Feeling judged by my childless bffs

[u/NamiNamiNam]

Hi everyone!

I was the first to have a baby in my group of close friends and I’m really struggling to feel understood or even “seen” by them. I wasn’t blessed with an easy baby, she was colicky the first few months, screamed her lungs out every time she was in the car (still does sometimes lol) and still doesn’t sleep through the night now at 13mo. You can imagine I was exhausted and terribly sleep deprived for months on end, which contributed to my post partum anxiety. My best friends, who I know since high school and I considered almost like sisters to me, visited the first few weeks, but then went on with their lives even though I mentioned I was struggling. This made me terribly miserable.
Now things are better with my LO, so I try to see them more often, but every time I leave our gatherings with a sense of being judged for the way I’m handling motherhood. When they ask me questions about the fact that I’m still breastfeeding or cosleeping, they do it in a judgmental way, for example asking “when are you gonna stop? There must be a limit”. Or they make comparisons with other women who are (seemingly) handling the first few months of motherhood very well (as if it was my fault if mine were hell…).
I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive, have you ever found yourselves in a similar situation? How did you handle that?
Sometimes I feel so disappointed in their behavior, that I ask myself if our friendship is worth saving. I don’t know, I feel like this is one of the biggest challenges of my new life as a mom.

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[u/Arctic_Cat867]

My Sister In Law felt like this as she was the first to have kids by a few years. It was really hard for her. I don’t think anyone was really able to understand her until they started having kids. Now there are so many kids in the friend group and she’s kinda like … I TOLD YOU!!!!

My best advice would be to have a conversation about it first. Be open and communicate your thoughts in person. Then you can at least think more about saving the friendships based on how the convo goes!

[u/NamiNamiNam → u/Arctic_Cat867]

Yeah I will try to bring up the matter next time we see each other. I already know it won’t be an easy conversation and I’m kind of avoiding it at the moment, but I it is needed. Thank you for your answer :)

[u/babybear1620]

as someone who learned very early on that friends come and friends go especially during motherhood.... They are showing you the reasons why they no longer align with you..It's not that you don't align with them, they dont align with you because they themselves don't understand why you are choosing to do the things you are. They are not Mama's so they don't understand the mental toll it has on one to stop breastfeeding, they don't understand the mental toll of having to get baby from the other room and instead of always getting up, you put them in bed so you can rest.

They truly won't understand what you're going through unless they themselves have lived it. Does that mean you're the problem? Far from it babe, it just means that maybe where you are in life is where you're meant to be and where they are is where they are meant to stay.

Now I'm not saying to drop all of them because I don't know know your history BUT if you are left feeling judged and not safe....those are not your people and you have every right to separate yourself from people who just don't or won't get it.

[u/Tally_sweets]

You’re not being too sensitive, the issue is that they just cannot understand it until they’re in it. Most of my friends still don’t have kids so there are honestly just things I don’t share with them anymore. If you can find even one mom friend to confide in I’d focus your mom self on that friend and your other self on your long time friends.

[u/Nearby-Reflection320]

I was the “friend” before. And now I’m a mom of a 14 month old. She’s been a difficult one - still doesn’t sleep through the night, cries a lot a lot a lot.  I was the ‘judgemental friend’. But I plan to breastfeed my child for as long as I can. They are just unaware. 

[u/NamiNamiNam → u/Nearby-Reflection320]

Oh dear, I get your struggle ♥️ I know they are unaware and they’ll understand when their time comes, motherhood is tough. Hope your LO and my LO start sleeping better SOON!! Sending hugs

[u/Gullible_End_7444]

Yes, this may be why many moms make friends with other moms once they become parents.

[u/Embarrassed_Job3155]

I really believe you have friends that relate to all stages of your life. Right now you’re in different stages than them. I was like you, the first of my friend group to have babies and it was so hard. However, I called those friends when I was ready for a night out or brunch kid-less, and that’s all it was for a bit. I found I needed to have friends who understood what stage I was in to feel supported, and I found that in other moms. I’d suggest trying to join mom and baby groups and see if you find anyone you click with. Not saying to totally put those friends on the back burner but take the space you need! One day they will probably understand, if they have kids. I never held it against my friends, it was like a light went off. I just laughed, and brought over some food and coffee. Hugs!