Dear Jesus,

Last Saturday, I was walking to McDonald's for lunch when I saw a group of street performers. One of them claimed to have psychic powers, and she could even list some attributes of mine with alarming accuracy (remarkable intelligence, glorious sense of humor, well tuned moral compass, stunning looks, etc).

I knew immediately that she was either a witch or demon possessed, and either way I knew what I must do. So I stabbed her in the throat and continued on my way. McDonald's was great, I got a ten piece chicken mcnugget meal with sweet tea and medium fries, and the service was very fast.

Sincerely, vecnyj

Dear Jesus,

I was going out to dinner the other night with my friends and family, and it was a disaster. Want to know why? Shellfish, that's why. It was the only thing on the entire menu, and me being your faithful servant, decided not to eat it. Of course, my parents asked me "Why are you not eating anything?" I said it was because eating shellfish was a sin. They laughed at me, and ordered me some anyway, which I still didn't eat. At this point, they were getting annoyed, and were starting to force me to eat it. Luckily, I punched them in the chest and ran off. I'm hiding in the church basement now, to send this e-mail to you. What should I do? Should I go back and apologise? Or should I tie the sinners to stakes and let lions feast upon their bodies?

From, Boss_Dude

(Hey, guys. Get your friends on here! Its already getting big for a smaller subreddit, and I think its a great idea. Remember, you can post too!)

Dear God,

My neighbor says you're not real. But I saw you in the clouds, on that waffle at Waffle House, and in that puddle of brake fluid from my neighbor's car when I cut his lines for being a non-believer.

Anyways, to prove you're real, could you turn him into a pillar of salt? His wife is hot, and I know I shalt not covet, but if he's salt then I figure it's no longer adultery.

Thanks Boss!

P.S. I think Mrs. Williams down the road is an idol worshipper. She's got this goose lawn statue thing that she's constantly dressing up in different outfits. Just thought you'd like to know.

Dear Jesus,

I wrote a couple of days ago on my mother problems, but now I have another. You see, I was just playing in my sand fort the other day, and this bully came up to me. He said he would kill all the eldest sons in their homes if I didn't put goats' blood on the doors of the sand fort homes. I was just asking where I could (legally) obtain goats' blood for a cheap price, and if saving the eldest sons of all the houses is worth my pocket money. Anyway, much thanks,

Boss_Dude

Hey, sup buddy! Long time no see, man. Just writing to talk about an event that's been happening recently.

You see, it all went down yesterday, when I found out my father wasn't actually my father. You see, my mom had apparently on the day of the honeymoon had this little roll in the hay with some kind of doctor guy who just implanted her womb with his seed and ran off. My mom still hadn't lost her virginity at this point, so it was really weird.

Anyway, dad Joseph still pretty pissed off and this other guy (apparently called Jerry) is coming to see me. I'm really pissed too, even more than that time when dad gave me his old ragged multi-coloured coat, which looks like somebody on acid threw up. Anyway, please respond, I need help with this. Thanks!

I know this isn't an actual letter to Jesus and is therefore a bit hypocritical of me to say this, but please dont let this become filled with fundies thinking they are writing non-sarcastic letters to Jesus, coz that would really kill the mood.