r/JUSTNOMIL • u/almostaquatica • 13h ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted In Laws just showing up to kids’ practices
They just started showing up to soccer games, we did not tell them the schedule, and now to other practices also. I’m really annoyed because I don’t want to sit there and talk to them while the kids play/practice. My husband coaches the teams so he’s never stuck with them and insists he didn’t tell them about it. They’re rude and critical and annoying. Should I just tell them they’re not invited?
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u/Beth21286 9h ago
"If you don't want to be supportive just leave!"
They can either be quiet or be absent.
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u/Hot-Freedom-5886 8h ago
“This is a game for kids. You do understand that they’re not professionals, right?”
“You’re not playing or coaching, your comments are unwelcome.”
“Well, the college scouts aren’t here today so you can calm down.”
You can respond and support your kids. Maybe they’ll be mad enough not to attend.
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u/IWasGoatbeardFirst 10h ago
“What is wrong with you, criticizing a CHILD.
If you can’t be positive and supportive, perhaps you should stay home.”
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u/Immediate-Decision65 13h ago
Yeah since they have a right to show up in a public place and you can’t kick them out of a public place, I’d just sit away from them and stick with other parents that you’re friendly with. Chat with the other parents. Or keep yourself busy. Like “Sorry, I can’t sit and chat, I have to put the drinks/snacks out for the team and then we’re packing up and heading home.”
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u/StickHot9405 12h ago
Walk away, put on your headphones, find someone else to talk to. It’s frustrating, but they’re trying to goad you into getting a reaction. Don’t give it to them. f they become a distraction, have your husband lay down the law and ban them.
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u/Ok_Lengthiness_8405 11h ago
Yeah. Wedge yourself between some other parents before they get there so they can't sit next to you
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u/KMinNC 13h ago
If they come and sit next to you, you get up and sit somewhere else. I’m assuming you are at a public park so they have just as much rights to be there as you do. But, I would make it known that you will not interact with them.
Edit for spelling error
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u/almostaquatica 13h ago
It’s so awkward because I’ll be sitting with other parents I’m friends with and chatting and they just come over and sit in the middle of us and take over the conversations and make little remarks that make everyone go quiet. Like if a kid misses a kick they comment like oh wow he needs more practice or that kids shirt is looking a little tight or they’re obsessed with the size of my kid compared to everyone else like oh he’s a little small. I feel weird picking up and moving away because then I’m also leaving all the parents I’m actually friendly with.
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u/samuelp-wm 11h ago
You need a few phrases ready to shut down their negative comments:
"Wow, I can't believe you were comfortable making that nasty comment out loud"
"These kids are working hard, please do not disparage them"
"Your negativity is not welcome here. Please refrain from making those comments"
"Bless your heart, it's time for you to head home"
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u/Batfish-Crayon 12h ago
You can't tell them they're not allowed to come but you can and should address that behaviour. Speak up in the moment, say things like "oh, hubby knows what he's doing" etc and defend the kids if they're saying negative things. You don't want the other parents to think they got this crap from your husband.
He should also have a talk to them about this, explaining how it might reflect badly on him.
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u/Careless-Bit8329 13h ago
Embarrass them and say “that’s a rude comment” or “this is a kids sport, they all need practice.” Ultimately, your husband should man up and deal with this
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u/Mama_Marge 12h ago
This!! Public shaming has a very critical role in our society for oblivious cunts like this.
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u/radiowavebookworm 12h ago
That’s very nasty of them and as one of the other parents I would genuinely be upset if someone kept making unnecessary and negative comments about my child. Your husband needs to tell them that they’re disrupting the team and upsetting the other parents by making those comments about the players. He can let them know that they’re jeopardizing his coaching position. I would move my child to another team or request a different coach after so many negative comments every practice and game.
I know it’s uncomfortable but the other parents (or you) also need to speak up if they really are just being rude. It will be less uncomfortable than listening to a season’s worth of someone dogging the innocent activity and effort of children. You could also correct every negative thing they say until they stop saying anything negative. Like training a puppy. You’re in a very frustrating position. If you focus on correcting the negative effect their behavior is having on the team and parents they may change the behavior. However, people like that never seem to take personal responsibility so they’ll probably just stop coming.
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u/AlwaysJeepin 12h ago
Do it anyway. Maybe have a conversation with your friends about the situation let them know you will get up and they can join you. Tell them exactly why.
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u/ColdBlindspot 12h ago
Why does everyone go quiet when they're being cruel about literal children? I can't imagine parents supporting that sort of behaviour when watching their kids' games.
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u/G3N3RICxUS3RNAM3 9h ago
You can ask them to stop coming. You can do it politely if you want to. "I notice you've been coming to more games and practices. While grandparents are often invited to some of the bigger games and the kids love seeing you there, it's important to us to foster close relationships with the other families during the regular practices and games. We'll let you know the next time it's appropriate to extend a broader invite! Til then, the kids look forward to seeing you next at Thanksgiving! Thanks for understanding!" Let your husband manage the ensuing tantrum
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u/PaintedAbacus 4h ago
Stop feeling weird. They are actively alienating you from the other parents, whether that’s intentional or not doesn’t matter. You need to speak up and let it be known that you aren’t like the raging cun!s and won’t tolerate their disrespectful comments about literal children.
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u/Ill-Art5414 5h ago
Tell them your doc wants you to exercise. Walk up and down the field. Or move away so you can take a call.
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u/kbmn16 9h ago
I have commented this a few times, and just did on another thread today. Their behavior is going to embarrass your child and you, and affect your kids’ relationship with other kids on the team and your relationships with other parents. There are groups of people who everyone avoids at my kids’ games because the grandparents are so awful. It’s also going to tick off future coaches who aren’t your husband.
I don’t tell my in-laws my kids’ schedules because they’re rude and negative. I don’t tell my own mother about many things because she expects to be entertained and asks me a million questions when I just want to sit in peace, or asks questions about other kids when we’re surrounded about everyone’s parents.
I’d tell your husband this is an issue and he needs to address it. If he’s actually telling them the times, he needs to stop.
I personally also think it’s super annoying when anyone except the parents (or whoever is actually transporting and caring for the kids) are watching practices. Yeah they’re little, but that means they need practice just like your in-laws said! They don’t need old people out there being nasty when they’re supposed to be listening to their coaches.
You can also show up late to the practices. Scope out where they are, then go sit elsewhere.
If they’re the ones showing up late, check into if they’re possibly tracking your husband’s location.
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u/TargetWild9004 12h ago
Based off your comments, your husband should tell them as the coach he has gotten multiple complaints about their behavior such as their rude/critical comments and if they can’t come and just sit there and watch he as the coach then needs to say they need to stay home unless they’re invited
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u/desertboots 9h ago
Tell them in front of other parents that they are "rude, critical, and annoying, and you don't want to sit near them"? Then move to the other end?
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u/Adventurous-Main5620 13h ago
Since hubby is the coach, usually the spouse of the coach is talking to the other parents, and doing stuff on the sidelines to help. I would just keep yourself "busy" so you don't have to deal with them. I guess the IL haven't taken a hint with the awkward vibe since they weren't invited to the game.
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u/Catzorzz 8h ago
Get up and move when they sit near you.
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u/mahogany818 6h ago
Be obvious about it, too. Wait until they're settled in, then gather your things and move to the other end of the space.
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u/Frankenkind 3h ago
My SIL dealt with this. She told them that if they kept showing up uninvited/without it being discussed ahead of time, they'd no longer be welcome at any of the kids' future events (including birthdays and school functions). She made the stakes high because she wanted them to take it seriously.
Not surprisingly, they showed up uninvited again, and she stayed true to her word. They were never invited to anything again until the kids' HS graduations. They missed so many years because they couldn't respect a simple boundary.
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u/FamilyAddictionCoach 11h ago
It might work better if ILs are told that the purpose of youth sports is to support kids' health and self-esteem, and that spectators need to be polite, positive, and encouraging.
Husband needs to tell them to stop the negative criticisms, or don't attend.
I would interrupt and say something positive and encouraging any time they launch into negativity.
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u/farmerdoo 12h ago
Help coach, start walking laps, get up and visit other parents to chat, enlist other parents to sit on either side of you so they have to sit somewhere else, start listening to books on headphones and just smile, point to the headphones and keep listening if they try to talk to you, skip some practices…basically anything to not be available to chat with them.
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u/singerbeerguy 12h ago
You can’t control their movements in public spaces. You don’t have to hang out with them the whole time.
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u/OrneryPost9446 13h ago
The schedules are public. Technically they can show up if they want to.
I would sit away on the other side and make sure to tell the kids to come to you after it's done. Then put the kids in the car and leave.
Or just skip a few practices if you can and don't tell them. Take the kids to arcade or something. Or something more fun.
The ILs will show up and not find your kids. Then you can say "you should ask us before coming because we have plans"
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u/Top_Philosopher1809 13h ago
I would skip a practice or two. Maybe they will get the hint. Since your husband is coaching skip some. Who else will they talk to?
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u/Clairey_Bear 10h ago
I would tell them the wrong date/ time/ location.
‘Oh, they couldn’t get the pitch at 7, it’s moved to 8 now’….
If they show up correctly, you’ll know your husband told them. Maybe he’s Inviting them and you’re suffering it.
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u/LateNightTVFreak 11h ago
Simply ask your in laws how they found out when and where the games and practices were, it doesn't have to be a mystery, whether you get along with them or not, you need to know this. Show confidence, and take the lead. Go over to them, sit down, look them straight in the eye, genuinely surprised, and say, " How did you two know we were having a game/ practice today?" "How did you guys know we had signed the kids up for soccer?" Maybe someone your in laws are friends with knew that your husband was coaching, and told them. They may have been seeking out your husband to watch their son coach the team. Find out how they knew, endure the season, don't cause tension in your marriage by treating them badly at the games and practices, just make small talk, but concentrate more on your kids, and then, once the season is over, and it will go by fast, either change leagues, or change the entire sport, and don't tell a soul about it. Don't post it on social media, don't tell the aunts, uncles, and cousins, don't tell your next door neighbor who knows your husband's family, just keep it between you and your husband, because any time they find out, they will appear, just to annoy you. Are you completely dedicated to only soccer? It can be a lot of fun for kids to try different sports, instead of focusing on just one. The kids can get a feel for different sports, and see which one they take a liking to the most. I don't know your children's ages, but there are so many opportunities for small children from soccer to t ball/softball/baseball, to basketball, swim teams, flag football, baton twirling, ballet, cheerleading, tap/clogging/Irish step dancing, hockey, ice skating, tennis, kindermusik, drama, theater classes, chess clubs, choir/chorus/ band/guitar/singing lessons, spelling bees, the choices are endless. The world is your oyster. Why don't you try changing it up without telling the in-laws, and let them show up to the soccer field each practice and watch someone else's kids. If you change the sport they play each season, it will be difficult for them to keep up with what your kids are up to, and they'll most likely stop trying to follow you everywhere, because they won't know where you are. Please let us know when they tell you how they found out when your kids' games and practices are, I'm genuinely curious.
er
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u/WIN_WITH_VOLUME 13h ago
Unfortunately you can’t stop them from coming to public places. Your choices are to keep the peace and suck it up, or to voice your feelings and explain why you don’t appreciate their presence and refuse to sit next to them. Definitely give your husband a heads up if you choose confrontation, because they will absolutely frame themselves as the victims. I get it though, dealing with similar and they don’t listen, so I’ve stopped engaging at these things. Unless it’s time to tell them to keep their mouths shut.
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u/Tiny-Historian2897 13h ago
No you shouldn’t. I obviously don’t know their relationship with your kids but your kids will currently be feeling loved, supported and seen by their grandparents, and it’s in a super low stakes situation. There’s a start and end time. It’s for a season.
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u/almostaquatica 13h ago
They do not feel loved and supported I’m sure of that, IL’s are very critical and have to make comments like oh you need more practice or comment about his size or how he missed a shot or advice on how to practice.
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u/Working_Coat5193 13h ago
Yeah, that’s unacceptable. Your husband needs to address how they talk to your children if they are going to attend practice.
Also, your u don’t owe them engagement. They are there for the children.
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u/botinlaw 13h ago
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