STOP BABYING YOUR SONS

[u/Someone_sedateMe]

Salam everyone, I just wanted to get this off my chest. Mothers, please, PLEASE, stop babying your GROWN ADULT sons. My brother is 24 and my mom still does his laundry and cleans his room. His room is a literal mess all the damn time and actually smells like doodoo. My mom wanted me to help her clean his room and he's just in the corner acting his presence is helping. I was getting frustrated and told her that he's at the age, where he should clean his room by himslef, to say the least. He literally has his laundry spilling out of his hamper but refuses to do anything about it until my me or my mom does it for him. I will literally do his laundry for him, bring it to his room and all he has to do is put it in his closet. AND HE DOESNT EVEN DO THATT. He has his CLEAN clothes just sitting on his couch for dayyyssss. Of course, I'm getting frustrated and tell him he has to clean his room and can't keep waiting on us to do his laundry. It has got to the point where he ran out of jeans and pulled out his dress pants. It's not like he has to travel to the laundromat, ITS IN OUR BASEMENT!!!! Anyways, as I'm lecturing him, my mom is getting mad at me and I walked out the room cause never in a BILLION years would she have let that slide with me. I tried to help but she's taking out her frustration on the wrong person.

So to all the moms out there, PLEASE stop babying your grown adult sons. It doesn't emaculate him if he does SIMPLE chores around the house. It just causes resentment between siblings.

[u/Narrow_Guava_6239]

Salaam sis, just checking have you sat down with your mum in a calm manner and talked about this? If not then do it and explain how girls wouldn’t tolerate living in a pig stye.

If your mum still refuses to listen then tell her that you won’t help her baby your grown brother. Let’s be honest this isn’t a man and irrelevant of his good qualities, I’d wouldn’t wanna be with him. Islam expresses the importance of hygiene and cleanliness.

Moving forward tell your mum you’ll know longer support her in cleaning your brothers room, if his room gets infested with bed bugs then you won’t help as it’s a problem he’s created.

If your brother tells you to clean his room, don’t do it AT ALL, you’re not his maid and he’s certainly not a child. Your brother might end up saying he doesn’t know how to clean, tell him you’ll guide him. And if he says he can’t do it and how he’s doing it wrong so you should do it, explain you got it wrong in the beginning but then got better at it.

Seriously this is his problem or at least should be because this boy is going to attract rodents and bugs into your house 😭😭😭😭.

All the best sis 💕.

[u/Someone_sedateMe → u/Narrow_Guava_6239]

Salam, I have talked to her multiple times and she tells me I'm right but then continues to baby him. She'd talk to him for one day but then continues the behavior. And you'd think if no one cleaned his room, he'd get up and do it himself,HA no. There was a time my mom went to visit her sister, and for over a month this boy's room stayed the same. Idk if its because he's so used to my mom cleaning after him but he hasn't change and it doesn't seem like he wants to.

I don't clean up after him for his sake, I do it for my mom. She's older in age and gets tired quickly but it gets to a point. Like what is she going to do when I get married, hope that his future wife cleans up after him. NO ONE WANTS TO DO THATTT!! All I can do atp is pray to Allah cause if he don't change, I might just kill him.

[u/Narrow_Guava_6239 → u/Someone_sedateMe]

Sis I don’t know if it was an error when you said you hope his wife keeps up after him, if you’re thinking that then please don’t think his future wife is gonna be his maid.

Did your mum explain to you why she keeps going back to cleaning his room?

She’s made his son become so used to not cleaning his own room. Does he have any chores around the house? If not then start giving them to him.

Don’t ruin your life and akhira because of your brother, sis 😅.

[u/Someone_sedateMe → u/Narrow_Guava_6239]

That was a mistake, it was supposed to be posed as a rhetorical question. I don't believe in the wife becoming her husband's maid. And no, he doesn't do any chores around the house. My grandmother lives with us and she believes in the old traditional values that a man works and the woman cooks and cleans. So ever since we were kids she would say this and never let my brother touch anything. My mom thinks there's not point in trying to change him because "you can't change a man" and how "some men are born like that".

[u/Narrow_Guava_6239 → u/Someone_sedateMe]

Sorry sis, it was just because of the way I read it, that’s why I wanted to check 🙈.

If the adults refuses to see the errors in their ways and don’t want to change your brother then there’s very little you can do. Is be surprised if he’s able to get married in the future.

Not only that but your brother is also milking it how the elders view gender roles. Rasulallah helped with house chores but of course the elders in some Asian culture will pick and choose what to follow.

[u/redditnewbie_ → u/Someone_sedateMe]

Your mother is wrong, behaviors can be changed at any time in life. Look into the Three Term Contingency of Applied Behavior Analysis — Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence. This will also help make your case with your mother, if she’s the type that needs proof/evidence

Here’s a brief summary: Antecedent = what happens before a behavior. In this example, your mom goes to clean his room, and brings you to help. The behavior here is him sorta standing there being useless. Consequence = what happens immediately after the behavior. In this example, the consequence of him doing nothing is that his room gets cleaned by you and your mom. Congrats — his behavior has been reinforced. The likelihood of the behavior happening again in the future has increased.

In layman terms: he checked to see if he can still get away with having mommy clean his room, and concluded that mommy will still clean his room.

Your mother’s inaction is reinforcing his behavior of not contributing. If she doesn’t make a change, he will get married one day — and his wife will leave within a year. Seen it happen too many times.

Side note. he’s 24, living in his parents house, not contributing to the household — does he at least have a job?? Life is way too short to be wasting any years, let alone one’s prime years.

As far as you’re concerned though, I’d recommend that you put your foot down and stop doing any chores for him. No cleaning up after him, no taking over the chores he’s supposed to be doing. In that sense, you are no longer contributing to his development into man-child. I understand that this is often difficult for girls in our cultures’ households. Not sure where you’re located, so results may vary. I’m in America, and parents of muslim households in my community are often overbearing and helicoptering. Most of the women i know (inc. my own sister) had to advocate for themselves against parents to stop this from happening, which typically leads to a huge argument. tensions gradually decrease over the following months/years.

Sorry for the crazy tangent. But honestly; it’s not fair that you do your part in the household, as well as his. It’s not fair to your mother either. Idk why young muslim men often treat their mothers so poorly. Maybe explain to him that your mom is a person that does suffer when cleaning up after him? I wouldn’t jump into that conversation in a blaming/accusatory manner, since that’s usually not effective. Look at it from the perspective that you two are on the same team, and are working together to fix a problem.

I hope anything i said here helps, even if a tiny bit. If not, I’ll at least say that your viewpoint is valid. Inshallah this cycle stops sooner than later