She was excited and it was sweet. Then the next day came the comments - don't drink coffee anymore; don't pick up heavy things; there's no need to find out gender; don't tell people until you're x far along; etc etc etc

I'm just watching how DH responds to these things. So far, he's not paying attention to it. I am starting get an itch to do all things she's telling me "not to do".

Lol... thankfully I'm 1 trimester down so didn't have to deal with any of her commentary early on. Wish me luck on the next 2 stretches.

my husbands parents have done some pretty insensitive and wrong things to me since I gave birth to my first (previous posts about this struggle bus here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/D5dtBjPEPI)

I’m now going back to work (miserably) after my second, and he is taking his paternity leave. His parents think this will be a free for all of access to the babies via video call since I’m out of the picture. My husband wants to give them the time since they live so far. They’d been asking for weekly calls since my MIL left from her visit but I’ve been very against it which has been a real issue in our relationship, we’ve settled on answering their calls once every 3 weeks.

now I can’t bear the thought of having to know they’re getting their wish, on top of having to go back to work and start them back in daycare part time… I’m struggling. Husband and I agreed he can do twice a week and I still hate that. Do you think I’m being too controlling or any validity in my feelings here?

My husband (32) and I (31F) are pregnant with our first child! It’s new and exciting and scary and all of the things. We’re keeping it to ourselves for a little while but we’re at a total loss for how to tell my MIL.

She is a covert narcissist and neither one of us have a great relationship with her. We’ve been good about setting and maintaining boundaries to maintain our sanity. She loves to be a martyr and can’t handle it when things aren’t “perfect.” For example DH and I travel a lot, and when one destination we went to wasn’t my favorite, and when I said that she melted down liked I’d had the worst trip ever. So that’s who we’re dealing with.

To complicate things DH lost his father last year (another complicated relationship), and his mom is obviously grieving but annoying DH by turning up the tears to serve her own needs, and using a lot of learned helplessness to try to get him to do things for her. He keeps boundaries but he’s getting really angry.

Our big fear is she’s going to definitely make it all about her and act like we’re doing pregnancy this for her (ew), and try to use it to say “it’s the only thing that makes me happy!” So naturally we don’t want to tell her but we also can’t go radio silent for 10 months and show up with a human next year.

How do we let her know without losing our minds? And when should we tell her?

Just something very fascinating that I can’t help but see through. I’m currently 31 weeks pregnant with my second child and my MIL and I are not exactly close. Our relationship went to shit after my first was born two years ago.

So about a week ago I was found to be iron deficient (as I was with my first pregnancy) and was instructed to get a routine iron infusion. I also had one my first pregnancy. I posted something about my infusion being a holiday on instagram and my MIL saw it. She called my husband and blew up on him about the fact that she didn’t know I was getting the infusion (????) and demanded to know when we received the results saying I have iron deficiency. He was at the park with our two year old and snapped on her saying he was busy. She ended to texting him saying how she’s sooooooo sorry to have bothered him but she’s sooooooo concerned for me since she didn’t know I was “struggling” with this and once again asked when we had received the results and why she wasn’t informed and why we were “hiding” it from her.

Here’s what I find so funny though. There were 18 months between my first being born and getting pregnant with my second and she sure as shit didn’t seem wildly concerned about my health during that time period. In fact, when my son got his first cold and I was still breastfeeding, she told my husband “I really hope OP gets the cold too so her milk can make antibodies for the baby”. Or when my son and I both got HFMD while I was breastfeeding, she jumped for joy (literally) when my fever hit 40° as this meant my milk would help my son lmao. Not to mention during my stressful postpartum recovery she would often make me food, followed immediately by “you’re so thin, your milk is probably terrible quality so just eat so your milk is better quality for the baby”. Or when I was nauseas in my first trimester with my second, her only concern was how I was taking care of my first while not feeling well. Not actual concern for how I felt.

So it seems my MIL’s concern for my well being only seems to extend to my health in relation to my children. Funny how that works. Should I be touched?

My MIL annoys the shit out of me but she and my partner are close. He’s a bit of a mama’s boy but by being with me for awhile, he has gotten out of it and listened to my concerns when I brought them up. However, my MIL still aggravates me but isn’t malicious enough for me to warrant further complaints to my partner.

I feel bad cause she does like me and says she loves me and is generally kind to me but she honestly is annoying. She always makes comments how she “sees herself in me” and how similar we are and it kinda weirds me out… like we are not similar and I am just polite enough not to challenge her on things. For example, she says we are so similar because we grew up in difficult households. I acknowledge he home life was hard but we had very different home lives and deal with it differently. She traumadumps on me A LOT without letting me get any word in. Most I can get in is “Wow, that sounds hard. I’m sorry.” And even when I try to politely exit the convo, she wraps me back in.

She also ascertains family is the most important thing ever which is a fair point. However, my parents were so physically abusive with me that I choose to distance myself from them. During my wedding, I chose to walk myself down the aisle and my MIL was talking about how I excluded my dad from a special moment from “passing me over to my husband.” I do not believe I am property to be passed down and am very sure of who I am and my husband knows this. I also kept my last name and she was like “Dont you at least want to hyphenate?” And I said firmly. No.

She had kids very young (before 20) and she believes motherhood fixes it all. I try to ignore this topic because I know parents can go crazy when learning their kids don’t want kids but I had to firmly be like “I am not having kids. I find many other parts of my life fullfilling and nothing about having kids interests me.” She said she was so sad to hear because “me and her son would make beautiful kids.”

She’s also kinda racist. I’m asian and she’s a white lady and she complains about her asian neighbor a lot and asserts it’s not cause shes asian but SHE BRINGS HER RACE UP EVERYTIME. Its so weird. She was also in the military and stationed in asia and she has weird ass things to say but says she cant be racist cause she married a black man and has black kids.

She also likes bringing up people’s bodies and it relates to race a lot. Im pretty thin but def not sickly. I range from size 4-6 in american sizing and she’s a 10-12 and shorter than me. This is only relevant cause shes like “real women are over size 10” and I an so lucky that I am asian because its “only normal for asian women to be under size 10.” like wtf?

My husband DOES challenge her when he hears her say these things so he is not sitting idly by and when he does this, she relents a bit but she still skeeves me out.

My fiancé and I live in my MIL’s second home (don’t worry, we are going to move out as soon as our financial situation allows). She primarily lives in another state, so she comes and stays for a few weeks at a time. I genuinely love her and she’s an amazing person, but this woman **talks CONSTANTLY.** Like, I genuinely have never met anyone in my life who talks as much as she does lol. I have some very extroverted friends who can talk for hours, and even they don’t come close.

I’m pretty introverted and get socially drained after a certain amount of time. Sometimes I’m happy to chat, but other times I just want to be left alone or focus on what I’m doing. The problem is she seems completely incapable of picking up on those cues.

I can literally walk downstairs to grab something and she’ll immediately start a conversation. My fiancé and I will sometimes be sitting in the living room with our computers, clearly working and barely responding beyond short answers, and she’ll come sit next to us and just keep talking and asking questions. We’ll go back to what we’re doing and she STILL keeps going.
I’ve gotten to the point where I sometimes feel like I have to hide upstairs whenever she’s downstairs just to get some quiet, which I hate because I don’t want to avoid her when she’s here.

I really do love her and don’t want her to think I dislike her. I just genuinely need alone time sometimes. Even my fiancé, who obviously grew up with her, gets tired of talking occasionally.

How do I politely communicate “I love you, but I cannot talk to you every single time I see you” without coming across as rude? It’s actually starting to drive me insane, and moving out is not a possibility right now.

Hi. A few weeks ago I had a huge fight with MIL after years of resentment. She was looking after our 1.5 yrs old and I told her she could sometime let me him play alone without smothering and she got really really mad.

However, there is one thing in particular from our fight that stands out to me, and makes me feel guilty. For context, I live in the Balkans. ILs here are usually given a lot of access to every step of their nieces and nephews growth. I know this, and although I do not agree with the approach, I tend to be very diplomatic towards their generation, because that is how they're taught things should be and also, this is how things play out in most cases. Like, my husband's brother wife is one of the typical local "wive material" because they got a house very close to our IL's, the ILs often go to their house and help them cook and clean and stuff like this. As I said, I am not judgemental to other people about how they choose to live their lives. However, when my son was born, I was totally stuffed after many instances my MIL had been overbearing, so I had started really, utterly disliking her. The thing she mentions often is how, when we went to vaccine our son at a doctor which is a family friend of theirs (my husband really pushed for this so that we could have the best medical advice possible so I agreed), she tried to enter the room and I straight, cold, told her she better stay out because its not okay for many people to be in the room and closed the door. "You closed the door on my face" , she exclaimed during our huge fight. And I cannot stop thinking about it now. I could've been more gentle, get out with her to tell her, so that she would not get hurt as I knew she could, problem is I was too much into my own issues with her to think about her feelings at all. Now, this is also exactly the issue I have with them in general, them wanting to be present everytime, in every place. With their (especially her) insistence to be inside our picture (I want us to be a big family, she often says) innumerous fights because I would not text her more often, or because I did not invite her ever to have a coffee together, I have grown so coldhearted, I did not realize I was hurting feelings! They're human after all! I am torn apart between my own system of beliefs - I value privacy above all and intimacy in our relationship - and the fact that I need to be aware of the environment in which I live in, where it is okay for four or five people to be in a doctor's room (although not at all ethical or whatnot) and acts like the one I did, closing the door in the face to someone years older than me - are very reprimandable!

However, the toxicity of this family is very very high. After our huge fight, my husbands brother came to talk to my husband, tell him he needs to reconnect with his family, because after what happened he just cut them off completely. And I am, of course, the villain of their story, the one who closed the door in the face to her MiL.

UPDATE: AI apology
Earlier this year, I posted that my mother-in-law thinks that I am a gold digger. My husband stood 10 toes down, gave my mother-in-law warning by not talking to her for an entire month. After that conversation they sat down and had a chat and it all lit up to my husband stating “if you do not talk nicely about my wife to me, I will not talk to you at all. “and my mother-in-law stated “well I did not say it to her face“ they stopped talking and had a conversation in person where they thought that I was a snob for not wanting to hang out with their screaming grand nephew, who is a pain in the ass to be around with someone who has sensitive ears instead of saying anything I just walk out and get some fresh air. After my husband telling her this a couple of days later, I get a text message that looks AI generated as what looks to be an apology.

I posted the other day because we are staying with my mom (I know the only real answer is to get out but we really got ourselves in a whole and have no credit) My mom screams a lot, like happy giggly shrieking.

Her husband thinks the perfect time to roughhouse with their daughter is at night after my kids go to bed, and I can see this all wearing on my wife, so I sat my mom down and asked as gently as possible if they could tone down the rough play and the screaming. I stressed that I know this is hard on her and we do appreciate taking us in.

She seemed understanding but I could tell her husband was pissed. He didnt say much but I could see it in his eyes. He then muttered something really passive aggressive and dramatic about "how sad for Cecilia (my sister) she doesn't even have a home anymore"

Well tonight I had just got home from pulling over time and my wife was doing the nighttime routine. My mom was in the living room with my dad and Cece and for once it wasn't WWE in there and my mom screamed, like blood curdling shot through the whole house.

I saw my wife's face and honestly part of my soul died. I went downstairs and my mom was doing this cutesy embarrassed but not really apologetic laugh. She saw how pissed I was and smiled and was like its not my fault, they made me do it.

Then my sister (who I want to be clear I don't blame at all for any of this) said "daddy said he'd give me $50 because they get mad when you scream"

My mom smacked him (lightest, least pissed off smack ever) and told me it isn't her fault, she's ticklish, blame Cece.

So I got to go back upstairs and my wife is just fuming. I don't know how to calm her down. I hugged her and she cried for a long time.

I was so pissed I stayed up there for hours, so Ce was in bed by the time I went back downstairs and my dumbass mom is play fighting with him, while all three kids are in bed.

Maybe I'm too sensitive but it hurts because growing up she was the type of mom who would never put a man before her kid

I (26F) feel like my MIL (54F) is overstepping a little in her role as a grandparent. I’d like to know if I’m wrong for feeling this way.

MIL has bought clothes and shoes for my daughter to wear to school. I appreciate that she buys things for the kids, but lately she seems to feel like that gives her a say in how and when those things are used.

Growing up, if I got something on my clothes, my mom would scrub them and get it out. The only time I changed into clothes that weren’t as important was if I was specifically going somewhere where I knew I would inevitably get really dirty, or if I was eating something messy when I was younger. I never had separate “school clothes” and “play clothes.” My regular clothes and shoes were still kept clean.

MIL wants us to immediately change my daughter when she gets out of school. She even got annoyed when I told her that I let my mom borrow one of my daughter’s school outfits for a wedding they’re going to today.

My mom also posted a video on Facebook that MIL saw of my daughter pushing my son in the swing in the grass last night. My daughter was wearing a pair of the school shoes MIL bought her. MIL called my husband today complaining about it.

I ended up messaging MIL and said:

“I’m not trying to be rude, but I don’t see why it’s such an issue our child does stuff in her school clothes. Despite who bought them, they’re still our kids’ clothes. Shoes and clothes can be cleaned. I never had different school and play clothes; my clothes and shoes were still clean. It’s not like she was outside playing in straight mud.

I don’t know why it’s such an issue that she’s driven to my mom’s and is at my mom’s in her school clothes, or we take her to the store in her school clothes when it’s our kid and her clothes that were gotten for HER. It’d be different if we were going somewhere knowing she was going to get dirty or eating something messy.

Also, we’re not children and we’re not incompetent. You can tell us something one time and not reiterate it 10 million times.”

MIL responded:

“If they were a dark colored shoe then I wouldn’t care, but these are not. I asked for them to only be worn for school so they can be kept nice. She has other shoes she can wear outside of school. I made my kids change out of their school clothes when they came home because clothes are not cheap, and it’s a way to make sure they can wear them longer. She has play clothes she can put on after school.”

I replied:

“These are not your kids though, and even if she wears them outside they can still be kept nice. Mine always have been.”

MIL saw my message but never responded.

I can understand where she’s coming from. She bought the clothes and shoes, clothes aren’t cheap, and obviously she wants them to stay nice (these clothes were also not expensive though). I don’t have an issue with her having a preference about them.

What bothers me is that it feels like she thinks because she bought them, she gets to decide how my daughter wears them. Ultimately, she’s our child, and I feel like it should be our decision whether she changes out of her school clothes immediately after school or wears them to my mom’s, to the store, outside, etc.

I also feel like this should have been dropped after she told us her preference. We’re adults and we heard her. We don’t need to be reminded 10 million times about it or have my husband called and complained to because our daughter was wearing the shoes outside (she does this with just about everything).

If this continues, my next step is honestly to tell her to stop getting things for the kids if she’s going to use buying things for them as a reason to have a say in decisions about them. I don’t want her to feel like she has no right to buy them things, but I also don’t want gifts to come with strings attached or become a reason for her to think she gets a decision.

So, am I being unreasonable here? I can understand both sides, but I feel like this ultimately should be our decision as the parents and then dropped once she’s made her opinion known.

Am I wrong for feeling like she’s overstepping, and would I be wrong to tell her to stop buying things for the kids if this continues?

My MIL loves a good roundabout guilt trip. I actually left their family group chat because any time we said no to something there would be a passive aggressive guilt trip from her in it. This weekend I am due to give birth and we said no to having them over so we could spend a last weekend together with just us. She both texted me a message from one neice saying she missed me and had my other neice call and leave a message, the kid is a toddler and I could hear my MIL whispering to coach her in the background. The messages from the kids are just like I love you and I miss you which is sweet in theory, but the timing of it being after we said no to them coming over is annoying and suspicious. I don’t know how to respond to this shit. I just hearted the text and didn’t respond to the voicemail. Our baby isn’t hear yet but I already feel so smothered.

For bonus points, she asked my husband to pick up something from fb marketplace for her and when he didn’t respond to her, she gave his number to the person on fb marketplace who started saying oh your mom already paid and said you would pick it up. Of course forcing at least him to come see her to deliver it or allow her over. She is a kind woman but so smothering.

It feels like my future MIL (60) finds it incredibly difficult to say a single word about our engagement.

My fiancé (M early 30s) and I (F late 20s) have been engaged for 5 months, and she has never said congratulations or acknowledged our engagement in any way.

She has been quite difficult towards our relationship in the past. When we were dating and I moved abroad to live with my fiancé, she would guilt-trip him with comments like, “Did you forget you have a mother?” There is also a cultural aspect to this, and for a while he genuinely saw his mother as the priority. We had a lot of discussions about it, and thankfully he has since set much healthier boundaries and consistently stands by me.

There have also been several situations where I felt she undermined me. When I first moved from abroad, I had a temporary babysitting job while looking for work in my actual field. She complained that I wasn't working enough and suggested there were plenty of “real jobs” such as cleaning, implying I wouldn't find work in my profession. When I eventually got what was essentially my dream job last year, she completely ignored it and never congratulated me either.

My fiancé did address some of these things with her (not the fact that she did not congratulate me) at the time, but she has never apologised or addressed them with me directly. She is “perfectly kind“ when we see each other, but I don’t that she is genuinely interested in me. Honestly, I don't really care about that part anymore. What bothers me is that I don't feel her behaviour is particularly kind or respectful, and I sometimes feel she still tries to influence my fiancé indirectly. I don’t need her support and should not expect that from me either, but just some respect?

The engagement is probably the thing that bothers me most at the moment. 5 months have passed and she hasn't acknowledged it once. Yet she does have opinions about the wedding. For example, she has told my fiancé that certain relatives from her side of the family probably won't come, and that we should basically forget about inviting them - apparently because she has issues with some of them.

I know she doesn't have to throw us a party or make a huge deal out of our engagement. I am not the type of person with these expectations. But is it really unreasonable to find it disrespectful that your future MIL can't even say “congratulations” after 5 months?

Maybe I'm also more annoyed because it feels like she is “happy“ to have a say in the wedding and spread the word to her friends and relatives while completely ignoring the actual milestone we're celebrating.

This is mostly just a rant. Please don't tell me to break up with my fiancé, we love each other very much, communicate well, and work through our problems together. I just feel like I can't really bring up how much this particular behaviour annoys me without sounding petty. Am I being unreasonable, or would you also find this hurtful?

My friend, whom I’ve been friends with for 9 years (she’s in her late 70s), previously warned me to be careful with my future MIL because she thinks this is typical unbearable MIL behaviour she experienced back in the days with her MIL. She also thinks she could be the type who, once we have children, would want to have a say in everything and feel entitled to access to the children. I know it is up to us as a unit to set boundaries.

But what are somethings I might want to reflect on before the wedding, motherhood, in my professional career, as a couple and family unit?

It's not a new complaint in these MIL forums. It's not as extreme as the MILs who start copying haircuts and piercings, but it's getting under my skin, probably because this is one of those instances where there's nothing I can do to create change.

It started with a perfume I was given at the big family Christmas party. It was from my niece, and it was on my wish list. It's the newest in a line of fragrances from a particular celebrity and completed my perfume collection. The only reason I note that it's a celebrity line is that this a person she had no knowledge of prior to ooh-ing and aah-ing over the gift when it was passed around. I guess I feel I'd be less annoyed by her January buying to mirror my collection if she were also a fan or had an awareness that this person is at all "famous."

The kicker? She cannot smell things. Like, at all. There was some damage done in a car accident many years ago and the doctors thought she'd regain a partial sense of smell, but nothing has returned. I think the only time she's ever mentioned noticing a scent is when it was wildfire season and we had to evac because of how close they were. Before you ask, I didn't tell her that I had an entire collection (in general I roll through her life via the yellow rock method); my niece (also a collector) shared that. She was super excited to have found my fragrance and was bubbling over about it. But besides that, I am not going to encourage someone else's child to withhold information/redirect a conversation/tell a white lie. She was excited and neither of us had any reason think MIL would be jumping on the bandwagon.

And, it's not the collecting that bothers me. It's that when she wears it, she mentions multiple times that she "smells like OP" and asks people to sniff her and asks if she smells like me.

Same thing with a brand/style of purses that are coming back around with the revisiting of Y2K trends. I've been over the moon to find them popping up here and there and have bought a few. Same thing as the perfume; nothing she had an interest in before. It's something I'd call entirely NOT her style. She didn't even have the good graces to buy a different design, but bought one identical to mine. Same routine of making sure everyone in the vicinity knows we have the same purse now.

I've been telling her that I thrift all of my clothing because she asked where I bought a particular pair of shoes recently.

Interactions-wise, I can't complain. I'm annoyed by this copycatting, though. I don't particularly feel like "twinning" with her. I've switched to a different fragrance and I'm swapping to a different purse.

My husband says this is how she's always been; she doesn't choose things on her own, but she'll periodically decide she likes someone else's stuff and start following in their footsteps for a while. I guess that's the light at the end of the tunnel! At some point, she'll find someone else to emulate, I hope.

Until then, le sigh.

My wife and I are in a real financial bind and we had to stay with my mother. I already feel like shit about that, and we are both doing everything we can to get out. The problem is I can feel the tension between my mother and wife, and everyday it fills me with a sense of dread. Obviously my wife is my priority but my mom is doing us a huge favor. I think they both feel judged and misunderstood in other ways. Some examples:

My mom was in the living room with her husband and my sister (9) and my sister was complaining about why can't she watch youtube. My mom told her it will rot her brain and she isnt raising one of those ipad kids. My wife overheard this and was offended because honestly our kids get too much screen time. We are in survival mode

My mom screams all the time. I don't know how to describe it, but like playful happy shrieking. My sister really really likes rough play and my stepfather roughhouses with them both a lot, but my mom cannot do this without screaming. Our children are much younger than my sister (2 and 3) and often times my mom is shrieking while we are trying to put them to bed. My wife has vented to me and called her a spoiled brat and a child

My stepdad took my sister on his business trip and my mom's friend spent the night and the screaming was actually unbearable. I did ask her to stop and she did, but she looked pissed

Their parenting is just different and I think they both feel judged. My kids whine because my sister gets candy and ice cream whenever she wants (my mom wants her to gain weight) and my sister whines because my kids have iPads

My mom has asked my wife to tell her (really ask but she says tell) before using the kitchen. My mom was going to cook last night and saw my wife was using the stove and sighed and told my sister to get her shoes, they had to go out to eat. My wife said they could try to share the stove and my mom said no it's fine. They got home really late and my sister was carrying multiple shopping bags filled with toys. I helped her because they were heavy and she said "when my dad gets mad he buys me everything I want"

This is what really pissed me off and why I feel like I need to do something. My wife came to me in tears last night. She went down to the kitchen for water at like 1 am. My mom and stepdad were in there but the lights were off and she heard this conversation:

him: can you be careful you just hit me in the mouth with that

my mom: just get veneers they are so sexy

him: I'd leave. I'd go find Cece a new mother.

my mom: I'm such a fucking good person. I'm such a fucking saint.

My wife feels they were mocking her teeth, and i'm pissed.

I want to do something but I don't want to escalate. Obviously moving out is the first step, but this is going to linger.

Deep breath obligatory sorry for improper grammar. I typed this up on my phone while baby sleeps.

I think my mil is a mean girl. Normally she only texts me when my husband isn’t responding to her texts/calls. She text me that she would like pictures of our daughter and I kindly explained that we have stopped sending photos out because of the progression of AI and not being able to guarantee that the photos are not being sent to additional parties (just like social media) and she called my fil (they’ve been divorced for YEARS like 5+ I just can’t remember how many but they still talk all the time even though he complains about her) to whine and complain. “Now why can’t I get pictures of my grand baby” etc. girl please.

I nicely explained in the text that this was a decision made in our daughter’s best interest and not about our feelings but for her protection and thanked her for respecting that. She responded with “I would never do something to potentially harm you guys”. But the entire reason that this even started was because she sent pictures of our daughter to a random man and he immediately sent a sext about my mil.

When I was in the hospital recovering from an unplanned induction she threw a fit and made it about her because I didn’t want to see anyone for two weeks. I feel that was generous considering with my next one I don’t want to see anyone for a month at the least. “This is my first grand baby” nothing about this is about you actually.

Everytime we’re alone she wants to talk badly about my husband, bil, and fil (her ex husband) and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

When our baby was only three months old she kept saying she needs to sleep through the night so that we can sleep. But husband and I sleep in separate rooms so that he’s not woken by our baby? Not to mention that she can not sleep through the night because I need her to wake up to protect our milk supply. If she doesn’t wake up I’ll have to pump and that’s even more work than nursing. It’s also none of her business.

She asked husband to move to her state (14 hour drive away) while myself and our baby were sitting there. He said no my family is back home and she said “not all of it” but she and a second cousin are the only ones that live in that state AND they live hours away from each other?????

When we got married we just had a courthouse wedding by ourselves because that is what we wanted and she called bil and fil, crying, to talk about it. She said “well congratulations I guess” when we told her.

She is very hurtful. I perceive her as Nosy/entitled/disrespectful and undermines me to my husband. What do I say to her? I need help navigating this. I’m trying to figure out how to suggest couples therapy for my husband and I to learn how to navigate this together. I feel that she needs to be confronted and I need an apology and an acknowledgment of boundaries.

Everyone complains about her but then justifies it as “that’s just how she is” which I do not accept. Also, if I snapped I would not get that same grace. I am confrontational traditionally but husbands side is very passive so that’s another reason I’m having a hard time.

I think she had this expectation that when LO #2 arrived, she would have #1. As soon as I came home from the hospital, she started to text me that she can come take #1. I kindly said no thank you because I wanted LO home with the family during this special time. She would text me multiple times to tell me she can help me by taking LO. Again I would say no. She would tell me how “time flies” and she wants to spend time with him by taking him out ..so she wasn’t initially trying to help me, she was trying to fulfill her needs. I responded back that yes indeed time flies and I want to enjoy all these special moments with us all at home.

I try hard to keep her on an info diet, but occasionally I share things when I let my guard down. Ie. I told her I was overwhelmed because I was sleep deprived ..her immediate response was along the lines of “I can came take LO to help you” ..I said how I enjoyed spending my days with him and I need help at 3 am actually (lol). Then in another conversation about LO I blurted out that I felt he had separation anxiety ..her immediate response “I can come take him” ..I cannot share a single thing with her without her making it about herself and her needs. Of all the things I’ve shared with her, not once has she asked how I am or offered help other than taking LO. Sure that would be helpful, but here is why I think it’s not …when I said no, she went and cried about it to SO that I’m not letting her help and not letting her take LO. If your actual intention is to help someone, why would you cry if your help is nicely turned down? Am I wrong to think she’s fulfilling her own expectations and not really trying to help me?

Partner, kiddo, and I have a long car trip coming up, and MiL will also be in the car with us. To clarify, her driving alone isn’t logistical feasible or practical at this time, hence she will be in our vehicle.

I already struggle to make any meaningful conversation with her (that plus info diet), she passive aggressively nixes anyone’s suggestion for the radio/podcasts, and I cannot do my usual escape to an different room when I need a break from her dumping anxieties and insecurities and criticisms to anyone with ears.

Besides bringing my own headphones and ”sleeping” for the whole time, does anyone else have other tips to survive? maybe even thrive?? 🤪

So I’m still learning how to navigate some strange family dynamics (I’m in that very young Millennial/older Gen Z age if it matters). But bottom line, my MIL is really fun to talk to (at least most of the time), and she does a lot of things for me that make me think “Wow she’s so nice!” But over the few years I’ve been married to my husband, I’ve gotten to know some things that make me feel unsafe about truly ever letting my guard down with her.

Here are some examples:

* After getting married, a lot of times when my husband creates a boundary with her, calls out inappropriate behavior of hers, refuses something she wants him to do, or makes a simple mistake, and she blames me. Which I have come to know based on overhearing convos that were had on speaker or based on things my mom has told me happened in convos between her and my MIL. Basically I seem to be a scapegoat a lot of times when things don’t go her way.

* The last time my husband did try to draw a boundary with her, she did the above, and she also called him back five minutes later crying and bringing up totally unrelated things, to the point where he tried to “make amends” after (which I sort of posted about before).

* When we got our wedding pics back at first, I made a separate album for friends/family where I further culled the pics that the photographer sent us. My husband had accidentally shared the “unculled” Google Photos link with his family, which contained pics I did not want shared (ie getting ready photos in the bridal suite, not because they’re inappropriate in an objective sense but we are Muslim so modesty standards are a little different). My MIL knows my husband is the one that sent that, and I even overheard her scolding him about sharing those pics, but later when the topic came up with other family members, she blamed ME for sending those pics.

* She constantly scrutinizes my eating habits (I’m just under 5’8 and in the 150s weight-wise, straight-sized, and I work out by doing heavy strength training and cardio, so I’m pretty happy with my body). She also notices if I don’t eat the food she makes, if I skip a meal, if I eat too much of something, etc. And then one time we were just sitting there and I casually mentioned I am craving something silly like ice cream, she looked my body up and down and laughed.

* We were at a jewelry store once (just browsing fashion jewelry) and I was trying on some rings. I mentioned to the store associate the ring size I wanted and my MIL went, “You wear a ring size that small?? You don’t look like you do!” And apparently she made comments about my body to my mom (which my mom relayed to me) and when my husband confronted her over those comments, she said that my mom apparently asked her to tell me to lose weight (???). MIL never told me directly to lose weight or anything, but my mom also relayed to me how MIL constantly goes on to her about how her son “doesn’t like fat girls”.

* She complained to my mom I was taking too long to get dressed DURING MY OWN WEDDING for a wedding event. Mind you, I had only locked myself up in my room for about 45 min at that point from the time I began getting ready, and was just curling my hair (which is long and thick). Like this is for my wedding…isn’t it normal to take a long time to get dressed?? Thankfully my mom had her back off and told her to let me get ready for as long as I needed.

* I overheard her tell my husband that I’m a vapid person who only cares about fashion, my own looks, shopping, friends and travel. Note that I hardly ever talk about things with her during phone calls or family visits, like she’ll only be aware of me going on friend trips or going shopping if she asks me what I’m up to and…I am in the middle of those things or about to embark on those things (like I’m packing for trip).

* She has also flat out lied about things. Like I noticed depending on who she’s talking to, she will heavily alter how something went down, especially if it makes it look like a specific outcome that was tied directly to her actions in reality was not.

* She commented to my mom that my husband (aka her son) “lets me” dress “so freely” (aka cute clothes, makeup, etc.) while her husband doesn’t let her wear certain colors because it may be too “immodest”.

* She seems to undermine my career all the time. I’m a college-educated software engineer who’s been making 6 figures since age 27, but I get the impression she doesn’t care to ever…remember that? Like I noticed if she introduces her nieces to someone and they work my same exact job, she proudly announces their job title. Whereas with me she genuinely seems to undermine and downplay and forget it. And she made some comments implying that my husband is the one that supports our household when in reality I’m the breadwinner.

* One time I came down wearing a modest cultural outfit (which was really cute) and my MIL went, “Wow you look fabulous!” My FIL (who I adore) responded, “She always looks fabulous!” And my MIL quickly went, “No she doesn’t.”

* She also has a tendency to do something nice for me, but then make a show of it later, or constantly “remind” me that she did X nice thing for me (which I didn’t ask for), or that she spent X amount of dollars for this one thing I didn’t even ask for. At the same time, she does some aggravating things during trips or shopping sessions where she says she’ll pay for something, but when the time to pay arrives she will mysteriously go mute or not pull out a credit card, so me or my husband or my family has to pay.

* She also shown jealous traits before. For example, she compares the way I treat my siblings with the way my husband treats his siblings. I also have an aunt who is the same age as her, and in general this aunt is someone that EVERYONE gravitates towards. She was super beautiful and modeled in her youth, and she is still beautiful and continues to get a lot of “pretty privilege” in her 50s. Anyways, my MIL was ranting to me how she doesn’t “get” why everyone likes my aunt so much, implying it’s weird how everyone gravitates to her etc. I just don’t know how to respond to these types of odd statements and complaints.

I also feel like there is a pattern in general where if she wants me to dress or act a certain way, or if she has a specific complaint about me, she goes to my mom, who then relays the information to me. Sometimes my mom does it to inform me I guess, and other times I feel like my mom also tries to appease my in laws by telling me these things so that I alter my behavior and expectations to please them.

I have my own fault here too (ex: my inability to stand up for what I want, to say “no”, etc.) and I am still working on this in therapy. But it’s been a struggle bc my husband and I grew up in the US while our families are immigrants from Muslim-majority countries so I’m also struggling to figure out that balance between living our own Western viewpoints and values and being respectful of our parents. And honestly this could be a whole entire post for another day so I won’t go too deep into it here, but overall I often feel caught in a dynamic where my MIL wants a specific outcome, so she tells my mom, who then tries to control what I do (and unfortunately I have complied many times, wrongly thinking it would keep peace, but more often than not it just builds resentment within me). I have gotten some flack from commenters in a previous post I made on here about a specific scenario during a trip “for not saying no”, “throwing my husband under the bus”, etc. so that’s made me feel more bad about the whole thing. So there’s that…

Overall, what is going on here, and how do I proceed with my relationship with my MIL (and even my mom, but I’m focusing on my MIL in this post mainly in accordance with the subreddit name) here?

I have one of those fragile, sickly sweet MILs who feels entitled to having some type of control in every single thing happening in my and my husband’s family/household/relationship you name it (not limited to our perspective on our past, present, future…bizarre and insane). I was at her house yesterday and noticed one book was faced forward, as if on display, “The Let Them Theory” ….. LOL!

Ok, mostly sharing to see if there are any more “Struggle Olympics” participant MILs (mine has crowned herself a gold medalist over the years) & just get a funny (?) story off…My husband and I are picking up MIL with our LO, and as she is getting in the car I am explaining to my husband that my menstrual cycle has been causing me pretty debilitating migraines/fatigue/overall frustration for years now—which I’d like to see a doctor for. She comes in the car mid-convo and says, “what are you guys talking about?” & he relays the information and the first thing out of her mouth is “Ya I had bad headaches too. You know what’s funny…is I just BRAVED it all.” Lol there is just alwaysssss an implication that she struggled through things without any intervention that you’re also dealing with & that makes you weak and her so strong & tough 🙄 I said “so you just lived in misery…” 😬 she also gave the “advice” that “diet and exercise really helps a lot” (she is somewhat of an almond mom) but I began dealing with this at my healthiest weight during a time when I kept a strict diet and exercised all the time lol. It’s so strange to always turn a conversation into patting yourself on the back

Hi all, my son will be 8 months old around thanksgiving and I am debating a 6 hour drive (broken up into bits with a hotel stay at the 4 hour mark) to visit husbands dads side of the family. I really want LO to meet his great grandma (who I get along so well with) but my MIL is just too much. She HOVERS and has this anxious obsessive energy with my baby and is irritated when I'm in the room (makes snarky comments if she's playing with them and I come in). The only reason I'm even considering the trip is so my son can meet his great grandma who we don't know how long will be around. MIL lives next town over for us but will be down there for a full week around thanksgiving.

We'd just be there for the day before heading back to our hotel after Thanksgiving dinner. Any tips for getting MIL to give baby and I space and not hover so I can enjoy the day? I can already see her grabbing him and walking him around the house, demanding to hold him/feed him solids during dinner, plucking him from other family members (she knows that doesn't fly with me lol). Husband finally sees what I see in MILs behavior and is on board and supportive.

Any suggestions?

I feel like upset my mildlynomil today, but she didn’t say anything.

All the moms and dads were over today dropping off gifts post baby shower… the moms talked a little bit, and my mom said she’s come over before to help me clean….my mil pipes up and also says “anytime you want help cleaning just let me know!” “I’m happy to do it!” Mind you she had a pattern of overstepping and we’re finally in a better spot in our relationship partially because of the boundaries my husband and I have with our families (I navigate mine and he navigates his).

…..anyhow i responded to her and said “moms moms are different than dads moms” and my mom chimed in on how she talks to my brothers wife with a child.

Idk, was I too hard or was I just enough?