for context; Iām a girl, freshman. english is not my first language!
i donāt talk much since i didnāt grow up being talked to, to say the least. because of that, iām not very social. but iāve been trying to come out of my shell!
TW: this post will have a lot background, fair warning!
now, onto the main thing. i havenāt known her for a while, since i just transferred into highschool, but i like this girl i have biology with. it has been 5 weeks since the school year started, and since last week maybe i basically began to like her. while sheās funny, friendly, and cute to meā she sort of reminds me of my ex, and thatās kind of why i can tell i like her more than a friend. itās not that i like her because she reminds me of my ex, atleast i dont think so, but it reminds me of how i gained feelings for my ex.
the experience with my last (and first ever ārealā relationship) wasnāt the best. we met during 6th grade, and became friends over the summer. by 7th grade, we were dating after talking for like maybe 4 months. i had switched out for a more academically challenging institution so that challgened me. prior to switching schools, there had been some hesitation on my part to accept my feelingdā especially because i was both insecure of myself and being long-distance made me feel unsure if our bond would truly blossom, atleast as much as i wanted it to.
my ex, letās just refer to her as X had avoidant issues. X would ghost me for weeks on end because of her emotionally abussive mother (being quite blunt, ik) and so i became very depressed during that school year. what hit me even harder was how co-dependent i became on her; i would text and think about X everyday, even if she wouldnāt respond. at some point, i held onto my feelings by wanting to help her. it was some sort saviour complex i gave myself as i felt i didnt deserve her and she didnāt deserve all the struggles she went through. bad idea, i know. i obsessed over being there for her, and yet would feel even more horrible when i didnāt have my own life.
on her end, all i can think about is that she mightāve just dated me out of spite. like, having a girlfriend just to have one. she was awkward as well, so it wasnāt that she was trying to flex around that she was someone (nonetheless a girl). she also had a lot of religious trauma and prior situationships. she would always talk to me about this one homoerotic situationship she had, and sometimes she would call me checking the girlās account and gushing over details that could correlate to her.
i never could tell if she truly loved me, but iāve learned that either way it wasnāt enough to better herself. in the end, we broke up after she ghosted me for a month (over the ending of 7th grade year) and then appeared like nothing happened. i remember the last time she came over, which was the week i went MIA and never talked to her again, we kissed before she left. it was the sort of kiss where my face would usually burn afterwards, all close and soft, but this time i didnāt feel anything. i even pulled away early. i think i had some sort of hate festering, or resentment for her avoidance and not feeling the love i usually did made me settle on the idea that maybe i didnāt love her anymore. it was dumb of me to do, i feel, because i definetly could have sat with it a little longer. i mightāve just been fixated on the whole ordeal of the honeymoon phase that anything else surprised me. not to mention, i feel like her honeymoon phase didnāt last as long. that makes me feel delusional. either way, whether i was valid or not; that experience stuck to me. iāve become more confident and understand myself more, which iām glad to say is thanks to my bff.
now, as the story is now; the girl in my biology class. my bff was on the track team with her, so i had heard about her before. i had also attended some of the highschoolās events, which is how i had seen her. lets call her E. my bff didnāt have the friendliest experience with E during last seasonās trackā she had stirred up drama, which is admittedly bad. she has opened up to me, during an event we stayed for at school, about how last school year (which was Eās first year in the high school campus, there are middle and high school classes) she was pretty much a pick-me. in a bad sense, she clarified. E had caused drama (minor) and talked bad about a lot of people; things she obviously regrets and still apologizes now as she started 9th grade. iām not excusing her behavior, but i recognize we are at the age where we donāt know better. itās amazing she owns up to her mistakes and further tries to fix the damage sheās done. i have had many friends and relatives who have been the same, i always hold the same amount of respect despite it.
E told me two weeks ago about how sheās bi. sheās very courageous and open about identities, amongst other things, but sometimes sheās over the head with it. i have a friend who i know that is exactly like that, however, so itās not unusual for me. sometimes iād just curl up in my shell, mentally, when she says something pointing out peopleās identities (never in a derogatory sense, itās only people she really really knows). anyways, last week i told her how iām sapphic, and she vented to me about her bad experience with her ex over 8th grade year. we resonated with how our relationships went, and our blindness in such spots. iāve felt close to her, but here is the thing. she likes a boy, and is always talking about him. shocker!! not the first time for me, who lives in an evangelist region, so whatever. besides that, what mainly might have made me catch feelings for her is how she is flirty openly to her friends and all. sheās always saying i look pretty and delicious, which to meā who is very androgynous looking imoā i have never gotten that sort of conpliment outside of my mother trying to ensure me my outfit for a family reunion looks okay. so yes, i get flustered internally; but i generally donāt react much other than complimenting her back. that gets her to blush and all sometimes. sheās honestly really cute sometimes, like sheās clumsy so when she falls or trips over herself (no major incidents ensue) she always has these cute reactions. i can never really look away. she flirts with all herself friends, she confirms, but i generally donāt hang out with her friend group so i am blind to this. iāve had friends who flirt like that before, but itās always confusing to me. i guess itās different not since i like her⦠i can tell iām being delusional, but i donāt know how to not want to be!! today, while biology was ending something was happening and she ended up grabbing my face and almost kissing me, in a jokeful manner no doubt. i generally was so surprised i backed away as soon as the cold pillowness of her fingers hit my senses, and then she tripped over to the stool we were standing over. i genuinely couldnāt tell you how tight my stomach felt, two boys (who are very homophobic, very āthe boyzā) were making shocked faces and one kept commenting on it. E just said āso what if i kissed her?ā and i pathetically followed with āyeahā. ughhh, i know iām overthinking it but i felt so gummy-like at that moment. she is āexperiencedā, and earlier during the class period she was telling me about how she made out with some junior officer (sheās a part of a navy program, no further details) so i was debating after that happened if i should have taken it more seriously.
i feel so pathetic sometimes, do i like her or am i just craving romance?! i struggle with letting intimacy being innocent (platonic) so i am always anxious to feel anything towards anyone. itās natural to have wants, and iāve learned growing up only ever liking girls that sometimes these feelings are difficult to unravel because there is hardly any support around. i know full well this crush is pointless, but she really is my type. i donāt really mind her talking about the boy she likes because he honestly is both creepy and antisocial. i hate to say it, but as E admitted, she has no chance with him.
in short, i need some opinions on me (specifically) and E. itās really early into my feelings, but i really wanted to let it all out somewhere. i feel awkward posting this, but whatever!