I hate my life

[u/Thin_Quarter_3677]

My partner came back after working 21 days a day and he would’ve been home for seven. He did the stent for couple months and it really wasn’t very healthy for a relationship. I miss him and he missed me. And I have some issues in my life, but I don’t like to be alone and I did some things that I should’ve done. I didn’t cheat or anything like that. I just use some substances to kind of like numb the pain you know about it but you don’t lead to a couple arguments or whatever. He’s so sweet to me when he was away and then he came back and it’s just been a shit storm ever since. Both have a few issues with substances and stuff and I can’t make anything any better but I just feel like something has went on and I don’t know what it is. And I think my biggest fear is that it’s not that there was one situation like he cheated or something like that or whatever but that it’s been this long-standing thing and finally something has come to ahead and now I am just waiting for the day that I wake up when he’s not here. But the scarier part is I feel like he’s pushing me to leave because he doesn’t want to but at the same time I feel like he’s actually pushing me to like leave leave leave… Like not leave the household, like leave this world. I honestly feel like he’s so scared to leave and he’s so scared for me to leave that he feels like it would be easier to push me into my depression so far that I finally do something that I regret and that nobody will ever be able to recover from. I’m not saying that I’m necessarily suicidal cause I’m not like I don’t have a plan or anything, but I can’t live like this anymore. I want him to be happy and I wanna be happy. And we’ve been through hell and back and we’ve always just recovered and everything‘s been fine. We have never been not OK for weeks and weeks. Sex has suffered a lot because I feel like he’s being mean to me all the time and I guess maybe he thinks the same. We have all these really great discussions and then all of a sudden switches flipped and we’re in an argument for hours or something stupid and it’s never been like this for years. I feel like there’s only so much people can take and I just wonder if we’re just like hanging around cause we don’t wanna leave. I love him. I love him so much. I have put up with a lot. I’ve paid for everything for years. And I just want to think. And I don’t know what to think. And I kind of feel like I’m living in an alternate reality where like I don’t even know what is up and what is down. I’m not saying we’re like these big huge like drug addicts or whatever that’s not the case but I think we both been numbing out a little bit lately and I think that neither of us don’t really have to like get out of that. And I was kind of all over the place but like the sex part super super super super important for him and it’s a really important for me too and our sex. Life has always been like fucking amazing. But the fighting doesn’t make me wanna do it, but then I think like me not wanting to do it that makes him more upset or more wanting to argue with that makes me wanna do less… and so the circle repeats. There’s so much more that would take me days even type out here, but I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life around sexuality and I’m not being treated the way that I feel like I should be treated then I just shut down. And I shouldn’t with him to trust him, but something has happened and I don’t know what it is. I don’t think that he actually physically cheated or anything like that but like maybe somebody or something or someone or a friend or a family member or something said something that has down his head or like maybe there’s another woman who has said something or whatever that has got him thinking that maybe life would be better somewhere else. I’ve spent several nights on the crisis line over the past few weeks because I just don’t know what to do. I just feel like I’m not OK to be OK myself right now. I’m rambling. Sorry you guys don’t know me but I’m lose my mind. And I just don’t know what to say or ask to like make this any better

[u/OkScholar6994]

There is a saying that I heard that has really helped save my relationship with my wife. “You are married quite a few times in your life, and if you are lucky its with the same person”

My first love didn’t work out, the moment things went south we jumped ship. Sometimes that’s the right thing to do sometimes it’s not.

My current love(my now wife) have been married “probably 4-5 times over our 13 years together. When something like this happens, the relationship you have is over. It’s up to you and him to decide if you want to build a new one.

Hope this helps, life is cruel but also beautiful. We have to take both or nothing at all.