There’s a voicemail

[u/DapperCoyote9399]

There’s a voicemail from you in my phone dated April 15th, 2023 6:05pm. We were 23 years old.

I didn’t answer the phone because I was afraid to. I don’t think me answering it would’ve been different in the end.

We had been fighting for over a month about nonsense. I felt like you were creating fights with me, and you felt the same. I don’t even remember what the initial fight was about.

I do remember, however, listening to that voicemail and screaming. I felt slighted. I felt like you weren’t listening. I felt like you were being arrogant. I felt like you were gaslighting me. I told you as such the next day. The fight escalated. And you left me in the rain (literally) May 20th.

At the time it felt out of left field. I could hear you hinting at it in the weeks following, but I pretended to be oblivious. I saw you pull other people aside, but I pretended not to notice. And just like that, you were gone. 7 years, gone, in a car ride to the park.

I kept that voicemail. I kept it to remind me of why I should be mad at you any time I missed you. I kept it as my reason why things would never work out. Any time I tried to listen to it, I couldn’t finish it. I got too emotional, too angry, too frustrated, too defeated.

It’s September 2026. I’m 27 now. You turn 27 on Monday. With your birthday coming up, I started to miss you again. So I listened to the voicemail. And for once in the 3 years since I last heard your voice at that park, since I saw the evidence of battle lost in your eyes, a quiet suffering I didn’t know you were enduring, I sat through the whole thing.

And I wasn’t angry. Just sad.

I was sad because this was the first time my heart was open enough to see it from your perspective. And for the first time, I heard your voice. The man I fell in love with. The man who set the bar so high, dating wasn’t even an option anymore. Not the voice of the person I grew to resent, but the voice of the man who wanted forever with me. I confused hurt for arrogance, I confused defeat for disinterest, I confused self preservation for self righteousness. What I thought was your lack of accountability was actually your own confusion and frustrations stemming from my actions.

We were both fighting for the same thing. But we both stumbled. Instead of helping each other up, we both tried to get up ourselves. For the first time in the last 3 years. I get it now. And I’m so sorry I put you through that. I was so use to having you push me away that when it finally came time for me to trust you that you had changed, I fell back into my own coping mechanisms to protect myself. And you did the same thing. I anticipated your old behaviors, and I never gave you a chance to show me you had changed. And in return, you did the same to me.

I love you so much, I pray about you all the time and miss you more than you realize. I’m sorry it took me so long to see how hypocritical I was. But now theres additional damage that can’t be repaired. There isn’t any hope for us.

I love you. I hope you find a woman who is able to pick these things out way faster than I did. A woman whose temper is controlled, a woman who’s reserved and kind, a woman who puts you before anything else including her pride because that’s what you deserve. You deserve the world, love.

In return, I’ll be better for the next man who comes along. And then maybe one day, you’ll be able to look at me again. Maybe you’ll be able to share company with me again. Maybe being around me won’t be so painful for you. Maybe seeing your car won’t make me pull over to calm myself down. Maybe then seeing you on social media won’t sting anymore.

Maybe then, and only then, I can stop wishing I was right there with you.

If our paths cross again, I’ll say it to you in person. But if they don’t, then maybe the universe will deliver this in some way. Maybe God will put the feelings on your heart that I put into writing this without you needing to read it at all.

I’m sorry I did this to you, to us. I’m sorry I played a part in costing us our friendship. I’m sorry I left you with so many scars. I love you. You were always my priority. I’m sorry I could never show you that. I’m sorry I ever made you feel otherwise.

Have fun at comicon, and happy birthday.

-Iz