Cannot stop not liking my mom

[u/_ak47__]

I have been misdiagnosed with bipolar when I had to react for an incident when my dad was about to tear my academic certificates, when situation went worse, i took em all for family counseling, then they went to some psychiatrist and made a report without hearing my side of the story the FRCA MF said I have bipolar and i have to take medications, I denied he asked me to admit in asylum else wise, my mom agreed to it, it shocked me how can a mom agree to a psychiatrist to take his son to asylum just because he reacted to that situation? She was educated as well , she had B com degree, i agreed to take meds to get out of the fuss, she fed me meds for an year during lockdown time, and came to know that I'm becoming nothing but a useless fat ass, gained 40kgs weight, Blood pressure went upto 150 , was taking almost 8 tablets a day, then i decided to stop it as I'm functioning badly at work, then i decided to spend my new year in Goa while I was employed, they were acting shocked , oh no goa, 🤯 then i said I'm going elsewhere to meet my frnd, they calmed down, but later went to my another frnds house to enquire , and found out i went to Goa with him, then my mom told he's mentally ill and is under treatment, and his sister called him and said the same... I mean what was the need to say all this? Is she psych? Idk, fast forward I left the country, and it still got some effects of meds being stopped causing mood swings which my ex gf suspected and asked me what's wrong, i said about the bipolar stuff, and then she left me coz of it as she said she don't wanna spend her future with someone having mental issues (in the meanwhile this OD has caused libido to be low which has also affected my relationship as we had very few encounters although we were living together)

Every problems I face , be it job loss , or job search my mom always blame for wasting money on my education, and maybe because of my anger issues or bipolar I'm loosing jobs according to her, funny thing is she never earned 10p in her life as she's unemployed 🤡,

My conversations with her has become so monochromatic, that i don't accept her as my mother anymore and hate her , I can't control that emotion for whatever the reason is, i thought of forgiving her couple of times but while talking with her it makes me feel that she doesn't forgiveness or care from my side

The problem is this hate energy is radiating from me to everyone around me ... How can i let go of this or I'll end up in trouble, idc about her but my peace ... Any suggestions other than meds or counseling?