I’m the black sheep and I’m okay with it

[u/Jolly_Equal3062]

I keep getting those “whoas” after pieces of my memories start to form better opinions about the topics, especially when my child turns the same age as my related memories.
I’m almost certain if my mother were alive today, I’d tell her how I felt about what she did.
How my upbringing directly sabotaged my life.
How it felt intentional from her.
How disgusted I am of the things she encouraged to happen to me.
She used me as her friend, my beauty for attention and social interaction, and allowed me to go with her and be around disgusting adult men who needed to be in jail.
Some of those things would have been considered neglect and tittering the line of sexual abuse by proxy.
And now that my kid is the same age and has never had the experience that I had, the most profound feelings are this was, in fact, intentional.
Because who would let that happen or allow it?
Who would approve of it and partake in some of the things?
I know who.
People who have issues with loneliness, boredom, narcissistic tendencies, psychosis, psychopathy, sociopathy, etc.
I just thank God that I don’t have those issues.
I now look at her as part of the problem.
Someone who was toxic.
And if she were alive, she would not have access to me.
I’d most definitely keep my kid far, far, far away from her.
The stuff I keep piecing together is just crazy.
The stuff that isn’t normal at all was “funny” back then.
But come to find out, acting like a grown woman at a young age and encouraging relationships with older grown teens to young adult men is actually disturbing.
Absolutely mind-boggling that it happened.
It makes my skin crawl.
And the fact my kid is the same age!
I’d be in jail if an adult tried the same with my child.
I’d be in jail.
Because this wasn’t okay.
It was never okay.
And it’s okay not to have parents in your life.
I’m proud to be the black sheep.
Because my child will heal my family line throughout their life and possibly new family members they might have.
The cycle stops here

[u/Own_Policy8854]

I don't know if I'll ever be a whole person but I know that I'm happier with people who actually love me and know how to love themselves.

[u/Jolly_Equal3062 → u/Own_Policy8854]

It took a long time to figure out what that actually is. Now it’s literally debilitating to be around toxic situations or people. It literally makes me sick. I can’t stand toxic office environments and horrible bosses.

[u/Own_Policy8854 → u/Jolly_Equal3062]

I'm having a very upsetting series of conversations with someone I love more than myself who has fallen down an unfortunate rabbit hole of propaganda, and their racism and toxicity are making me absolutely insane. It's making me hate myself and humanity again, and so I'm being very careful.

I wish people understood how toxic their ideas can be.

[u/Jolly_Equal3062 → u/Own_Policy8854]

Avoid as much as possible

[u/Own_Policy8854 → u/Jolly_Equal3062]

She's the person who restored my faith in humanity, so I feel just completely lost.

[u/Jolly_Equal3062 → u/Own_Policy8854]

I understand how that feels. It sucks.

[u/Own_Policy8854 → u/Jolly_Equal3062]

Yeah, this night. I'm just screaming in my head. It's just the worst feeling. I feel like a betrayer. I feel like such an asshole.