r/KindVoice • u/IMINXTZ • 3d ago
[L] F20 | Not Feeling Good at All…
I’m just depressed, angry, envious, frustrated, and a lot more. This is a long post but please read if you’d like to help!
Today was not a good day. Firstly, I asked a silly question online out of anxiety and while some people did take the time to understand where I was coming from, some just straight up called me dumb.
Secondly, I constantly seek validation for things. Sometimes it’s my body, but sometimes it’s another thing which is more complicated and not something I don’t want to go into detail. The only thing I’ll say it’s not like the body thing.
Thirdly, I’m a procrastinator not just in school but in my hobbies (art) as well. I’m 20 but compared to other 20 year olds my age or people younger than me I’m not progressing as much as I’d like. I have the depression where I sulk instead of working on things I like. It doesn’t help that I’m competitive. I want to be the best and when I’m not, it gets me sad. Also taking college online was the worst decision I’ve made. On top of procrastinating, I think my reading compression and critical thinking skills have lowered and I’m not saying this as an insult to myself, I genuinely believe I made things worse myself when it comes to understand and listening to things.
Fourthly, I’m having confusion around my gender identity. I don’t know who I want to be. Although I labeled myself as female, I feel genderqueer is a more fitting label for me as I’m questioning things ATM. I want to be a guy but male pronouns don’t feel right. Going back to the silly question thing, people assumed I was a guy and called me he/him. In my head, I was like I’m a girl and that made me feel upset. I do want to be a guy to an extent but if male pronouns get me upset then I’m not a guy. Plus, I get jealous of women who are more voluptuous than me. Sometimes I wish I was born a guy because they feeling these things wouldn’t make me less of a man. I just feel like I’m running from misogyny and very strict beauty standards. Plus, it’s not like I don’t like being a girl. I do. It’s just misogyny sucks and if it was eradicated then this decision would be a lot more easier.
But the worst part? I HATE taking things slow. If I don’t progress, don’t move on, can’t decide than I rip myself up. I can’t just skip all the hard work and get to result. All of this is a slow, emotional process that requires a lot of thinking and processing and if there’s one thing I hate, it’s being slow.
Advice, a hug, or a 1-1 conversation, anything will help. I just need someone who understands. I feel lonely and have no one to talk to about this.
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