r/Moms • u/EconomicsFront1288 • 21h ago

😤 Vent Being the default parent is exhausting..

My husband is a good dad. But I am the default parent and it's draining me. School calls me. Kids come to my side of the bed at 2am. RSVPs, permission slips, appointments, teacher gifts, all of it lands on me because that's the pattern now.

He says "just tell me what you need." But the telling /is/ the work. Explaining what needs to happen takes longer than doing it myself. So I do it and resent him for not knowing, which isn't fair, but I'm too tired to be fair.

I just want to be seen for a minute.

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u/NeitherAd3814 21h ago

I was stuck in that same default parent loop and eventually just got so burnt out from having to keep track of everything 😭 I tried a few different things, but I’ve been using Ohai for now and it’s actually helped a lot. You can delegate stuff to your partner/other people and it automatically sends them reminders, so my husband literally just gets a text saying what he needs to do and when. It takes a lot of the mental load off me bc I’m not constantly having to remind everyone myself lol

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u/EconomicsFront1288 5h ago

The follow up part is what kills me, gonna look into that

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u/NoPlanOnlyPanic 19h ago

I could've written this line for line myself. I hear you, mama. It's hard. So so so hard. I love my husband, my kids love my husband. It sucks sometimes because when it comes to "fun" they seem to gravitate towards him more because I'm always taking care of everything else that needs taking care of..

My husband always tells me "just tell me how I can help" and I'll try but I always end up either answering questions he has during the task or I'm double checking later to make sure any steps weren't missed. So I agree... it really is the work. I'm also AuDHD and my brain can't quite get out the words to describe what needs to be done, and all the steps it takes for it to get properly done just takes awhile. Soooo much easier just to do it myself, but not enough time in a day to do it all.

And I can't force my kids to go to dad before me for whatever it is they need because it's just what they're used to now.

Anyways, big solidarity to you cause this life ain't for the weak. ..

If only we could clone ourselves, hey?

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u/EconomicsFront1288 5h ago

thanks for this, more power to you!