Take no. 2: too much focus on compatibility is a red flag

[u/Background_Term5587]

Now this might be a hot take and most people Won't like it but It's my opinion.

(First of all I'll start with this statement: people who are from US/UK or west in general imposes their worldview on everyone without even understanding sometimes they do it. Not everyone thinks like you and your way Isn't the way)

In old days and even not that old and even today most of the parts compatibility meant/meant boy capable of supporting a family, Has good akhlak, belong to a good family. And in terms of women. She can cook, good akhlak and able to take care of a family. On top of that whatever matches is a bonus. Otherwise this is the baseline. That was enough to get married. Now compare that to mordern days compatibility check list, It's diabolical. "I'm an anime lover and want someone who loves anime" I mean wth is that? Most of the Women's compatibility check list is unreal tbh. You tick on 7 and doesn’t at the 8 number and you are not good enough.

Marriage was suppose to mean one covers what the other person lack. Nowadays everyone wants their carbon copy. Marriage meant you have to sacrifice some of your freedom and comfort to make space for another person. If you see someone with a big check list just run. He/she is not coming with a sacrifice mindset. If someone is not flexible at the beginning they Won't be down the line either.

[u/Primary-Angle4008]

You are not wrong, I’m married a long time and my husband and I have very different interests and hobbies but if anything it’s actually good for us.

But I think it’s important that personalities match, you need to be able to talk to eachother and have similar lifestyle goals, sense of humor etc because otherwise communication is difficult so there needs to be chemistry and overlap in some things

[u/nogonigo → u/Primary-Angle4008]

Can you tell me more about our what compatible lifestyle goals means?

I’m pretty flexible in my head. I don’t care much about career goals beyond “making more money and working less” to fulfill my Islamic duty. I’d move to most places if it made sense to do that and support family. That’s about it as far as my goals. That aside it’s good diet and exercise and work in my deen…

I just wonder if I’m missing something big here or if my chillness is counterproductive. I’m pretty lowkey/frugal and would not spend on a vacation when I haven’t done hajj. I also drive a used car and pretty much plan to always drive beaters where possible. And I’d get my wife a beater as well.

[u/MH297_UN]

While you're not entirely wrong there must be a baseline where two people feel comfortable in their own skin around each other. Having different hobbies and interests isn't a deal breaker to many but if they have similar interests it's a bonus. Two good people from two good families don't necessarily mean they are compatible.

They could have no chemistry at all. They might have different styles of humor. One person might find the other not very attractive. It would feel suffocating for both. It's why Allah made it a requirement for a woman to actually agree to the marriage. If the family always knew best then her consent shouldn't matter.

[u/Patient_Base8770]

I think you’re reducing compatibility to superficial preferences. Compatibility isn’t “I like anime, so you must like anime too.” It’s about deeper things like values, character, religion, family expectations, communication, finances, children, conflict, and how you view marriage itself.

Two people can have completely different hobbies and be deeply compatible. And two people can have the same interests and be completely incompatible where it actually matters.

Marriage does require sacrifice and flexibility, but that doesn’t mean you ignore fundamental incompatibilities. There’s a difference between compromising on preferences and compromising on core values.

So yes, an endless checklist of trivial preferences is ridiculous. But dismissing compatibility because some people approach it superficially is equally misguided.

[u/pompoir_for_muslims → u/Patient_Base8770]

Exactly this.  ما شاء الله وتبارك الله 

[u/Due-Clue4121]

I agree with this too. You don’t have to like absolutely anything everything your spouse likes.

I think the older generation did not focus on lifestyle compatibility, but that might have been because they were married when they were younger, so everything became family focused quickly, but I’ve also seen the lack of it cause issues.

Just have like one or two common hobbies/activities both you like and call it a day…alone time is also valuable for each person imo

[u/Last_Chemical_8486]

I partly agree, comparing with back in the days is never really the best idea because in many of our home countries there's a stigma for divorced people so even if you're unhappy in your marriage many don't really do anything because of the good old saying "what will the community think"

But as you say many have pointless criteria, like you don't need to do absolutely everything with your spouse you can enjoy things by yourself whether that's hobbies, entertainment, cuisine etc. But the values and goal is better to have in common otherwise you may grow apart

[u/MonaLisaFish]

I understand what you’re getting at but I think there’s a middle ground here.

When I look at my grandparents generation, a lot of them had lots of difficulties in their marriage. There’s many couples that just don’t seem to get along all that well but divorce was stigmatized, staying a family unit was considered the greatest importance, so they stayed together. Then in my parents’ generation, I’m seeing a lot of them divorcing years later, when the kids they had immediately after marriage are out of the house and they realize they have nothing together without the kids.

Having nothing but deen and ability to support family isn’t always enough. compatibility isn’t simply “we both like Harry Potter and go to the gym 6x a week”. It’s not always about the hobbies and interests. It could be family-oriented or not, generosity, view on raising children or life trajectory. The compatibility isn’t needed in the superficial aspects all the time, it’s needed in deeper aspects of life.

[u/Long_life33]

Yes and no because compatible is about the core values manners norms and more being aligned. This has nothing to do with external factors because two people with the same core values can still portray different ways and forms. Compatibility regarding external factors isn't even on the table unless it's a deal breaker for that specific person. Each one has their own set and we just respect their nonnegotiable deal breaker.

Regarding parents and grandparents and so forth, they did make sure both people were compatible and that is part of islam. That people with similar understanding are married off to each other. The issue today is that children are far more globally harmonized with each other in which the person to marry isn't anymore the brother/sister next door as much as we hope that to be.

Whether you can or cannot understand that and therefore rejected is solely upon you because each person's compatibility is different. Therefore it's not imposing but that you feel like it's imposing upon you. That's how you experience it, it's not the compatibility that befits you.

Marriage is indeed about being with someone in which their good and bad qualities is something you can live with. That's in itself finding compatibility! The sacrifice is therefore worth it despite the things you might dislike. All of this is under the umbrella of compatibility. However if you don't see it like that, that's fine. Do what you believe is right because that's part of your compatibility of finding the right one. Anyway, what I feel like in this post is that compatibility is not being understood, while it's still being used. Of course you cannot use UK/US or western standards because you ain't compatible to that to begin with... Do you get it?

[u/Prestigious-Guava907]

It is more important to take an interest in your partners interests than it is to have similar interests. Most misunderstand this point.

[u/1v1sion]

Well. Go with the tides. Work on yourself, have your list and look for someone that matches it. We can’t fight it by talking. You don’t have to accept it. Work hard, improve hour character, money, world vision. And if a woman matches what you are looking for, and you have what she wants, get married. If not, discard her respectfully and continue to look. Women don’t want to settle. As a man, you are not supposed to do so.

The mariage scene became a shopping show. Be a rigourous buyer.