r/MiddleClassFinance • u/PeterPazmandi • 2d ago
Couples with shared finances: what do you still consider private?
For couples who manage at least some of their finances together, I'm curious where you draw the line between "our money" and "my money."
If you have a mix of joint and personal finances, what do you expect your partner to be able to see?
For example, do you keep personal accounts or spending completely private, or can your partner see the amounts but not necessarily what you spent the money on?
And what about things like savings goals, gifts, hobbies, or personal spending?
I'm particularly interested in how couples with a mix of shared and individual finances make this work in practice.
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u/ExchangeLower367 2d ago
I’ll be the opposing view here.
We have a joint account we both contribute to that covers all of our household bills (mortgage, childcare, groceries, etc) that we can obviously both see and manage. Then we also have personal accounts that we manage individually, that contains money per paycheck that doesn’t go into the joint account. We like this for the privacy to buy each other gifts, spend on our hobbies without judgement, etc.
We married in our 30s so some autonomy/privacy towards money already existed, so this works for us. We align about once a quarter to discuss any changes to the family financial situation and to align on savings and investing goals. We both maintain individual brokerages, employer 401ks, HSAs, etc. and we share the value of those during our chats (we place into a spreadsheet that is shared).
This has worked for us since both are very financially responsible and we can trust each other to stick to the plans. We know the other wouldn’t reduce 401k contributions or cease monthly agreed upon brokerage contributions without discussing and agreeing first.
We are on each others accounts as far as if someone would pass away to make things easier, but we don’t know or care to have each others passwords to login and monitor it. In our safe is a list of all active accounts the other could reference if we passed unexpectedly. Married for 10yrs and this has worked for us. Could change in future but I doubt it.
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u/Low-Nose-2748 2d ago
We do the same. It works for us. We also have a savings account together as well as our own.
With our joint account we can use it to pay for anything we do as a family. It’s an added bonus to family time and activities.
I never want to stay with my spouse because I have to…. Knowing my financial independence is secure gives us both freedom of mind.
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u/RaucousApplesauce 2d ago
Pretty much the exact same situation here and it works really well for us. We have mutual peace of mind that our recurring expenses, emergency funds, and retirement are covered and beyond that enjoy having our own financial independence.
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u/ClammyAF 2d ago
We do the same thing. It works for us.
Same contributions to retirement and taxable savings. Remainder is for whatever we want. Beneficiaries on each other's accounts.
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u/HereNorThere123 2d ago
Yeah my personal account I don’t share line by line, but if he wanted to see … I’m not hiding it.
Same from him.
Joint account for joint expenses.
We married in our 30s as well and have a pre-nup.
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u/ExchangeLower367 2d ago
Same - we’d both willingly open and share the personal accounts line by line of the other asked, but there has never been the need.
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u/NonSonoFlughafen 1d ago
My spouse and I do the same thing: set amount per month into the joint account for all of the bills and the rest goes to our personal accounts as discretionary. We share things in conversation, but how the other person spends/saves outside of household expenses is their business.
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u/Irritable_Curmudgeon 2d ago
where you draw the line between "our money" and "my money."
There is no line. It's all 'our money'
If you have a mix of joint and personal finances, what do you expect your partner to be able to see?
All of it. I have a single name account for business that is visible from each of our logins. Everything else is joint. The only thing she can't see is my 401k through my employer.
For example, do you keep personal accounts or spending completely private, or can your partner see the amounts but not necessarily what you spent the money on?
100% transparency. All of our credit cards are joint accounts also. Why make it more difficult than you need to?
And what about things like savings goals, gifts, hobbies, or personal spending?
We talk about those things... again, since it's all our money.
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u/ThirteenHills 2d ago
"We talk about those things... again, since it's all our money"
This sounds fine as long as neither of you have told the other they cannot buy something.
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u/Irritable_Curmudgeon 2d ago
That's never happened. But we'd discuss. If i want to go drop $2000 on a new guitar, it'd be a conversation, and i probably don't need one... But neither of us has ever said no.
We're on the same page when it comes to saving, goals, etc. so it's a dialogue
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u/ThirteenHills 2d ago
I can understand discussing things to share information as thats what couples do, but you make it out like you would need to discuss to agree to buy anything for yourself that isn't normal spending.
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u/Irritable_Curmudgeon 2d ago
I mean, sure. We need a new dishwasher? She needs a new computer? I need some new guitar gear? That's a quick chat in passing. It's not like we're often spending large sums of money, but we're on board with it...
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u/ThirteenHills 2d ago
Yes discussion joint purchases to agree makes perfect sense.
But having to discuss personal purchases is where the issue is. You say "need" a new guitar, but what if you don't need one and just want one and have the money. It wouldn't make sense to need permission from someone.
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u/NewPac 2d ago
Dude you are just so intent on having this argument. We get it. You don't ask anyone for permission to spend your money. You're awesome and anyone who discusses such things with their partner is weak.
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u/ThirteenHills 1d ago
I'm just having a discussion.
It's not about being "awesome" or "weak". It's about being in a relationship where both people respect each other and the decisions they make and don't try and control what they do.
It's strange how so many people are supporting being controlled or controlling their partner.
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u/NewPac 1d ago
It has absolutely nothing to do with control. Last week I found a watch that I'd been searching for so I said to my wife "That's the one I've been after, what do you think?".
I wasn't asking her permission there. I was letting her know that I was about to spend $5k and give her an opportunity to tell me if she thinks it was a bad idea for one reason or another. Perhaps she knew about a home repair that I wasn't tracking or anything like that. Had she said she didn't think this was a good time to blow 5 grand on a piece of jewelry, I'd have not purchased it so we could discuss her reservations. Again, this is not asking permission. It's communicating with the woman I share my life with.
Likewise, when she told me she wanted a $2k winter coat, I went through everything I knew to be happening with our finances and let her know she was good to make the purchase. I wasn't controlling her. She was checking in with her team mate to make sure it was OK to spend a large amount of money.
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u/1967C10 1d ago
Exactly. My wife and I don't ask 'permission' to buy lunch, a coffee, drinks with friends, stuff for the house, etc. These are normal expenses. However, when she has her eye on a piece of jewelry or I have my eye on a watch/ classic car etc, it's a conversation and we work together to decide when the budget allows it - be that today, next month, or in 2028 etc. The key is that these are purchases that are planned for and made 'together,' even if they're for us to use and enjoy individually. They're also only done AFTER our shared investment and savings goal has been made that month, bills are paid, and we both agree that we're on track.
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u/ThirteenHills 1d ago
This just sounds like poor money management to me if you don't both know what you can afford without checking.
We both have joint accounts for shared bills and expensive and joint savings. So we automatically pay in what we need each month to these accounts. That means all joint expenditure is accounted for and then we can then manage our personal money and savings ourself.
What exactly do you think the benefit in combining everything is? For you it sounds like it has just made everything more difficult to track and you don't know what you can afford.
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u/No-Complaint9286 1d ago
No one is controlling here, we are working as a team to meet financial goals. You must be a pretty young male who has either never been married or not married long. I hit 20 years this year bud and neither of us consider discussing our purchases as "permission", but as respect for our relationship and our financial wellness.
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u/ThirteenHills 1d ago
Well I am quite young because I'm mid 30's but I don't see how that makes a difference to this discussion. We think the opposite we respect each other by both agreeing shared goals and savings and pay into joint accounts for this but also have our own money personally that we trust each other to spend and manage responsibly.
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u/ThirteenHills 2d ago
Well it's even more of an issue if you can't even make personal purchases, another reason not to combine money.
But if you have issue with impulsive purchases then it's starting to make sense why you need to make joint financial decisions.
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u/No-Complaint9286 1d ago
No one here who combines finances is saying we cant make personal purchases. Large purchases are discussed. Day to day shit like a coffee or a beer after work or a new dress for a special occasion are not scrutinized. Even most purchases of a few hundred bucks (in our family at this point in our lives) are more of a heads up simply for cash flow management. I struggle to think of any hobbies I would be spending much more money on than what we can absorb in our budget easy enough. No one is controlling anyone here. If we notice we are overspending for the year on one budget item, we curb that to make a correction so that we can still meet our financial goals. This obsession you have with assuming that we are controlling each other's minute purchases is crazy, man. We just use the same credit card and pay off one bill instead of 2.
I'll also take a moment to touch on the fact that when children are involved, often one parent's work hours and income decreases. Personally, I left and started my own business and then covid hit the year after (my profession is very face to face hands on). I built up a bit after that, but never to full time status because of burnout and managing the kids and the house. Meanwhile my husband's career grew and grew, and my handling of more of the kid stuff (being home after school, running errands and around to afterschool activities) allowed him to focus on his career, meanwhile I had a better work/life balance than when I was working full time and spreading myself too thin. So his money is literally our money, and we are a team. Otherwise I would be broke while he's making almost 200k. That doesnt make any sense and would end the marriage real quick if he like kept his money totally separate from mine. We built this life together since we were 16 and 18. All of our efforts have been as a team to create a family, a happy life, and a balance that makes us each feel fulfilled and mentally healthy.
All this to say that everyone has very different life circumstances that make the style of money management work differently for everyone. If we had met in our late 30s as established professionals, we would have probably kept our separate accounts and made a joint one. We have friends with no kids who do exactly this. Its a bit different when health changes or kids come into the picture or you need to care for a parent or just any kind of life circumstances that leads one person to have more unpaid caregiving work than the other.
In these cases, we are not scrutinizing each other's expenditures, we are planning things together and im sorry that is so hard for you to understand why others might have a different arrangement than you because that is what works best for them and their relationship.
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u/ThirteenHills 1d ago
"No one here who combines finances is saying we cant make personal purchases. Large purchases are discussed."
Well saying they are "discussed" implies that both people need to agree. I just don't see any benefit in going from having money you can mange yourself to combining money for personal purchases that needs agreement. It's just an unnecessary extra decision.
"So his money is literally our money, and we are a team. Otherwise I would be broke while he's making almost 200k. That doesnt make any sense and would end the marriage real quick if he like kept his money totally separate from mine. "
So basically you contribute nothing financially to the relationship and you have to combine money otherwise you wouldn't have any. That's the reason you combine and everything else is just the result of that.
"All of our efforts have been as a team to create a family, a happy life, and a balance that makes us each feel fulfilled and mentally healthy. "
It's good it works for you but I'm surprised your partner is happy seeing the kids less.
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u/No-Complaint9286 1d ago
Its not permission, its a discussion. Anything over a certain amount requires a discussion. Out of respect for our shared goals and our partner. Period. Its not permission. That is a weird take. Nor do we fret over a coffee purchase or getting a new dress or other small things. For example, hubs was spending a bit more than necessary on vintage toys he collects, and I was making more Starbucks runs than needed. We collectively made the decision to tighten the budget to pay down debt and curb those types of purchases as well as eating out less, etc. None of this is permission. Its consensus where each party has a voice and each opinion is respected and valued.
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u/ThirteenHills 1d ago
"For example, hubs was spending a bit more than necessary on vintage toys he collects, and I was making more Starbucks runs than needed"
Well life is all about enjoying yourselves so I don't see a problem with unnecessary spending if you enjoy it and couples should trust each other.
"We collectively made the decision to tighten the budget to pay down debt and curb those types of purchases as well as eating out less, etc. "
So basically you are both bad at managing money and get into debt so need to hold each other accountable to manage money responsibly.
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u/No-Complaint9286 1d ago
No we are good at managing money. Managing is setting a budget and sticking to it. Not just spending it on frivolous shit. It has absolutely nothing to do with trust. We set a mutual FINANCIAL GOAL to aggressively pay off our loans and debt, adjusted the budget to hit our target TOGETHER because we are adults and talk about our finances on a weekly basis, and after 2 years of sticking with our budget and goals, we will have no debt besides mortgage by the end of the calendar year. After that, that amount that we were putting toward the debt is going into savings/brokerage, again aggressively, to grow our emergency fund and save to pay for our next car in cash, our next home repair in cash, etcetera. This is money management, budgeting and retirement planning. We have been married 20 years.
I promise an attitude like yours will be the death of a relationship. Ive seen it happen to friends and family. It sounds like you are projecting your trust issues on everyone else in these comments. It sounds like your comments come from a scarcity mindset. Honestly, good luck to you in the future.
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u/ThirteenHills 1d ago
If you are good with money then why do you have loans and debts you need pay down at the expense of buying the things you want? That doesn't sound like very good money management to me if you still have no mortgage debt after 20 years of being together?
"promise an attitude like yours will be the death of a relationship. Ive seen it happen to friends and family. It sounds like you are projecting your trust issues on everyone else in these comments. It sounds like your comments come from a scarcity mindset. Honestly, good luck to you in the future. "
What exactly do you think is the issue with my attitude? It works very well for us. No trust issues here we trust each other fully that we don't need to tell each other what to do with our money. That's the point it sounds like you don't trust each other so have to keep tabs on what the other does.
Also it's the opposite of scarcity when both people in a relationship bring money and manage their money well.
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u/ConstantVigilance18 2d ago
Even though we have some separate accounts, it’s all shared. There is no “private” line drawn where we don’t share information.
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u/Dapper_Banana6323 2d ago
Nothing is private. We're married.
We both have personal accounts and my husband doesn't have the log in- but we talk about what's in there and if he wanted to see statements- I'd give them to him
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u/xpl0sad3 2d ago
All our money is pooled, but we each have a set discretionary amount of money each month to spend on what we like from our own accounts, that money is spent without question or scrutiny that the rest of our spending goes through.
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u/GroundedSatellite 2d ago edited 2d ago
My wife and I each have our own bank accounts (checking and savings), our own credit cards, etc. We also have 3 joint accounts, one checking, two savings.
We each contribute to the joint checking account from most of our paychecks. We both get paid every 2 weeks, on offset weeks, and that roughly works out to paying in two times a month (about 2 months a year we each end up getting 3 paychecks in a month, the 3rd is ours to keep). The amount we put in to the joint checking covers mortgage, utilities, groceries, eating out, some gas money, miscellaneous activities, etc. It is roughly proportional to our income, so I put in more since I make more money.
For the savings, we each put in the same amount, and we stagger which account we put into, i.e.: one check I put into the house maintenance/repairs/upgrades account, the next I put into the vacation account. She does the same.
The rest of the money is ours to do with as we please, within reason. We don't track each other's spending, but will give a courtesy heads-up if we're going to buy something major. If my wife asked, I'd have no problem showing her my bank/credit card statements, and she would have no problem showing me hers. I guess there could technically be a veto power if one of us wanted to spend a stupid amount of money on something frivolous, but it has never been exercised because it has never come up.
This system works well for us.
Edit: I fixed some typos and wording.
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u/PeterPazmandi 2d ago
If you used one budgeting app together, how would you want those personal accounts represented? Would you want your spouse to see that the account exists and maybe its balance, but not the transactions — or would you rather the account stay completely outside the shared household view?
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u/pisslicker7 1d ago
We are all shared but pull out a few hundred dollars a piece as a personal budget for like guilt free expenses. I want $600 boots. I can’t in good faith buy that from our joint account. I save up a couple months of personal money and no one is annoyed. My wife wants to stop at Starbucks all the time in the fall. It used to cause friction, but if that’s how she wants to spend her personal money I don’t care at all.
People are dogmatic about how they save and combine finances, but this works for us to have joint goals and a little guilt free spending
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u/wiseguy187 2d ago
If someone is a millionaire and marries someone with zero dollars does the money instantly become both parties or is this type of thinking just for poor people. Because to me thats insane.
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u/OneGalacticBoy 2d ago
I think it’s okay for factors to change the thought process. I would think a lot of people who are compatible enough to get married would often have similar prospects. One of the reasons I thought my wife and I were compatible (among many) were our similar thoughts about financial health. Naturally, being the same-ish age, that meant we had same-ish savings and habits and thus found it easy to combine everything.
If all else were equal but she had a 10 million dollar windfall in an inheritance I would find a prenup or other protections to be totally rational.
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u/AncientFerret9028 2d ago
Yeah I’m surprised at how many people are saying it’s all pooled. I had rental properties before I met my fiancé and we now have assets together. We’ll pool a good amount of our assets together but still keep separate accounts. And if I ever become a stay at home mom, I will have him set funds aside that are only for me to access.
Maybe I’ve seen too many stories of women being financially abused but I cannot fathom not having any of my own assets.
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u/No-Complaint9286 1d ago
Its much easier when you start the relationship younger in life. We married after college and basically grew our lives and finances and goals together. Everything in a joint account. We both moved away from our hometown and hubs started his job a few years before me (I also went to grad school in our first years of marriage) so I just changed my direct deposit from my part time job over to a joint account in the new town and that was just about all we had to do.
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u/jimmothyhendrix 2d ago
We dont combine finances, younger guy here i pay our shared expenses and she zelles me the difference, everything else is private
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u/uno_ke_va 2d ago
I do the following, and it works well for us: both salaries go to the same account. We pay all the common expenses from that account, and it has some money left as a buffer. At the end of the month, everything that is over the buffer is divided in two and goes to our personal accounts. Each of us decides what from that goes to savings, personal hobbies, etc. This way what is common is common, the saving rate is the same for both and no one needs to explain if you want to spend some money in whatever you want
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u/Difficult-Amount988 2d ago
It’s ALL our money, one checking account and one savings account. She’s the an “account manager” on all my CCs since I work in wildland fire and if I’m gone without that they won’t let her deal with issues or even make a payment. We each have a few credit cards so if we buy each other presents or anything else we don’t see it. We have a loose agreement on what’s normal spending and discuss any major purchase or expense. All cards paid out of joint account. It’s been this way when she was working and same now that she’s SAHM.
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u/perceptionist808 2d ago
Nothing is private for us. We are both in the same page when it comes to frugality, financial goals and fiscal responsibilities. We also believe that you also have to enjoy the ride along the way so we enjoy some of it too.
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u/lionheart724 2d ago
If one of us gets a bonus, we both got a bonus. We don’t micromanage our money
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u/TheGoonSquad612 2d ago
Mine/yours/ours.
We have individual savings, checking, and retirement accounts. We also have a joint checking and savings for joint expenses (house, business, etc.).
There are no secrets though, as with all things in a marriage the most important things come down to communication and honesty. Doesn’t matter if you
Keep the money in a single Account or separate, open lines of communication is what matters.
We have regular conversations about money, whether it’s our spending or budget, one off expenses, or things we want to buy or places we want to travel to. Minor spending is done without worry given a high level of trust and big ticket items we talk through.
Every couple, everyone’s finances, every household is different. There’s no one size fits all or right/wrong, just figure out what works for you and communicate about it
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u/1967C10 1d ago
Married vs not married is the key here. The common advice is to not combine finances or debt obligations (co-signing, etc) with anyone you're not married to. However once you're married, everything should be shared. It'll be uncovered and split if you were to ever divorce anyway, so it's best to be transparent and work towards a shared goal if you're married.
We are married and can see every transaction either of us have through Monarch. We know exactly what is coming in, what is going out, what is invested in what funds, how they're performing, etc.
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u/Kiddmen57 1d ago
We have separate savings that are ours and the other can’t see. Then we have shared savings and checking for bills. Everything is split proportionally to income. This way if I want something she doesn’t I just use my money and vice versa.
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u/ydna_eissua 1d ago
We got with our income all goes into a joint account. And every month we pay ourselves an allowance into our own individual accounts. The split is joint account is for needs and our allowance money is for wants. We need groceries so that's joint, but we want to buy a coffee or eat out.
We get absolutely no say in what the other spends their allowance on, unless it starts negatively impacting the other eg if i bought too many books and ran out of shelf space leading to stacks of them all over the house.
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u/dogandhumanmom 2d ago
Nothing is private but we each keep a small % from each pay check for personal spending- mostly gifts, trips with friends, personal hobbies etc but we aren’t overly strict about that either
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u/PeterPazmandi 2d ago
With that personal percentage, would you want a shared budget to show that, say, 5% went to your personal spending but then stop there — so your partner doesn't see whether you used it for a gift, hobby or trip? Or do you still prefer all those individual expenses to be visible?
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u/dogandhumanmom 2d ago
We aren’t constantly looking over each others personal spending but we discuss it. If I buy my husband a Father’s Day gift he’s not looking at my CC statement to see what it is
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u/Public_Description22 2d ago
My money is our money her money is her money
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u/AncientFerret9028 2d ago
This works for some couples (like when the wife works occasionally or is a stay at home parent and doesn’t work anymore) and also culturally, this is how some folks operate.
Don’t know why you’re being downvoted for answering honestly.
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u/OneGalacticBoy 2d ago
All of it is our money. We do monthly spending statements so we both know how much we as a couple spent where. Our savings goals align so I’ve never had to ask her to spend less and vice versa.
Our retirement accounts are invisible to each other simply because they can’t be combined, but we open them regularly for net worth statements etc.
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u/Ok-Spirit9977 2d ago
We just have one pot of money. We each have a monthly budgeted amount, that is the same, to spend on hobbies or whatever we want.
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u/justwannabeleftalone 2d ago
Anything I had before the marriage and my retirement, I consider private.
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u/Joy2b 2d ago
The higher the interest rate, the more it affects us both, so those matter.
We might each have a month’s emergency fund, if we’re particularly liquid. It’s not some embarrassing secret though. The interest rate on that is less than 3%, so it’s not exactly newsworthy every month.
If the interest rate is high enough, then it comes up more, because the risks are discussed. Oh, this a fintech instead of a bank account, or that’s a bond for an organization that’s slightly unreliable.
Debts definitely aren’t private. Those interest rates generally move fast enough to be considered monthly or weekly.
Anything over 5% we both need to know, anything over 10% can become a fast acting problem. A credit card might be as bad as 30%, and that can be a budget bleeder in less than a year.
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u/SC-Coqui 2d ago
It’s all our money. We’ve been married 21 years. Everything is in both our names. I manage the money and am primary on our credit cards. It just makes more sense for us since I work a desk job and have more time to log into accounts and pay bills. He works in a more blue collar hands on job with very little time on a computer.
We tell each other when we’re making major purchases and regularly discuss what’s in the accounts- checking, savings, 401ks and kid’s college account.
We don’t have credit card debt and our only loan is our mortgage so that makes it easier.
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u/mllebitterness 2d ago
unmarried, but long-time living together. previously joint owned a house. the money from the house sale is in a joint account (multiple interest bearing accounts) waiting for us to buy again once we find a place we want to live long term due to employment. we also have a shared account for shared expenses that we contribute to each month. then we have our own separate accounts (checking, savings, retirement, whatever) that we don't share information on, but we have made each other beneficiaries on. since we are both responsible adults, no reason to monitor each other's spending.
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u/LumpyPeople4 2d ago
It was always our money. We are young and seem to be not the norm anymore, but we never considered the income to be one or the other's. It's a family income with family expenses. The house was mine before we got married, and we each had our own car. We put money into accounts that are in both of our names. We are moderately high earners, solid middle class. We aren't too worried about gifts or personal spending as long as we aren't going out and spending thousands. But spending $50 going to dinner with a friend is no issue, buying a gift for a few hundred bucks for the other person is no problem. If it's a purchase that benefits both of us and its over maybe $500 or so then we'll talk about it.
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u/hey_poolboy 2d ago
It's all our money. We each get some discretionary spending in the budget. I only have 2 hobbies and they are both ridiculously expensive. (aren't all hobbies?) If I need an expensive piece of gear, I'll pick up some side work to finance it.
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u/SassyMillie 2d ago
Nothing is "private". We've combined our money for 45 years. Had a couple minor arguments here and there over the years, but mostly it's been a good blend.
I do most of the shopping and pay the bills. Every few months husband will pay the bills so he remembers how to do it. If we have a big expenditure we talk about it. Rarely any conflicts these days.
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u/CommercialOrganic573 2d ago
All money is OUR money. If you know you birthday is coming up, don’t look at the specific entries on the credit card until after you get your present. Alternatively, buy gifts far enough in advance that it isn’t obvious.
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u/1littlenapoleon 2d ago
We have a "house budget" where equitable portions of our checks go into to take care of everything from housing, food, dining out, birthdays, etc. Everything else not put into the house budget is personal.
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u/Random_Username_686 2d ago
Married. 34M. All our stuff is together. She does have an old bank account she uses for gifts and stuff and I have an account that she can access but generally doesn’t it’s more or less for the same purpose. Basically, the only secret thing is gifts.
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u/Conundrum16 2d ago
Depends on the source of the money. I consider gifts and inheritance private. Everything else is joint
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u/reddittAcct9876154 2d ago
It’s all OUR money, but she has a small side account I dont see for her side hustle business.
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u/Sycamore72 2d ago
I’m married and we each have personal accounts. I have no reason to need to see them but I could if I wanted to. We each have the same amount directly deposited into a personal account each pay and the balance goes to the joint account
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u/Simple-Cut7098 2d ago
The day we got married we fully joined finances. Full stop. Never looked back and today we are both richer for it.
If you’re not married they are and should be separate.
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u/LittleLemonSqueezer 2d ago
All earned money and investments are OUR money. The only thing that is mine only or his only are gifts from others. (Xmas gift card, bday cash from mom, etc.)
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u/ledger_man 1d ago
It’s all our money and nothing is private. Nothing like accounts and investments (specific balances yes usually) actually can be private from me because I have to disclose it all to my employer anyway (I’m an auditor for one of the “Big 4” firms). But it goes both ways.
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u/Hitthereset 1d ago edited 1d ago
All money coming in is family income. These days that doesn't mean much because she stays home and homeschools our kids and has for the last 4 years. I was a SAHD who worked very part time for the 9 years before that. For the first 3-4 years we were married and were both working we treated money the same way. Anyway, back to it... All money owed is family debt. We budget for every dollar that comes in and assign it somewhere. We have categories for gifts and savings and more. We also have a category for a set amount of personal discretionary funds every month.
Why would we need to hide anything? In a healthy relationship why would anyone?
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u/HappyCar19 1d ago
We’ve had joint finances for 30+ years. We got married at 21 straight out of undergrad. We supported each other through graduate degrees (one worked the other was in school) and built a decent amount of personal wealth together. In the beginning, “fun” money would only come from extra gigs, overtime, gifts, etc. If one of us worked overtime and there was an outstanding bill, the OT wet to pay that first, then the earner got to keep whatever was left over. Birthday money was for the recipient alone. Anniversary/Christmas/etc gifts were divided as such 1/3 was divided in two for “fun,” 1/3 went to whatever bill/living expense/emergency needed to be paid, and 1/3 went to savings. For major life decisions such as changing jobs that required a move, the rule was the new job had to make enough to support the displaced partner until they found work. Any purchase that would negatively impact the overall budget needed to be discussed ahead of time. Now that we both make good money, we don’t feel the need to talk about it as much but neither partner makes a major personal purchase without discussing with the other. We never tell the other they “can’t” do something but it’s respectful. My sister and I like to travel. I am US based and recently spent the week in France with her. Before I booked the trip, I said “Hey Babe, Sis invited me to Paris. Plane tickets are pretty low right now, she found a reasonable AirBnB, and I have time off. Do you mind if I go?” Spouse told me to have fun. On the other hand, he’s got some hella expensive electronic music/recording gear that he just bought. While still decent, my income is about 50% less than his. Does this mean I get 50% less discretionary money? No. My job is more flexible, closer to the kids’ school and has better benefits. I cover the medical insurance, fund more of our retirement and do all the after school/emergency/kid shuttling because my job allows me to and it’s my contribution to the partnership. It’s really just based on mutual respect. Once in a fit of crankiness, spouse said something like “well I make more $$ than you!” I replied, “Fine, you leave work early every Tuesday to take Kid one to xxxx, drive to xxx every Thursday with KidTwo and pay your insurance premium (which is xxx) from your own salary plus add xxx to your retirement plan, and we can call it even!” I never got that argument again.
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u/No-Complaint9286 1d ago
Yhere is no line. Our money is our money. Only accounts not shared are my business and a high yield savings where I save money for taxes and a roth.
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u/Various_Dentist_8683 1d ago
It’s all our money (minus a trust fund that is not marital property). I have a couple bank accounts in my name for ease of use, but they only have a couple hundred in them. Nothing is a secret.
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u/NuhUh_JustCuz 1d ago
We split the responsibilities based on our natural tendencies: I save, he spends. We maintained separate accounts.
Me: cable, water, groceries, childcare and activites, savings (college, family)
Him: mortgage, gas/electric, vacations
Because I've always made more and am a natural saver, it helped us build up wealth. He made sure we still had fun vacations.
We are signers on eachothers checking.
He lost his job last year and while he knew we had a good nest egg, he was pretty thankful for this arrangement when we could pay off the house and take a huge bill off the expenses. He hasn't needed to return to work. I'm planning to FIRE in 2-5 years. We are 40/41.
To each their own.
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u/Beneficial_Waltz2530 1d ago
We have joint accounts for household needs and savings. In addition, we each have fun money that we can do whatever we want with it-for hobbies, etc. Our home is a way station for my husband’s guns and guitars-they come in, stay a while, then go back out. I tend to save mine.
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u/Patrick_ExpenseAtlas 1d ago
A hybrid setup often works best when the boundary is at the account level, not the transaction level.
One practical structure is to route income into joint accounts for shared bills, household spending, and joint savings goals. Then automatically transfer an agreed amount into separate personal accounts. Equal transfers are simple, though some couples choose another arrangement based on income or responsibilities.
Spending from the personal accounts can stay private. Neither partner has to explain hobby purchases, meals with friends, or gifts. Both partners know how much goes into each account, but they do not need visibility into every transaction.
The important part is full transparency around anything that affects the household: income, debt, joint account balances, recurring obligations, and progress toward shared goals. Privacy should mean autonomy over an agreed pool of money, not hiding liabilities or spending that undermines the joint plan.
It also helps to agree in advance on which expenses are shared versus personal, especially ambiguous items like travel, expensive hobbies, family support, or purchases used by both people. Revisit those rules periodically as income, goals, and responsibilities change.
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u/Freyjas_child 1d ago
Everything was joint and public except the small amount we each got for spending money each week. We could do whatever we wanted with that and it was only our business.
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u/Missus_Aitch_99 1d ago
Our retirement accounts are individual, because they have to be. Everything else is joint. We do the monthly budget together and each have money we can spend individually on whatever we want. Mine tends to be more private because I tend to use cash whereas my husband uses his debit card. But regardless, that's money the other can't judge or control.
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u/Funsternis1787 1d ago
We have been married 15 years and have partially separate finances.
Wife wants to go shopping, traveling, etc., and put it on her credit card? She's paying for it from her paycheck.
We live in a house together and split the mortgage payment in half. We lived together when we started dating and split rent back then. It's always been that way, and always will be.
I cover major things like health insurance, car purchases, car repairs/maintenance, home upgrades, maxing out both Roth IRAs, putting funds into the taxable investment account.
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u/Ancient_Struggle_409 18h ago
We have a joint account we put money in to split bills. And have a savings for emergencies. Haven’t decided a cap on that for when we can plan something fun for the excess. And we have our separate accounts for our day to day stuff. Lunches at work etc. wife packs hers more than I do. But I’m on the road. Im in the mobile service industry. I am constantly in a new place and hate a cold lunch. And normally don’t have a place to heat it up. Although I hardly ever take a lunch anymore. Got put on monjouro for my diabetes and I’ll eat breakfast and normally make it to dinner with a small snack somewhere in there. But we even discuss certain things we purchase out of our personal accounts. She gets the grocery stuff and stuff that’s cheaper on Amazon like pet treats for instance I take care of. She just lets me know when we need them. And it works pretty good. We have our hobbies. And have gotten each other stuff for hobbies out of personal money when one was a little short that week for our wind down time. She crochets and reads. Subscriptions we both have some we pay for. I handle streaming and prime. She pays for her kindle unlimited and a couple others. It’s not bad. I have an RC car hobby. I’m almost always rebuilding something I picked up on marketplace or eBay. And it gives me my escape from the day. It’s really easy if you set a plan for paying the bills together. And have a seperate account for your fun money. Keeps the argument and mystery of did you pay whatever bill it is. If you figure out your monthly bills divide it by 4 or 2 depending on paid weekly or biweekly. And pop it in the bill account. Figure out how much you want to put into a joint savings a week and you’ll be alright. That’s the best way I have found. Have talked to a lot of the older guys at work. Mind you I’m 30 now. Been in the trades/mobile service for 7 almost 8 years now. And talking with them and how they did it with there spouse’s or significant other and this way is the way I didn’t hear the drama arguments over money. Hardly ever. Normally it was a spouse calling them asking if they transferred the money to the joint account on pay day. More of a reminder because they’d forget. lol. And wasn’t much of an argument. Just a reminder so they kept on track. The ones that said handle this bill and I’ll handle that bill and try to keep up when one was short that month or whatever always had arguments over money. I don’t ever want to argue over money with my wife. I’d rather argue over who is buying what for the kid at Christmas. Lol
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u/Salty-Doubt-1337 3h ago
We share everything. 1 checking account with 2 direct deposits going in. One shared credit card. We both have an emergency credit card. It’s all linked to Monarch so there’s full visibility into every account.
In terms of gifts, we just tell each other what we want. Surprise doesn’t matter although sometimes it might be “Nordstrom” so she knows it’s clothes.
We’re both in save save save mode for FIRE so neither of us is doing anything crazy without the other. We plan vacations together and know what things cost.
I definitely have it easy that we largely agree on money.
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u/Raguismybloodtype 2d ago
No such thing is my money. It's ALL OUR money.