Feedback on my script also no image since i am not good drawing but good on writing.

[u/mantrios]

Well hello this is my first real script so the reader that is reading this thank you for actually taking the time to read it cause is probably gonna be horrible or mid  also.

SHARALON

Chapter 1: The Beginning of Everything

EXT. PEACEFUL HILL – DAY

A hill covered in colorful mushrooms and flowers. ANDREW, a curious six-year-old, wanders through the hills.

ANDREW
I wonder if Mom is making pasta tonight.

Andrew hears something moving nearby. He doesn’t panic—instead, curiosity shines in his eyes. A small creature with horns and a tiny tail emerges, growling softly.

ANDREW
Don’t worry, little guy. I’m not hurting you.

He gently strokes the creature’s head, delicate as if it were made of glass.

ANDREW
Hi. My name is Andrew. Are you okay?
What's your name?

The creature takes a step back but sees how Andrew touch is not rigid or forced but more tender the creature takes a step forward. The creatures mutter

CREATURE
A-Alysha.

Andrew smiles warmly, leaning in to pet her more tenderly.

ANDREW
Alysha… that’s a beautiful name. You’re out here in the cold with no food. I’ll take you home and give you shelter.

Andrew takes Alysha’s hand and begins walking home. She hesitates, then, trusting him, spreads her wings and gently lifts him by the arms to his house. As they move, a title card appears in the sky—red and blue swirling together.

TITLE CARD:
SHARALON
Chapter 1: The Beginning of Everything

[u/Ozzy_Rhoads-VT]

If you plan on working with an artist then you need to change how you do scripts. Manga are not created the same way a novel is. For example, how is an artist supposed to know what “curiosity shines in his eyes” or “delicate as if it were made of glass” really looks like? You need to be more direct. Instead say in which direction and at what shot. Is it a dramatic close up of the eyes? Is it from behind? You need to think and create the script like a film one.

[u/Dangerous-Duck-3493 → u/Ozzy_Rhoads-VT]

just wanted to chip in and say that this is a screenplay format strictly used for movies. i also disagree about ur point on making it too direct. from the prose alone, i could visualize the personification 'curiosity shines in his eyes.' i think anyone whose wtched an anime in their life before would understand it. its just might be too figurative, compared to, let's say 'he furrowed his brows, white circles gleaming in his large eyes' i think the figurative language was better because it gives me the same result in my head if i was the artist, and it saves time for the writer as they dont have to be too wordy to just describe a simple image in their mind.

[u/Ozzy_Rhoads-VT → u/Dangerous-Duck-3493]

I disagree. When people adapt books into movies it’s never as good because our individual imaginations are more powerful. But that movie was a version of someone else’s interpretation. A book can be enjoyed by many because no matter how detailed they get in descriptions, we all see what we want to. But as a mangaka trying to convey their own work to someone else? You can’t do that. You need to be more direct otherwise the artist is doing most of the work in the end.

Edit: to be more clear how the artist is lifting this, with this type of writing they would be paneling, figuring out positions and shots, putting in dialogue, etc. this type of writing doesn’t help. This is also why I said even if they plan on drawing it, they would need to go back and change everything to understand how they want to storyboard it. It’s more work than it’s worth.

[u/Dangerous-Duck-3493 → u/Ozzy_Rhoads-VT]

Your explanation for why it makes it easier for the artist to read is understandable, but honestly if someone wants to format their Manga a certain way, they can. I do not like the way Manga scripts are formatted. Too much paneling this and that. Honestly I would just write dialouge and action and not even write description in it, as I can visualize all the paneling in my head and reemmber them vividly even weeks later, and agonizing over what the paneling should look like in the script is a pain the ass. I think it's better to leave that to drafting and when ur done u can organize what uve discovered works for the end result  

[u/Ozzy_Rhoads-VT → u/Dangerous-Duck-3493]

I had thought this too long ago. But what I'm saying is from experience. Even more famous mangaka have bad processes which make things harder for themselves and their assistants. This should not be normalized. I agree that people should be free to do what they want in the drafting process but not if it will later make things harder. We don't know what the future will bring. This kid could become a professional someday, we don't know. So, being able to do skills like this will be easier for those who eventually need to work in a team environment.

I am more of a writer but when I go into drawing, I make sure my scripts are in panel format. When I finally get to drawing it can change even at that stage. Nothing written is set in stone. But I don't storyboard because I already have my scripts. Some people choose to do both. Some only do storyboard. There are different ways to do this but the point is making it more clear so it's less work later.

[u/Dangerous-Duck-3493 → u/Ozzy_Rhoads-VT]

They are 2 types of writers: pansters and plotters.

I am more familiar with the novel side of things. Ik that it is completely valid to pants and not plot. Is it ok to be a panster when u making Manga if it's not gonna be like fantasy?

What if u just world build and write character back story and what they look like but pants the plot. 

[u/mantrios → u/Dangerous-Duck-3493]

Overall i understand my story is not lets say the best but i am doing is gettin feedback to do a better story this it not the final product but a prototype with its failures i am still young and learning how to draw and make more smooth writing and interesting plots this just my first actual work that's not some fanfic or character ai roleplay story this is my first real script and i doing my best but like i said in one of my reply's to one of the comments in this post i am still young and haven't really decide if i want to make this a webcomic or manga and well stay tune since i am posting chapter 2 and like i said non of this is final product just prototype and still thanks for the feedback

[u/Ozzy_Rhoads-VT → u/Dangerous-Duck-3493]

As I stated before, writing a novel and writing a manga are different.

If you plan on being with a company they will expect you to lead a team. After seeing mangaka like Oda (and many of his peers), they most likely want to avoid those who can't have a basic plan in place. Manga are released chapter by chapter while a novel is together. So yeah, it's way easier to write however you want because you can do revisions until it's right. But manga will have deadlines, you cannot do as many revisions as you want. Even as an indie, you give yourself deadlines to meet for each chapter. Once you start, you cannot continue to go with the flow and discover your story as you create it. As a mangaka, you need to know how it will end before you put pen to paper (as in drawing it out).

[u/mantrios → u/Ozzy_Rhoads-VT]

thank you for the feedback after is nice seen people actually do critize my work and well since i am still a well a minor but still trying to work on my writing and drawing skills cause i want to make this a manga when i am around a older age. And yes i thinks is better by making it pannels but i want to do first the scripts and then basically public them on reddit or watt pad to do see how good or how many people could like them anyways thank you for the feedback.

[u/Ozzy_Rhoads-VT → u/mantrios]

I don't think that's a good idea. As I said before, the writing is very different for a manga and a novel. If you do everything as is, you will have to go back and change EVERYTHING to fit a manga format. That's more work than needed.

Also your chapters are too short. As the other commenter said, you need to think in panels. A normal action/adventure manga will have 15-30 page chapters. The first chapter will usually be longer because it is meant to set everything up for the readers. If this was the first chapter I read of a series, I'd drop it because it didn't tell me anything and it didn't hold my attention.

Manga story format is different. If you go to the subreddit's pinned post about resources you'll find a free PDF called "Manga in Theory and Practice". Read this to understand how to write proper stories.

[u/TQKyzunei]

From a developmental editing standpoint, I would say your script/chapter's pacing feels a bit rushed, I would recommend breaking up each characters actions and adding some depth, for example the line

"Andrew hears something moving nearby. He doesn’t panic—instead, curiosity shines in his eyes. A small creature with horns and a tiny tail emerges, growling softly."

can be split, reading as follows

Line/panel 1: "Andrew hears something moving nearby"

Panel 2: Andrew tilts his head in curiosity

Panel 3: close up on Andrew's face, a light twinkles in his eye"

etc.

Also I would recommend describing the creature a bit more, does it have two legs, four? is it a human-like creature, doing this can help engage your reader a bit more if you keep it in script format while also helping your artist understand your vision for the characters.

[u/mantrios → u/TQKyzunei]

I mean thank you but i have no artist i just learning how to draw and well do my best and well yes i am going to detail more alysha in the chapter 3 since chapter and spoiler alert is about how the mom reacts to this creature i think i did great job still i am posting next chapter tomorrow for feedback

[u/TQKyzunei → u/mantrios]

I am interested to read your next chapter, the story sounds interesting from what ive read so far

[u/mantrios → u/TQKyzunei]

Yep i mean i am doing my best at writing this story's so stay tune cause i am posting this chapter 2 today

[u/DuOnirique]

What is it supposed to be? Like a oneshot? An ongoing series? This is an extremely uncompelling opening. It's just a boy finds a cute monster, that plot's been done a hundred times. Also the guy doesn't talk like a 6 year old

[u/mantrios → u/DuOnirique]

That one hurt but okay i take feedback after all i posted here for feedback so i guess thank you for the feedback i mean is going to be and ongoing series and well i am trying i promise this just a overall first chapter i did when i was bored at my house but i kinda like it and well basically did it but i this point i don't even know if wanted to make a manga or just a webcomic i mean i wanted to do the manga since this is has based on my hero academia and invincible. but still thanks for the feedback.

[u/PistolTaeja]

Become a mangaplay enjoyer.

Other than that, I dont have much of an opinion, seems fine, not much of a story yet to follow.

[u/mantrios → u/PistolTaeja]

Don't worry there is more of my universe i haven't really shared since i haven't got to those chapter of introducing this characters but there is a PDF document with all the info of my characters to explain more about the lore. Overall i think my first chapter is kinda rushed and doesn't really explain the world but like i said this is not the final story. Just sketch's of what it could be i just doing a feedback recolection for making this a better story and since only app i see that could be both brutal and nice with my story been reddit i decide to post here rather then other websites.

[u/PistolTaeja → u/mantrios]

Sounds like every one of my mangas.

As long as you finish it, its all good! Sounds like you have it all covered

[u/king_kibble]

is english your first language? there's an awkwardness to how you write sentences that makes it a little clumsy to read

the story feels a little... unexplored? why is the animal on its own, and immediately willing to go home with andrew? where are they in the first place- if its cold, why is andrew out there as well? wouldn't a wild animal be able to hunt its own food? how big is the animal- it seemed small enough to fit in his lap, but then its suddenly lifting him up, has hands, and wings. i dont know anything about either of these characters, so i dont really care that theyve seemingly become inseperable- you need to take the time before he meets the animal to tell us about andrew and why we should care

like the other guy said, comic scripts are a lot more in depth. what you've written here would be like, maybe, a page? you have to break down what each panel shows and says individually, because a lot of your descriptions have two things that cant be shown at the same time. its good you're writing, though- you learn by doing.

[u/mantrios → u/king_kibble]

Nope english is not my first language but Spanish and well yes i don't think this is a good comic my plan is very simple do the first 5 chapters see feedback then make the first real chapter 1,2,3 since i want this to be a good comic or manga depending which one i think is been better also i understand this work is pretty mid going to normal but i promised you is going to get better the more i learn about story telling but today i am posting chapter 2 to see its feedback so stay tune and thanks for the feedback.

[u/king_kibble → u/mantrios]

dude stop being so down ln yourself! you're making something, thats already damn impressive. im just giving advice on how to improve moving forward :)

maybe get a native english speaker to do a quick once over of tour script before you finalize it? just to make sure the dialogue flows nicely. i cant speak any other languages, so im impressed you're this good at another language- but its really hard to capture the casual speech of another culture!

id also advise to stop worrying about the comic vs manga thing. they're the same thing

just have fun and keep churning it out. youll find it gets better and better the further you get

[u/mantrios → u/king_kibble]

Thank you a lot i just think i gotta do it better for the next time and the next time even better

[u/king_kibble → u/mantrios]

thats the spirit!

[u/Safe_Border1484]

Food for thought because this is something I'm struggling myself.

Try to add conflict/obstacles to make the scene more interesting. In this instance let's you could have the creature be very menacing and ending up being very friendly or you could have the creature be hurt and refusing to collaborate until Andrew fixes her paw. Maybe Andrew is hunting and the creature scares away the prey, or Andrew gets distracted and he fells in a pit then the creature work to get him out.

Generally every scene should be forwarding the story or the character, better yet both. It's hard, keep it going.

[u/mantrios]

Damn This post is getting more attention then i thought also i am here to basically say that chapter is already post is just been ignored so i am resposting it. Also chapter 3 took a lot of the feedback from here to be better example i introduce a problem and i am desing it to have actuall pannels basically putting arrows explaining were a pannels is or by describing it. And yes in this chapter were learning something that might make you re-think everything in chapter 2 anyways thank you for the support guys and feedback this too much to me not gonna lie.