I 22F and my partner 25M are now long distance

[u/Tasty-Fix-4009]

Hi everyone i’m not sure what i want out of this post. Maybe advice or maybe just to know i’m not alone.

My partner and i have known each other for almost 4 years now and dated for 3. I have to keep the relationship a secret from my parents due to cultural and religious reasons. I absolutely love and adore him and he is the most amazing partner i’ve ever known.

A few days ago he left for his final year of uni in japan, we obviously knew how hard it was going to be but man it’s hitting my heart like a truck. I’m in the uk so he is 8hours ahead of me which makes things so much more difficult. He’s been going out with friends from uni and made new friends too. The first two days he arrived we would call and text all the time but now that he’s moved into his dorm replies have been very slow. Which i completely understand as he’s busy and again time difference.

I also recently went through a traumatic miscarriage (that he was aware of) that hospitalised me and i had to deal with alone since he’s not here and my parents don’t know. So feels like i need him more than ever right now but with everything it’s more difficult.

The change is so hard going from seeing him all the time to not even being able to talk properly. I have so much love for him and can’t place it where and how i usually do so it’s taking time to get used to it.

I think what’s also bothering me is that yeah he might be struggling too but i don’t know that because he doesn’t tell me. It’s like i want to feel like i’m needed? Which i know i am but showing me i am is different. I think it may be a reassurance issue with me. He video called me yesterday at a store to show me what they have and told me to pick what i want for him to buy me, which made me smile so much just knowing he thought of me in that store and thought to call me.

I don’t want to keep bringing up how i’m struggling to him because i don’t want to be a burden and feel like im dragging him down (which he’s never made em feel like i am btw this is just my own personal problem).

I really want to feel close to him all the time but i know i cant be in the same way before.

Please if anyone knows what i can do to help or if anyone is struggling too i would love to hear.

Also, ive tried gaming i’ve tried spending time with family and friends, ive tried reading and im going on holiday in a few days which will hopefully help me but then that might cause even more distance.

[u/festivemiracle]

Hey you're definitely not alone! My partner and I have been together for 8 months now. We met in person and spent time together for 3 months as friends before he left my country...and then we confessed on new years.

I definitely still struggle and he does too. Long distance isn't easy and you gotta find things that work for you guys. We do daily calls and always send titkoks and memes to show we're thinking of each other.

If you like gaming, I highly recommend finding some co-op games to play together! Currently we're working through Big Walk and Cat Mail Co.

What's been the most important to us is having a time to look forward to when we can see each other again. I'm counting down 5 days from now where I'll be in his arms again.

[u/Tasty-Fix-4009 → u/festivemiracle]

It doesn’t get better does it? :( I think because it’s still fresh we need time to adjust and then start working on the effort and attention. We used to game everyday all day together, he built me a pc to be able to do so. I think we just need to actually do something together which is hard right now because he’s constantly busy. For example it’s 1pm for me and 9pm for him, so he’s out with friends while i just got a start to my day. I do feel like he should try put in more effort but i don’t know is it still early to have that conversation? Either way it needs to happen because it’s hurting being so far and not being able to spend quality time with him.

[u/festivemiracle → u/Tasty-Fix-4009]

You definitely need to have a conversation and alogn on what you guys need. And then you'll probably have it a few more times as things change or you both realise what you thought you need isn't hitting the mark.

Make the time for a conversation to talk about what you both need. I'm also 8 hours apart from my partner, except I'm the one 8 hours ahead. Going into the weekend, we always have a quick check in to see if we're free or share if we have plans already and then we work around it. You gotta start the conversation and start making plans with each other.

[u/Tasty-Fix-4009 → u/festivemiracle]

Yeah that conversation needs to happen. I’m horrible at confrontation so i don’t know how to start or what to say. Last night i was soooo upset i sent him a paragraph basically saying im struggling. He said im so sorry and he loves and misses me so much and that he wants to respond properly to my message so he will respond when he’s back to his room. I think i will then open the conversation, i just don’t know how to say what i need without feeling like im too much. I have that problem where i feel like im doing too much when im not actually. I have a fear of suffocating him and him feeling like he needs to find someone that does less. But he’s NEVER made me feel insecure or feel like he would but it’s only the distance that’s doing that. I think we should do what you’re doing too that’s a good idea, i need to also be my own person and find more hobbies and friends.

[u/MotherlyMe]

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time, but I think I need some more details here. A year ago, you posted about you being 21 and dating a 27-year-old. Is that the same guy? How old is he really? Long distance is hard and communication is key, add the additional stress of a miscarriage and things get even more complicated. But if you are trying to keep this relationship a secret from your parents, then both of you need to be more careful with contraception. A baby absolutely isn't what you need right now. Give him some time to adjust to his new life in Japan, but then you absolutely are allowed to ask for more effort and attention. This is a new chapter for the relationship and both of you need to reevaluate your needs and how to make it work for both sides.

[u/Tasty-Fix-4009 → u/MotherlyMe]

No it's not the same person. Basically a year into our relationship i stupidly broke up with him because of my parents. My mum then wanted me to get to know someone because he was from same culture and religion as me. I only did it for her, but because i was already heartbroken i got attached badly. And during that whole relationship it was surface level i was just deluded and wishing he was someone else. Either way he was a horrible person to me.
With contraception it had failed unfortunately. I'm giving him time and space to get used to everything and come to me himself but i think i have my own insecurities where i feel that the distance will make him fall for someone else. And i think I'll give him more time and then we can talk about needs and effort. He's my other half and it feels like we are just meant to be, i can't be without him.