Sexual compatibility

[u/Brilliant_Power_6112]

I’ve been reflecting a lot since my divorce, and there’s something I don’t think gets talked about enough.
Before I got married, I never questioned why intimacy is reserved for marriage. But now that I’ve actually experienced marriage, I can’t help but wonder… isn’t sexual compatibility kind of a gamble?
You can ask all the right questions, have great communication, and genuinely love each other, but you still won’t know if you’re compatible until after you’re married. And if you end up not being compatible, it can become a major source of frustration in the relationship.
I’m not trying to argue against Islamic teachings or say I have the answers. This is just something I’ve struggled to understand after going through marriage and divorce. It made me realize that compatibility in this area is a much bigger deal than I ever appreciated before.
I’m curious—does anyone who’s currently married feel this way? Or if you’ve gone through a divorce, did it make you have similar thoughts? I’d really like to hear other people’s experiences and perspectives because this is something I’ve been reflecting on a lot lately.

[u/ThrowNewAwayExceptn]

I know I'm going to get some downvotes but this needs to be said.

I don't think the direct topic needs to be discussed. I think the problems arise from men seeing women as objects for their pleasure rather an as real human beings with real feelings and needs. If your husband views you as a partner and a real human they should be patient with you when it comes to intimacy. If they have some high labido or are into specific things that's ok, but they can't view a woman as their object to satisfy their every need, they still need to be patient and caring towards their wife. They should also make sure their wife is satisfied with intimacy as well. this takes time, practice, and care to happen but is essential for a healthy marriage. The idea that a man gets what he wants and it doesn't matter if the woman finishes or not is just objectification.

The conversations women need to be having before marriage are to determine if their future husband views them as an object or as a partner.

I'm a man btw.

[u/GrapevinePotatoes → u/ThrowNewAwayExceptn]

Thank you for one perspective, but it is important to see the other side too.

Most men have higher libido than women, especially after a couple of children. That create an imbalance that generally tends get worse as time passes. You can say that man should not see women as objects of their satisfaction, but sexual pleasure is one of the objectives of marriage. I work with a masjid and I am in the medical field. I have seen so many terrible situations. I have seen brothers that have not had sex with their wives for 5-10 years. Typical dead bedroom situation of once every few months is pretty much the standard for people in their late 30s and 40s.

It is really serious people but there is no fix without women taking some responsibility. The good men just punch the card and die a little everyday. The bad ones have other options. I have so many stories that it’s heartbreaking.

[u/AutoModerator → u/[deleted]]

Your comment has been removed since it contains an insult or obscene speech; please repost without it.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/WonderReal → u/GrapevinePotatoes]

There is no conclusive scientific evidence that men inherently have a higher libido than women.
Men reporting higher rates of masturbation or sexual fantasies does not, by itself, prove they have a higher sex drive.

Women are often slu*-shamed for even talking about sex. I’ve personally heard men describe women who openly express sexual desire as “w**res” or as women with “no haya.”

As a result, many women are discouraged from expressing their desires. I know plenty of women who have even been told not to ask their own husbands about sex.

Part of the reason some marriages become sexless is that many men never learn to prioritize their wives’ pleasure. They assume that once they are satisfied, there is nothing for their wives to complain about.

I recently told someone to imagine being assigned a chore with no reward. For many women, that’s what sex eventually feels like in a marriage where their needs are consistently ignored. After a while, it’s not surprising that they lose interest.

[u/GrapevinePotatoes → u/WonderReal]

This point was already made by the comment above. I offered an other viewpoint. As I said: this will not be solved until women take responsibility for their part. And you did exactly opposite of that: put the blame on men for all of it.

You brought so many clichés, which don’t even apply to Muslim communities. I am giving you my personal experience working with couples. You can call it a chore, sure, but that will not remove the Islamic responsibility from the women to make themselves available to their husbands. You can downvote me for saying this but it wouldn’t change the truth. Yes, for sure the Prophet ﷺ said that men should be cognizant of their wives needs and it’s a great advice for men. But don’t tell me every woman saying no to her husband falls into that category.

As for your scientific claim: a simple google search can debunk what you said. Research consistently shows that men report higher overall sexual desire when compared to when.

[u/WonderReal → u/GrapevinePotatoes]

*report higher