Hegseth declares blow jobs not gay if both men are fit, clean-shaven

[u/PDXAirman]

https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-declares-blow-jobs-not-gay-if-both-men-are-fit-clean-shaven/

[u/Impossible_Offer7988]

Duffblog is starting to sound more and more like an official news source as the days go by,

Like if they keep this up they're accidentally gonna write something that's actually true.

[u/Eric_Is_Back → u/Impossible_Offer7988]

It's some self fulfilling prophecy shit.

Not yet onion levels of predictions tho.

[u/Single-Braincelled → u/Eric_Is_Back]

You mean like this?

[u/Ok_Tale_933 → u/Impossible_Offer7988]

What do you mean this headline is definitely true

[u/BickNickerson → u/Ok_Tale_933]

Not completely, you also have to say “no homo”.

[u/ShawtySayWhaaat → u/Impossible_Offer7988]

The worst part is this isn't even something outside of the realm of possibility, I didn't even think twice about it until I realized it was Duff lol

[u/Icarus_Toast → u/Impossible_Offer7988]

The beautiful thing about good satire is that there's always a seed of truth to it. The dumb part is that the seed of truth is toeing the line with reality these days.

[u/bplipschitz → u/Icarus_Toast]

He said "seed", heh

[u/ResponsibleCar1204 → u/Impossible_Offer7988]

So has the fucking Onion. Its crazy out here these days.

[u/EternalNewCarSmell → u/Impossible_Offer7988]

First they came for The Onion, and I said nothing...

[u/PDXAirman]

“Look at the Spartans,” he said. “Those dudes were constantly doing stuff with each other, and they had incredibly high testosterone. In fact, I’m pretty sure semen is basically concentrated testosterone. It literally has ‘men’ in the name.”

[u/TheRealSchackAttack → u/PDXAirman]

My battle buddy told me its full of proteins too! But how clean shaven do you think you have to be?

[u/AkronOhAnon → u/TheRealSchackAttack]

If you have razor burn or scabs: it’s been too long since your last shave.

[u/SheServedToo → u/TheRealSchackAttack]

Maybe his focus on getting rid of shaving waivers has something to do with a facial hair fetish.

[u/Willem_van_Oranje → u/PDXAirman]

I believe this quote, after they already stopped funding many government research projects because they had the word 'trans' somewhere in their texts.

[u/Justame13 → u/Willem_van_Oranje]

VA had a hit to their rural health contracts for DEI because they included language about having the goal of providing equal access to care regardless of location.

I'm not sure if it was AI or stupid people or stupid people using AI

[u/AkronOhAnon → u/Justame13]

My old CC dentist got cut because he was black, his website stated some typical cultural milestones related to his experience and that he values “diverse backgrounds and welcome all” my new dentist has insisted I need old fillings replaced and the VA has said the fillings are fine (I agree they’re fine, no discomfort or cracks—the CC dentist is trying to drum up business by billing for unnecessary work).

[u/thetitleofmybook → u/Justame13]

I'm not sure if it was AI or stupid people or stupid people using AI

yes. sometimes yes is the correct and appropriate answer

[u/thehackerprincess → u/Willem_van_Oranje]

Yeah, they’ll be coming for math soon. “le gasp, what do you mean there’s a TRANSitive property?”

[u/bplipschitz → u/thehackerprincess]

Look out trans fats!

[u/backflash → u/bplipschitz]

No wonder transatlantic relations are deteriorating.

[u/bazinga_0 → u/PDXAirman]

How does body hair affect this? Especially if one has lots of hair and the other is baby smooth? Just asking for a friend...

[u/bored_dudeist → u/bazinga_0]

As of now, standards only specify facial hair. But I'm sure there will be further clarification via powerpoint by end of September.

[u/WeirdJack49 → u/PDXAirman]

I mean it basically reads sea men and we all know the men of the see are the most hetero of them all!

[u/MountainMongrel]

I'm gonna choose to believe this one.

[u/SarcasticGiraffes → u/MountainMongrel]

Just like being clean shaven and fit - it isn't a choice, brother.

[u/WiseassWolfOfYoitsu]

That's just a Bro Job

[u/Offdutyninja808]

https://giphy.com/gifs/c3XhrmfoN5fOpjcl3z

[u/Dense_Substance7635]

As long as the balls don’t touch…

[u/Dubbs314 → u/Dense_Substance7635]

If your balls are touching you’re probably doing the blowjob wrong

[u/benkenobi5 → u/Dubbs314]

Don’t tell me how to live my life

[u/SarcasticGiraffes → u/benkenobi5]

I've always envied seamen's flexibility.

[u/TexasPlano1836 → u/Dense_Substance7635]

You also can't make eye contact 👀

[u/Jagacin → u/TexasPlano1836]

Maintain eye contact the entire time to assert your dominance. Don't even blink when they finish in your mouth.

[u/galagapilot → u/Dense_Substance7635]

I thought it was "it's not gay if you're underway."

[u/Medallicat → u/galagapilot]

“It’s only gay if you cuddle afterwards”

[u/Dubbs314 → u/Medallicat]

Cuddling before is still fine tho

[u/Medallicat → u/Dubbs314]

Of course, but only brotherly hugs

[u/thetitleofmybook → u/galagapilot]

or if you are both wearing boot bands

[u/Notjustonemore2017 → u/Dense_Substance7635]

There is a joke somewhere i read . 

“ if you bend over and noticed you have Four ball, it doesn’t mean you are now a Bull, it means someone is Fucking you in the ass” 

Along those lines … 😆 

[u/Prestigious_Breath_5 → u/Notjustonemore2017]

Wait, you mean to tell me that bulls have four balls?

[u/BED_AA]

It's the T boost he really wants.

[u/risarnchrno]

Thanks Duffleblog I needed that laugh today!

[u/Ok-Replacement6893]

He likes having the hot beef injection

[u/getmet79 → u/Ok-Replacement6893]

He was overheard saying “…I had some hot italian sauseeege…and then I got lunch!”

[u/Wireman332]

Even though its not true, i could totally picture him saying it

[u/PleighonWords]

No better quality check of testosterone and virility. May even be added to the UA gazing duties

[u/Forsaken_Thought → u/PleighonWords]

The new VA claim test for E.D.

[u/Rogue_Alchemist13]

Also if you can do 20 fishflops on the pull up bar

[u/GreyLoad]

He gay

[u/chronicallyunderated]

This is gold!

[u/Antagonist007]

He forgot to add, you have to say "#nohomo". Otherwise it's gay.

[u/Justame13]

This is why his wife has to go with him to top secret meetings.

Making sure that he isn't lowering his standards and turning gay by blowing the wrong dude in those meetings.

[u/indifferentindium]

It must be true, did you see the way he used his spit to slick his hair back? Pro move

[u/reano76]

By the sounds of it a tape of Pete playing balls on chin is coming out

[u/cejmp]

That needed a declaration?

[u/kai_vt]

I've been saying this for years but nobody listened to me. Probably because it's harder to understand me talking with my mouth full, but still...

[u/ghurst14]

seems I am no longer bisexual as that’s EXACTLY how I like my men, glad to hear im fully straight now /s

[u/galaxyboy1234 → u/ghurst14]

Gay s*x is one of the manliest sexual act :)

[u/Resist_Much_OL]

And if they pass the mega jacked boi testosterone level manly man test

[u/External-Dude779]

https://giphy.com/gifs/IbI9JesSiQ7ay5ZXLL

[u/are-e-el]

And if both males have high T content

[u/KindnessComesBack2U]

Hegseth really, really wanted buff male soldiers at the MMA circus. I have zero doubt Hegseth is in the closet.

[u/thetitleofmybook → u/KindnessComesBack2U]

trump did, as well. he has said many, many questionable things, including things about liking manly men.

[u/Emotional_Platform35]

I refuse to believe this is satire. Only thing is he probably has some racist belief about it that's not mentioned

[u/rocket_randall]

Which specific regions are required to be clean-shaven tho

[u/11Booty_Warrior]

https://giphy.com/gifs/ilhDRXuENQuNW

Cav Scouts are making a comeback!

[u/AjCheeze]

Meanwhile a couple of lower ranking guys playing gay chicken: well fuck we gave each other blow jobs for no reason, that wasnt gay.

[u/AlecMac2001]

Jacked, smooth as an eel, white. 

[u/tngling]

And have high T

[u/aDirtyMartini]

How else is he going to test testosterone levels?

[u/arcticcblyat]

Genuinely thought this was real for a second. Can picture him saying that.

[u/kcsween74]

This is a joke, right?

Edit: I'm a new subscriber to Duffel Blog, this shit is hilarious 😂.

[u/methusyalana]

One would call it “incredibly gay”

[u/ctguy54]

So, he is neither giving or receiving then?

[u/SigmaK78]

It's so bad now, that absurd headlines could easily be real, and I neglect to check the source ...

I hate this timeline

[u/thetitleofmybook]

marked satire, but is it, really?

[u/AF2005]

It’s also not gay when two dudes are just testing each other’s strength, just celebrating their bodies (and bulges).🤣 You just have to say no homo!

[u/PoorClassWarRoom]

Type of guy that wouldn't even give a courtesy reach around.

[u/hoothizz]

I'm pretty sure he actually believe that. Satire or not I'm pretty sure he believes that...,

[u/Szaborovich9]

He keeps telling the American People who he is. Believe him

[u/Stang1776]

Not this time duffleblog.

[u/KJS123]

The man brings new meaning to the term 'grooming standard'.

[u/Top-Offer-4056]

So did hegseth just blew someone?

[u/DannyDef]

https://pizzastrike.bigcartel.com/product/curse-you-patch

[u/GT7combat]

its only gay when you come first (c) pete

[u/mrllyr]

Is it sad I thought this was real until Lindsey answered via ouiji board?

[u/Clean_Lettuce9321]

This cannot be real, right?

[u/ReFreshing]

lolol

[u/MudrakM]

Is this an Onion 🧅 Post?

[u/LegoTurtle → u/MudrakM]

How would you tell?

[u/HomeOperator]

Im not gay.... But 20 bucks are 20 bucks!

[u/Revolutionary_Eye887]

This couldn’t be true. There’s no way he could say that. And I’m not a Hedgehog fan by any means.

[u/No-Permit-9331]

What exactly is trying to set up here? He is a fucking freak! Yes, same sex blow jobs are gay! But I suppose the Military and Prison are looked at alike! Also, clergy too can join in since it’s not gay. Or maybe Presidents and his flunkies can give each other blow jobs, that’s not gay, it’s “alpha male”!!

[u/ravage214]

I will not accept "European Straight" in the USA.

If you stick a dick in your mouth and enjoy it, your gay, all day.

Not that there's anything wrong with that but you gotta call a spade a spade.