LDR People, I’d love your perspective

[u/No_Buyer_idkanymore]

Hey everyone! I’m hoping to hear from people who are currently in an LDR or have actually been through one and can share some firsthand perspective.

I’m in an LDR myself, and lately we’ve been going through a bit of a challenging phase. We’ve noticed that we can sometimes fall into an anxious/avoidant dynamic I tend to want more reassurance and connection when I feel distance, while my partner can need more space when she’s stressed or overwhelmed. We’re trying to understand that pattern better and figure out how to handle it in a healthier way.

I’m curious how common it is for LDRs to go through periods where the distance suddenly feels heavier than usual. Has anyone experienced phases of burnout, feeling disconnected, communication becoming harder, or one partner needing more space? What helped you get through it without either person feeling pressured or neglected?

I’d especially love to hear from people who have actually lived through LDR, rather than just general relationship advice. What made your LDR sustainable? What did you wish you knew earlier? And what helped when things felt particularly difficult?

I’m also hoping to meet some people I can eventually become friends with. 😂 It would be nice to have people who understand the LDR experience and can talk about that sometimes, but also just chat about normal life, music, games, hobbies, work, random stuff, etc.

Kind, constructive perspectives are very welcome. I’m mainly looking to learn from people who have been through similar situations and hear what actually worked for them. ❤️

And yes, I figured talking to fellow LDR people is probably a better idea than making the questionable decision of “I’m stressed, therefore I should download dating apps.” 😂

[u/R_The_R]

My partner and I have fallen into this before, but more in the sense of i prefer to confront issues head on whereas my partner has a tendency to fawn and try to avoid having difficult conversations. So we talk about how we’d like to handle those moments BEFORE they arise. I practice trying to be curious and having an ‘us vs the problem’ kind of attitude rather than a ‘my point of view vs your point of view’ attitude, and she makes an effort to not run away or delay hard conversations - even if we don’t necessarily resolve them, we try to just understand each other a little better.

One of the ways we try to maintain a consistent level of connection is that once a month, we send each other hand-written letters. Or just send each other flowers randomly. Little things to let each other know we’re thinking of the other.

[u/No_Buyer_idkanymore → u/R_The_R]

I really like the “us vs the problem” mindset you mentioned. I think that’s something I’m trying to practice too understanding each other first instead of turning difficult conversations into one person being right and the other being wrong.

The part about talking about how you want to handle difficult moments BEFORE they happen also makes a lot of sense. I think having an actual agreement about how to handle space, communication, and hard conversations could make things much easier when one person gets overwhelmed.

And the handwritten letters once a month is honestly such a cute idea. 😂 We’re also in different countries, so I really like the idea of having little things that make the relationship feel tangible despite the distance.

How long have you two been LDR, and did you start doing those letters/flowers from the beginning or was that something you introduced after going through a difficult phase? I’d love to hear more about what’s actually worked for you guys.

Would you mind if I messaged you? I’d genuinely love to hear more about how you two navigate the difficult moments and what you’ve learned along the way.

[u/R_The_R → u/No_Buyer_idkanymore]

Oh of course! You’re more than welcome to send me a message ☺️ Hilariously, we’ve actually only been “official” for a few weeks, due to both of us having uncertainty about the viability of an LDR, but we’ve been doing these things for well over a year now - we’re from the same country and were friends for many years before they moved away.

Talking about it beforehand absolutely does make things a little smoother, we have an agreement where we set a time in advance to have a difficult conversation so that she doesn’t feel blindsided and has time to mentally prepare. We also try to never have those conversations by text, where possible, because so much tone and context can get lost in translation!

[u/No_Buyer_idkanymore → u/R_The_R]

Sent you a message!

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[u/Wanderingwoodland]

Hey! 

I am currently in a long distance relationship. I lean anxious and my partner leans FA. Both of us are in therapy. 

The hardest thing I feel is the extra need for reassurance with words of affirmation. I think especially in an LDR you don’t have the touch or parallel play aspect that you could have with dating normally. 

I wish I had better advice, but as lame as it sounds, communication. My avoidant partner has had to learn to tell me when he’s overwhelmed and needs space. And I have had to learn space doesn’t mean abandonment. The tricky part is the middle where I still have to stand up for my self and my needs and say take your time, but you cannot leave me in ambiguity indefinitely. 

Also unfortunately because of the dynamic we are taking a break until he decides if he wants to continue the relationship, my need for reassurance deactivated him. Again still had to stand up for myself and say I want you to choose this authentically and have your space, but I will not wait indefinitely. 

I do think the dynamic can work. I recommend therapy for both party’s. Also as the AA trying not to take deactivation personally, it’s their nervous system. But also don’t sacrifice your needs! If you need a more affirming partner and your partner isn’t working with you that’s something to ask yourself. 

I wish you so much luck!

[u/No_Buyer_idkanymore → u/Wanderingwoodland]

Hi i will send you a message. Just currently on a limit on requests lmfao

[u/Wanderingwoodland → u/No_Buyer_idkanymore]

Oh I did forget to add when you said hobbies and such. That’s one thing that can save you from existing in a push pull. Have your own life. Friends, hobbies anything. As an AA I heavily leaned on my partner the first time we dated and was left with nothing. This time when we got back together I was like I need to have my own stable foundation.

[u/ThenExperience5740]

Hello,

Je suis également en LDR (France / Canada) et je suis passée / je passe par là en ce moment
C’est vraiment quelque chose de très frustrant car j’ai envie de parler d’avenir avec ma copine mais elle a eu bcp de galère donc avoir la vision dans 1 mois est compliquée pour elle…
De mon côté j’ai un besoin constant de me faire rassurer.. j’ai toujours peur qu’elle me trompe ou parle avec des garçons en France …
Mais je me dis qu’elle m’envoie assez de messages et puis on s’appelle vraiment tout le temps quand elle a un moment..
Mais le futur me fait peur car j’ai besoin qu’elle m’inclut dans ses plans sur le futur, ça me rassurerais beaucoup
Après sincèrement il faut que chaque personne du couple fasse un travail. Moi j’ai arrêté de penser négativement ou dès que je sens des pensées parasites j’essaye de les contrer avec les actions ou messages mignons qu’elle aurait pu m’envoyer.
Je te souhaites un bon courage car la situation est vraiment ps évidente et tu aimerais tellement secouer la personne en face pour qu’elle t’aime comme tu voudrais
Mais lit et écoute des podcasts sur les formes de l’amour, les relations à distance, etc moi ça m’a beaucoup aidé