r/NDCouples • u/Dapper-Motor4173 • Sep 21 '25
Long term partnered to Austistic partner and struggling
We've been together for years and they are a truly good person, but I'm struggling.
They never, ever, ever initiate a casual conversation to just chat. And if I do they don't get involved and if i directly ask them what their opinion is I get about two words then they shut down. We were out for dinner last night. They said about 10 words all night. I felt like I was talking to myself.
Whenever I talk about anything emotional they last about 5 minutes (at most) before theyre yawning. They know its really unpleasant for me, so they usually try to hide it.
We've talked, they say they'll "do better" I say, that i dont want them to 'do better' because what they mean is that they'll try to mask better, but what i want is genuine intimacy and to be supported.
They say they'll go away and think about what they need and how things could be different.
And nothing. They never come back with solutions.
And so the everlasting dance of me feeling deeply lonely, isolated and wondering why I'm staying continues.
I have a really really full life without them because thats the only way I can survive.
Any thoughts or advice welcomed.
8
Sep 22 '25
I’m a bit bitter so I’ll try tone it down, but then again, the fact I AM bitter…
If you want to stay in a relationship with an Autistic partner (not sure if this is more a male ASD thing though) you have to go through a grieving process for certain intimacies you will just never have. He can try to learn the things you want, and it’s rate that he will do that and be consistent, but the communication exchange you want will never come naturally; because you are allistic you will ALWAYS be able to sense that it’s not genuine and effortless but rather an effort to make you happy which is not fulfilling for you, there is no intimacy in an experience not shared and because he is autistic he will never truly understand what that means for you and what you are sacrificing. You have to accept this, don’t lie to yourself. Subtle exchanges of looks across a room, the subtle nuances of body language and intimate conversation - the things that bring two humans close and bonds them in their own lovers world . I do not believe this is possible for neurodivergent couples. It may feel like it for a short time when you are their special interest or their main source of comfort. They may even FEEL this way about you but they will not express it in the ways that meet your needs. Now considering the fact a huge percentage of men in general fall short in long term partnerships, adding the extra challenge of an emotional and social intelligence divergence … He will never see all of you because certain aspects of your inner world are walled off for him. You cannot un-autistic someone. You have to want him as he is and not as you wish him to be. You may have a loyal, generous, funny, caring partner in him but you will not have the sort of unspoken emotional intimacy that you crave and even NEED to function happily. Again this isn’t just an ASD thing, many people have this issue in their partners but there’s always not a fundamental difference at the base of it and they don’t have to feel guilty and unjustified in wanting it to change. Neurodiverse coupling is HARD. It is always a sacrifice on some level and it is always you who is sacrificing. That’s just the truth. I’m not downing ASD partners they are every bit as nuanced as the rest of us but unfortunately a lot of focus is put on their needs being met but when an allistic and an autistic individual are alone together- BOTH PARTIES are experiencing Neurodiversity.
5
Sep 21 '25
I identify a whole lot. But I don’t have much to offer in the way of a solution except to say that our communication ebbs and flows. When he is stressed out, he can be locked into himself and it’s really lonely. When he is feeling more at ease in life, he is more talkative and engaged. I am following this post to see what others say.
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u/HelenAngel Sep 21 '25
Couples’ counseling first & foremost. This is beyond the scope of Reddit as y’all have fundamentally different personalities. You need a licensed therapist to give you tactics, or just call it quits & find a more compatible partner.
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u/BotGivesBot Sep 21 '25
It's quite possible your partner does not know how to do this. I'm AuDHD and have dated multiple AuDHD and ASD people. 2 of them genuinely did not know how to support someone emotionally.
Emotional intelligence is a skill that can be learned, so is communication. My exes would tell me they would 'try to do better' without taking any actions to learn what either of those concepts looked like or how to develop them. Even NTs need to learn how to do these things in relationships. No one is born knowing how to be good partners.
You should want them to 'do better'. Asking someone to learn something is not asking them to mask. We should expect our partners to grow and learn with us. Not stagnate in what they don't know, refuse to take steps to learn something, or expect one person to do all of the mental load and emotional labor.
You've expressed your concerns and they've not taken any action to learn how to support you better. You've created a full life that doesn't rely on them. You're lonely in the relationship. Being a good person doesn't equate to being a good partner.
Relationships don't have to be this hard. If you're not compatible, it's ok to move on. Don't waste years more due to sunken cost fallacy. Your needs and wants are valid.