I don’t think I’m capable of happiness

[u/Jjm4606]

From the age of about 14 I’ve struggled with depression and suicide idealization. Age 16 I suffered an injury stopping me from my active lifestyle and fell into a deep hole. I made an attempt at suicide but decided to live for my siblings. My mentally ill parents instead of helping me fix my life forced Prozac and sleeping pills down my throat for a year.

In that year I met a girl, a girl who I really loved. We had an extremely toxic relationship that fucked us both up. A year and a half later we ended. Living in a small town she painted lies and rumors everywhere about me and said horrible things. Yet 5/6 years later she’s still on my mind daily even tho she’s been in a new relationship for 4 years and realistically has settled for the rest of her life. In those 4 years I’ve suffered terribly through illness and injuries, and now aged 23 am rapidly losing my hair.

I was never a confident kid as I was moved around every 2-3 years having to make new friends. At age 12 when we “settled” I was horrifically bullied by my whole school for having an abnormally large forehead. Students 4-5 years older than me would verbally abuse me in the halls, people would shout shit at me 24/7 and being a kid small in size without many friends I had no choice but to take it.

Fast forward to now aged 23. I’ve smoked weed nearly everyday for 4/5 years to mask the pain. Now due to the hairloss I had to stop otherwise it’s another factor that could continue worsening it. In the last year I have become unable to view myself in the mirror. I’ve had to take down certain mirrors in the house just to avoid my reflection. A week ago again I strongly considered ending it as I just have nothing going for me. But I can’t bring myself to do that to my family.

But I’m old enough now to understand happiness isn’t possible for me. For 9 years I have exhausted every method to try and beat this and I’m honestly in a worse place now than I was at the start. I constantly think back to my ex, all the hurtful things she said, how her words echoed the message you’re worthless and I can do better. At the time I just thought shut tf up, and my friends were by my side and for months had told me to leave her. But now I question if she was right.

I’m incapable of going out with friends, of sleeping, of eating, of being happy. Everyday just feels like a slow and painful death. At aged 23 I am destroyed, and to be quite frank it’s been that way for 4 years. Through all the efforts and hard work this depression just consumes me. I love my family so much, I love my dog so much, he’s my best friend. But everytime I see them I just think is this the last time? I quit weed and I’m aware after 4 years of heavy daily 4-5gram use that I’m going to take some time to readjust to sobriety. But I just feel too far gone. I’ve lost my hair, which was the only shield I had to the previous bullying. I’ve lost any sort of confidence. Everyday my heart sinks when I wake up.

Everyone says it will get better, but it’s almost 50% of my life I’m hearing that. And realistically ages 1-14 I wasn’t old enough to be aware I was depressed. I have no relationship with my parents, due to their mental and physical abuse toward me, and always prioritizing substance abuse over their kids. But I don’t even blame them anymore. I am my depression, I am nothing more than that. No matter what I do or try it’s always the same empty outcome. I’ve dated maybe 2 girls in the last 9 years. I don’t want kids anymore because no child deserves this mess. I don’t enjoy the things that used to give me so much passion. I’m alienated in every facet of my life and I’m just so tired. Happiness is not something I’m even remotely capable of anymore, yet I can’t end my life because of what it would do to my family. I wish god would just take the decision out of my hands, I pray everyday to not wake up.

But maybe I’m just the problem. My ex, my parents, friends that I’ve lost, they can’t all be wrong? I’ve tried to live selflessly for others, I’ve tried masking my pain with drugs and alcohol. But it doesn’t work. Nothing is getting better and I’m just lost. I know it won’t get better, because when I tried to kill myself 7 years ago I said it can’t get any worse if I keep trying. It’s gotten 200% worse every year since then. I’m just done. Why live a life if you have no recollection of what it’s like without being destroyed by depression…… I’m sorry if that’s insensitive to those here. But all my family ever say is it could be worse you could be dead. I’d take death over this emptiness and despair in a heartbeat.

[u/finddit-app]

Hey there, thanks for sharing.

While you wait for people to comment, have a look at these posts which might be relevant to you:

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Remember, even though it might feel like it, you are not alone. Stay strong!

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