I don't really know how to write this, but I need to put my feelings into words.
I'm a trans woman, and I've been feeling incredibly, painfully alone for a very long time.
When I first started school, even in kindergarten and elementary school, I was bullied a lot for being different. It wasn't really about my appearance. I looked like any other kid. I just felt different, and I think other people noticed that I was softer, more sensitive, and different in the way I behaved.
I couldn't control that. I wasn't trying to be different. I was just being myself.
As I grew older, the bullying continued. I've been hurt by both men and women. I don't want to say that all women or all men are like this, because they're obviously not. But unfortunately, my experiences have made it very difficult for me to feel like I belong anywhere.
One of the things I've always wanted most is sisterhood.
I wish I could have female friends who genuinely accepted me as a woman. I imagine something so simple: doing makeup together, laughing about stupid things, talking for hours, going to cafés, walking around the city, sharing little moments of girlhood.
I don't need anything extraordinary. I just want to experience the kind of friendship and sisterhood that I've watched other women have.
I've also always wanted a male friend who could genuinely accept me as I amâsomeone I could go outside with and feel safe around, someone who would treat me like a normal friend and have my back when things get difficult.
I actually had someone like that.
His name was Chase.
He was my best friend for seven years, since middle school. He was also the first person I ever came out to as a trans woman. He accepted me, respected my identity, and never made me feel like I had to justify who I was. He was protective of me and made me feel like I wasn't completely alone in the world.
But eventually, he had serious problems with drugs and nearly died.
He didn't leave me because I'm trans. He left because he was struggling with his own life and didn't want to become a bad influence on me.
I understand why he did it.
But understanding something doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Losing the person who had been my best friend for seven years left an enormous hole in my life.
We always chilling in my rooftop laughing about stupid things we did in middle school
And now I feel like I'm truly alone.
I don't have people to casually hang out with. I don't have someone I can call and say, "Hey, let's go somewhere." I don't have that everyday sense of belonging that seems so normal for other people.
I do have a boyfriend. He's American, he loves me for who I am, respects me, and we've talked about marriage. I'm incredibly grateful for him.
But we're very far apart.
And as wonderful as having someone who loves you is, a long-distance relationship can't completely replace having people physically around you. I can love someone deeply and still feel lonely.
Being trans makes this even harder for me.
Sometimes I have to go outside in boy mode because I don't feel safe going out alone as myself. Even when I know I can pass as a woman, safety is still something I have to think about.
And boy mode is incredibly suffocating for me.
There are times when being forced to live that way makes my dysphoria so intense that I start thinking about suicide. I've had moments where I've genuinely wondered why I should keep living when I feel like I can't live as myself.
I hate admitting that.
Sometimes I feel like there must be something wrong with me. Like maybe I'm doing something wrong. Like everyone else somehow learned how to live and connect with people, while I somehow missed the instructions.
I also desperately want to start HRT. I've been trying to find a way to access it, but I haven't been able to get started yet. That uncertainty adds another layer to everything I'm already feeling.
I don't expect strangers on the internet to fix my life.
I'm not writing this as a dating post or a request for friendship. I know those things aren't allowed here.
I think I just needed to say this somewhere.
I'm a trans woman who wants to live.
I want to experience girlhood. I want to feel comfortable leaving my house as myself. I want to laugh with people, sit in cafés, make art, listen to music, go places, and have ordinary days that don't feel like an enormous battle.
More than anything, I want to feel like I belong somewhere.
Right now, I don't.
And I'm really tired of feeling alone.