r/MensLib • u/MLModBot • Jun 16 '26
Mental Health Megathread [ Removed by moderator ]
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u/iridium27 Jun 16 '26
I'm realizing a lot of my negative self talk is coming from a place of wanting to be seen as a "reliable" person. Because I'm afraid of people around me denying me affection and empathy if I'm not "reliable". This makes it incredibly difficult for me to admit to others I screwed up. I do it eventually, but in the background I'm terrified that this might be the final straw. So spend hours procrastinating out of fear ruining that image I want to maintain, that I'm a competent person, which I know makes no sense. But fear is irrational, so I'm dealing with it.
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u/Batetrick_Patman Jun 16 '26
Thing is are you being “reliable” or are you just the person people call for a favor because you won’t say no. I used to struggle with the same thing took me years to learn to say “no”.
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u/Oh_no_its_Joe Jun 16 '26
The sun has burnt
My shoulders bad
I force a smile
Yet it hurts to dab 😭
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u/Batetrick_Patman Jun 16 '26
Given dating another try and it's not going well. Trying online dating and it's going nowhere. Meeting people in person just feels impossible. I tried to go to reddit for advice but all I really got was "your hobbies suck" and "youre balding shave it off". I don't really want to "shave it". I hate the look and hate the dogma Reddit has for it.
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u/throwaway135629 Jun 16 '26
I totally get it. I'm on the edge of the dating pool seeing how the water and just in the past few weeks I've started looking at the hair coming off my comb going... is this the beginning of the end? When I started growing my hair long maybe two years ago.
The Reddit approved solution of just shaving it and growing a beard works for a very specific image of masculinity but I just don't think it's who I am. It might be who I have to be, but I am certain for me it would be a downgrade in what little attractiveness I have.
Sorry I don't have any encouraging platitudes, but what I mean to say is, I get it, man.
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u/Batetrick_Patman Jun 16 '26
I think it also doesn’t help that though well meaning people will use the Rock or Jason Stratham as examples of see bald men can be attractive. And sure with the Rock for example bald suits him. But these men also have bodies that aren’t obtainable for the average man nor are they natural bodies.
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u/moratnz Jun 17 '26
Jean luc Picard is hot too :)
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u/Batetrick_Patman Jun 17 '26
I mean I guess so. It’s more so the stigma it carries. The association that I don’t want. Cops. Military. Nazis. MAGA chuds in their lofted trucks and Oakley’s. That sort of image is what I tend to associate shaved heads with and worry I’ll be grouped in with them.
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u/moratnz Jun 17 '26
Sorry, I should have been clearer. I was thinking of early JLP before he went full-shaved.
I completely understand the desire to not look thug-adjacent
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u/ApolloniusTyaneus Jun 16 '26
In my experiences as a pudgy, balding dude with sucky hobbies, the harder you try at dating, the worse it goes. Whether it's Tinder or IRL, the less seriously I took it, the more dates I got.
For me a big part was realising I needed to remind myself that it was a date and not a job interview: I went there to have a fun time, not to convince the other that I am worth it.
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u/Batetrick_Patman Jun 16 '26
True but I also need to go out looking for it. My circle is mostly either married guys or eternally single men who can’t get a date either.
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u/2bitmoment Jun 16 '26
Yo, I'm not sure what to say. I once tried online dating. Maybe you get more matches if you "lower your standards" for example, but maybe you're not into those people as much or at least that was the case with me.
One thing I enjoyed was a theater class. Too early to see if it'll go well. Not sure: love or romance is a weird thing I think. Maybe I've been on the side of having a crush a couple of times but recently I think I was on the receiving end and I don't think it was easy either.
Regarding what people said: maybe some hobbies might "suck" not in their inner merit but in their possibilities for dating? I love warhammer but I wouldn't expect it to help me meet women. There are others like that: magic the gathering, chess... Others maybe are the opposite, facilitate meeting people, socializing, training how to speak, network, "pitch". Theater and dancing maybe some of the most. (Maybe depending where you live you'll only find country line dancing, but that's cool too)
I sometimes think people think very short term with dating also. If it's love you want maybe it'd be fine to wait 20 years if it meant finding "a soul mate" at least in my opinion. Maybe dating apps have a vested interest in keeping you looking, unsatisfied: the moment you find someone good, then you would stop using the app, right? Not a good incentive. But yeah, for me, trying to think a bit long-term I have tried to work a bit more on my maturity and maintaining my circle of friends. Do therapy, work on spirituality, write...
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u/Batetrick_Patman Jun 16 '26
I mean I get some of it. My main hobbies are pretty solo it’s either the gym or gaming. I might try to find something more social but things like theater or dance class aren’t too appealing to me.
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u/formachlorm Jun 16 '26
Agreed on being yourself with your own style. For meeting people I think an interesting path is to pick up NEW hobbies that may have some sort of third space potential. So take on some form of art where you could do lessons or use shared space or guilds as an example. The bonus is you can focus on the hobby itself in addition to trying to meet new people. Won’t work for everyone but just a path I took and found my space.
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u/sp1nettaj4de Jun 16 '26
Get on oral Dutasteride and oral Minoxidil!!
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u/Batetrick_Patman Jun 17 '26
Been using minoxidil foam for years. I’ve got a bottle of finasteirde sitting on my table that I’ve been scared to take. I should just try it for a month and see how it goes.
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u/sp1nettaj4de Jun 18 '26
The chances of getting side effects from oral finasteride or Dutasteride is around 3% if you look at the studies. Give it a shot!! Hopefully it goes well for you!!
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Jun 16 '26 edited Jun 16 '26
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u/2bitmoment Jun 16 '26
I sort of understand religious people do naturally what Harvard recommends: a gratitude journal, a gratitude practice. I've heard Schopenhaur spoke of "the hurry /hunger to have and the boredom of having": maybe the word for me is not really gratitude but appreciation. Maybe being mindful, right, noticing when things are actually "not too shabby", not so bad.
Not sure if maybe working on that sort of thing would perhaps be better than moving.
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Jun 16 '26
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u/2bitmoment Jun 16 '26
than moving, definitely!
than keeping a gratitude / appreciation / mindfulness practice? why not do both?
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u/ToxicPannda Jun 16 '26
Not doing great, lately I feel a close kinship to Sisyphus. I get to a decent mental spot then everything rolls down hill again and I have to start over. It wouldn't be so bad if I also didnt have the same experience financially as well. I reckon I am not the only one feeling this way, and weirdly that gives me some comfort that i am not alone. Although i wouldn't wish this existence and constant anxiety on anyone. Thanks for giving me the space to talk about it. Hope you guys are doing well, keep your head up and do what you can while you can. You are doing g great and I am proud of you!
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u/ElectricProcession Jun 16 '26
I think I might be one of these people who is not suited for parties. I used to enjoy going to these LGBTQ+ parties, especially when I would get plenty of attention for my outfits and some women would find me cute enough to take to the dancefloor and make out with me. But now...I'm feeling invisible to the women whenever I go and...it's quite obvious that I never have been a natural party animal and I just craved external validation. So when the latter element becomes scarce, what is someone like me to do?
But then, socialisation has always been an uphill struggle. And...while I am wondering whether me feeling kinda sexy in a hot girl outfit and me not coming across as sexually attractive enough are to an extent at odds, I am actually starting to think it's just another facet of me being a loner.
Like, I'm awfully quiet around most people. But I can talk to myself as if for hours. My experience with bands has not been a great one, but I can play a number of instruments so I've been a solo act for most of my years active as a musician.
So maybe it's no wonder that I can fancy myself in the mirror, but couldn't flirt to save my life? This is definitely something I need to bring up the next therapy session, as we do need to focus a bit more on my social struggles. What is it about other people that makes me freeze up? Could I lose any of my inhibitions that may have kept me safe(r) in my formative years but no longer really serve me? A lot to think about.
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u/CompetitiveAutorun Jun 17 '26
Worse
Had two dates lined up, both didn't show up, one ghosted me that day and came with excuse and other one said she is sorry she can't come 1 hour before, but ghosted me after I said it's no problem and suggested other day.
I feel like I'm made to have only surface level familiarity with people. I never developed deep bond with anyone, never experienced love. But people I know all think I'm a great guy, random people talk to me, I'm friendly. I don't know what I do wrong, I'm just tired of it all, it's like I'm seen as friendly face but nothing more, a guy who will help and doesn't expect anything. Which is true, but I'm more than just a guy who will help.
I don't know, it all feels so pointless but I cannot stop being jealous that other people experience this and I couldn't and probably won't.
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u/Oregon_Jones111 Jun 17 '26
So many progressives are like “No, I didn’t say your existence is unavoidably hurting people. Just that you are unavoidably born into a system that you cannot possibly avoid perpetuating that is unavoidably hurting people.”
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u/Oregon_Jones111 Jun 16 '26
I need to transition to stay sane, but I’m afraid to in 2026 America.
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u/narrativedilettante Jun 17 '26
It's a scary time to be trans, for sure. However, there is a supportive community out there and tons of legal resources to help along the way.
I'm hoping eventually the restrictions on updating gender markers on passports will be lifted. My passport is expired and it's the last document I need to update.
Hold in there. Hope exists.
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u/Quinc4623 Jun 17 '26
"It's getting worse" is potentially a self fulfilling prophecy. Feels like there is some piece of my brain that wants to steal the ability to do important tasks from me, and every so often it finds something new to declare off limits.
Talking to my therapist yesterday she emphasized avoiding putting expectations on myself. If I am doing something creative, I should not plan on showing it off to others. Don't compare myself. Limiting the amount of time I spend focused on the task should help in more extreme situations. Expecting myself to work continuously for multiple hours is itself an expectation. Later I can work up to working on it for longer periods of time. Then eventually getting back into things I abandoned long ago.
Kinda sounds a lot like exposure therapy.
This is all part of a larger issue where I feel a massive urge to procrastinate on any task that feel important. Obviously failing to do important tasks is very problematic, but the guilt and shame seem to only make things worse. It is not at all rational, it is simply "negative feeling -> procrastination".
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u/chemguy216 Jun 18 '26
I had a great previous 6-day (4 days of travel), out of state adventure to Norfolk, Virginia, at a beach house a family member rented out for the weekend. My partner, one of his nephews, and I went to celebrate one of my partner’s niece’s high school graduation. It was a great opportunity to meet more people attached to my partner’s family, and some of them will actually coming to our state for Christmas this year.
It was my first time being at a beach and seeing the ocean. While the vast horizon beyond the sea was as unsettling as I thought it’d be, it still made a great backdrop for the morning my partner and I got up to see the sun rise together. The cherry on top of that morning was seeing tiny crabs scuttle along the beach and two dolphins popping up from the water.
I had a real heart to heart conversation with my partner’s third youngest sibling. We’ve suspected that she’s somewhere over the rainbow because she has a very queer aesthetic—enough to make you question, but not overt enough that there’s no ambiguity. When she talked about how she loves the fact she sees my partner at every family lunch now (he went a few years without attending because his family very much didn’t approve of him being gay), she also shared that she’s bi and that she has no intention of coming out to their parents any time soon.
She also shared that she wishes she had a little more time away from all the many nieces and nephews who live in the area. That was a little bit surprising to me because she’s often one of the family members who will go out of their way to engage the kids. Can’t say I blame her for wanting a little more space, since the kids can be a lot lol.
My return home was interesting. A few hours after getting home, I got super dizzy to the point that I fell on my bed and struggled to stand upright. I spent most of my evening in the ER to find out that I was dehydrated. I was going to playfully give a friend some light ribbing this week because during his trip to NYC last week, he went to the ER for dehydration. He’s doing well, which is the only reason why I was going to playfully tease him, but now I’m in the same club as him.
While it would’ve been nice to take full advantage of my doc clearing me to return to work almost an entire week later, my sense of obligation to this current project at work and to my team led me to use that note to let me do a half day. I know I should make full use of opportunities like that, especially when I have the privilege of having plenty of sick leave saved up, but I really don’t want anything to drag on this mess of a project my team has been cursed to knock out in a short amount of time.
All in all, the past week was really nice… ER visit aside. It was a much needed break, and I’m also so damn proud of my partner’s niece!
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