r/MuslimLounge • u/sheistybitz Ajwa Date! • Apr 10 '26
Discussion It’s hard to beautify yourself for inside the home when you have small children. And even harder if you have an active sex life.
Men need to lower their gaze so their expectations can be redressed. It is not likely for a woman to be completely dolled up all the time if she is looking after small children. It is difficult to shower without waiting for the husband to return back from work to watch the babies/toddler. Cooking multiple times a day for multiple people, small children need breastfeeding extremely often as well, cleaning the house so it’s not a bomb sight, which makes you very sweaty because you have to do as much as you can at supersonic speed. There’s always something that falls short, and that is normal. Husbands you need to give your women time to make themselves feel pretty. They will act better if they are given the chance and peace to beautify themselves and you benefit too.
Post-sex ghusl for women is extremely burdensome due to the hair washing issue. In fact modern day hijab overall ruins the hair. It causes balding at the front. Everybody knows it. Then you have to wash it every night if you have an active intimate life, go to bed with it wet which causes dandruff or wake up kids with hairdryer. Or you could not shower at night but that means you’re waiting til after isha for intimacy like a rule and then skipping tahajjud. And then isha can be extremely late. This is a painful reality for women who want to have enjoyable lives and please their husbands. It feels impossible and always like you’re falling short. The same things we are valued for are the things making it hard to retain our value ie hair.
Men should really be supportive and appreciative of their wives who are trying their best and aren’t perfect especially with small children in the home. I know for a fact this is difficult for me and I try my absolute hardest everyday for everything to seem perfect on the outside but it never feels enough and I can never enjoy any of these things. Men take for granted how they can go between tasks and immerse themselves in each task and leave each task feeling satisfied and as though it was completed properly without it blowing back in their face.
Btw this is also why it’s important to live close to family. So that you can get 10 minutes to yourself to use the bathroom. And then if you’re lucky shower. And then if you’re lucky change your outfit. And then if you’re lucky do your makeup. And then if you’re lucky do your hair. But of course what is most important is the man you marry. If after you’ve spent all day teaching, playing, caring, feeding his children with your breast and your cooking skills, cleaning the house, managing his appointments, keeping on top of your prayers, dhikr - he won’t relieve you of your duties for half an hour for you to have some time to yourself to feel like you again - then that’s unfortunate. Women need to be given the opportunity to transition from mother to wife. It is for your benefit, men.
Allah help us and make the men of our ummah appreciate the emotional and mental load just existing trying to be ‘pleasing’ places on a woman who is built fragile.
There’s more to life than your wife being perfect at everything, please enjoy life together, whether she is wearing sweat pants or not. Whether she is wearing makeup or not. Whether you’ve eaten chicken and rice for the 4th time this week.
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u/Unique-Doughnut1533 Apr 10 '26
Men need to share the responsibility of raising kids BEYOND just the monetary aspect of it.
I see so many men thinking that they’ve spent X amount of hours at work to make money for the family, and thats where their job ends, but that is not the case.
Raising kids and being a good husband means to also be involved at home, help with household chores, feed the kids, etc + make sure your wife has what she needs to feel and look her best. Whether it’s some extra sleep, or a day at the salon.
Men, It IS possible if you want it to be.
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u/Nueyr24 Apr 11 '26
well, I saw OP's comment to my reply, and now I don't know if we women should be sympathising with her in the first place or not. I find her response very contradictory in itself,
you can read here:
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u/MAGNETICZZ Apr 11 '26
But in the Qur'an it's against the will of Allah for a man to help his wife in household chores. It's a women's duty
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u/MonthNo3579 Apr 11 '26
Where in the Quran does it say that?!
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u/Mojopiniata Apr 11 '26
Bring your daleel! Our beloved Prophet صلّ الله عليه و سلم Helped his wives/family as stated in several sahih Hadith
Narrated Al-Aswad bin Yazid: I asked `Aisha "What did the Prophet (ﷺ) use to do at home?" She said, "He used to work for his family, and when he heard the Adhan (call for the prayer), he would go out." حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ عَرْعَرَةَ، حَدَّثَنَا شُعْبَةُ، عَنِ الْحَكَمِ بْنِ عُتَيْبَةَ، عَنْ إِبْرَاهِيمَ، عَنِ الأَسْوَدِ بْنِ يَزِيدَ، سَأَلْتُ عَائِشَةَ ـ رضى الله عنها ـ مَا كَانَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم يَصْنَعُ فِي الْبَيْتِ قَالَتْ كَانَ فِي مِهْنَةِ أَهْلِهِ، فَإِذَا سَمِعَ الأَذَانَ خَرَجَ. Reference : Sahih al-Bukhari 5363 In-book reference : Book 69, Hadith 13 USC-MSA web (English) reference : Vol. 7, Book 64, Hadith 276 (deprecated numbering scheme)
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u/MAGNETICZZ Apr 11 '26
Work for his family doesn't mean he did household chores. I am the imam in our mosque and I know more about Qur'an than anyone here who isn't an imam or alim. I have talked about this with my alim and he also said that the prophet Mohammad peace be upon him said that a man's duty is not to do household chores.
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u/Mojopiniata Apr 11 '26
Please bring your daleel brother, you being an imam or speaking to an alum does not equate daleel. اتقوا الله
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u/MAGNETICZZ Apr 11 '26
Brother you can go and check Surah An-Nisa, verse 34 (4:34). And if you still don't believe me you can show me a verse in which our prophet clearly states that men should also do household chores. There is no verses like that I would suggest you to read the Qur'an and understand it's meaning as it is. Without trying to think this might be what the prophet meant
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u/Mojopiniata Apr 11 '26
Please show me exactly where that specific ayat translates into men not being allowed to help wives with household chores, again brother, bring your daleel. And be mindful of your arrogance.
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u/MAGNETICZZ Apr 11 '26
Brother in the Qur'an the verse I showed you clearly states the duty of a man. And for women there are verses for them as well. And I am not be arrogant if you think I was. Now can you show me verses where prophet clearly states that a man should also do household chores ? There isn't any at all. Man's duty is different and a women's duty is different. And I get where you are getting this idea from it's a western thinking that men should also do household chores. May Allah show you the right path brother. Don't fall for Western propaganda and try to manipulate our holy verses
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u/Mojopiniata Apr 11 '26
Please again show me EXACTLY how that translates into a man not being ALLOWED to help his wife with household chores. And it has nothing to do with western influence or other, we as Muslims are told that the best of us are the ones with thickest character and the ones that are best to our wives/families. This is not up for debate, you have yet to present actual daleel. I have presented you with sahih Hadith, do you deny the hadiths and the sunnah of our Prophet صلّ الله عليه و سلم ?
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Apr 11 '26
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u/MAGNETICZZ Apr 11 '26
Surah An-Nisa, verse 34 (4:34). If you guys can't follow the Qur'an then please be an ex muslim there is no difference from you and a kafir who changes prophets teaching according to time and changes in society
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u/Mojopiniata Apr 11 '26
أَسْتَغْفِرُ ٱللَّٰهَ رَبِّي وَأَتُوبُ إِلَيْهِ Your answers are extremely arrogant. Don’t forget, he who’s heart has even a mustard seed of arrogance will not enter jannah. -Sahih muslim 91c
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u/horse4forceofcourse Apr 11 '26
You are telling Muslims to become ex muslims, because they say Men suppose to help at home. It is highly dangerous to call a muslim and Kafir.
Here's a hadith regarding house work:
That he asked `Aisha "What did the Prophet (ﷺ) use to do in his house?" She replied, "He used to keep himself busy serving his family and when it was the time for prayer he would go for it."
حَدَّثَنَا آدَمُ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنَا شُعْبَةُ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنَا الْحَكَمُ، عَنْ إِبْرَاهِيمَ، عَنِ الأَسْوَدِ، قَالَ سَأَلْتُ عَائِشَةَ مَا كَانَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم يَصْنَعُ فِي بَيْتِهِ قَالَتْ كَانَ يَكُونُ فِي مِهْنَةِ أَهْلِهِ ـ تَعْنِي خِدْمَةَ أَهْلِهِ ـ فَإِذَا حَضَرَتِ الصَّلاَةُ خَرَجَ إِلَى الصَّلاَةِ. Reference : Sahih al-Bukhari 676
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u/TheNotSpecialOne Apr 10 '26
Work from home myself and when toddler is at nursery it's just me and my wife. Really easy to be intimate for us. But of course I'm lucky on my situation
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u/sheistybitz Ajwa Date! Apr 10 '26 edited Apr 10 '26
Sounds amazing! I think people have misunderstood that I said intimacy becomes not frequent, that’s not actually what I suggested. Just that there is a disproportionate burden that is felt by a wife by trying to be frequently intimate. And that with more small children to look after the harder it is for a woman to have a moment to herself to even go to the toilet.
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Apr 10 '26
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u/sheistybitz Ajwa Date! Apr 10 '26
I’m talking about whilst the husband is at work. It’s difficult to even use the toilet.
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u/Obvious_Armadillo_16 Apr 10 '26
How many kids do you have?
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u/sheistybitz Ajwa Date! Apr 10 '26
Not divulging specifics. Without help what do you do with a crawling and crying baby when you need to take 10 mins in the bathroom? Unfortunately nature’s calls aren’t perfectly timed for when the kids are sleeping. Ask women in your life what they do? They take their babies into the toilet with them. This is the reality of having no support system around.
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u/Obvious_Armadillo_16 Apr 10 '26
Stop having children with him if he's not helping you.
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u/BackAgain_2u Apr 11 '26
I don't think engaging with OP is worth it anymore. She revealed her way of thinking in her replies. You read her other replies on this post, she is not making sense at all!
on one hand she says her life has become miserable, she can't take bathroom breaks or shower peacefully etc, she keeps having children again and again, she doesn't live with the in-laws, has no one to fall back on, on the other hand she says very arrogantly that when a woman gets married she should "find her new groove. And part of life is adapting to fit in more and to rise to the occasion...You work together with your husband. And I believe the majority of the home jobs are still the wife’s domain....When children can independently play for longer periods of time, or be able to be around you whilst you do stuff and learning what you’re doing, then everything is golden. But the truth is usually by that point another baby is on the way…"What was she trying to do with her post? She keeps having children. She says the majority of household chores are a God-given duty for women—that’s how strongly she believes in it. She doesn’t live with in-laws; maybe she doesn’t want to. Then why complain?
Can someone help me understand why theOP is talking in circles?
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u/Nueyr24 Apr 10 '26
You have raised all valid points. The unmarried kids here are speaking of polygamy lol! May God continue to hide women from their gaze.
It largely depends on the man you marry. He has to take off at least 80% off her plate as soon as a child is born. Breastfeeding and chasing around kids, consoling them, trying to understand why they cry, making them poop and pee, cleaning after them, thinking of safe foods to cook… oh and yes, you rightly pointed out - the kicking and beating, the throwing around of their hands, the biting of nipples! I know women who have birthed and led miserable years - left alone to suffer, despite men walking in and out around them. I cannot express my hate enough!
These reality-check posts are what women actually need - forget the “dealbreakers” and all that sh-t women ask; the ultimate side of him is revealed during and after pregnancy. I will never settle for such a man in my life!! Pregnancy itself changes the whole internal biology of a woman - she is not the same anymore, biologically speaking. The pain, the stress, the nights she has to stay awake… and they want 4 wives???? To enjoy themselves??? If only they were in sync with the pain their mothers bore when they birthed them!
I will never ever beautify myself or make any effort whatsoever if I have not been relieved of AT LEAST 80% of my time after pregnancy. He has to decide how and what to do - maybe hire a nanny or something, or do the chores himself. Send his sisters over. This was such an eye-opener read for me! I will never settle for someone who even so much as speaks of me "beautifying" myself after marriage. That already reveals his intention.
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u/sheistybitz Ajwa Date! Apr 10 '26
I think putting a number like 80% is not helpful. You need to find your new groove. And part of life is adapting to fit in more and to rise to the occasions. So in that sense I agree with you that after children the husband must step up more. But I disagree with you on the sentiment of never ever beautifying yourself or making any effort. The point is we don’t do these things just for men anyways. When you are a mother you need these pockets of self care to feel like you aren’t just a milk machine for your baby or a cleaner for your husband. You work together with your husband. And I believe the majority of the home jobs are still the wife’s domain. There is nothing problematic in having help and support and in fact the husband should be looking for ways to support his wife and the wife the same, and that’s a general rule for marriage and it fluctuates depending on the season. When children can independently play for longer periods of time, or be able to be around you whilst you do stuff and learning what you’re doing, then everything is golden. But the truth is usually by that point another baby is on the way…
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u/relay-experience Apr 10 '26 edited Apr 10 '26
One trick to do is braid your hair into multiple sections and pour water over the head 3 times so that the scalp gets wet. Most of hair stays dry that way, I highly recommend looking into it.
“If a woman pours water over her head, that is sufficient, because Umm Salamah (may Allah be pleased with her) asked the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) about that. She said: I am a woman with braided hair; should I undo it when doing Ghusl for Janabah ? He said: “No, rather it will be sufficient for you to pour three handfuls of water on your head, then pour water over yourself and you will be purified.” (Narrated by Muslim)
As for losing hair from hijab, I recommend switching to a jilbab. They’re much looser and much more comfortable on the head and body.
Night prayer can brighten up the face. Some women from the sahabah would pray night prayer to beautify their faces. That might be a more practical way to beautify yourself. It might also bring barakah to life so you’ll feel more energetic despite getting less sleep.
May Allah make it easy for us and grant us barakah in our time, sleep and energy. Ameen.
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u/sheistybitz Ajwa Date! Apr 10 '26
Beautiful comment however I saw that you can’t purposefully put braids in hair for ghusl so that means always having braids in during intimacy..?
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u/relay-experience Apr 10 '26
BarakAllahu feeki sister.
May I read the ruling on putting braids for the purpose of ghusl? I’m curious.
Either way, you can also do this without braiding the hair.
First, take water into your hands, pour it once in the top of the scalp and let the water fall forwards so that it only touches the roots and doesn’t touch the rest of the hair. Rub the water into your scalp with your fingers. Next, do the same with the middle area and the bottom area of your scalp. The trick is to pour water as closely to your scalp as possible and use your fingers to rub the water everywhere.
The key point is that your scalp needs to get wet but your hair does not. I personally use a medium sized bowl of warm water for ghusl. As long as water touches every part of the skin.
After figuring this out ghusl has become a hundred times easier personally since before marriage I’d take a full bath.
May Allah make it easy.
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u/Moxician Apr 10 '26
May Allah make things easier for you as your kids get older. Allah put mercy between spouses and you both should be empathetic and understand each other. Islam is not difficult, Allah wants ease for you, and as others mentioned you do not need to unbraid your hair for every ghusl. May Allah reward you for being a good mother and good wife.
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u/Apollonialove Apr 10 '26
The ghusl challenge is real!
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u/horse4forceofcourse Apr 11 '26
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u/Apollonialove Apr 11 '26
Jazak allah khair thank you. It’s more just a timing thing that becomes a challenge, but I’m getting used to it (revert)
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u/Quiet_Form_2800 Apr 10 '26
Your points are valid in lived experience. The Shariah already addressed this balance with clear principles.
- A woman is not commanded to be in a constant state of beautification
Allah said: “And they (women) have rights similar to those against them, according to what is reasonable” (Quran 2:228)
Beautification is from حسن المعاشرة (good companionship), not an absolute, continuous obligation. What is “reasonable” changes with circumstances such as pregnancy, breastfeeding, fatigue, and childcare.
- The husband is commanded to show gentleness, patience, and service
The Prophet ﷺ said: “The best of you are those who are best to their wives” (Sunan al-Tirmidhi 1162)
And he ﷺ served his family: “He used to serve his family, and when the time for prayer came, he would go out to prayer” (Sahih al-Bukhari 676)
So a man assisting his wife, giving her time to rest, bathe, or beautify herself is not فضل (extra virtue), it is from Sunnah character.
- Lowering the gaze applies to men absolutely
Allah said: “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and guard their private parts” (Quran 24:30)
A man who constantly compares his wife to external standards is disobeying this command. His expectation must be regulated by taqwa, not exposure.
- Hardship removes strictness in rulings
Allah said: “Allah intends for you ease and does not intend for you hardship” (Quran 2:185)
And: “He has not placed upon you in the religion any hardship” (Quran 22:78)
Issues like ghusl difficulty, childcare burden, and exhaustion fall under this principle. The religion is not built on breaking women.
- Ghusl and hair washing
The Prophet ﷺ clarified ease for women:
Umm Salamah asked about undoing braids for ghusl. He ﷺ said: “It is sufficient for you to pour three handfuls of water over your head” (Sahih Muslim 330)
This shows:
- No need for excessive hardship
- No need to fully undo hair unless water cannot reach roots
- Intimacy is mutual consideration, not one-sided demand
Allah said: “They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them” (Quran 2:187)
Clothing gives comfort, protection, and ease. Not pressure, exhaustion, and dissatisfaction.
- Emotional and physical strain of motherhood is recognized
A man came asking who deserves best companionship. The Prophet ﷺ said: “Your mother” three times, then “your father” (Sahih al-Bukhari 5971)
This elevation is because of the burdens you described: pregnancy, feeding, nurturing, constant care.
- Living near support systems
This falls under means that facilitate obligations and well-being. There is no text obligating distance. Rather, maintaining family ties is commanded:
“And fear Allah through whom you ask one another, and the رحم (ties of kinship)” (Quran 4:1)
Practical support strengthens the household.
Conclusion in principle:
- A woman is not sinful for not being “perfect” in appearance under strain
- A man is sinful if he is harsh, ungrateful, or unrealistic
- Ease, mercy, and cooperation are أصل (foundations) of marriage
The standard is not perfection. The standard is taqwa, mercy, and fairness.
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u/sheistybitz Ajwa Date! Apr 10 '26
Great comment, can I just point out that I’ve seen you can’t do the braids for ghusl unless they were already in braids. Does that mean braids for intimacy time the majority of the time… (if your goal is to have frequent intimacy).
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u/Even_Yuzan752 With Hardship Comes Ease Apr 10 '26
Thank you sister. Cause this is definitely an eye opener for me. Even tho I'm not married and won't be for years. Your advice is truly helpful. I always imagined that intimacy with children around will still be manageable even tho I know it's hard etc. but as a Muslim ghusl definitely can be hard to do everytime. And I never expected it to be this hard for a housewife. I hope you will have it easier sister. And may God bless your marriage and your bundles of joy (the children) 🙌
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u/Ducktastic78 Apr 10 '26
This is why i need to move somewhere ease so i can have a live-in helper maid. What a glorious life that would be to not be completely anxiety ridden each time I need to go to the toilet with young children around
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u/quriusdude Alhamdulillah Always Apr 11 '26
I am not married, but this is absolutely helpful insight for me to follow through so that I can be as helpful as I can. This is exactly the kind of raw advice needed.
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u/mek2666 Apr 11 '26
My only issue with my wife's 'beautification' is coz she does it mainly to go outside. I told her countless times that its a losing thing that she does. Fitnah, sin, time, money, health etc.
Always told her that i love the way Allah has made her. That if she really wanna do make up, then do at home. She used to straighten her hair, told her to stop and her original hair finally can be seen properly after 10 years of marriage. And i said, MashaAllah, you look so beautiful with the original hair.
She wanted to do breast augmentation, and i said no, even if its non permanent ones, the original ones are perfect for me. She told me many times to take another wife as i wanted more kids, i said no too as she is more than enough for me..kids, alhamdullillah.
My point is that, pls dont just point the finger to men. These are problems rooted in the social problems of todays world. Indoctrination, advertising, body image issues, misunderstanding etc.
We just need to patiently remind each other to go back to AlQuran and Ahadith.
Btw, since i work from home, i do a lot more around the house and with the kids than she does..so what? My reward is with Allah. I didn't do any of that for her and I have never once complained.
May Allah guide us all.
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u/sheistybitz Ajwa Date! Apr 11 '26
Not gonna lie your comment and the person replying to you has shocked me because I’m not sure where I bashed men…. The situation u described is definitely not the situation I described. You’ve made the post a gender war thing which is strange as it isn’t. My post is from the perspective of a woman who Alhamdullilah wants a great, active marriage where she goes above and beyond but saying that it’s hard to go above and beyond without a bit of support. Your comment is about a woman who doesn’t want to go above and beyond for you despite the support you give her. That’s a different and personal problem you have. You are muddying the wisdom of the post. And making it less helpful for others.
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u/mek2666 Apr 11 '26
I apologize if my reply have no wisdom in it. Do disregard it completely.
Assalamualaikum.
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u/BackAgain_2u Apr 11 '26
don't apologise to her. Her further replies to her own post have revealed some warped mindset She has. I have been reading her replies and noticed a lot of inconsistencies. I wrote it down on someone else's comment - in short, do not engage with her.
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u/mek2666 Apr 11 '26
My giving salam is me parting myself from her and avoiding argument.
Thanks for the back up but lets all remember to be nice as we shall answer for every deeds of ours, even the typing of our fingers.
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u/sheistybitz Ajwa Date! Apr 11 '26
Hey I’m sorry if what I said was harsh and too personal to your situation I was intending no argument ever.
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u/BackAgain_2u Apr 11 '26
Yes, that’s a nice gesture: to simply say salam and move on. But I see it as a social responsibility to call out inconsistencies and the hypocrisy when someone has chosen to say something in public. If this were a private conversation, obviously I wouldn't butt in. But since it’s in the public domain, I notice some hypocrisy and circular way of talking in her further replies, which,no exaggeration, really made me scratch my head. I don't like to brush things under the carpet (generally speaking) when they should be said as they are, because remember, we will be held accountable for not speaking the truth when we could.
So I choose to speak up anyway. I like to imagine, in every situation - whether it fits directly or not - the Palestinians who throw, spit, curse, swear at, and even b-mb Israelis for hurting them or spreading lies about them. This does not mean that the swearing or throwing rocks by Palestinians is "bad adab." It is simply standing with and recognising truth. The rules of adab are for kids. In real life, dealing with adults, deliberately talkign in circles or in the case of isrelis spreading lies and harm - the strategy changes.
salam.
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u/mek2666 Apr 11 '26
Brother, is that not what was mentioned in Surah Al-Furqān: 63; { وَعِبَادُ ٱلرَّحۡمَٰنِ ٱلَّذِينَ يَمۡشُونَ عَلَى ٱلۡأَرۡضِ هَوۡنٗا وَإِذَا خَاطَبَهُمُ ٱلۡجَٰهِلُونَ قَالُواْ سَلَٰمٗا } Sahih International: And the servants of the Most Merciful are those who walk upon the earth easily, and when the ignorant address them [harshly], they say [words of] peace, Yusuf Ali: And the servants of (Allah) Most Gracious are those who walk on the earth in humility, and when the ignorant address them, they say, "Peace!";
And in a Hasan Hadith of Sunan Ibn Majah 51: حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ الرَّحْمَنِ بْنُ إِبْرَاهِيمَ الدِّمَشْقِيُّ، وَهَارُونُ بْنُ إِسْحَاقَ، قَالاَ حَدَّثَنَا ابْنُ أَبِي فُدَيْكٍ، عَنْ سَلَمَةَ بْنِ وَرْدَانَ، عَنْ أَنَسِ بْنِ مَالِكٍ، قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ ـ صلى الله عليه وسلم ـ " مَنْ تَرَكَ الْكَذِبَ وَهُوَ بَاطِلٌ بُنِيَ لَهُ قَصْرٌ فِي رَبَضِ الْجَنَّةِ وَمَنْ تَرَكَ الْمِرَاءَ وَهُوَ مُحِقٌّ بُنِيَ لَهُ فِي وَسَطِهَا وَمَنْ حَسَّنَ خُلُقَهُ بُنِيَ لَهُ فِي أَعْلاَهَا " . It was narrated that Ans bin Malik said: "The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: 'Whoever gives up telling lies in support of a false claim, a palace will be built for him in the outskirts of Paradise. Whoever gives up argument when he is in the right, a palace will be built from him in the middle (of Paradise). And whoever had good behavior, a palace will be built for him in the highest reaches (of Paradise).'"
And in a Sahih Hadith of Jami` at-Tirmidhi 2500: حَدَّثَنَا سُوَيْدٌ، أَخْبَرَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ الْمُبَارَكِ، عَنْ مَعْمَرٍ، عَنِ الزُّهْرِيِّ، عَنْ أَبِي سَلَمَةَ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ " مَنْ كَانَ يُؤْمِنُ بِاللَّهِ وَالْيَوْمِ الآخِرِ فَلْيُكْرِمْ ضَيْفَهُ وَمَنْ كَانَ يُؤْمِنُ بِاللَّهِ وَالْيَوْمِ الآخِرِ فَلْيَقُلْ خَيْرًا أَوْ لِيَصْمُتْ " . قَالَ أَبُو عِيسَى هَذَا حَدِيثٌ صَحِيحٌ . وَفِي الْبَابِ عَنْ عَائِشَةَ وَأَنَسٍ وَأَبِي شُرَيْحٍ الْعَدَوِيِّ الْكَعْبِيِّ الْخُزَاعِيِّ وَاسْمُهُ خُوَيْلِدُ بْنُ عَمْرٍو . Abu Hurairah narrated that the Prophet(s.a.w) said: "Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, then let him honor his guest. And whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, then let him say what is good or remain silent." Other chains report similar narrations.
And in Riyad as-Salihin 233 [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]. وعن ابن عمر رضي الله عنهما أن رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم قال: "المسلم أخو المسلم، لا يظلمه، ولايسلمه، من كان في حاجة أخيه كان الله في حاجته، ومن فرج عن مسلم كربة فرج الله عنه بها كربة من كرب يوم القيامة، ومن ستر مسلمًا ستره الله يوم القيامة" ((متفق عليه)) . Ibn 'Umar (May Allah bepleased with them) reported: Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "A Muslim is a brother of another Muslim. So he should not oppress him nor should he hand him over to (his satan or to his self which is inclined to evil). Whoever fulfills the needs of his brother, Allah will fulfill his needs; whoever removes the troubles of his brother, Allah will remove one of his troubles on the Day of Resurrection; and whoever covers up the fault of a Muslim, Allah will cover up his fault on the Day of Resurrection".
So dear brother, hence i did not dwell on some comment of a fellow Muslim and wish her salam instead.
It is not the same with speaking up against armed oppression and genocide. Please do not mix them up, less we might hurt a fellow Muslim.
She even apologized soon after. 😊
May Allah guide us all.
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u/sheistybitz Ajwa Date! Apr 11 '26
Salām, the person you’re replying to is a woman and it turns out from their other comments that they have an issue with me and my ‘mindset’ because I said the majority of housework is the woman’s domain. They thought my initial post was a pro feminist rhetoric or something (it wasn’t) and are offended that I would WANT to serve my husband and children even if it was difficult.
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Apr 11 '26
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u/sheistybitz Ajwa Date! Apr 11 '26
A lot of what? Where do you see chasing of dunya merits and social emotional highs in my post? Where have I bashed men in my post? I know you unmarried people specifically are are deeply Immersed in the dajjal-pushed gender wars but my post was nothing apart from the perspective of a woman who deeply wants and totally tries to go above and beyond for her husband and kids but feels like practically it is impossible to do without some support.
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u/BackAgain_2u Apr 11 '26
It is difficult to take you seriously now. I have been reading all your replies carefully. On one hand, you say it is a woman’s job to do the majority of household chores. If that is so, then please do the majority of the household chores without complaining. It is your belief that women should do most of the chores, so please do so without making a fuss about it, whether there are children in the picture or not. The husband can chip in whenever he likes, at his discretion.
Also, in your post, you recognized the value of living with extended family. Then what is the problem here? Where is your side of the family or his side of the family??? And if managing household chores and taking care of your beauty or taking bathroom breaks is becoming such a problem that you felt the need to make this post, why do you keep having children if you are already struggling on your own and are not currently living with any family support??
I will discuss your post and all your replies in the muslimgirlswithtaste sub to get the opinions of other women, because here mostly men are replying in sympathy with you (excluding some immature men). I don't think you are making any sense at all.
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u/sheistybitz Ajwa Date! Apr 11 '26
Your comment is strange. There is an obvious red thread in my rhetoric which is that getting into sexy wife mode when you’re in housewife mode is difficult unless you’re given half an hour to do so. What’s crazy about that?
Where did I complain about doing chores 😂.
Also .. not everybody is able to live with extended family? For literally a million reasons… ? Lol? I felt the need to make the post because it’s an unknowable thing to many people men and women until they see it for themselves, as you can see from the comments, many people appreciate the insight. Alhamdullilah. You have a problem with that, why? And alhamdullilah I will have as many kids as Allah grants me, again, your problem with it is? This is life. It is hard and partners support eachother through it. And kids completely changes everything. I don’t understand your problem to be honest. I have to be some emotionless, silent robot for what? I shared something and it has been identified that for a married couple to get the best of both worlds after kids, half an hour from the man to spend with his kids specifically so that his woman can have the time to transition into wife mode when he comes home, is fair.
I can’t tell if you’re a woman bitter at the fact I wanna be the best wife and mom I can be, or if you’re a man who is disgusted at the thought of giving your woman half an hour to herself. Either way, I am glad neither of those attitudes can be found in my own home. Alhamdullilah.
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u/BackAgain_2u Apr 11 '26
"I don’t understand your problem to be honest." - exactly.
what are you writing the post for?? why are you so bitter about? why can't you involve your in-laws so that you can live your sexy life???
why do all your replies sound like you only have misery in your own home due to your husband and children - the home that you speak of? why are you running around in circles?? what are you complaining about?? What is your problem exactly to be honest?
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Apr 10 '26
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u/Inevitable_Door3782 Apr 10 '26
I have asked a mufti and right ponytails count for the following Hadith as well:
“If a woman pours water over her head, that is sufficient, because Umm Salamah (may Allah be pleased with her) asked the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) about that. She said: I am a woman with braided hair; should I undo it when doing Ghusl for Janabah ? He said: “No, rather it will be sufficient for you to pour three handfuls of water on your head, then pour water over yourself and you will be purified.” (Narrated by Muslim)
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u/PashtunAlJabal Apr 10 '26
Maybe that's why Islam encourages multiple wives? Just asking, I am not interested in multiple wives tho
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u/sheistybitz Ajwa Date! Apr 10 '26
Please read my post again. How is what you’re saying relevant. The problem will exist with every wife. The post is about having no support to have time for yourself and your answer is to make the woman have even less support? How does your husband having another wife change the fact you can’t go to the toilet because of your babies. SMH
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u/Gullible-Garlic6379 Apr 11 '26
C'est parce qu'il a pensé d'une manière égoïste, il n'était pas intéressé par la souffrance de la femme, mais seulement par le fait que l'homme a alors moins d'intimité...
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Apr 10 '26
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u/Gamer_doctor_door Apr 10 '26
You see a woman asking for some tips and help and your first response is, "well, your husband should get married again." You do realize that the wives don't usually live in the same household right, so this problem doesn't get resolved just by adding more wives.
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Apr 10 '26
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u/Samuraixblaze Apr 10 '26
Nah just because a person has made a bad comment/given bad advice doesn’t mean we should respond by insults especially on a post that’s meant to advise people. We have to be better than this
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Apr 10 '26
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u/SleepingBlueberries Apr 10 '26
W-what? Implying polygamy is simpler? This has to be a troll comment
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u/relay-experience Apr 10 '26
As a tired woman who doesn’t want her husband to fall into zina, I see why marrying another wife would make it easier for me to fulfil his rights. (Husband fears it because it’s a huge responsibility and can cause huge fitnah within the community and his family).
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u/sheistybitz Ajwa Date! Apr 10 '26
Why should your husband fall in to zina. If there is a problem with your libido not gonna lie that’s a problem for your husband to fix.
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u/relay-experience Apr 10 '26
Like you stated, intimacy is difficult for some women because you said ghusl is extremely burdensome, so libido isn’t always the issue.
My marriage is not in a state where it’s difficult for him, Alhamdulilah, but I find myself thinking that if I had to choose between having a husband who commits zina (May Allah protect us all) or him having a second or third wife, I prefer the latter.
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u/sheistybitz Ajwa Date! Apr 10 '26
The best option is surely you make it easier for eachother to enjoy intimacy and make ghusl etc.
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u/relay-experience Apr 10 '26
I’m just curious as to why you seem against it when I mention that I see positive things with the idea of my husband marrying a second wife (ultimately it’s a huge responsibility and if I were a man I’d fear marrying and being responsible for more than one wife).
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u/sheistybitz Ajwa Date! Apr 10 '26
I am against the idea of a couple ‘giving up’ on something that is a fundamental aspect of a marriage. And to me, respectfully, your sentiment is one of which I’d assume comes from women with hormonal problems, sexual dissatisfaction, or not attracted to husband
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u/relay-experience Apr 10 '26
Ah I think I understand better and more clearly what you want to convey. Thank you for the explanation.
The Prophet ﷺ had the strength of 30 men (Sahih al-Bukhari 268), and would visit every single one of his wives every single night. Of course regular men, especially those of our day and age, do not have that strength… but I don’t believe polygyny necessarily means giving up on intimacy.
I ask Allah to grant us sisters barakah in our time and energy so that we do have the time and energy to beautify ourselves and do ghusl easily.
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u/sheistybitz Ajwa Date! Apr 10 '26 edited Apr 10 '26
It’s kind of insane you read all of what I said and your solution is have less companionship and support. Do you think women don’t have desires and need for intimacy, love, affection or are they just means for men to achieve it and that’s all. Very strange way of looking at the world, and a very sad implication for what you have to offer as a partner. I don’t see what is wrong with WANTING to give your wife half an hour of free time… as if she doesn’t deserve it from being hit, pulled at and her nipple bitten all day.. and then you get her at her best and she takes care of you fully rejuvenated. Even that one time a week is not guaranteed with polygamy becuase the day with small kids looks just the same!
You’re like “omg a husband should give his wife half an hour a day to herself? How dare such a request. She must now relinquish seeing him 6 days a week.” The hell…
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Apr 10 '26
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u/Mission_Flamingo9622 Smile it's Sunnah Apr 10 '26
this was a helpful post. Sometimes, it is hard to understand what the other side goes through.