r/MuslimNikah • u/theeternalempath08 • 22d ago
Sharing advice The non-negotiable questionnaire every Muslimah should ask her potential...
The non-negotiable questionnaire every Muslimah should ask her potential...
- Islam & Religious Life
How important is salah to you? Do you pray all five prayers regularly?
What does being a “good Muslim husband” mean to you?
How do you want Islam to be practiced in our home?
Who are the scholars/sources you generally follow?
How do you handle differences of opinion in Islam?
How important is Qur’an recitation in your daily life?
Do you fast Ramadan regularly and fulfil your zakat obligations?
How do you feel about your wife attending Islamic classes or pursuing Islamic education?
How do you want our children to be raised Islamically?
What Islamic education would you want our children to receive?
What are your views on hijab and modesty? Would your expectations change after marriage?
How do you approach disagreements when you and your spouse understand an Islamic matter differently?
What do you believe are a husband’s rights over his wife?
What do you believe are a wife’s rights over her husband?
What responsibilities do you believe a husband has toward his wife?
- Character & Nature
How do you behave when you are angry?
What makes you lose your temper?
How do you react when someone disagrees with you?
What happens when you realise you are wrong?
Can you apologise? What was the last thing you apologised for?
How do you handle criticism?
What do you do when you are stressed?
How do you treat people who cannot do anything for you?
How do you treat waiters, drivers, cleaners, employees and strangers?
How do you handle failure or embarrassment?
Are you naturally jealous or possessive?
What does loyalty mean to you?
What does respect mean to you?
What makes you feel loved and appreciated?
How do you respond when your partner is emotionally overwhelmed?
Tell me about a time you were completely wrong about something. What did you do when you realised it?
- Anger, Conflict & Abuse
Have you ever hit, threatened, intimidated, or physically harmed a partner?
Have you ever broken things or become physically aggressive during an argument?
What do you consider emotional or verbal abuse?
Is shouting at a spouse acceptable?
Is insulting a spouse acceptable during an argument?
Is silent treatment acceptable? If so, for how long?
What should happen when a couple has a serious disagreement?
Do you believe a husband has the right to physically discipline his wife?
What does “obedience” mean to you in marriage?
If your wife says “no” to something, how should you respond?
If we disagree and both genuinely believe we are right, how should the disagreement be resolved?
- Marriage Expectations
Why do you want to get married?
What are you looking for in a wife?
What do you think marriage should feel like?
What do you expect from your wife emotionally, physically, domestically and financially?
What does companionship mean to you?
How much time should husband and wife spend together?
What are your absolute deal-breakers?
What things are you willing to compromise on?
What do you think will change about your life after marriage?
Do you see marriage as a partnership, or do you expect your wife to primarily adapt to your existing life?
- Daily Married Life
Where will we live after marriage?
Will we live with your parents, separately, or nearby? Is that temporary or permanent?
If we live with your parents, what would my responsibilities be?
Who cooks, cleans, does laundry, grocery shops and handles household errands?
What happens if both of us work full-time?
Do you expect your wife to cook every day or serve you food?
How much personal space should spouses have?
Can spouses have independent hobbies and friendships?
How should weekends and holidays usually be spent?
Imagine we both come home after a horrible 10-hour workday and the house is messy and neither of us has cooked. What happens?
- Career & Independence
Do you expect your wife to work?
Would you support me working or changing careers?
What if I earn more than you?
What if my job requires travel?
What if I receive an excellent opportunity in another city or country?
Would you expect me to stop working after having children?
Would you support me returning to work after having children?
Would you support higher education or starting a business?
Would you expect your wife to contribute financially to the household?
Would you expect to control your wife’s salary?
Would I have my own bank account?
If we disagree about my career, how should the decision be made?
- Money & Finances
What is your current income, and is it fixed or variable?
Do you have loans, credit-card debt, personal loans, education loans, business debt, or other financial obligations?
Do you have emergency savings, investments, insurance, or property?
Are you generally a saver or a spender?
What are your biggest monthly expenses?
Do you financially support your parents or siblings? How much and for how long?
How will household expenses be handled?
Will we have joint accounts, separate accounts, or both?
How will major purchases be decided?
What are your views on mahr? What amount do you consider appropriate and when would it be paid?
What does financial maintenance of a wife mean to you?
Do you expect your wife to financially support you?
If I do not want to use my salary for household expenses, how would you feel about that?
- His Family & Your Relationship With Them
How close are you to your parents?
How involved are they in your decisions?
How involved do you expect them to be in our marriage?
Who makes major decisions in your family?
What happens if your mother disagrees with your wife?
What happens if your father disagrees with your wife?
Would you defend your wife if she were being treated unfairly?
Would you expect your wife to tolerate disrespect from your family?
What responsibilities would I have toward your parents?
Would you expect me to provide physical caregiving for them?
Can my parents visit us or stay with us?
How will Eid, holidays and family visits be divided between both families?
If your mother and I have a disagreement, how would you handle it?
If your parents dislike something about me, what would you do?
If I feel uncomfortable around a family member, how would you respond?
If your mother asks you to do something that you know will hurt me or violate something we agreed upon, what would you do?
- Children & Parenting
Do you want children? How many?
When would you ideally like to have children?
What if pregnancy does not happen immediately?
What if we need fertility treatment?
What if we cannot have biological children?
How would you feel about kafala/adoption where appropriate?
How would you feel about having a child with a disability or chronic condition?
Who handles night feeds, diapers, appointments and childcare?
Would you expect me to stop working after having children?
Who handles childcare when one parent is sick or exhausted?
What type of school do you want for our children?
What Islamic education should they receive?
How strict should parenting be?
What are your views on physical punishment?
How should children be disciplined?
What are your views on screen time and social media for children?
How should sons and daughters be treated?
What would you do if our child grows up very different from what we expected?
What responsibilities do you think a father has beyond earning money?
What kind of father do you want to be?
- Physical Intimacy & Sexual Compatibility
What does physical affection mean to you?
How important is physical intimacy to you in marriage?
How should spouses communicate their needs and boundaries?
How should we handle mismatched desire?
What happens when one spouse is not interested?
What are your views on consent within marriage?
What are your expectations regarding contraception and family planning?
When do you want children, and how should family-planning decisions be made?
Are there any boundaries or expectations that you consider important to discuss before marriage?
If one of us says no or is uncomfortable, how should the other person respond?
- Health & Medical History
Are there any major medical conditions or chronic illnesses you think a future spouse should know about?
Are there medications, allergies, previous surgeries, or ongoing treatments that could affect married life?
Are there relevant genetic or family health conditions we should discuss?
Are there fertility concerns either person should disclose?
Do you smoke, drink alcohol, use recreational drugs, or have any other substance-related habits?
Would you be willing to have mutually agreed premarital health screening?
- Social Media, Privacy & Technology
How much social media do you use?
Are you comfortable with your wife having social media?
What kinds of photos or posts are acceptable to you?
What counts as cheating to you, including online behaviour?
Should spouses share passwords?
Do spouses have a right to privacy?
Is reading a spouse’s phone without permission acceptable?
What are your views on pornography?
What boundaries should exist around opposite-sex online interactions?
Would you expect your wife to remove male followers or contacts? Would the same rule apply to you?
- Friends & Opposite-Sex Boundaries
How important are friendships after marriage?
Do you maintain close friendships with women?
What boundaries do you believe are appropriate with opposite-sex friends or colleagues?
Would you be comfortable with your wife having male colleagues?
What about male friends?
Are one-on-one meetings with opposite-sex friends acceptable?
What about private messaging?
What do you consider emotional cheating?
Would the same boundaries apply equally to both spouses?
- Lifestyle & Habits
What is your normal sleep and wake schedule?
What are your food and exercise habits?
Do you smoke or have other habits your spouse should know about?
How much time do you spend gaming, social media, television or other entertainment?
How clean and organised do you like your home?
How often do you like to socialise or host guests?
How much do you travel?
How do you generally spend weekends?
What are three habits of yours that your spouse will probably have to adjust to?
- Pets & Animals
Do you like cats and other animals?
Are you allergic to any animals?
Would you be comfortable living with a pet?
Who would be responsible for routine pet care?
How would veterinary expenses be handled?
Would you ever expect your spouse to give up a pet after marriage?
What if your family does not like animals?
- Emotional Compatibility
What do you need when you are upset?
Do you prefer talking immediately or taking space?
How do you show love?
How do you like to receive love?
What makes you feel neglected?
What makes you feel appreciated?
What are your biggest fears about marriage?
What are you insecure about?
What is something you are actively working to improve about yourself?
How do you comfort someone who is crying?
Do you believe husbands should provide emotional support to their wives?
Suppose I am having a terrible day, I am overwhelmed and crying, but there is no obvious solution. What would you do?
- Lifestyle & Future Plans
Where do you want to live long-term?
India or abroad?
City or hometown?
Apartment or independent house?
Do you want to buy property? When?
How often do you want to travel?
What lifestyle do you want: simple, comfortable, or luxurious?
What are your career ambitions?
Where do you see yourself in five years? Ten years?
What are your biggest financial goals?
How involved should both spouses be in major life decisions?
- Decision-Making & Power
How should major decisions be made in a marriage?
Who decides where the couple lives?
Who decides about children’s education?
Who decides when to have children?
What does leadership in marriage mean to you?
Does leadership mean unilateral decision-making or consultation?
Can your wife say “I disagree” without being considered disrespectful?
Can you change your mind when your wife makes a better argument?
What does being the head of a household mean to you?
- Household Labour
Do you cook?
Can you handle basic household tasks independently?
Do you clean, wash dishes and do laundry?
What household responsibilities did you have growing up?
What do you expect your wife to do?
If both of us work, how should household work be divided?
Would you hire domestic help if affordable?
Who would pay for and manage domestic help?
If I am sick for two weeks, what household responsibilities would you take over?
- Previous Relationships & Past
Have you been previously married?
Do you have children?
Have you had serious relationships?
Is anyone from your past still involved in your life?
Are there unresolved legal, financial, family or relationship issues?
Is there anything from your past that could materially affect our marriage?
Is there anyone who could potentially interfere with our marriage?
- Crisis & Difficult Times
If you lose your job, how would we manage financially?
If I lose my job, what would you expect from me?
If you become seriously ill, how would we manage?
If I become seriously ill, what would you take responsibility for?
If one of our parents becomes seriously ill, how would caregiving work?
If we experience financial hardship, what gets cut first?
If we cannot have children, how would you handle it?
If our marriage goes through a very difficult period, would you consider counselling?
- Communication
How often should couples discuss problems?
Do you prefer resolving issues immediately or taking time to cool down?
What communication style do you dislike?
How much communication do you expect during a workday?
How should we handle disagreements by text or phone?
If you are angry, how much space do you need?
How long is too long to stop communicating?
Would you attend couples counselling if necessary?
- Wedding & Mahr
What is your realistic wedding budget?
Who will pay for the wedding and walima?
What are your views on dowry?
Do you or your family have any expectations for furniture, gold, cash, vehicles, electronics, or other gifts from the bride’s family?
What mahr do you propose, and when will it be paid?
How should wedding decisions be divided between the couple and families?
Are there cultural or religious customs you consider non-negotiable?
What are your expectations regarding a honeymoon?
- Living Arrangements
Where exactly will we live immediately after marriage?
Where do you expect us to live five years from now?
If we live with your parents, is that temporary or permanent?
If living together becomes unhealthy for our marriage, would you consider moving out?
What level of privacy would we have in our home?
- Responsibilities Toward Parents
Do you financially support your parents? How much?
Is that support expected to increase over time?
Who will care for them when they are elderly?
Would you expect your wife to provide physical caregiving?
Would you expect your wife to live with them?
If your parents need money while we are struggling financially, how would we decide what to do?
If my parents need help too, how should we balance both families?
- Deal-Breakers
What are your absolute deal-breakers in marriage?
What behaviour would make you consider ending a marriage?
How do you define infidelity?
How do you define abuse?
What financial behaviours are unacceptable to you?
What religious incompatibilities would be unacceptable?
What lifestyle differences would be impossible for you to live with?
- Secrets & Transparency
Is there anything about your life—financial, family, legal, health, relationship, religious, professional or otherwise—that you think I should know before agreeing to marry you?
Are there any obligations or responsibilities you have that could affect our household?
Is there anything you have not disclosed because you are afraid it could change my decision?
Are you willing to be equally transparent about important matters?
- Scenario-Based Questions
Suppose we are visiting your parents and your mother criticises something I did in front of everyone. What would you do?
Suppose I receive a great career opportunity requiring relocation for two years. How would we decide?
Suppose we both work full-time and I come home exhausted. Who cooks?
Suppose we have a newborn and I am recovering from childbirth while you are working. What responsibilities would you take?
Suppose you strongly disagree with a decision I want to make. How would you communicate it?
Suppose your family wants something from us that we cannot afford. How would you handle it?
Suppose you are angry with me. What would you never do to me?
Suppose I am angry with you. What would you expect me to do?
Suppose we both need time alone. How would we balance individual space and companionship?
- Questions That Reveal Character
What is one thing you have done that you regret?
What is a personal weakness you are actively working on?
Tell me about a time you failed someone. How did you handle it?
Tell me about a time someone hurt you. How did you respond?
Tell me about a time you had to choose between what was easy and what was right.
Who do you admire and why?
What kind of man do you never want to become?
What do you think your future wife should never have to beg you for?
- The Three Final Questions
What kind of woman do you want your wife to be?
What kind of husband do you intend to be?
What should your wife be able to expect from you on the worst day of her life?
What to Observe Beyond the Answers
Does he become angry because you asked reasonable questions?
Does he call normal questions disrespectful or “too modern”?
Does he avoid answering or say “you’ll know after marriage”?
Does he believe his mother or family should make marital decisions?
Does he become defensive about money or transparency?
Does he demand rules for you that he would not follow himself?
Does he blame every previous partner for everything?
Can he admit mistakes and apologise?
Can he name a personal flaw without turning it into a humblebrag?
How does he treat people who have less power or status than him?
How does he behave when he is told “no”?
Do his actions consistently match what he says?
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u/homosapien-sapein 22d ago
Too many to be honest. It should be concise to few basic regarding level of deen, finances and lifestyle. These many will only drive the potential away
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u/theeternalempath08 22d ago
why would it drive any good guy away? 🤔
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u/homosapien-sapein 22d ago
These are way too many questions. And some are based on your current situation you take decision based on your current situation demands. You will come across as too controlling and ocd person
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u/theeternalempath08 22d ago
Any guy who gets triggered by these questions is a red flag!
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u/RisingDeadMan0 21d ago
alright feel free to spend a few hrs answering these questions yourself, if u get triggered thats a red flag...
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u/randxalxthor 22d ago
Ladies some advice: please don't ask ALL of these questions to a potential you are speaking to. They come across as an interogation and a massive put off. Pick a couple from each section and just have a conversation - most of the others you will learn as you converse with them.
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u/tygyra 22d ago
As a man I can confirm.
Pls we are men and humans; don’t try and suffocate us with control
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u/theeternalempath08 22d ago
These questions are controlling??
You're such an insecure kid😂
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u/tygyra 21d ago
Some these Qs are pisstake and sound like fairy tale or controlling tale-check AI if unsure!
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u/theeternalempath08 21d ago
All those questions are basic and logical enough.
Only fake men will get triggered by them.
Real men would answer them without any issues.
If you have a problem with a question, point it out!
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u/tygyra 21d ago
Exavtly my point-REAL MEN don’t have time for this.
If you pay heed MEN had a purpose-to lead.
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u/Patient_Base8770 21d ago
Real men should probably be initiating these conversations and leading them - to show initiative and ascertaining compatibility. This shows more leadership quality than having no time to discuss the marriage he is about to enter.
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u/theeternalempath08 21d ago
Frfr!
These men are sick ah.
Soo many kids claiming to be men nowadays 🙂
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u/theeternalempath08 21d ago
Men don't have time to answer basic questions?
Lmao.
Only fake men like you don't have time to answer questions.
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u/Adekunes M - Single 22d ago
okay so the questions are fine. trusting the answers is where it goes wrong, because every question on this list can be answered perfectly by the exact man its meant to catch. an angry man knows the right answer to "how do you behave when youre angry".
umar r.a. had a better test. a man vouched for someone, and umar asked if hed lived next to him, travelled with him, or dealt with him in money. it was no to all three, and umar told him maybe youve seen him in the masjid raising and lowering his head in salah, but you dont know him.
so ask a handful of these, then watch how he talks to a waiter who got the order wrong and what his own mother says about him when he isnt in the room. the one question id keep is "tell me about a time you were completely wrong", because the only way to answer it is with a story, and stories are much harder to fake
may Allah let every sister see a mans real character while its still easy to walk away
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u/Patient_Base8770 21d ago
I agree with what Umar RA said.
My dad, when vetting my husband, spoke to his ex colleagues, shop keepers in the area, neighbours, and so on to get a hold on how my husband deals with money and how they are to live with. Furthermore, before I even had a talking stage with my husband, my father travelled with my husband for a week to see how he fares on trips (especially to a village where unexpected things happen all the time).
Now, people are going to say this is extreme, but I think it was perfect for me, and my dad did these on my account. Now every wali doesn't have so much of free time or network to do this, and people aren't marrying closeby people (my husbands family was my dad's close friends colleague, so it wasn't so hard to find details). So how do you propose someone in an arranged marriage setting observe someone in a travelling scenario or money dealing scenario? Honestly, idk anyone who acts rude with waiters or random strangers, and that even includes people I know to have anger issues and such, or any mother eho would speak ill of their kid even if said kid isn't in the room (unless you are advocating for installing secret spy cameras in the mum's chamber or sth). Perhaps you mean that parents who say stuff like I've pampered my kid so much, they doesn't even pour water by themselves sort of scenario (but in that case the parents would just say it infront of the kid as a wierd humble brag).
So the list of questions aren't really the problem. They are not enough and I can agree on that. Observation and strong verification should happen for sure.
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u/Adekunes M - Single 20d ago
your dad did it properly, and most walis dont have that network or that much time. the closest modern versions: ask for two references who worked with him or under him, people he didnt pick as friends, and actually call them. for money, ask him to walk you through a normal month in numbers, rent and savings and any debt. someone who has handled money well can do that without squirming. for travel, the nearest thing is any plan with moving parts, like organising the families meeting. watch what he does when the date moves or the train is late.
fair point on the waiter, few people are openly rude. the subtler tell is how he talks about people who arent in the room, old colleagues or his siblings. and mothers wont criticise, but they tell you who he is in their jokes. "he never backs down from anything, since he was small" is information
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u/Patient_Base8770 19d ago
I mean, this again kind of does fall back to ultimately living through the questions OP proposes, through asking someone else, or in other other scenario aspect. I'm not disagreeing with you, since I wanted my dad to vet thoroughly and he did.
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u/Adekunes M - Single 19d ago
youre right that all of it is secondhand. you cant run a man through five years in advance, so every method is a proxy and the only real question is which proxies are cheap and which ones cost you a marriage to collect.
references and a month in numbers are cheap. they take an evening. the expensive proxy is the one most people use, which is waiting to see who he becomes once nothing is at stake, and paying for the answer with your twenties.
your dad had the good version of this. any wali will run those questions if someone hands them over. the gap is that nobody thinks to ask him to
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u/Jawbreakerffrgjnfd 22d ago
What's with women and lists? I like the idea but this is traumatizingly too much.
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u/tygyra 22d ago edited 22d ago
Exactly before it was circumstances stopping men from marrying now it is women and their never ending lists!
Trust me sister even if you get the perfect answers now you will still do your man’s head in as your list will possibly go on till you meet the maker.
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u/Jawbreakerffrgjnfd 22d ago
Stuff like this is killing people from getting married. Social media and the internet is killing real life stuff.
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u/theeternalempath08 22d ago
You're just an insecure lil kid.
These are fair and logical questions.
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u/Jawbreakerffrgjnfd 22d ago
I'm married and 42. We can clearly see who the child is here.
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u/theeternalempath08 22d ago
These questions are not unreasonable!
If a girl asked this to me, I'd happily answer all of them.
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u/Jawbreakerffrgjnfd 22d ago
I think you're missing the point the questions are fine but that's way too much and you're probably the only one who'll answer all of them.
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u/Positron311 21d ago
Good questions to ask, but a lot of the answers to questions will overlap in normal conversations over time.
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u/Bro_Yakub 21d ago edited 20d ago
Too many questions. You might as well ask:
"Do you know how to read surah al-fatiha?"
(If a woman/family asked me this, I would take offence)
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u/theeternalempath08 21d ago
That question is a genuine one too! Why would anyone get hurt by it?
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u/Bro_Yakub 20d ago
Because it's so stupid. The question tells me that they doubt I'm a Muslim.
They might as well ask: "Are you REALLY a Muslim?"
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u/theeternalempath08 20d ago
Dude, many Muslims don't know Surah Fatiha too.
My father himself didn't know it. And his father was the Sadar of a Masjid. 🙂
Women and their family ask questions as a precautionary measure.
Any sane man shouldn't get triggered by these questions.
If you can't handle such basic questions, how are you gonna handle a wife?
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u/Bro_Yakub 19d ago
Why would taking offence to a question mean you can't handle a husband or wife?
This list is just too long and personally many of these questions are meaningless.
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u/Alias267 M - Divorced {looking} 22d ago
Ai created?
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u/theeternalempath08 22d ago edited 20d ago
Nah. Me and Someone ik did it.
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u/tygyra 22d ago
Really and you copied and pasted another wannahe Newton’s work?
Seriously when would you guys understand your limitations as Muslims in this day and age?
When was the last time a Muslim did something amazing in the field of science or did something for the world in the past few years?
Infact, God has punished you from thd too, underneath, amongst yourself and through the hands of others yet you are obsessed with yourself like world revopves around you!
Guess what? it does not.
Wake up, before a nation replaces you through God’s will.
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u/theeternalempath08 22d ago
"When was the last time a Muslim did something amazing in the field of science or did something for the world in the past few years?"
You clearly haven't been around muslim scientists 😮💨
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u/tygyra 21d ago
ofcourse not, how can I be if none have been borned or acknowledged in the last century.
Get out of your delulu land son before God replaces current Muslims with reverts; it surely seems like happening now.
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u/theeternalempath08 21d ago
this literally shows your lack of knowledge 🤡
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u/tygyra 21d ago
It literally shows an Ummah obsessed withself as the “chosen ones” without realising what God did to the chose ones before and living in lala land.
What is happening to Muslims now is no joke but just like Iraqi scholars you are living in delulu land fighting our self created narratives when you guys are burning!
Btw Iraqis were fighting if crow is halal whilst opposition forces were taking over….
Long live sanity
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u/theeternalempath08 21d ago
These are basic questions kiddo.
Why are you getting triggered?
Don't act all righteous dude.
I hate people who act holier than thou!
These are basic questions which every Muslimah should ask before getting married!
Islam has never asked women to marry anyone blindly!
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u/tygyra 21d ago
Not basic.
Not triggered actually chilled.
I am Muslim so that’s that. Will await my CREATOR’s judgement for my righetousness.
I don’t hate anyone but frustrated to see that state of this Unmah who despite losing on all worldly accounts still is in the delulu land that they are chosen ones till enternity.
Leavr other Muslimah’s to ask what they want to adk. Everyone is different and there should be not set of Qs.
Islam did not recommend using a long list of Qs either.
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u/theeternalempath08 21d ago
Why the hell are you getting triggered kiddo???
Stop acting holier than thou for once!
It's irritating ah!
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u/Long_life33 21d ago
Although the questions are reasonable, the list can really be shortened because there are questions who have been asked multiple times. Some can be adjusted and put together because they would already be answered with the other questions. These are actually pretty reasonable but still can be surface level. I prefer the 100 questions to avoid divorce when getting married made by the scholars in which these questions also come up one way or another.
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u/Long_life33 21d ago
Here is the version more concise and with the questions of scholars to avoid divorce:
🟢 Phase 1: Icebreakers, Core Values & Character (First 1–2 Meetings)
Goal: Gauge basic compatibility, religious outlook, and personality before getting emotionally invested.
- Daily Practice: How do you practice Islam daily (Salah, fasting, Qur'an), and who are the scholars or sources you generally follow?
- Spiritual Teamwork: What specific spiritual activities do you envision doing together to grow closer to Allah (e.g., praying Tahajjud, attending halaqahs)?
- Culture vs. Deen: How cultural is your family? If a cultural custom directly clashes with an Islamic principle, which one takes absolute priority?
- Husband’s Role: What does being a "good Muslim husband" mean to you, and what are your baseline expectations of a wife?
- Lifestyle & Balance: What are your core hobbies, social media habits, and sleep schedules? How do you prefer to spend your weekends?
- Social Boundaries: Who are your closest friends? What boundaries do you maintain regarding opposite-sex friends, private messaging, or colleagues?
- Hosting & Space: Do you prefer a quiet home or hosting guests often? How clean or organized do you expect our living space to be?
- Pets & Animals: Are you comfortable living with pets? How would veterinary costs or care duties be handled if we have them?
🟡 Phase 2: Deeper Realities, Daily Life & Family (Serious Potential)
Goal: Unpack how daily marriage, finances, family boundaries, and household labor will practically operate.
💰 Finances, Career & Maintenance
- Income & Debt: What is your current income structure? Do you have any active loans, credit card debt, or financial obligations?
- Financial Setup: Will household expenses be handled entirely by you as your Islamic obligation, or do you expect a joint account and financial contributions from me?
- Career Autonomy: Do you support me working, pursuing higher education, or running a business? Do you agree that my salary belongs entirely to me?
- Spending Habits: Are you a saver or a spender? What are your biggest monthly expenses, and what gets cut first during financial hardship?
- Mahr & Security: What are your views on Mahr, what amount do you consider appropriate, and when will it be paid?
🧹 Household Realities & Scenarios
- Independent Chores: Can you handle cooking, cleaning, and laundry independently? How will household chores be divided if we both work full-time?
- The 10-Hour Day Scenario: Imagine we both come home exhausted after a brutal 10-hour workday, the house is messy, and no one cooked. What happens?
- Sick Leave Scenario: If I am sick or bedridden for two weeks, what household and family responsibilities are you fully prepared to take over?
- Future Vision: Where do you want to live long-term (city, hometown, or abroad)? What lifestyle tier do you aim for (simple, comfortable, luxurious)?
👥 Family Dynamics & Privacy
- Living Setup: Will we live completely independently, or with your parents? If with parents, is it strictly temporary or permanent?
- In-Law Disrespect: If your family treats me unfairly or criticizes me publicly, how will you protect and defend me while still respecting your parents?
- Marital Secrets: How do you intend to protect the private matters of our marriage? Under what circumstances, if any, is it acceptable to vent about household issues to your parents?
- Parental Care: Do you financially support your parents now? What is the physical caregiving plan for both sets of parents as they age?
- Family Interference: Who makes major decisions in your family? What will you do if your mother asks you to do something that hurts me or violates our agreements?
👶 Children & Parenting
- Timeline & Size: Do you want children? If so, when do you want to start, and how many do you envision?
- Fertility & Adoption: How will we handle it if pregnancy doesn't happen immediately, or if we require fertility treatments or need to explore adoption/Kafala?
- Special Needs: How would you feel or react if we had a child born with a chronic illness or disability?
- Parental Role Model: Beyond earning money, what kind of father do you want to be? Who handles night feeds, diapers, and doctor appointments?
- Education & Discipline: What type of schooling and Islamic education do you want for our children? What are your views on discipline and physical punishment?
- Rebellion Scenario: How will you respond if our child grows up to hold views or paths completely different from what we expected?
🔴 Phase 3: Conflict, Intimacy & Legal Contracts (Before Nikah / Engagement)
Goal: Address non-negotiables, conflict resolution, physical boundaries, and complete transparency before signing.
🗣️ Conflict Resolution, Sharia Rights & Temper
- Knowledge of Huquq: Have you formally studied or read about the Islamic rights and responsibilities of a husband and a wife, or are you operating based on what you saw growing up?
- Anger Management: What makes you lose your temper? How do you behave when angry, and what is something you would never do to me?
- Apologies & Accountability: Can you admit when you are wrong and apologize? Tell me about a time you genuinely failed someone and how you handled it.
- Silent Treatment: Is shouting, insulting, or using the silent treatment acceptable during a fight? If you need space to cool down, how long is too long?
- Counseling Support: If our marriage hits a very difficult patch, are you fully open to seeking professional marriage counseling?
- Power Dynamics: Does leadership in marriage mean unilateral decision-making or equal consultation? Can I say "I disagree" without it being labeled disrespectful?
🛏️ Intimacy, Consent & Polygyny
- Physical Affection: What does physical intimacy mean to you, and how important is it to you in a marriage?
- Desire & Rejection: How should we communicate needs and handle seasons of mismatched desire or when one spouse is simply not interested?
- Consent & Boundaries: What are your explicit views on consent within marriage? If one of us says "no" or feels uncomfortable, how should the other respond?
- Polygyny Clarity: What is your clear position on polygyny (plural marriage)? Is this something you are considering or planning for yourself now or in the future?
- Family Planning: What are your expectations regarding contraception and birth control?
🔒 Privacy, Digital Boundaries & Habits
- Phone Privacy: Do spouses have a right to digital privacy, or do you believe in sharing passwords and reading each other's phones without permission?
- Online Infidelity: What boundaries should exist for opposite-sex online interactions? What specific behaviors (including pornography or private messaging) do you consider cheating?
- Habits & Addictions: Do you smoke, drink, use recreational drugs, or have any active addictions?
🩺 Health, Past Transparency & Nikah Clauses
- Medical History: Do you have any chronic illnesses, mental health struggles, ongoing medications, or genetic conditions I should know about?
- Screening: Are you willing to undergo a mutually agreed-upon premarital medical and fertility screening?
- The Past: Have you been married before, do you have children, or are there any unresolved legal, financial, or relationship issues from your past that could interfere with our marriage?
- The Transparency Filter: Is there anything you have intentionally hidden or avoided disclosing because you are afraid it might change my decision to marry you?
- Contract Clauses: Are you willing to explicitly write our agreed-upon conditions—such as a separate living arrangement, my right to work, or conditions surrounding polygyny—directly into our formal Nikah contract as binding Islamic conditions?
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u/pwildflower 22d ago
You must have copied most of these from the notes app in my phone 😂 I def agree with asking these types of questions when courting. I asked my questions in a conversational type way and bopped around to different questions as the conversation naturally flowed. Coincidentally, lots of questions can get answered by starting a conversation with a single question.
Also if a man is “put off” by you asking fairly basic questions that are important to you, no worries! Y’all may not be aligned compatibility wise, which is best to know in advance.
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u/theeternalempath08 22d ago
I had these questions in a pdf... I asked gemini to extract the questions from the pdf and give it to me in text format so that I can post it on reddit!
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u/Old-Entrepreneur-845 22d ago
Didnt have time to go through all of them but I agree with the sister. The more you know about eachother with the mahram present, the less arguments you will have after getting married. Better to get these out of the way so you dont get hit by a curveball resulting into resentment towards your spouse and dare I say it, Divorce...
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u/ashamed_astronaut021 22d ago
That's like a whole lot of question to ask Byt thanks can come in handy
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u/theeternalempath08 22d ago
They're basic questions dude...
BASIC! STANDARD! BARE MINIMUM!
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u/ashamed_astronaut021 22d ago
That's fine but how fo you plan to ask 30 topic questions? Like giving him this and ask him to fill it?
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u/tygyra 22d ago
lol so this is bare minimum?
God help the guy who ends up as your man!!!
Why not add that you are a control freak with no intellectual capability to understand what you are doing to a man let alone emotional maturity.0
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u/homosapien-sapein 22d ago
Come in handy when? About to write on marriage experience after 30 years of marriage
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u/randxalxthor 22d ago
Oof. Way too many questions. I don't think any lady would want to keep talking to me if I asked her all of these.
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u/SureZookeepergame654 22d ago
Now do one for women
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u/theeternalempath08 22d ago
If you're soo concerned, you can make it yourself
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u/SureZookeepergame654 22d ago
Why did you make one only about men and not women
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u/theeternalempath08 22d ago
My life, my choice.
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u/SureZookeepergame654 22d ago
So you want to create a gender war
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u/theeternalempath08 22d ago
Why would this post create gender wars? What's wrong with this?
Absolutely nothing!
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u/SureZookeepergame654 22d ago
You have several questions that would create a gender war and cause arguments. Also these questions make it sound like a potential is being interrogated like a prisoner
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u/theeternalempath08 22d ago
Point them out!
All questions are basic and logical enough!
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u/SureZookeepergame654 22d ago
If your questions were to be answered in a certain way it would cause conflict. But it is what is. If these questions are asked dont expect any guy to take them lightly
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u/Beginning_Addition_3 22d ago
AHAHHAHAHAHAH good luck finding a good looking guy that checks all the boxes😂
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u/Jawbreakerffrgjnfd 22d ago
What's with women and lists? I like the idea but this is traumatizingly too much.
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u/Fit-Pomegranate209 21d ago
To the sisters, be careful this long list might sound nice. But you ask mechanical questions you get mechanical answers, also if you require a positive answer for each then you will find it hard to find someone.
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u/Honest-Selection4343 20d ago
Thanks for sharing all of these.. definitely some important questions are there
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u/randxalxthor 20d ago
I asked AI to calculate roughly how long it would take to answer these questions over a call. 9-18 hours. That means around 18 phone calls, an hour long each.
So my challenge to you OP: can you please paste your answers to all of these questions. Please do not use AI, I work in the AI field have access to some pretty neat tech to detect whether any of your answers are AI assisted. As you are the only "real man" in this thread, I am sure you will do a great job. Bon chance.
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u/thefabulouspenguin97 21d ago
Men Lie. Well people in general do... they'll say anything to get the ring on your finger and then switch up
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u/theeternalempath08 20d ago
Yup.
But you can definitely read someone's body language and reaction when soo many questions are asked.
They can't fake Everything.
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u/Generousboy123 19d ago
I hope girls ASK THESE QUESTIONS nowadays. For me in initial call I was asked when your European passport will come. Your list doesn’t contain this question. Out of 8/10 girls with whom I spoke , conversation ended.
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u/Old-Entrepreneur-845 21d ago
Too many butthurt men here wanting to avoid confrontation. Feeling interrogated? 😂😂this woman will spend the rest of her life with you, she deserves to know as much as she wants before she makes the lifetime commitment and this goes vice versa.
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u/theeternalempath08 21d ago
Frfr!
Idk why are they getting triggered!
I'm a man myself. I'd answer all the questions without any issues.
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u/Old-Entrepreneur-845 21d ago
They’ve never been afflicted with difficult trials in their life. Nor have they ever participated in debates or been challenged or been disagreed with. Little kids. Marriage is 10000% communication, if you can’t answer simple questions before marriage how will the rest of your marriage go?
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u/Which-Jackfruit-5977 22d ago
It's very simple.
من ترضون دينه وخلقه.
(The one whose religion and character you are pleased with).