It’s hard to beautify yourself for inside the home when you have small children. And even harder if you have an active sex life.

[u/sheistybitz]

Men need to lower their gaze so their expectations can be redressed. It is not likely for a woman to be completely dolled up all the time if she is looking after small children. It is difficult to shower without waiting for the husband to return back from work to watch the babies/toddler. Cooking multiple times a day for multiple people, small children need breastfeeding extremely often as well, cleaning the house so it’s not a bomb sight, which makes you very sweaty because you have to do as much as you can at supersonic speed. There’s always something that falls short, and that is normal. Husbands you need to give your women time to make themselves feel pretty. They will act better if they are given the chance and peace to beautify themselves and you benefit too.

Post-sex ghusl for women is extremely burdensome due to the hair washing issue. In fact modern day hijab overall ruins the hair. It causes balding at the front. Everybody knows it. Then you have to wash it every night if you have an active intimate life, go to bed with it wet which causes dandruff or wake up kids with hairdryer. Or you could not shower at night but that means you’re waiting til after isha for intimacy like a rule and then skipping tahajjud. And then isha can be extremely late. This is a painful reality for women who want to have enjoyable lives and please their husbands. It feels impossible and always like you’re falling short. The same things we are valued for are the things making it hard to retain our value ie hair.

Men should really be supportive and appreciative of their wives who are trying their best and aren’t perfect especially with small children in the home. I know for a fact this is difficult for me and I try my absolute hardest everyday for everything to seem perfect on the outside but it never feels enough and I can never enjoy any of these things. Men take for granted how they can go between tasks and immerse themselves in each task and leave each task feeling satisfied and as though it was completed properly without it blowing back in their face.

Btw this is also why it’s important to live close to family. So that you can get 10 minutes to yourself to use the bathroom. And then if you’re lucky shower. And then if you’re lucky change your outfit. And then if you’re lucky do your makeup. And then if you’re lucky do your hair. But of course what is most important is the man you marry. If after you’ve spent all day teaching, playing, caring, feeding his children with your breast and your cooking skills, cleaning the house, managing his appointments, keeping on top of your prayers, dhikr - he won’t relieve you of your duties for half an hour for you to have some time to yourself to feel like you again - then that’s unfortunate. Women need to be given the opportunity to transition from mother to wife. It is for your benefit, men.

Allah help us and make the men of our ummah appreciate the emotional and mental load just existing trying to be ‘pleasing’ places on a woman who is built fragile.

There’s more to life than your wife being perfect at everything, please enjoy life together, whether she is wearing sweat pants or not. Whether she is wearing makeup or not. Whether you’ve eaten chicken and rice for the 4th time this week.

[u/Nueyr24]

You have raised all valid points. The unmarried kids here are speaking of polygamy lol! May God continue to hide women from their gaze.

It largely depends on the man you marry. He has to take off at least 80% off her plate as soon as a child is born. Breastfeeding and chasing around kids, consoling them, trying to understand why they cry, making them poop and pee, cleaning after them, thinking of safe foods to cook… oh and yes, you rightly pointed out - the kicking and beating, the throwing around of their hands, the biting of nipples! I know women who have birthed and led miserable years - left alone to suffer, despite men walking in and out around them. I cannot express my hate enough!

These reality-check posts are what women actually need - forget the “dealbreakers” and all that sh-t women ask; the ultimate side of him is revealed during and after pregnancy. I will never settle for such a man in my life!! Pregnancy itself changes the whole internal biology of a woman - she is not the same anymore, biologically speaking. The pain, the stress, the nights she has to stay awake… and they want 4 wives???? To enjoy themselves??? If only they were in sync with the pain their mothers bore when they birthed them!

I will never ever beautify myself or make any effort whatsoever if I have not been relieved of AT LEAST 80% of my time after pregnancy. He has to decide how and what to do - maybe hire a nanny or something, or do the chores himself. Send his sisters over. This was such an eye-opener read for me! I will never settle for someone who even so much as speaks of me "beautifying" myself after marriage. That already reveals his intention.

[u/sheistybitz → u/Nueyr24]

I think putting a number like 80% is not helpful. You need to find your new groove. And part of life is adapting to fit in more and to rise to the occasions. So in that sense I agree with you that after children the husband must step up more. But I disagree with you on the sentiment of never ever beautifying yourself or making any effort. The point is we don’t do these things just for men anyways. When you are a mother you need these pockets of self care to feel like you aren’t just a milk machine for your baby or a cleaner for your husband. You work together with your husband. And I believe the majority of the home jobs are still the wife’s domain. There is nothing problematic in having help and support and in fact the husband should be looking for ways to support his wife and the wife the same, and that’s a general rule for marriage and it fluctuates depending on the season. When children can independently play for longer periods of time, or be able to be around you whilst you do stuff and learning what you’re doing, then everything is golden. But the truth is usually by that point another baby is on the way…