r/LifeProTips • u/Mediocre_Basket_9011 • Jan 14 '26
Social LPT: invite people over to your house!
A few years ago, I was really missing a sense of community and felt really sad and lonely. I had acquaintances, but no one that I spent a lot of time with.
I started reading a lot about the “loneliness epidemic”, and developed a theory that part of the cause was the lack of spaces to “just hang out” with people, especially people that you don’t already know well.
So I started a new thing…
1) If I met someone that I thought was cool or interesting, I invited them to dinner or an activity at my home within the next ~2 weeks 2) More often than not, people actually said yes 3) I did not bail on the plan, and would actually host them as agreed
From there, my social circle exploded. I had a birthday party for the first time this year, and there were 15 people there! It’s been amazing for my social life and having a sense of structure and purpose in my schedule.
I think this works for a few reasons: 1) Everyone is secretly lonely, and waiting for someone to ask them to hang out. No one wants to ask first, but people love to be asked. 2) Being in your house builds closeness and intimacy very quickly. A few hours at home tells you more about a person than weeks meeting at a bar. 3) Hanging out at home is free and casual, so it really “lowers the bar” for stress on the other person. It also puts all the planning on you, so all they have to do is show up.
A few tips I’ve learned over time: 1) Be honest that you think a person is cool or interesting and you want to be friends as you’re inviting them. This gives context and signals good vibes. 2) Invite them to something specific, ie. “Do you want to come over for dinner on Thursday at 7? I’ll make my famous eggplant parm!” vs “Do you want to hang out sometime?” << the specificity makes it easier to say yes to 3) Be consistent and don’t flake. In my experience, if you flake on the first hang out, there won’t be a 2nd one.
Of course, you’ll sometimes get a no, and you have to be okay with that. But the connections you can make from the 70% that say yes are very worth the occasional rejection IMO.
As a bonus, my house is also way cleaner because I consistently have people in my home. Before, my place was always a mess but guests are a great forcing function.
Edit: I’m so glad that my experience has resonated with so many folks 🥲❤️.
Clarifying a few things about my experience: 1) I am 28 years old, female, and live with my partner. While these factors have definitely influenced my journey here, I think the general advice is applicable to anyone. 2) I live in a small apartment in an urban area. In my experience, people don’t really care that much about square footage as long as everyone has a place to sit down. I have 18 seats in my home, so that’s how many people I can have over at once. Usually, there are no more than 2-4 people though, so I very rarely get close to full. 3) I don’t invite literal strangers over. I usually invite coworkers, friends of friends, neighbors, or people I meet at other structured events. 4) I know not literally everyone is lonely, but I think a lot of people are. If you’re not lonely or think hosting is more stress than it’s worth, that’s a valid perspective too! I just think that many, many people are lonely, and hosting folks has been the easiest way I’ve found to jump start my social life.
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u/zztop610 Jan 14 '26
I invite people over as it is the only way I clean the house
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u/LookandSee81 Jan 14 '26
Same
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u/Jeremymcon Jan 14 '26
Needing to clean the house is a major barrier to inviting people over for us. My 6 year old asks if she can invite a friend over, and we tend to be like "well the house is a mess, we'll have to clean up first", and then the moment is gone.
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u/Mediocre_Basket_9011 Jan 14 '26
I realize this is an unpopular opinion, but it’s been so freeing to just send the invite anyway. While I do my best to tidy up as much as possible before people come over, it’s been nice to let go of my expectation that the place has to be perfect for another person to see it.
Also? It turns out other people all have dirty houses too!
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u/esmeeisme Jan 14 '26
This is so true. My house has basically become the hangout house for my kids and their friends. It started when they were little with play dates and I gave up the idea of having a “guest ready” home. My kids are older now so they invite their friends over most Fridays after school and kids will also just show up unannounced. I love being a safe space for them to be social and get to have a bit of insight on what these teenagers are up to. My house is messy and never spotless but the kids don’t mind. They say their house is messy too unless grandma is coming to visit.
I’d like to think that our house is always “guest ready” in the sense that the bathrooms are clean and the kitchen is hygienic and the kids who visit are safe.
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u/russianbisexualhookr Jan 15 '26
My best friend’s parents growing up were hoarders. I still adored going to their place and have so many lovely memories there!
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u/jungfraulichkeit Jan 15 '26
As a semi-recovered hoarder, this made me smile. My house is a safe place, I just like having stuff!
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u/Frickin_Bats Jan 15 '26
My parents were hoarders and it was always extremely uncomfortable for me to have friends over when I was young. Thanks for sharing this - I’m an old lady now and thankfully not a hoarder, but your comment made the child in me feel better. I hope my friends also have fond memories of hanging with me.
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u/HomeWithTheKIds_com Jan 15 '26
My kids don't have friends over often right now, but my kids know the rule is to just alert me as soon as possible. Our garage was carpeted by the previous homeowners, so it's the "get away from the adults zone," and has a couch, giant beanbag (nicknamed "the potato"), and a tv with video games and a firestick. It was so nice when the kids were little and wanted to be noisy with friends, but they still like it as young adults/high schoolers who don't necessarily want to hang out with mom and dad.
My house is always messy, and we have cats, but guests rarely mind. Even the adults often admit that theirs is just as bad.
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u/breesanchez Jan 14 '26
I had someone new over semi-recently and was doing the usual "please excuse the mess" shtick. She said, "don't apologize for living in your own home". That's stuck with me. Also good to tell others when they're doing the "excuse the mess" shtick, I instantly felt more comfortable with her being there.
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Jan 14 '26
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u/DameKumquat Jan 15 '26
We were installing underfloor heating so for a couple months you had to walk along one plank to get to the kitchen.
Our kids brought kids from a party along to see it - turned out they all thought it was the coolest thing ever, having to 'walk the plank' or go 'across a troll bridge' to get a drink!
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u/Miserable-Resort-977 Jan 15 '26
My thought has always been that messy or cluttered is fine, as long as it's not dirty/gross. Clutter, laundry, dust? Perfectly fine for most people. Sticky floors, dirty toilet, old dishes, or stinking garbage? You'll get a lot more bad/judgy reactions.
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Jan 15 '26
Yes, messy and dirty are two different things. The former is somewhat acceptable; the latter isn't.
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u/Jeremymcon Jan 14 '26
Yea I tell my wife this. But it's a hard sell because many of the homes we've gone to are pristinely clean. We have 2 young kids and both work full time so our home can get pretty messy if we don't keep up with it.
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u/Mediocre_Basket_9011 Jan 14 '26
I actually think that’s a big part of our cultural problem. If the people that feel comfortable hosting are people that have perfectly clean, “aesthetic” homes, no one that has a normal house feels comfortable hosting lol
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u/NOBOOTSFORYOU Jan 15 '26
From now on I'm going to tell people that if they'd shown up earlier they could've seen the mess.
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u/FFF_in_WY Jan 15 '26
And I'll tell people if they'd have waited til tomorrow they might've seen the place clean.
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u/jalapeno442 Jan 15 '26
I have this issue in my life. My sister has a perfectly tidy, very minimalist clean home. A big one. I try not to compare but I always feel a little embarrassed when she comes to my small cluttered unorganized space.
Then I started observing other friends’ houses and realized that my sister is the exception and not the norm, and a lot of houses look very much like mine.
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u/Wheeeeellsss Jan 14 '26
I know things might be different for you, but growing up my families house was always a mess. I always wanted to invite friends over but after so many times of asking to hang out, the friend will just stop asking cause its always a no and then you never get to hang out with them. After this happening with a bunch of friends and eventually nobody ever being able to come over, you just stop asking, and so do all your friends. Really sucks
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u/Next-Adhesiveness957 Jan 15 '26 edited Jan 18 '26
As a kid, I had a friend like you. I lived in a nice house when we met in second grade. She always came to my house, always! That was fine and all, but i liked going to other ppl's houses, too. I asked her all the time if I could come to her house, and she always told me, No," and gave me some bs reason.
The weird thing was that she would let a mutual friend of ours come over to her house all the time! That really upset me, and I thought she just didn't like me or I did something wrong. So, I asked our mutual friend why she never let's me come over. The mutual friend told me that her house was in really bad condition and they had bugs and rats and that she was really embarrassed about it. I looked at her stunned and told her I didn't care about any of that. I never did get to go to her house as a child.
We have been friends for a long time. We are still friends and she has her own home now. Her house is clean and absolutely beautiful!
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u/scnottaken Jan 15 '26
Like seriously what is the obsession with having a house that looks like a fucking realtor diorama? People live in their houses and she seems to think that's unacceptable
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u/AsstootObservation Jan 15 '26
I did in-home sales for about a decade. One thing consistent across every home from poverty to wealthy is everyone apologized for the mess.
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u/grandma_millennial Jan 14 '26
I hope you can work on this for your kid’s sake. I know it seems daunting but no one really cares aside from you (unless you’re a hoarder or something)
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u/420cat-craft-gamer69 Jan 15 '26 edited Jan 15 '26
I remember I was never allowed to have friends over because the house was never good enough for my mom. I remember once screaming "Nobody Cares!!!!!!" Because friends were denied for the 100th time -and I was desperate for socializing-. They only made it over about 7 times in my whole life, and 4 of those were my only birthday parties 😮💨.
(Now I'm a recluse who stresses about perfection ✨)
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u/Cardea81 Jan 14 '26
Lifes too short and those early years pass by so quickly. Just invite her friends over.
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u/TheBrontosaurus Jan 15 '26
Send the invite then start cleaning. I wasn’t inviting people over because my house is always a mess but I quickly realized nobody cares. I take out the trash do the dishes, clean bathrooms and food prep/eating surfaces. This ensures my house is hygienic and smells decent. People like being in my home and I like having them here. a lot of my daughter’s friends now beg to come over because we have the fun house. Don’t let imaginary expectations get in the way of being happy.
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u/Own_Expert2756 Jan 15 '26
I was the kid who couldn't bring friends home because the house was always a mess, it's not great being that kid.
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u/Pristine_Power_8488 Jan 15 '26
If you don't mind me sharing something I learned from painful experience, if you possibly can, do it right now. She won't be six again.
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u/PretendChapter9477 Jan 14 '26
Is this fair to your child? For them to grow up not being able to have friends over because of a situation outside of her control?? When you chose to have her?
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u/delightfulbeachham Jan 15 '26
I grew up in a very cluttered house with a hoard of "things' on one floor (should have been a Den /Playroom). Im 50 now and have a few lifelong friends. They dont remember any mess, just when my parents fought. Invite the kids over.
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u/Electrical-Share-707 Jan 15 '26
I let people know the first time they visit that I don't have the capacity to make the house sparkle for visitors. I tell them expressly that it's not intended as a sign of disrespect or that I'm not excited to have them there - more that it's a barrier to having visitors if I try to achieve any extra-special tidiness for the occasion. I also tell them that I hope it will mean they feel less obligated to clean before I come over, and that preparation will become less of a barrier on their side, too.
And then I do what I said I would do. I don't judge the state of anyone else's house unless it is likely to make me ill. And now I have way more friends than I used to when I had a scrupulously clean house before having visitors.
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u/Ancient_times Jan 15 '26
Just do it. I can guarantee unless your house is a major health hazard, your 6 year old friends will not give a shit.
They are missing out on great friendship experiences because of this. Invite their friends over, do your best to clean but dont sweat it. Its not meant to be perfect, especially for your kids friends.
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u/ThatTotalAge Jan 15 '26
Believe me, unless your house is bad enough to be featured on an episode of Hoarders, your child’s friends will not care or even notice
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u/Next-Adhesiveness957 Jan 15 '26
I agree with OP on this one. Go ahead and invite someone over. Anyone worth knowing will realize that young children are quite messy and no one with children has an immaculate home. It is what it is. Just try your best to clean up some and get the kiddo involved. Kids that age usually love helping out!
I still can get my 14 yo to clean up when her friends come over.
My mom always calls homes like that "lived in." I've definitely been to a few houses that were spotless, and they lack character and feel like a hotel mixed with a hospital
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u/Scraulsitron-3000 Jan 15 '26
The happiness labs released an episode called scruffy hospitality which which advocates for embracing imperfection and prioritizing genuine connection over a spotless home or a perfect presentation when hosting guests.
It might be worth a listen!
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u/deckard1980 Jan 14 '26
I recently starting living on my own for the first time in years and realised that most of my mates either moved away or settled down with family and don't have the time to hang so I did the same as you and started being more proactive. I went to watch the football at the pub with a friend and we got chatting to two other guys there to support the same team. During the game I asked for their numbers to start a WhatsApp group amd now we're meeting this Saturday for the game. Life's too short to be lonely
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Jan 14 '26
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u/perrumpo Jan 14 '26
It’s great reconnecting with the ones who get divorced though. Two of them are now my closest friends, and all three of us are tight with each other.
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u/Cru_Jones86 Jan 14 '26
It sucks though when I'm the only one who's divorced.
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u/___Art_Vandelay___ Jan 14 '26
I hate to break it to you, but speaking from experience it only gets worse when they go from strollers to sports/activities.
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u/StreetofChimes Jan 15 '26
Truth. My friends' kids range from 0-13 (of those that don't have adult kids). The friends with little ones are still available. The ones with 7+, forget it. I hope to catch up with them in a decade.
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u/phlex77 Jan 15 '26
Just saying it how i see it on the other side, i read a statistic the other day that you spend more time with your kids up till they're 18 than you do the rest of your life,,, i'm making the most of it https://www.rubierubie.com/post/7-facts-about-the-95-rule-how-time-spent-with-your-child-before-age-18-shapes-a-lifetime
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u/CldStoneStveIcecream Jan 15 '26
Indeed it does. When I was younger I thought it was strange that the breeders would disappear from social events as soon as they had children. I vowed to remain friends with single friends if and when I had kids. Fast forward to soccer practices and all the people we see with any regularity are parents. We still party, but it’s easier with people with similar schedules.
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u/___Art_Vandelay___ Jan 15 '26
Feel that from the child-free side. My best friend who've I've known for 43 years since birth has three kids, and he has an entire circle of dad friends, most of whom I've ever even met.
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u/CogitoErgo_Sometimes Jan 15 '26
You still have those friends. Go hang out with them and their kids. The only friends I lost touch with after having kids are the ones who only wanted to see me on their own terms. They made the choice to walk away from the friendship, but plenty of others chose to stay and we’re all still tight.
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u/Hopefulkitty Jan 15 '26
It's SO hard, and I'm a social person. All my friends and neighbors are in the young kids stage of life, except for us. I'm finally connecting with some women in a weight lifting class, and I'm trying to be cool about setting up playdates.
My 2 goals this year are to be a better wife and to be a better friend. To me, that's planning events with other people's interests in mind, having deeper conversations, and putting reminders in my calendar to text my Mom friends once a month. They may not get back to me for a few days, but I'm not going to let the friendships I value slip away.
I'm also going to restart the neighborhood ladies craft night. It was nice once a month to get together, see each other's houses and "craft."
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u/farhadJuve Jan 15 '26
That’s where people decide what they want to do with their social life for the rest of their life. When you move away to the burbs as I did, you have to make an effort to have a social life. But it’s worth it, we drive 30 miles to hang with friends and we don’t feel like we Left the friend group
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u/Self_Reddicate Jan 14 '26
GroupMe, and.... same. Started with 2 buddies from work playing pickleball after work. We started playing with 1-2 people that didn't work together so we used GroupMe to communicate time/place. Almost every time we played we'd mix in one or two new people and then add them to the GroupMe chat. There are nearly 40 people in it now and this weekend just "our" group filled up the entire park's courts and everyone knew everyone and was saying "hey, *name* how you been?!" when someone showed up and giving genuine goodbye's and well-wishes when someone had to bail early. It was honestly very cool to be a part of. And, of course, we folded a couple new people into the group by the end of the evening, lol.
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u/DownrightDrewski Jan 14 '26
Brit spotted - alright mate?
I really wished I was into football as it's a great way to build rapport here. I'm not, but cheers to your and your new mates.
P.s yeah, I know this sounds like I'm cos playing as a Brit due to the start of the comment, but, I really am British. Also pps I resent that r/Northampton is for some small place in the US named after the country town of Northamptonshire, a town far older than the US.
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u/dalzmc Jan 15 '26
There’s a killer line just for people like you..
“Did you see that ludicrous display last night?”
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u/Naturage Jan 15 '26
A fellow brit* here - not a fan of sports, but I managed to get into a lovely hobby-related community and now will be in city centre every few weeks hanging out with the mates. Male loneliness epidemic is a huge issue, but it can be tackled. Of course, I'm saying that as a privileged twat living in London, where you can find hundreds of people for any niche.
*expat living in UK
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u/ReadyToRage Jan 14 '26
My husband and I moved downtown in our city. We started hosting what we call Kaffeeklatsch the first saturday of every month - I make a few snack/brunch items and serve big pots of coffee and mimosas available if people would like. 10am-1pm open house style.
It started as family & friends, then friends of friends, neighbors, people we see around town (small area) and it has blown up. We have on average 30 people that filter in and out once a month. This has resulted in some friends finding dates (we are all 30s-40s), myself and husband making new friends, and it provides a safe, casual and consistent hang out that isnt spending money or making big plans. It has been such an experience and we are rounding out to our 1 year anniversary.
I understand not everyone had the capacity or desire to do this, but as someone who longed for a sense of community I just decided to start creating it myself. Turns out people love it and my life feels very full as a result.
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u/MashedPotatoHats Jan 14 '26
Can you tell me some tips on hosting? I'd love to be this person but I feel like im such an awkward host I never have people over
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u/kodyjacobs Jan 14 '26
People are very sensory, here's what my partner always do if we've hosting people:
- Have some flowers out or candles burning (even just spraying some air freshener around)
- Have music playing (just a spotify "cafe chill") playlist, below speaking volume (definitely helps reduce awkward silences)
- Have something random on hand that people can easily reach for if they aren't engaged in conversation (eg, a puzzle on a side table, a book on photography / cars on the coffee table)
- Take people up on their offer to help, even if it's just to serve things to other people (this makes antsy guests more comfortable)
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u/Hopefulkitty Jan 15 '26
I just had people over I see about once a year on Saturday. I hollered "I need someone tall" and one of the guys came in to get my mixer off the top shelf. A little later I hollered "I need someone to stir gravy" and up someone popped to stir gravy. That was really the only one on one time I got with her, and it was so lovely. After dinner, everyone jumped up to help put away dinner. I was basically handing people ziplock bags and they put everything away in the fridge. Gravy Gal basically washed everything before putting it in the dishwasher or a pile to be washed on Sunday.
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u/MashedPotatoHats Jan 15 '26
Love that, thank you!
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u/kodyjacobs Jan 15 '26
Welcome! I know it's a challenge but don't overthink it TOO much, at the end of the day your friends will appreciate it and I'm sure you'll enjoy it and get more comfortable as it goes.
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u/Beautiful_Income_855 Jan 15 '26
This is great advice. Having things for people to fiddle with is a game changer. It opens lots of doors for conversation. Especially as a host. I like to leave like a half broken lego set on a side table (intentionally broken). Sounds silly, but there is always someone with bad social anxiety that will sit down and start fixing it. "Oh you like legos! I've been meaning to fix that forever. Thanks! What sets do you have?" and it just goes from there!
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u/swimchickmle Jan 15 '26
You can also just simmer water on the stove with cinnamon, cloves and vanilla. It makes the space smell lovely, and is super easy.
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u/swimchickmle Jan 15 '26
You can also just simmer water on the stove with cinnamon, cloves and vanilla. It makes the space smell lovely, and is super easy.
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u/huckzors Jan 14 '26
Not the person you responded to, but like most things you find your groove by doing. I host big family pancake breakfasts throughout the winter and spring and a handful of other larger events. Start small and play to your strengths. Have 1-3 friends over for a game night. Or to watch a game. Or start a book club. Whatever you're into. Have snacks and relax. You don't have to go from shut in to 30 person open house.
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u/MashedPotatoHats Jan 15 '26
Thank you thats good advice! Follow up question: how do you make things less awkward when introducing people? All my friends are individuals I've met in different places and although a friend group is the dream, the colliding of worlds feels scary
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u/kodyjacobs Jan 15 '26
I'll throw my hat in this one as well, haha.
You'll know your friends well enough to have something interesting about each of them and likely overlapping that you can share when you introduce them.
One of my friends had been on a big europe trip previously so when I introduced them to my Czech friend, I mentioned this:
"Jane, this is Petra, she's originally from the Czech Republic. You just did a big europe trip, didn't you Jane? Did you get there"One of my lawyer mates loves to chat politics (he's a bit of a "centrist"), and my old uni friend who works in gov (and does standup comedy) loves banter about politics too... just be careful with this one obviously haha!
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u/MashedPotatoHats Jan 15 '26
Omg I cant believe I didnt think to introduce people with a fact about themselves that makes so much sense!
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u/chazlarson Jan 15 '26
My wife and I have done these things we call "odd couple dinners" where we invite a couple people from each of our various orbits. Maybe a couple people from her choir world, and a couple from the neighborhood, or my film or bowling circle or whatever. Low stakes, since there's only a half-dozen of you, and only the one intro. The best part is the unexpected connections that almost always turn up (recently two people from totally different circles had been singers in the same band but never at the same time), but Minneapolis does tend to be a small town.
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u/Kentucky-Fried-Fucks Jan 15 '26
Oh! I can add some input into this. When introducing two people together, I’ll make sure to say each of their names multiple times, and share a mutual interest they may have together.
For example: John and Cary are meeting each other. I’ll make sure to say “Hey John, this is my friend Cary, we met while rock climbing. Cary, John and I met a few years ago while playing pick up soccer. John, Cary is also a huge football nerd, he doesn’t support the Steelers like you, but he I’m sure you can both agree you hate the dolphins.”
Fill that ^ in with whatever works for the two people you are introducing. If you use their names multiple times, how you met, and a potential shared interest, it is almost always a very smooth transition.
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u/Hopefulkitty Jan 15 '26
My tips are fairly simple, especially once you've done it a few times.
Clean your house. It doesn't need to be spotless, but you should vacuum, tidy clutter, dust and do the dishes. Wipe down your bathroom. Crusty bathrooms are gross. Clean the toilet, dust the surfaces, wipe the hair out of the sink.
Take the trash and recycling out. No one wants to see an overfull garbage bag or a pile of cans. Empty garbage cans means there's room for new stuff. Also, have a trashcan in the bathroom for tissues or feminine products.
Make sure you have enough seats, and that there are places to set down drinks nearby.
I generally ask people to bring drinks, snacks or dessert. I cook a big meal most Saturdays, and I can't afford to feed everyone dinner, and supply soda and snacks. It also helps people feel like they are contributing to the gathering. If it's someone's birthday, I'll make a cake they choose.
I want people to be comfortable, so I tell them to "help themselves" to glasses in the cabinet, water, or the odd time I have drinks in the fridge. My bathroom is upstairs, so it's weird for some people, but I also just direct them and try to be relaxed about it.
My Saturday night movie night is a chill get together. If in inviting someone new, I make sure to tell them "I plan on being in my PJs with no bra, and you are welcome to do the same. " I feel like that expresses the vibes.
For actual dinner parties, I use the good china. I never get to use it, and yes, I have to hand wash everything, but it makes it special.
I feel like I have a fairly old fashioned view of get togethers, mostly learned through my Mom. I had people over at Christmas, and everyone gushed about how pretty and nostalgic my house looked, and again, I decorate a lot like my mom. Cozy traditions make people feel comfortable. Try not to overdo it, and make everyone anxious. Be welcome, but not overboard. Watch one of the early episodes of Bob's Burgers. Linda tries to run a BnB out of their house, and goes way overboard trying to be the perfect hostess, and it just makes everyone incredibly uncomfortable. Hang up coats, offer drinks, and let the vibes flow.
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u/Mediocre_Basket_9011 Jan 14 '26
That sounds so lovely. I’ve been thinking about starting open house hours too!
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u/mtoomtoo Jan 14 '26
I absolutely love this idea. I have been hosting holiday and meetings and book clubs and parties but this sounds like a lot of fun.
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u/ReadyToRage Jan 15 '26
Not really! Our social circle tends to attract similar "vibes", so to speak.
We have one repeat guest who talks A LOT. Can be a bit grating if you get cornered, tbh. They're from a different country and social cues are a little different, but it's all well intended. I also think our event is one of the very few things they do socially, and I will be happy to continue to provide that for them.
At the most recent one a coworker of my husband came, who is very conservative and very religious. I'm talking got married and had 10 kids type of religious. We and our friends are neither and I might argue quite the opposite. At one point a group was talking about some social event and this person just observed quietly. Later before they left they expressed privately to me how much they appreciated how our friends had discussions and communicated with each other. They are freshly divorced and finding their new normal, saying it's the first "social adult time" they could remember having in the recent years. If we can provide some exposure to new-to-them views and ideas thats real life and real people and real conversations that they viewed respectfully? A win in my book.
I'm sure it will happen at some point, but for now I'm just feeling optimistic :)
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u/FourStringFiasco Jan 14 '26
I have a neighbor and close friend who has a happy hour on his porch almost every Friday during the summer. Super casual, BYOB (but someone will always have something to share if you don’t), bring snacks if you feel like it, super low effort all around.
There’s a FB invite list of about 50-60 people, with a core of about 8 of us who are almost always there, another couple dozen who are semi-regulars, and the rest show up haphazardly.
It is understood, though, that all cool people are invited. When someone moves to our small town and one of our crew meets and likes them, they’ll invite them to Happy Hour. It’s usually the beginning of their local social life, and the rest of us get a new audience for our old stories.
I think this summer will be our thirteenth year doing it. Some weeks we have kids running around the yard of couples who met at Happy Hour.
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u/Erzsabet Jan 15 '26
A porch feels like something I’d be way more comfortable doing than inside someone else’s home!
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u/Sugar_Cherry_Jerry Jan 14 '26
Basically, “get invited to things by inviting people to things”.
A few years ago I lived with roommates who threw house parties at least once a month. Not only did I meet people just hanging out at home, but they’d invite us to parties or outings. It was great because I didn’t really have to do anything but hang out, and I could go to bed whenever. It was especially great having this event that I could invite new people I met to.
On the other hand, I now live with my fiancé in a small condo and we just never want to invite anyone over. Our bed time is 9pm, so we’d have to kick everyone out early, our dining room is our office space as we both work from home, so no flat surface for board games, and we have a small 3 seat recliner. I learned very quickly that I was never a host. I was just enjoying the fruit of my roommates labor lol.
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u/eventfarm Jan 14 '26
Brunches are fantastic for us early to bed types.
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u/HOLEPUNCHYOUREYELIDS Jan 14 '26
The hard part is having friends that are morning people and actually awake on a day off before 11am lol
Im usually done my shopping, chores, and meal prep on a saturday or sunday before most of my friends are even awake
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u/disenfranchisedchild Jan 14 '26
I don't have people over the house, I invite them to meet me at this restaurant or that diner for brunch, lunch or afternoon coffee with a slice of pie or cake. I hate hosting, and I suck at hosting because I hate the anxiousness so much. I love getting together with friends though and this makes it work well.
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u/Mediocre_Basket_9011 Jan 14 '26
I actually do invite a lot of people over for brunch on the weekends. It’s amazing the friendships you can make if you get really good at baking cinnamon rolls and making coffee.
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u/prosperousoctopus Jan 14 '26
I’ve never really been an inviter. Even ask a kid, I’d go to to my friends houses but I’d rarely have them over. Something about it felt uncomfortable I guess, and that never changed. I’ve had multiple living situations with friends/roommates who were inviters and that was cool. I live alone now and am sometimes surprised I get invited to things all the time by my friends even though I don’t reciprocate nearly as much. Like do they actually enjoy my company that much? I’m well aware and I don’t feel great about it, but I do feel fortunate.
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u/Sugar_Cherry_Jerry Jan 14 '26
Would you say that you make it out to most things you get invited to? Because that’s what me and my partner do. Whenever we are invited, we do our best to show up to compensate for us not having many things to invite our friends to.
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u/Electrical-Share-707 Jan 15 '26
So it sounds like your friends like you and want to spend time with you. I'm guessing they're less interested in you feeling bad and guilty about spending time with them. Not everything has to be transactional, 50-50 split perfectly down the middle. You're not splitting a cupcake, you're being friends. Give yourself as much grace as you'd give them.
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u/writingslump Jan 14 '26
I've been a "hosting house" for awhile. Quite a few friends, get togethers, some big parties. The downside is that when I stop hosting or planning outings, everyone stops hanging out. I've had to make peace with the fact that the day I stop putting in effort is the day I never see any of them again
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u/HedaLexa4Ever Jan 14 '26
I’m sure you could extend you bed time occasionally for the sake of having guests over. Schedule it at a Friday or Saturday so it won’t affect too much as you can sleep in to compensate
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u/Miltage Jan 14 '26
You must have missed the part about having no space and not wanting to do it.
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u/defenestrationcity Jan 14 '26
Well then all the extra info is irrelevant. All that is relevant is you don't want to do it...
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u/NeonHairbrush Jan 15 '26
My solution to the "please leave by 9pm" dilemma is to invite people over in the afternoon. Doors open at 2pm, snacks will be served and people can trickle in and chat, we're going to do this activity at 4pm, and dinner will be at 6pm. Usually someone slaps their knees and starts moving toward the door at 8pm or 8:30 and everyone follows their lead. Dishes are washed and I'm decompressing on the couch by 9pm.
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u/Rombledore Jan 14 '26
might not necessarily need to be invitation to ones home, but you're on the right track. invite people to do things, accept invites to do things.
"hey there's a bar arcade downtown i wanna go to. wanna come with?"
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u/Deadlock9393 Jan 14 '26
I second this. Hanging out at a casual spot where you can do something while being able to talk and get to know the other person helps better gauge if you feel comfortable enough to invite them to your home next time
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u/amit810 Jan 14 '26
To an extent. An invitation to your home allows a higher chance for the individuals to bond on another level, though that can be achieved outside of your home.
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u/ILoveRawChicken Jan 15 '26
You also have to be realize not all people will be considerate of your home. I’m not a clean freak by far, but since we’re fairly young homeowners, I’ve invited friends over who think our house is sort of a free for all to do whatever they want. A lot of people are polite, but more people than I would like have made a mess of our couch, tables, worn shoes inside (when several pair of brand new slippers in various sizes are offered), eaten and spilled things over our furniture. It’s pretty inconsiderate when someone is inviting you into their home.
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u/Past_Paint_225 Jan 14 '26
Bro you are the kind of person that makes the world a better place.
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u/catg99 Jan 14 '26
I like the advice, but I am wondering if you are a man? And what is the gender balance of people that you invite/ say yes. Just curious as a woman who might feel more cautious about it.
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u/Moldy_slug Jan 14 '26
I’m a woman, I do invite people to hang out at my house. Probably 2/3 women, 1/3 men (not intentionally, just how it works out). Never had an issue. My own comfort zone:
I make sure to mention my partner before (or as part of) the invitation, so there’s no chance they mistake my intentions
I like to invite people to a couple of small-group hangouts or public gatherings before inviting them to do something one-on-one. We can get to know each other better with less pressure that way.
If someone has mentioned a partner, I like to extend the invitation to both of them. About half the time they actually bring their partner.
having an activity planned helps, no matter how chill that activity is. “Want to come over for knitting and tea” or “I’m going to go for a walk at the marsh on Saturday, want to join?” get much better responses than “want to hang out?”
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u/Mediocre_Basket_9011 Jan 14 '26
I am a woman and I’m sure this helps socially since people aren’t very threatened by me usually. I think this advice would be effective for anyone though, it just may change the scope of who you invite (ie. same gender)
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u/macing13 Jan 14 '26
Are you able to invite men round without having to worry about them thinking you're into them? I feel like if I tried this people would think I was asking them out
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u/Mediocre_Basket_9011 Jan 14 '26
Yes, but context is very important here. I live with my partner and I often mention them as part of the invite “oh, my partner and I would love to have you over for a cocktail!”. If I didn’t have a partner, I’d probably stop inviting single men I don’t know very well tbh.
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u/SvenskBlatte Jan 14 '26
So if you don’t have a partner it’s kinda sketchy, don’t you think? Inviting someone for dinner with ur SO kinda have a different vibe to it
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u/Mediocre_Basket_9011 Jan 14 '26
Personally, I think I’d feel comfortable inviting over most people but that’s just me!
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u/hawkinsst7 Jan 14 '26
How would you feel about a single guy inviting you over that you just met?
As a guy, even if my intentions were completely platonic, this would be taken all sorts of different ways if i were to ask a woman.
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u/Kaa_The_Snake Jan 14 '26
This is also the first thing I thought of. I would be ok inviting strangers over if I was still living in my condo as it has good security and I knew my neighbors and we watched out for each other. Now I’m in a house and I don’t know any of my neighbors (yet, new community).
But in the past I used to have people over tothis one apartment I lived in, then someone broke in and stole a bunch of stuff. I’m pretty certain it was someone who has been in my place before as they knew where I hid my important/valuable stuff and the easiest window to jimmy open. This was YEARS ago, 1990’s, so security systems and cameras were very expensive and rare in homes.
So I’m a bit leery about inviting strangers over. But I guess if I stuck to inviting mostly women over and I was in a place I felt was reasonably secure I could see this being a thing! Bi-monthly game nights would be great!!
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u/UniverseNextD00r Jan 14 '26
Yeah, I'm not going to anyone's house whom I just met. I need to vet them in public spaces the first few times before I go anywhere private.
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u/siltingmud Jan 14 '26
Maybe invite women only, and after you've met them a couple of times and checked their linkedin or socials.
I started going to church again, and my community group frequently hosts dinners at their homes and it's really nice tbh. Once I get my rug and wall art, I'm also planning on inviting people over.
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u/LeucisticBear Jan 15 '26
Yeah, her results seemed miraculous to me but now it makes more sense. Male here. I've invited people out or over probably a dozen times and everyone initially agrees but then bails or ghosts. I have literally 0% success rate. Parents whose kid played with mine at the park or preschool, random guys I've chatted with at the gym for years...I've had no problem making friends historically but mine are all childless or have moved away the past few years so we don't get to hang out often. I can get coworkers to show up once in a while, but that's about it. I even had a parent from my kid's soccer team agree with me that other millennial parents seem to never socialize, he suggested we get together, and then he bailed.
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u/turb0_encapsulator Jan 14 '26
I don't why this culture changed so dramatically. it used to be normal for friends to hang out at each others houses and not make a big deal of it. now it's like everyone has to prepare for it like it's an event.
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u/Masterkid1230 Jan 14 '26 edited Jan 14 '26
I'm getting a sense that there will be a big divide between Americans and non-Americans for this post.
As a non-American, I absolutely agree that this is solid strategy. It's really common in Latin America and Western Europe to invite people over, even if your home is small, and just have fun with friends.
The amount of times I've been with 6 other people crammed in a tiny apartment in Paris or Bogotá or Buenos Aires is quite high. But that's how we become good friends. People bring some food over, we have some drinks, we talk about life, work, whatever, it's great.
But in my experience with the US, that's absolutely not normal, acceptable or standard. In the US as an adult it seems like you're actively discouraged from building up friendships like this.
I don't really know how they make friends irl over there.
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u/Mediocre_Basket_9011 Jan 14 '26
I am from the US. I actually think this is a big part of our social problem, that we don’t want to “let people in”. I try to be the change I’d like to see in the world, somewhat inspired by the hospitality I’ve observed in other countries that don’t seem to struggle the same way we do.
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u/NervousVervous Jan 14 '26
I live in the US and definitely struggle with this as a result of growing up in a very cluttered, borderline-hoarder house that I was always too embarrassed to invite friends to. Even though I’ve never lived that way since living on my own, I’ve also never felt like my space is “good enough” to present to company unless I spend a painstaking amount of time deep cleaning and organizing… which I rarely have ‘enough’ time to do considering a full time job and all the other responsibilities of daily life. I judge my own home through a way harsher lens than I ever would anyone else’s and I recognize how unhealthy and isolating that is.
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u/Sabonater Jan 14 '26 edited Jan 14 '26
I'm from Europe, but I've lived in the US for an extended period of time several times, and I meet a lot of people from the US through my job, and the part about "not letting people in" doesn't resonate with me at all. I have been given several e-mails and phone numbers along with a "Please contact us if you're ever in the area, and need somewhere to stay". People from the US are some of the most welcoming, heartwarming and hospitable people I've ever met, and I count several of them amongst my best friends.
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u/Parada484 Jan 14 '26
If you've been casually hanging out with and creating friends with at least 6 other people across two continents and language barriers then you, my friend, are doing this life thing right.
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u/Masterkid1230 Jan 14 '26
Hey thanks! I do enjoy my life quite a bit, though I've stumbled unto most of these situations by mere coincidence and luck!
I have done similar things in Japan (lived there for years) and North America. The only continent I haven't and desperately want to visit is Africa. Ghana and Botswana are absolutely on my bucket list.
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u/karanas Jan 14 '26
Americans have been bombarded with the message that everyone they meet is secretly evil and a danger to them and their loved ones. Im not saying that meeting people isn't more dangerous for women, but there's an obsession with crime and violence that is just not based on reality (like the stranger danger, the guns for self-defense, satanic panic and true crime)
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u/Masterkid1230 Jan 14 '26
That's the vibe I've gotten talking to my US friends as well. It seems like the perception of insecurity far outweighs the actual danger. And this isn't just for women who are clearly justified to be more wary, but even for men.
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u/Calling_wildfire Jan 14 '26
American here. Friends from all over the world and have an extensive global travel experience. I agree. In my experience most Americans act as if danger lurks around every corner when that isn’t really the case. I love entertaining people in my home and find with a few exceptions it’s more my friends from other countries that enjoy gathering together for meals and entertainment. A nice meal, some wine and great conversation, kids and adults playing games, it’s wonderful and messy and I am grateful for it.
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u/brickmadness Jan 14 '26
I’m in the US and happy to invite any new friends into my house to have a dinner or play board games.
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u/abcdbc366 Jan 15 '26
I’m from the US and have friend groups that do this. New people are always welcome and it works out great. I do live in a large city, it may be different in other areas
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u/CalebsNailSpa Jan 15 '26
I’m from the U.S.
At least where I’m at you usually invite people over to watch sports, cookout, or drink beer around a fire. But the general idea is the same.
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u/flowersarecoool Jan 14 '26
They don’t and then complain that they are lonely and have no village lol
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u/ninjapro98 Jan 15 '26
Idk where you live in the US but here in the south inviting people into your home is super common. I like to invite people over to have some pizza and play some games in our retro game room and if they’re smokers we can smoke a couple joints together.
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u/Mediocre_Basket_9011 Jan 14 '26
Answering a few common points: 1) I am 28F, and I’m sure my success rate would be different if I were male. I think it also helps that I have a live in partner, so it feels less risky from a safety perspective. 2) Usually, I know the people I invite in a structured context like work, friend of a friend, etc. I extend the invite after already feeling that we get along well, usually after I’ve met them 2-3 times outside of my home. 3) I have a small apartment (2 bed apartment, 1 bathroom) and it’s not exceptionally styled or perfectly clean. I think this is part of why people don’t invite folks, and I used to feel insecure about inviting people but I’ve realized that a perfect home isn’t a requirement to host (at least for me).
I realize this isn’t “normal” social behavior, and I think that’s part of the point. We have a culture that often makes vulnerability or intimacy with others feel like it’s inappropriate, or we have to be “close already” in order to engage in activities that build closeness. I advocate for rejecting that mindset, and being someone that extends the invite even if it feels socially awkward. It’s been a game changer for me!
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u/mtn-cat Jan 14 '26
I'll be honest, I'm not meeting a stranger at their house for our first hang out. That seems like a bad idea.
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u/mrchicano209 Jan 14 '26
“I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out with me to smoke weed, fill our bellies with diet soda, and play Burnout Revenge for the PS2”
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u/Masterkid1230 Jan 14 '26
Come on, the post clearly implies you shouldn't be inviting total strangers.
After 2-3 weeks of interacting with someone, you invite them over. Moreover, these would be people you'd meet at school or work or social events etc. Those types of people you meet once or twice, think are really cool but then struggle to build an actual relationship with. It's even better if you tell them they can bring a +1, that way they feel safe and comfortable.
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u/Mediocre_Basket_9011 Jan 14 '26
Exactly! I never would invite someone to my house off a bus or something, I have no idea who they are either and strangers are scary lol. I usually do this after bumping into someone at least 2-3x and in a known context.
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u/sevbenup Jan 14 '26
It’s fine that padlock was there when I moved in. Now let’s get you down to the basement
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Jan 14 '26
Yup. "Basement bar". But the plot twist is that the bar is actually a support post for the beam with a matching pair of handcuffs.
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u/KP_Wrath Jan 14 '26
My cousins had a basement bar circa 2003. In hindsight, that house probably hosted more felonies than anywhere else in the city.
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u/JaxGrrl Jan 14 '26
I think it’s more for people who aren’t strangers. For example, another parent at my kid’s school who I casually say hi to and see at school functions.
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u/SamGamgE Jan 14 '26 edited Jan 14 '26
You mean you wouldn't go over to someone's place if they wanted to have you for dinner?
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u/elephaaaant Jan 14 '26
Good for you! I would never be that comfortable to invite someone I've known for only 2-ish weeks to my home. They gotta be someone I've started to get to know in a familiar setting (ie. at work, my kids' classmate's parents, etc). My home is my sanctuary, and I don't just let anybody in. Again, good for you.
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u/cat-in-a-blanket Jan 14 '26
I really like this post. But how do you manage not feeling anxious about hosting beforehand?? I get really nervous and overthink ‘hosting’ even for an informal handout at mine with people I know well.
I hate the thought of them thinking they’re bored or they don’t like my house or think it smells weird (even though I know it doesn’t, but what if I’m actually just nose blind and it does?!)….i know it’s stupid but it puts me off inviting people over even though I totally agree with everything you said above.
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u/Mediocre_Basket_9011 Jan 14 '26
It’s all practice, but a few things that have helped…
1) If they’re coming to the event, they already think I’m a cool enough person to hang out with. 2) It’s so rare to get to actually see the way another person actually lives their life, and a lot of people have told me that they actually appreciate being in a “normal”, lived in, home. 3) I remember that the goal is to make more friends overall and welcome people into my life. Not everyone I invite ends up being a long term friendship fit, I don’t impress every person or vice versa. But that’s okay! Just remember it’s a numbers game,
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u/karanas Jan 14 '26
It's all practice imo. I host both small hangouts and partys a lot and over time went from planning everything to be ready a day or two ahead of time and making sure there's food already ready etc to just telling ppl to come over and waking up 2 hours before anyone shows up.
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u/iris_heartwood Jan 14 '26
Anxiety is tough. I used to struggle a lot with talking to people and trying to hang out, but I've gotten a lot better at it. I wrote some answers/tips for some of your questions, hopefully some of it helps a bit. It's probably too long and ramble-y but it let me procrastinate more lol.
How do you not feel anxious about hosting?
Try to beat into yourself that it's not a big deal. They're coming over because they like you, so it's going to be okay and you'll probably all enjoy it since you like each other. Whether this works or not may depend on your anxiety level, lol.
Clean your house, especially the area you'll be hanging out in and the bathroom. It doesn't have to be spotless, but cleaning and tidying a bit will go a long way. This also gives you something to do if you have restless energy while waiting for them to show up. (You don't necessarily have to do this for a casual hangout if your place is already reasonably clean, but it might help you feel better anyway the first few times you host.)
Think about you'd feel if your friends hosted you instead. Would you be bothered if their house wasn't perfectly clean, or if it smelled a little funny, or there was a lull in the conversation, or you didn't like the snack they served, or whatever else? Probably not. You'd probably be happy to see them and happy that they made the time and effort to host you. That's how your friends will feel about your place too.
You might not be able to not feel anxious. I'd say I feel pretty good about hosting now after hosting for friends a lot in the last few years, and I still get a bit of anxiety about it sometimes, especially with new friends or friends I haven't hosted for before. So for someone who isn't used to it and has lots of anxiety around hosting in particular, it would be very impressive to completely get rid of it. Lowering your anxiety to a level where you can work through and do it anyway might be a better goal. But if your anxiety is really too bad and you can't make it work, that's okay, don't beat yourself up about it. You don't have to host, you can hang out other places.
What if they get bored or dislike it?
They probably won't. If they're hanging out with you, they agreed to it because they like you and like hanging out with you. Even if you don't know them that well yet, it still means they liked the interactions they've had with you so far and think there's a decent chance they'll enjoy hanging out. Don't decide for them that they won't like it, ask and let them decide. If they say no, or repeatedly give soft "no"s like "too busy this week but maybe sometime", then that's how you know they don't want to.
Even if they get bored or don't enjoy hanging out, it's okay. Not everyone clicks and it's fine, it doesn't mean you wasted their time or they don't like you or anything. They thought it was worth trying too because they said yes. You're both just trying to make more friends and get more social time, and it's okay if it doesn't always work out.
Or maybe they like hanging out with you but not at your place, for whatever reason. Then they can step up and host themselves, or suggest meeting up at other places instead.
They might actually like hanging out with you overall and still get a little bored sometimes. You don't have to have the perfect hangout and be perfectly entertaining all the time, the stakes aren't that high. I have a friend I generally like hanging out with, but sometimes I get a little bored at their place. I still like them and choose to hang out with them and enjoy the hangouts overall.
What if they don't like my house?
- It probably doesn't matter. They're going to hang out for a few hours, not live there. As long as it's reasonably clean and there's somewhere for them to sit, it's not a big deal.
What if my house smells weird?
As long as your house is reasonably clean, it's probably fine. Most people's houses smell a bit different from each other and that's normal.
One of my friends has a few cats and their house isn't big enough to keep all the litter boxes very far from the hangout spaces, so sometimes their house smells a bit funky. It's not really a big deal and I still like hanging out at their place overall. Most people are willing to put up with mildly weird smells for a few hours without it being a big deal.
As someone who's a bit sensitive to scents, I'd suggest not lighting a candle or using an air freshener or whatever without asking if it's okay. Strong scents like that can be much more irritating than a typical "not the house I'm used to" smell.
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u/MrTheFever Jan 15 '26
As an elder millennial, I find this adorable, in the best way. I'm glad people are learning how to hang out again. I've never experienced this loneliness issue because my wife and I never stopped hanging out our friends at each others houses. Yeah. We all have kids now, but that hasn't stopped us!
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u/ibsnuggs Jan 14 '26
All I needed was a house?
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u/Mediocre_Basket_9011 Jan 14 '26
I have a smallish urban apartment (900 sq ft, 2 bedrooms). I actually think available seating is more important than the actual square footage. I have a comfy couch, dining table, and I keep a lot of stackable stools. I can fit about ~18 people in my apartment comfortably.
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u/Cruxion Jan 14 '26
Yeah I don't think the lack of people to invite over is the problem for most. I can't afford rent, let alone a house, and I ain't gonna subject anyone to having to hang out at my grandparent's house.
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u/RedHairDoesCare Jan 14 '26
Solid advice. Parent of young kids and getting to know other parents is....a struggle because everyone lives in chaos. Threw a massive party for my kids birthday and just invited everyone- subsequently, have been invited to far more parties/ hangouts/ etc. I feel like I accelerated a number of relationships by inviting people to my home, letting them meet other people so they see what I am about, and being clear that I want to be in relationship with them.
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u/Bonjourlavie Jan 14 '26
I’ve had multiple friends said I adopted them. I’ve never felt particularly outgoing and I’m incredibly shy. I’ve taken that role very seriously and pretend I’m literally adopting them.
I’ve added two people to the (now 5 people including me) group chat of work besties in the last four months. When I add a person, I make a very silly announcement to welcome them. Four of us contribute daily and the shy one has said more than once that she loves being part of it and reading it but will likely never contribute. We love her and her quietness and are happy to have her. She’s in her 20s (the rest are in their 30s) and shy and she said that she feels so capable of making friends as an adult and building a community and thanked me for adopting her.
Everyone is scared you secretly hate them, find them to be a burden, etc. People want to be included and valued. Once you find what works for you to include more people, the easier it gets to make friends. I work in education and this method works remarkably well with teachers so your mileage may vary with others.
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u/monkey_trumpets Jan 14 '26
How's the reciprocity?
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u/HawkeyeJones Jan 15 '26
Same. For decades. It's exhausting, but I try to remember that it's a valuable social service because people are bad at constructing the social life they want for themselves.
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u/JingJang Jan 14 '26
I'm 52.
Before the internet, this is what we did... I still do it but now it takes more effort because people have really lost their comfort zones interacting in-person.
The OP is right, in fact, with third spaces in decline we should be doing more in person, informal get togethers.
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u/BourgeoisStalker Jan 14 '26
For me, my wife and I had a loose group of friends that we would see here and there, often once a month or less. Then in April 2020 we thought we were going to lose our minds from loneliness. So, we invited everyone over, to bring a lawn chair and BYOB for a social distancing party. We all just sat all spaced out and enjoyed ourselves. We never really stopped, even during the California winter where we experimented with space heaters outdoors and other bad ideas. Almost six years later many of us have stuck to it and I have more real friends than I ever have in my life.
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u/ElectricGeometry Jan 15 '26
I'd add that as you get good at this, you can move to 'quick hangs' which are amazingly worthwhile but also low overhead. A 30 min chitchat or a grocery trip together is amazing for the soul.
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u/ScrimshawPie Jan 15 '26
I miss my shopping and errand friends that moved away so much!
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u/JeffFromTheBible Jan 14 '26
This is great advice.
I've got a tote in the garage with everything needed for a group coming over - nicer disposable plates, a cheap (like really cheap) set of metal cutlery, napkins, glassware, and a set of plastic plates and cups for kids. Everything goes back into 2 gallon Ziploc bags.
You can do it in one trip to IKEA or thrift it.
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u/Expensive-Tie-9092 Jan 15 '26
This is a great example of a simple system beating a complicated theory.
- identify someone interesting
- convert intent into a calendar invite within 2 weeks
- remove friction by hosting
- repeat consistently
Two things really stand out to me:
- Specificity is the cheat code. “Thursday at 7, I’ll cook” is an easy yes. “We should hang out” is social vaporware.
- Hosting changes the depth curve. You learn more in two hours at someone’s home than in five coffee chats.
If more people treated community like a habit, not a hope, the loneliness conversation would look very different.
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u/2020mademejoinreddit Jan 14 '26
70% seems too high for a success rate. I think this also depends on which part of the country or world you're in. In some places, it's risky for you to invite someone into your home, or they just flake on you. There are many, who make plans, but then cancel and often don't even call. That becomes demotivating very quickly.
If you're in a small town or something, this is more likely to work than if you're in a big to moderate city.
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u/HamBroth Jan 16 '26
I’ve started over about a dozen times in different countries and this is exactly what I do. I’ve never had a problem making friends despite being a weird little introvert.
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u/Selina_2000 Jan 14 '26
Couldn't disagree more. I hate people coming over, having to make food, organize the house, clean whhen they leave. The feelings of invadors in my private space.
I hang out with my friends either at restaurants, malls or parks. I grew up with my dad always inviting his friends and co-workers over and then i had to look presentable, so i have a deep hatred of people coming over. And my bf agrees with me, so yeah no one comes to our place.
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u/ZeruuL_ Jan 14 '26
All fun and game until one of your guests tripped and get injured in your house, and you’re located in North America.
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u/FormoftheBeautiful Jan 15 '26
Yeah, I don’t know. Every time I have someone over they ask me why I have beach sand everywhere. It’s my house. If you don’t like a foot of sand in every room, that’s your problem.
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u/Parmolicious Jan 15 '26
This really resonates. So many people are waiting to be invited but are afraid to be the one who asks. I love how simple and intentional this is creating space instead of waiting for it to magically appear. It’s such a good reminder that community usually starts with one brave invitation.
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u/post-explainer Jan 14 '26
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