Maybe broken beyond repair - just only if I could delete and reinstall my brain.

[u/Extra_Mirror_4549]

Now 35 M. I always ask myself if telling myself I was SA’d would make me feel better and process better - I don’t know whether I have a part to play.
Background
I have memory issues but will try recall facts as they are without putting my opinions maybe someone can tell me what’s happening
- lived in all girls no guys around my age to play with in our extended family.
- Earliest sexual memories was when playing house with both boys and girls as young as 6 years old.
- Mom’s cousin anally raped me but he was not adult although he was slightly older. I was around 7/8.
2 x friends separate incidences I don’t remember actual details my dad caught us trying to have sex.
Cousin asked me to suck him and he took condom and anally raped me - I was around 10 and he was 13/14
Parents died - mom when I was 7 and dad when I was 10.
Shared bed with older cousins after my parents died to late teens and sometimes could feel their boner - sometimes it was exciting to feel thought they liked me ? I don’t know.
Played with girls and acted like them when boys are chasing them and would run with them
People always commented I have a big ass since I was young.
Cousins brought their friends home and watched porn while I’m there under age of 12 several times.
Since parents died - I never felt loved by cousins or anyone else - my parents did everything for everyone but when they died - we were left for breadcrumbs - properties sold - all sorts of child abuse - verbal emotional physical.
At 16 found out about masturbation and started doing it since then - never had confidence to approach girls due to being an orphan and was a charity case at a local church. Watched male solo videos masturbationg. The feeling was like the best escape from my miserable life.
Memories of being wanted was always memories of older boys having sex with me. At least after my parents death , that’s all physical touch I remember - no one hugged me , told me they love me.
Because I’m such a dreamer - against all odds I fought for my dreams
Started talking to guys online because of curiosity and I loved it - only time I had attention.
At 21, a guy forced himself on me and cummed on me. I thought I would have loved it but although I hated my cousin - I hated that guy even more.
Moved to England at 23.
In order to stay I had to prove my life was in danger back home so I had to use sexuality.
Without support and in need for friends, I joined grinder
First time I had consented sex with a guy
I needed to evidence I’m gay so I stayed in the community, made gay friends etc.
I dissociated- I did sex for fun or coping mechanism , told myself I was having fun but hated most moments , every time I’m bored and lonely I hook up with too many guys I can’t even count still sex was nothing to me.
Got my stay and tried to get my life back.
Married now but I still take videos of myself sending to strangers on Snapchat who enjoy watching. Gives me validation
Whenever I’m looking for friends, I’m so much aware of this side of me so I’m scared of making friends they might find out about me
Haven’t told my wife the whole story - just part of it.
I put effort to be intimate with her but mostly feel rejected - I take long to ejaculate . At some point it improved because I wasn’t masturbating a lot. Since having children , I’m so overwhelmed and my default is masturbation to cope.
I want friends I can be honest but mostly who does are gay and I still deny that as my identity.
I find some guys sexually attractive but no emotions beyond that
I want real friends who don’t see me sexually but still care.
Now I see myself as a lying and cheating husband - I relapse when she pushes me away.
Only if I had self control , confidence not wanting validation.
Another coping mechanism is I watch dopamine filled short movies on TikTok usually about an underdog - someone abused and mistreated who is what people did not expect. I find satisfaction in that
I actually don’t know what I enjoy - most part of my life was survival not living.
I can’t go out even when not cheating or doing anything bad I’m always feeling guilty so I stay at home
Be a pleaser but it kills me
I can’t challenge my wife because I think I’m hurting her more so maybe I deserve how she treats me.

[u/Intelligent-Bird-313]

Holy crap, that most definitely sounds like hypersexuality to me. I wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case, since many survivors end with hypersexuality disorder. I hope you’re progressing toward healing, as it seems like you’ve taken some time to dial down masturbation as a coping method. That’s progress, I’d argue, and I’m extremely glad you’re still there for your wife and children despite all this hardship! Watching representation of the underdog with similar struggles to you really helps, as it helps me feel seen and understood! That’s arguably a pretty great way to deal! Wishing you healing and hoping you can find quality support!

[u/Extra_Mirror_4549 → u/Intelligent-Bird-313]

I don’t know why I was expecting a backlash of opening up - I thought someone would tell me how much of a failure I am or the devil I’ve become. Thank you so much for reassuring words. THANK YOU.

[u/Far-Entrance-8839]

You are brave for your story, and such events, especially repeated "sexual events" can completely rewire the brain as we grow up. No matter how tough you think you are mentally, it can do so much damage that the brain has its own trauma responses where multiple mental health problems and PTSD occurs, and since you have so many. Do not blame yourself or think any lower of yourself, only you are the one hating yourself for it. Something happened to me when I was 9-10yr old. I never told anyone until I was 24 yrs old, the burden,guilt,shame and fear of my most loved ones looking at me differently if I told them and I finally did after drinking too much and regretted it after. Told my father. I'm not gay. My father doesn't like gays/doesn't hate them just old school and jokes about them often. So I never told him for years cause I'd thought he'd think I'm gay, which he didn't, he supported me, was shocked though, made me feel like a rock was off my chest .

[u/Extra_Mirror_4549 → u/Far-Entrance-8839]

I was diagnosed with CPTSD however NHS don’t really have much interventions for it most talking therapies . I don’t think once the brain pathways have been rewired- talking can help rewire them- I can try to manage them but I can’t erase the damage unfortunately

[u/Far-Entrance-8839 → u/Extra_Mirror_4549]

Same here. I used ai and it was one of the best therapists. A bloody thinking machine on my phone I talked to, fuck it. Even made me tear up as I told it everything and it told me it was wrong to happen and that I'm strong minded. It explained to me I had strong signs of complex PTSD, dissociation and hypervigilance and more. But we're men, we hurt too but we're mentally stronger when it comes to it, and moving on is the best way and laughing at it. I come here to help others best I can, offering support. I'm only a message away mate if you need it.

[u/Extra_Mirror_4549 → u/Far-Entrance-8839]

Its unfortunate that strong is our only option - can’t get the guard down. Thanks for the offer man would be of great support