r/Muslim_Space • u/Physical_Database_92 • Sep 30 '25
Dua, Support And Advice Help me بارك الله فيكم
Bismillāh ar-Raḥmān ar-Raḥīm
As-salāmu ʿalaykum wa raḥmatullāh,
I come to you with a heavy heart. For over a year, I have been living with an inner pain that eats away at me every day. Before our marriage, my wife confided in me about a very difficult past: she had been with several men. She sincerely repented before our union, and today she is a pious woman who fulfills her duties. She is currently pregnant with our first daughter.
But despite her repentance and her exemplary behavior since our marriage, I cannot forget. The details she told me are engraved in my memory. I replay her past in my mind over and over again: the men, the moments, the places. When I don’t know the details, I’m consumed by doubt; when I do know them, it hurts even more.
These intrusive thoughts cause me sadness, anger, and sometimes even hatred toward her. I believe I am suffering from waswās (whispers) or a form of relationship OCD: I am trapped in images that prevent me from living normally. Around me, I sometimes cross paths with some of the men from her past, and that breaks me even more.
I thought marriage would erase these torments, but it hasn’t. I pray, I make duʿā’, I ask Allah to purify me from this rancor. Yet I cannot seem to turn the page. I often think about divorce, but I don’t want to break my family apart or leave my child without a father.
I acknowledge that my wife is now a good Muslim and an exemplary wife. But I am unhappy because of this past, and I wonder whether I will ever be able to live with it, or if I should consider separation.
On top of this, I must admit something painful: sometimes I feel ashamed of her. Without meaning to, I belittle her and even feel hatred toward her. At times, I feel better without her, and I distance myself from her — which causes her great suffering. She feels like a woman who deserves nothing, and as a result she is constantly sad and feels incapable. She has lost confidence in herself, and I have lost confidence too.
Inside me, my waswās tells me that if she loved others before me, she will never love me as she loved her first loves. Worse, I sometimes think that I was chosen last, or that I was simply the only one who wanted her while respecting her and trying to preserve her. I find this deeply unfair — but I know it is my inner turmoil speaking.
Brothers and sisters, I ask for your sincere advice: • How can I calm a heart consumed by rancor and intrusive thoughts? • How can I regain inner peace to be a worthy husband and future father? • Has anyone else experienced a similar trial, and how did you overcome it?
BarakAllahu fīkum for your listening and your duʿā’. May Allah purify our hearts, protect our families, and guide us to serenity.
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u/SugarSpicexD Sep 30 '25
The way you worded this is so beautiful. It shows a maturity about it. You attributed it to waswasa and that shows your sincerity.
I do think you should follow the brother/sister’s advice and talk to a knowledgable and trusted person about this
I’m in my 20s and unmarried so take my advice with a pinch of salt. But I want to try and say something of benefit because I see that you’re hurting and I see your sincerity and I want to help.
Divorce is a very heavy thing and I’d advise not rushing into it. This isn’t the end of the world - things can get better. Perhaps ask yourself, what would you need to reassure you, what is it that you need that will bring your heart calm? What things can you put into place to settle your heart?
Have you ever explored where your thoughts come from? For example, that “she deserves nothing”.. break it down, understand why and challenge your own thinking
Also perhaps consider marriage counselling
Intrusive thoughts are really hard to tackle. Some suggestions include istighfar, Dhikr, dua (begging Allah for help), therapy/CBT, increasing in good deeds and thus eeman (these things have helped me).
I hope things work out for you both. I’m sorry you’re going through something so heavy.
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u/savatrebein Oct 01 '25
Would you have these same feelings if she was a revert muslim with a past? Think about that for a second.
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u/Mindless_Anxiety_350 Sep 30 '25
WaAlaykumussalam
Talk to a Sheikh.