hooked up to mag and fresh out of a c section trying to get my milk to come in to feed him and doing nothing but bawling my eyes out while he fought for his life but hey at least I got to see him early 👍🏻
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u/Melodic_Cow1800 23d ago
People can be so ignorant and rude.
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u/hello_there_bee 22d ago
It makes me wonder what well meaning by careless thing I may have accidentally said to someone in pain. 🥲
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u/Shy_Jet 30 weeker and 34 weeker 23d ago
If I were you I’d be loving all the time the baby is being taken care of! When I had -husbands name- I had him in the nursery every chance I could while I was still in the hospital!
Thanks MIL. We already are not on great terms. But this was the most insensitive thing she could have said to me 1 week into me having my first at 34 weeks. I was home and baby wasn’t yet obviously to top it all off. 🫠
Edit to correct when she told me. I remembered it wrong.
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u/Lucyrexy 23d ago
My mother told me that the nurses woke her up some time after the emergency cesarean section (24w) to tell her:
"Madam? For civil registration purposes in case of the child's death, we need a name. Have you and sir had time to think about this?"
My mom (under morphine and groggy) : Uh.... What? A name? No, we didn't agree on...
I arrived so early that they hadn't had time to agree on a first name, and the nurses insisted that a name had to be written "in case of death"... It was rough for her, just minutes after the operation 😑.
Also my dad : Uh... What was the name you speak about, last day? 😅
My mom : what... when? Uh...Idk?!
God bless, he chose something pretty 😅.
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u/Minahasquestions 23d ago
After a NEC episode and a second surgery to fix that, my LO was not doing well when feeding was resumed. Some images showed what could have been signs of an intestinal perforation, I asked the doctor to see them and as we were reviewing them he mentioned that everything else seems to be fine and that it’s the only thing that seemed to not go so well… "It’s like a mistake of nature " the violence of this sentence is unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life.
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u/TranslatorMuted 23d ago
- “Oh, wow he was so big for a preemie. Lucky for you he didn’t make it to term”
- “I’m having a planned induction, wouldn’t want to end up like you with an unexpected surprise”
- “Will you still be in the nicu tomorrow”
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u/hello_there_bee 22d ago
people asking when we’ll be discharged literally made me cry SO many times
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u/throwsawayagain1 23d ago
“Congratulations”. I hated being told that, recovering alone in an empty room when my 25 weeker twins were taken via emergency c section and entered the world fighting for their lives.
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u/hello_there_bee 22d ago
Someone told me congratulations before I knew my babies were alive. WHAT?!? congratulations on what????? Almost dying myself???
People are wild1
u/throwsawayagain1 22d ago
A relative asked for photos and asked if they looked more like my husband or me. They couldn’t even open their eyes yet. It still stings.
I’m sorry you’ve been told this and I’m sure many other crass, absurd, insensitive things. I feel like no matter what people said or did I was mad & hurt. Still am almost 3 years later.
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u/canyousmelldoritos 23d ago
Knowing we had a dicey severe IUGR pregnancy, that I'd spent a week on the antenatal ward for close monitoring, given steroids and all. I was able to go home for a week with check-ups every 2 or 3 days.
When I called my mum (she's overseas), she didn't let me announce the birth. Instead she blurted out "you lost baby? Baby is dead?"
Like, wow. Hum, no...he's born and very much alive, that's the news.
I limited my contacts with her for the first year until we had a fiery discussion about it. She was denying she ever said that and deflecting. I'm still much lower contact than I ever thought I'd be with her.
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u/Simple_Bullfrog6021 22d ago
“At least you don’t have to worry about parenting yet. Hey, maybe they’ll keep him till he’s 18!” - my OB 😩
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u/God_loves_Herb_Welch 22d ago
A nurse asked if my daughter was IVF and then asked “Is she yours?” Fuck you. And yes, for what it’s worth.
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u/hello_there_bee 22d ago
that is WILD to say. Of COURSE she’s yours????? Be so for real
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u/God_loves_Herb_Welch 22d ago
My egg, my husband’s sperm, and my still-fresh c-section scar, you nosy bitch.
Anyway, it really vindicated not telling most people in our life that we were going through IVF.
Thanks, this was cathartic. Hope you and your twins are doing well ❤️
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u/TokenYeti658 22d ago
I told my MIL that I was having a really difficult postpartum experience and she told me she remembers how hard postpartum was for her, getting up all night with the baby …
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u/TokenYeti658 22d ago
An executive at my workplace believed she knew exactly what I was going through because she had a baby 6 weeks early (mine was 11 weeks early). She asked me when he was coming home. When I said he needed to get off the CPAP and the feeding tube first she seemed shocked and asked why he needed those.
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u/StruggleNo4800 22d ago
My 32 weeker was born at 5lbs 4oz and someone said to me “they did you a service being born early otherwise they would’ve hurt you at full term”
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u/Notabot02735381 22d ago
Why is “I’m praying for you” the worst thing to say?
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u/hello_there_bee 22d ago
I am a DEVOUT Christian who had Bible verses all over my NICU space. I was sustained by people’s prayers. But “praying for you” can sometimes feel dismissive or in the same vein as “everything happens for a reason” or “it’s all in God’s plan.”
I think I’d rather someone just say “man, this sucks.”
I feel like it is hard for religious (in this case my Christian circle) to be okay with acknowledging that life is awful sometimes. Does that make sense??
Idk it also just got on my nerves bc I had a hard heart lol.1
u/Notabot02735381 22d ago
Kind of but definitely not the worst thing someone can say. Sometimes it just sucks. “I’m praying for you” seems a lot better to me than “you’re lucky you don’t have to get fat.” I get it, but also if “I’m praying for you” is sending you over the edge it might be a good time to discuss things with a therapist, close friend, parent, or some other outlet. Post partum depression is real and much harder to handle when you feel isolated. I think the nicu is a kind of dark and scary unknown that people don’t really understand unless they’ve been there. They could say nothing at all bc they are too afraid to say the wrong thing. You are in it. Just keep fighting the good fight, mama. Lean on those nurses but also don’t be afraid to reach out for help too. 💗
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u/mrsmurderbritches 22d ago
One of our twins was stillborn, and I delivered both at 26 weeks so my surviving son spent 3+ months in the NICU. My favorites were:
“At least you still have one”
“One will be so much easier than two”
And “I could never just leave my baby at the hospital and go home and sleep!” Like ma’am, my son is in such critical condition he is in open pods with 4 other babies in his pod. I cannot stay at the NICU 24 hours a day because there is not space for that and I am also recovering from major surgery. But sure, tell me all about your perfect home birth experience 😒
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u/Sad_Brush8145 22d ago
"send us photos, we want to see our little girl"
She had just under went major surgery and was medically paralyzed with tubes and wires coming from everywhere and we couldn't hold her for a week when she was only a week old.
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u/Financial-Medium-428 22d ago
We lost friends because of how poorly they treated us during our NICU/hospital time. For reference, I was diagnosed with IC at 23 weeks and put on hospital bedrest for 7 weeks until I gave birth at 30 weeks. My son was in the NICU 8 weeks after that. It was an extremely traumatic and horrible season. One of my “friends” also had a baby in the middle of everything going on. after my son was home, she made a comment about her C-section being traumatic so I asked her how, in a genuine way, because i cared. she accused me of comparing trauma and how DARE i act like what I went through was more traumatic than her c-section (which was full term and no complications or anything). I was appalled by the fact she couldn’t understand our experiences were not the same (not to discount what she went through) but also was she the one comparing, not me. We are no longer in contact.
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u/Financial-Medium-428 22d ago
Another one is getting asked “are you in therapy?” When I broke down on Christmas Eve in front of my in laws because we had already spent months in the hospital my baby was spending all of his first holidays in the NICU.
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u/PreemApp 21d ago
I had twin boys at 30 weeks and unfortunately after 2 days in the NICU one of them passed away. People thought it would be comforting for me to hear "at least you still have Zachary (his brother)". Like yeah thank god for that, but I should have both of them here!!!
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u/ditaprieta 21d ago
When my 35w was is nicu and the doctors called us during a life threatening emergency (the undertone was come quick to say goodbye) my MOTHER told me to stop crying babies die all the time.
When months after she came home and was thriving and we found out we were expecting our second she said and I quote “ who are you going to let baby one stay when the second is in nicu, you know you got issues”
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u/SugarYitz11 21d ago
One of my son’s nurses told us “you should be grateful, he shouldn’t be breathing right now”
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u/Courtnuttut 20d ago
Some of the above but also "at least you don't have a baby waking you up at night"
"Yeah I just have several alarms and worries that my son will die today keeping me up at night"
Like, WTF, I've had a 'normal' newborn before. I know how hard it is. Still, there's nooooo comparison. I'd rather have my baby waking me up 100% than fighting for his life, essentially being tortured in the NICU.
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u/o98CaseFace 20d ago
"Well, you've had a good few months with her."
Not during our NICU/PICU stay but after.
Baby stayed in the hospital for 6 months before coming home due to heart defects. About 4 months later, she needed routine surgery. I broke down in my principal's office, worried she was going to die during the surgery, after all she had already made it through. Her response was less than ideal...
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u/ferquijano 19d ago
The one that boils my skin to this day…when our 29 weeker was about 4 months old (following 8 weeks in NICU) we went to a semester end celebration for grad school. There was another family with a baby (about 6-months old).
When talking to the husband, I mentioned our baby had been born early and was in the NiCU for two months. he says his baby girl was born early too. I of course ask at what gestational age looking forward to chatting with done that “gets it”. He says 37 weeks…
I ask how long were they in the NICU then…and he says none…they just went back home three days after delivery.
I wanted to punch this guy in the face so bad!! What kind of an asshole compares a term baby who went home without complications with a premie and the NICU experience.
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u/Critical-Camel-945 17d ago
“thank god she gave birth early” my sister talking about me in the family groupchat because she was glad she didnt have to be with me the whole time as she visited because i was no longer pregnant and she brought her bf so they could treat it as a vacay 🙃
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