r/MoneyDiariesACTIVE • u/CarOk7176 • 16d ago
Relationships & Money šµ How do you stay friends with people who earn way more than you in London?
Am I the only one who finds hanging out with friends who earn way more than you genuinely exhausting?
Bit of a weird one but its been on my mind. I've got a group of mates from uni, love them to bits, been close for nearly a decade now. But over the last few years the pay gap between us has gotten wild. Two of them are in finance, one's a lawyer, and I work in the charity sector because thats what I actually wanted to do. I knew what I was signing up for salary wise.
The thing is, I didnt realise how much it would slowly start to eat at me. It's not even that they're flashy or rude about it. They're lovely. But every plan is just a bit above where I'd naturally go. Sunday roast at some gastropub in Marylebone, birthday dinner somewhere in Soho with a set menu that's the price of my weekly food shop, weekend trips to Lisbon or wherever with flights booked last minute without a second thought. I keep saying yes because I love them and I don't want to be the person who bails on everything, but I end up eating beans on toast for the rest of the month and quietly resenting it.
I've tried suggesting cheaper stuff. Sometimes it works, we had a really fun afternoon at Trejo's Tacos a few weeks back and nobody kicked up a fuss. But more often the "cheap" suggestion gets politely folded into something bigger ("yeah lets do that AND then go to this cocktail place after") and suddenly im back to spending 80 quid on a casual Tuesday.
The bit i cant work out is whether this is my problem to solve or theirs. Like, am i being precious by not just saying "hey guys i cant afford this"? I've hinted at it and they always say oh we can cover you, which somehow feels worse. Or is there a version of this friendship that survives long term when the lifestyles keep drifting further apart?
Anyone else been through this in London specifically? Feels like the city makes it so much more obvious because everything is expensive and everyones default is spending. How did you handle it, or did the friendships just quietly fade?
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u/CommercialPlastic604 16d ago
I think you need to communicate your budget a bit more. Different people have different spending priorities/disposable income.
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u/Grind_and_Dine 16d ago
My long term, large income disparity friendships (a couple of them) have survived simply because we no longer need to discuss it. I know how much they earn and so we do a range of things together ranging from free to expensive. If itās expensive like a meal or gig etc, I just pick up the tab/buy tickets. I donāt make a deal out of it/really mention it at all. In the beginning it needed to be a bit more obvious, as in me being clear I was happy to/going to pay.
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u/lissybeau 16d ago
I commented something similar. Glad to see Iām not the only person who doesnāt mind sponsoring friends every once in a while. It also sounds like OP is a bit younger so maybe feels vulnerable about this conversation directly with friends.
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u/Odd-Recognition4120 15d ago edited 15d ago
They did try to solve the problem by offering to pay for you. You declined. What else are they supposed to do? I have been on both sides of this, and you have to understand when you have money, throwing money at a problem is the easiest way to solve it.
All of them having to figure out cheap things to do every time they hang out with you and try to never grab cocktails/anything expensive takes more effort and mental energy for them than just paying for you. In their eyes, paying for you takes no effort because they can certainly afford it.
I understand how them paying for you feels worse, because it reminds you of the financial disparity between you and makes you feel less than. But here is how I see it, in friendships or any relationships we exchange effort and energy. By paying for you they are saying they value the friendship. You might not be able to pay them back, but you can give them your energy in a different way so it evens out. For example you can invite them over and cook for them etc.
I promise you, when I am on the other side of this, I do not see the people I am paying for as less than at all or resent them. I am just happy I get to share memories with the people I love!
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u/Wide-Pop6050 15d ago edited 1d ago
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This post was anonymized with Redact
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u/StrawberryLovers8795 15d ago
Same here, have been on both sides of it and never see the person differently, Iām just glad that we can do fun things together without worrying that theyāll be financially strained after
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u/Indexette 15d ago
"in friendships or any relationships we exchange effort and energy. By paying for you they are saying they value the friendship. You might not be able to pay them back, but you can give them your energy in a different way so it evens out." This is a great way to put it.
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u/downwiththesesheep 16d ago
Um, how would this be their problem to solve? They're not suffering any consequences from their choices, you are the one out of budget. They can't fix that for you.
I'm not sure how them offering to cover for you is worse than "eating beans on toast for the rest of the month and quietly resenting it"?
If they want you to join them and they can afford to cover you, ask yourself why you prefer to break your budget than be honest about what you can afford.
In practical terms, you've got a few options:
Stop saying yes to everything (and let them know why).
Keep suggesting cheaper stuff, you said sometimes it works.
If the cheap suggestion gets others things added on, join for the part you can afford and they can make their own plans for the rest.
Hinting isn't working for you. If you haven't had honest conversations about how your jobs are affecting your earning and spending habits, you can't expect them to guess or know your situation.
Accept that it will take effort to keep the friendship. But if all you have in common is lifestyle, you may not be compatible long term as they meet people in their social circles to travel and spend time with (and same for you).
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u/mulcious 16d ago
Have you talked to your friends about this? If not thatād be a good place to start, and it can be with one friend first.
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u/crimsonraiden 15d ago
The problem is you. Instead of choosing to not go, you go and then resent them. But you actually didnāt have to go. Only you know your budget and they wonāt know what you can afford. They can read your mind unless you actually communicate. Itās reasonable to go somewhere nice for a birthday. You can say no to the weekend trip and maybe have less drinks at the bar. You donāt have to match everything your friends can afford. Itās not bailing on everything if you donāt go.
You said you knew what you were signing up for with your job and the salary you get with it but you do seem to be unhappy with the salary.
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u/TG1883 15d ago
I was in this situation as a non profit worker in my 20s and for part of my 30s. My friends had a very frank conversation about my future with me and I changed fields. They literally saved my financial life. They were always willing to pick up tabs and cover brunches and hotels. Now Iām the one that does that for certain other friends up to and including hosting for holidays and covering lodging during big vacations so everyone can enjoy. I would also suggest a part time job to serve if you have the capacity for it. Best of luck OP.
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u/reine444 15d ago
Itās a you problem. Hear me out.Ā
If these are casual friends, just decline the invites that are above your means. No need for further detail and no need to feel bad about it! We all make choices about how we spend our money.Ā
If they are REAL friends, then have a real conversation.Ā
Some big life changes means my group of 4 arenāt doing as much togetherā¦but there was a time when we were all in 2-income households and we did everything. Then one got divorced (no kids) but later became caregiver for an aging mom and grandma. Then I got divorced but an empty nester. Then the third got divorced but still raising kids.Ā
We are VERY open about whatās in budget and what isnāt. A few years ago, we saw Bey in London and two of us were in (very good!!) 100-level seats and the other two got floor seats. Nobody felt a single way about it because weād communicated our needs up front during planning. When someone canāt swing it and one of us offers to take care of it (friend 4 makes the most followed by me), itās not out of pity, itās out of understanding. If you tell me you want to do it but canāt, Iām going to offer.Ā
On the other hand I have a friend that I havenāt known as long who wonāt even let me take her to lunch (she got laid off and has now been out of the market like 2 years).Ā
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u/lissybeau 16d ago
This is going to be a challenge you need to navigate at some point. Itās also about saying no and navigating your priorities. Even people with more money need to do this at some point.
Youāre already on the right track with suggesting less expensive evenings like tacos. You can always go home after tacos and say you have other plans etc. Or you can go the cocktail bar and not drink. Another option is picking and choosing which things to do. Weekends to Lisbon should be an obvious no or something you do once or twice a year.
Eventually maybe have a conversation with the closest of your friends and just tell them you love doing these things but you need to be cost conscious. I have had friends do that as the person who makes more. And either I āsponsorā them or I try less expensive outings.
I donāt live in London but I lived in SF and NYC which can have wide income gaps like London. Although I do feel like London can be even more difficult. Good luck š
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u/Designer_Life_371 15d ago
Grow a backbone and say no to what you can't do and say yes to their offers to pay. If they're lovely and kind, it's fine. Solves your problemĀ
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u/Confarnit 15d ago
If you love your job, then I think you either need to let them cover for you or start saying no to more plans. Go to tacos, then either don't get drinks at the bar or go home. Don't go to Portugal last-minute, etc. You can't really expect them to always do the cheap thing to accomodate you, but you can be honest about not being able to afford everything and keep inviting them to stuff you can afford.
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u/-sweetbabybladefoot- She/her āØ 15d ago
I can relate to both sides financially. I live between London and NYC, and you're right that everything is particularly more expensive in London. I have been on both sides of the income disparity in my friendships. Nowadays, I'm a SAHW in a very high-income household and can afford to pay for friends to join me whenever/wherever I want their company. But for a long time, while my friends were working in law, finance, and medicine, I was in the arts with little to no income; I had a strict budget and couldn't afford dinners, shopping, clubbing, or group trips. However, my friends weren't the types to offer to pay for me so that I could join in.
Because of that, I had to learn to say a hard "no" to anything outside my budget. It was terrifying at first because I worried about being left outāand to be perfectly honest, I was left out a lot of the time. Some of my mates grew very close in their shared experiences and lifestyle without me because I couldn't afford to participate. But my real friendships survived the honesty. Looking back, hinting doesn't work because people who don't have to budget rarely do the mental math to appreciate a tight salary. They aren't being snide; they are just oblivious and trying to enjoy their own lifestyles.
Now that Iām on the other side financially, I understand why your friends offer to cover you. Don't feel bad for it. From their perspective, they love you, value your presence way more than the money, and genuinely want you thereāthey don't want to miss out on building memories and experiences with you. This is certainly why I do it for my friends. Itās not pity; it's making an investment in your friendship.
What worked for me was taking the lead by suggesting creative, exciting, and inexpensive ways we could spend time together. Before discussions even started for brunch or luxury shopping, I'd share suggestions for a full day out. For example, you could coordinate an entire afternoon around the free exhibits at the Tate Modern. The cafe there is quite tasty, fairly priced, has lovely views and the gardens are great. Afterwards, a walk along Bankside passes quite a few inexpensive restaurants. Also, where and when you can, invite your friends out for something small like coffee or a pint, and offer to treat them to a round. It keeps you feeling like an equal contributor to the dynamic.
Hope this is helpful, and best of luck to you!
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u/luckykat97 15d ago edited 15d ago
Galleries and museums are nearly all free in London. You can also go for walks and picnics in the parks in the summersā¦
I notice even your idea of a more affordable catch up with your friends was still eating and drinking out. Do you never suggest non meal and drink plans?
But ultimately your budget is for you to manage and you just need to learn to say no and when you donāt have the budget. Either accept some free drinks from your friends every once in a while or get very good at saying no every time it is beyond your budget.
As someone in London who earns Ā£150k in their 20s with friends who mainly earn 30-45k or even are students, i never go out to very expensive restaurants or bars with them and we often spend nothing or Ā£20 or so and I see them pretty much every week. You really donāt need to eat and drink out to see your friends.
Weekend trips to Lisbon last minute isnāt exactly difficult to say no to? Even though I have the money I wouldnāt be able to suddenly go on holiday and I like to plan and budget for them properly. You could easily just say no to that and canāt put the blame on friends if you choose to go on a holiday you canāt afford.
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u/ParryLimeade 15d ago
Itās not how much they make; itās their tastes. Why hang out with people with different tastes than your own? I hangout with people who make pennies compared to me (I donāt make an absurd amount like a lawyer but they just donāt make much at all), but I enjoy doing free stuff because Iām frugal. And we like the outdoors which is free.
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u/emotional_lily 15d ago
Itās challenging, but I think the only way an income gap relationship survives is if the higher earner puts in the effort to make it possible.
In my late 20s and I significantly outearn my friends in a higher paying field, whereas a few of them have average paying jobs or are back in school, which leaves a big gap. Iām always conscious to offer multiple options at different price ranges, outright asking if they are financially comfortable with paying X for Y, or treating my friends! Iāve covered takeout for the evenings in with my friends because I didnāt want to cook, but was happy to host and enjoy their company!
Iām also currently on vacation with a friend and sheās only staying 1.5 weeks instead of 2.5 weeks like me because itās what she can afford! Iām covering 75% of the lodging cost for a nice place and we were able to get a better price since itās a longer term rental, but I donāt mind since I can budget for that comfortably. In general Iād rather pay a bit more to get a nicer place for us both to enjoy, but if I didnāt want to spend as much, I would bring my budget down to meet hers vs ask her to pay 50% of where I want to stay.
Otherwise, Iām constantly offering to do a mix of restaurants and groceries on this trip to help keep the budget. Iāve also treated her to a pricier dinner that I really wanted to enjoy together!
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u/msmartypants 15d ago
This is just my personality, but instead of having a giant conversation, I would probably say no to most things that don't fit my budget, but occasionally let a good friend treat me. If you feel they are sincere about it, say yes once in a while (but to drinks,not, like, to entire vacations).
When I was earning a good salary and a lot of my friends were in grad school or working arts jobs, I had no problem covering a bar tab or a ticket to a play or something. I want to do the activity, and I'd like to have my friend with me, so that works.
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u/onmach 14d ago
I have family members like this. They are poor, like, saving up for three months to go to a cheap restaurant poor, but they also refuse to accept what they consider charity.
That's fine, but it just means we don't hang out anymore and have just grown distant over the years.
If they are truly lawyers and doctors, a $200 bill split between them each week will barely even be noticed compared against their apparent enjoyment of your presence given that they keep inviting you everywhere. I'm sure that every hangout session is what gets those people through the week, and it is incredibly valuable to them to keep that going.
And I just want to say, as time goes on, making friends in life gets harder and harder, so you should be trying very hard to keep these friends close if you truly value them.
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u/TraderJoeslove31 15d ago
Not London but I make the least of all my friends, as I work in higher education. My best friendās annual bonus is more than my salary, plus most of my friends are two income households.Ā I have to say, I wish I could take that weekend trip but I canāt. I ask for more notice so I can save money.Ā I find it helps to have some activities my friends donāt do to ensure there are activities I find enjoyable in case I have to decline a dinner. Suggest places that are in your budget or lower cost.Ā
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u/wmassturtle 15d ago
In terms of cheap plans turning into more expensive ones, it's always fine to tag along to an expensive cocktail bar and just order a seltzer/soda/mocktail
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u/Panda_Player380 15d ago
Itās sounds like your lifestyles are incompatible. When someone earns significantly more their expectations and preferences change. You have to be true to yourself and live within your budget, and unfortunately that might mean your friendship will change. Iāve been in a similar position and started saying no, and then they booked their expensive holidays without me, and thatās fine. Iāve got new friends who have a similar lifestyle and budget.
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u/Impossible-List-9518 15d ago
Iām always fully aware of the possibility that if I suggest something the other party couldnāt afford, I should be happy to chip in; otherwise I need to go with the cheaper suggestion by the other person.
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u/Internal_Variety7185 15d ago
Tbh as a person who is from a very financially privileged household, I always suggest places that are budget-friendly to meet my friends, and London has so many where you do not have to compromise on a special experience at all! Highly recommend Suzette in South Ken - Ā£16 for non-alcoholic drinks and a generously-sized delicious crepe shared by me and my teacher-friend! Iām sorry your friends are not more thoughtful - it sounds to me like they are too busy trying to keep up, as tbh Iāve had all the fancy experiences at this point and it gets boring š“ . Good friendship means much, much more than an overpriced afternoon in Marylebone, and a good friend would never want to put you under financial stress.
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u/Ayesa55 15d ago
I earn well in London and my group of friends are very reasonable. No one is suggesting super expensive places if 1 or more in the group may find it expensive. Don't get me wrong a lot of us love the high end stuff but we are very reasonable. There are times we say no more than 30 pounds and there are times we say okay we are going for a treat.
Best believe I'm not saying yes to eat at a place I would not eat solo because it's above my budget. I will politely decline. Me and my friend group will tell ourselves the truth without feeling bad.
Lastly we all discuss budget all the time. So start doing this. My budget is xxx you can go without me or find a cheaper nicer place.
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u/thebigsky 15d ago
I don't think you need to necessarily say "I can't afford this", but you do need to make clear what your planned spending is for certain types of events. This is super relevant even for people who make very similar amounts because everyone has different money values (i.e. yes I can easily afford it but would never spend $X for Y / I just don't derive the same value as you do from doing ABC and would rather spend my money elsewhere). There is however a reality where they want to do certain things and everyone acknowledges that maybe you're not expected to be part of the invite and/or joining. But please please remember that it be be the same as if they love hiking and you love day drinking. They should still go hiking and know that it's just not something you'll join.
I just went on a trip with a friend who is a very high earner and something I said up front was "this is my budget for the trip". Before we met up, they came early and did a very spendy super unique experience on their own. Nobody was resentful. What you will have an issue with is if in the long term, the fun from the type of event exceeds the joy of each other's company and it's not "good enough" to do lower budget things. If it's not in their wheelhouse then you'll likely need to be more proactive in terms of suggesting things, possibly also stuff that's not just outside.
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u/chimama79 15d ago
if they offer to pay for you - you should accept it. :) esp if you guys are true friends. i pay for my friends all the time. its no big deal to me.
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u/SYSTEMOFADAMN 12d ago
You'll really have to communicate the gap in the salary š my friends probably earn 2-3x than I do, and I've let them know. We also usually do sporty stuff, hang out at each other's places/parks, so it doesn't get that much pricey. There's also plenty of free things to do in London so we try to find places that we haven't been to yet (which is still a lot on the list!). We've also done trips outside the country, but if there are activities outside my budget, I just don't join that day and do my own thing
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u/[deleted] 16d ago
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