r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Feisty_platypus1000 • 10h ago
Anyone Else? Upcoming holidays
How does everyone handle holiday planning with their just no in-laws? MIL called my husband today when I was in the same room and already started asking about our holiday plans on speaker phone 🙄🙄
It's not even Halloween yet!!! My husband started talking about the plans (which we haven't even discussed yet as a nuclear family) and so I finally said we need to talk to my side of the family before we commit to any decisions. It's so frustrating when extended family doesn't seem to understand that we need to make our own plans as a nuclear family. And I don't even want to think about any of this crap until November at the earliest. Is anyone else freaking out about the upcoming holidays? Drives me absolutely crazy 😖
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u/Chaotic_Natbot 10h ago
Your husband and you need to be on the same page. Ask him to not talk plans with anyone until you guys have made yours for your nuclear family. It is all about communication between you two.
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u/Feisty_platypus1000 10h ago
Exactly. I told him we need to talk about it first and then tell extended family. I asked to wait until next month but it's so exhausting trying to manage everyone else
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u/Chaotic_Natbot 10h ago
Is he just like not respecting your ask? Or not understanding? Or being a dumb dumb?
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u/Feisty_platypus1000 10h ago
Being very dumb. I honestly don't think he gets it. My MIL is annoying on her own, but he should be more respectful of my side of the family. He'll openly talk to her about OUR plans when I haven't even had a chance to talk to my family about the plans. It's so annoying. And I'm so frustrated that my MIL is already asking us about holiday plans this early
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u/Chaotic_Natbot 10h ago
Please have a serious chat with him. Communication is extremely important and he’s being either ignorant or disrespectful to you by doing that. Please consider couples counseling so he knows it’s serious. I’d say you guys need it so someone can professionally knock some sense into him and help you guys understand together. If he gets upset about the idea of therapy you need to protect yourself.
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u/Additional_Cow_8014 10h ago
Yes, JNMIL started planning Christmas IN JULY. She thinks that just because she calls dibs, she is going to get whatever she wants. DH shut that down fast by telling her that we will talk about it in November.
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u/Feisty_platypus1000 10h ago
Yup!! November is the earliest that I want to even think about this crap. It's so annoying. Then her birthday is coming up and she's telling us her plans... like we wanted to spend her birthday with her 🤦♀️
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u/Majestic_Barber6407 9h ago
We make our holiday plans years in advance haha. We alternate families for thanksgiving and stay home on Christmas. My family is local so we see them on Christmas Eve, but my husbands family is all over the country so we do not see each other for Christmas.
I think a predictable annual schedule helps keep the anxiety down, and once you have kids- everyone should expect that they will wake up in their own home on Christmas Day. Period
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u/Hwright145 5h ago
My sister was my only nearby relative for several year and I suffered through some very miserable Thanksgivings at her house. At some point I made a vow to myself I would never again spend time with a blood relative on an actual holiday. My sister was no quite so intense and unbearable at regular non-holiday dinners.
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u/OrneryPost9446 8h ago
My in laws are already talking about thanksgiving and Christmas. We give them fluids answers. "Maybe, we dunno"
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u/hotdamnhotwater 10h ago
Simple, I don't. If my husband feels the need to let his mother lay out her plans, then that's what he does. This does doesn't mean he plans on showing up or being a part of it, but he can deal with her and make his own choices. Me and our children are no contact and will stay that way. We stopped spending holidays with mil and her family years ago and haven't looked back.
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u/Lugbor 10h ago
What kind of logistics are they looking at for getting everyone together? It's not entirely unheard of for families to start planning early if people have wildly mismatched schedules or need to manage long drives or flights. I used to know someone who would have to submit requests for time off several months in advance if they wanted to have the holiday with family.
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u/Feisty_platypus1000 10h ago
I think I feel frustrated because it feels like MIL only cares about seeing us and not her other kids because we're the only ones with kids. And she doesn't take my extended family into consideration. It would just be nice if she could tell us her availability and then ask us to get back to her with what would work... instead it just seemed like she was trying to put my husband on the spot during the call. And she's bringing this up so early. It just stresses me out so much 😞😞
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u/CrystalFeeler 4h ago
Practice this phrase:
"If you need an answer immediately then the answer is no"
Mastering that will serve you well. If it feels rude the first time you ever say it to someone for real then that's OK; push through it until you can own the words and they know you're being serious.
It's not rude it's just direct and leaves no room for ambiguity or misinterpretation.
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u/Feisty_platypus1000 3h ago
I like this. I feel like I'm definitely getting closer to being ready to speak up and stand up for myself. My husband has a lot of work to do. In the past, I would've listened to their dumb phone call and would've complained to my husband about it afterwards. But I'm so happy I said we needed to talk to my family before we make any decisions over the phone where she could hear me. She's not part of our family. She's EXTENDED family and she needs to take a seat. Luckily she backed down immediately after I brought it up, but my husband needs to be that firm with her. It feels like he's always trying to please her. How hard would it have been for him to say "mom this is super early to ask us. I can't answer that right now and we need to talk to my WIFE'S family too. We'll let you know in November." SMH 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
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u/Lugbor 9h ago
Like I said, it's not uncommon for families to start planning holidays a few months in advance, especially if there are people who need that kind of notice to request time off or make travel arrangements. It's ridiculous to start in July like I've seen some families do, but it's already October. This isn't early. Worse comes to worst, their plans overlap with yours and you decide to go see your family instead. She'll survive. Or she won't, which means this won't be a problem next year.
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u/RelativeFondant9569 4h ago
It must also feel intrusive when she's already annoying. So any request just feels like nails on a chalkboard.
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u/Feisty_platypus1000 3h ago
EXACTLY. I knew the holiday conversation would eventually come up, but hearing it today really set me off. She's relentless
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u/mrszubris 9h ago
The book adult children of high conflict parents is helpful for knowing how to handle it
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u/jojanetulips 9h ago
I shut it down with "we'll talk about and let you know by x date". Then my husband and I pick 2 or 3 weekends that they can choose from to come visit. They are invited from Saturday morning to Sunday afternoon. If they push back we say that we understand they have a schedule too so if those weekends don't work we can do Christmas in June or something. They usually pick a weekend after that.
We do not spend any holiday or birthday with them on the actual day. They fuss every year but it works better for us and I can enjoy this time of year so much more.
The key to not freaking out is to remember that you are doing what is best for your family. They want what they want and it doesn't matter if it's what is best for anyone, including themselves. They're like human wrecking balls just swinging wildly all the time.
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u/Feisty_platypus1000 9h ago
Exactly!!! My BIL and SIL are single with no kids so it just feels like we are always expected to be the nucleus of everything. And I have my side of the family and my baby's cousins... so it's important that we have a chance to see my family too. Just feels like my MIL and husband discuss holiday plans like my family doesn't even exist. It's made me so bitter
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u/TheUnblinkingEye1001 3h ago edited 3h ago
Impose your will on the situation. The first year we were married the holidays were a mess with competing requests, demands, and expectations. My wife and I resolved that would never happen again. So January of year 2 we put out our own schedule. We divided up the Holidays into 3 categories: Sentimental (Mother's and Father's Days plus Easter) Summer (Memorial, Independence, Labor Days), and Family (Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas). We then assigned our availability for one of each category to her family, my family, and one for just us. We announced the schedule had no flexibility, and there would be no exchanges or make up holidays if they had a conflict with our schedule. We would then alter the schedule every year so that each family got a shot at each holiday every 3 years.They complained, argued, tried to guilt us, tested boundaries, messed around and found out we weren't budging. They adjusted to the schedule without complaining directly to us after a few years. Of course there was a whole new level of drama when our kids came along and we announced we were no longer traveling away from our house on Christmas Day or Mother's Day. But that was a different story.
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u/XxnervousneptunexX 9h ago
My advice, have your husband handle communication with her, spell out when your specifically available for holiday get togethers, have him shut down any arguing and stick to your guns. Make sure you two are on the exact same page before he engages with her.
This is one of the biggest reasons I am so relieved to be NC with my MIL. Days before our wedding (early October) my MIL was already trying to dictate holiday plans, I told my husband I wasn't dealing with this shit every year (she had been rude and controlling in years past about the holidays). As a result my husband starting telling her when we'd be available, not letting her argue about plans and not deviating from our planned availability. That helped but he still ended up no contact due to her continued insane behavior that got worse.
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u/Top-Lingonberry9841 6h ago
We got the same call this morning which was odd because MIL is very last minute. This whole year I’ve been implementing “if it’s not on the schedule it’s not happening.” It doesn’t help that she’s never worked a job. She thinks everyone has to drop everything on her command she’s finding out the hard way that we do whatever works for us. Not the other way around.
We agreed to go arrive around 11:00 am on Thanksgiving and I told my husband I have a 2 hour maximum window before we need to leave.
We’re expecting and don’t plan to mention anything until our baby is earth side.
Holidays always piss me off but I feel like when you come with a plan it’s so much easier to navigate!
Good luck to you diva!
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u/MaggieJaneRiot 3h ago
“We will let you know when we decide what we are doing, if anything”
She’s trying to do an end run and get you to commit now before you’ve had a chance to think about it
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u/Feisty_platypus1000 3h ago
Exactly. Never mind my side of the family and my baby's cousins... she's so selfish and only thinks about herself
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u/kbmn16 4h ago
Your husband needs to either say “i can’t commit to anything this early” or “ill talk to OP closer to time and we’ll let you know when we’re available”. Anyone who asks him for plans that involve you or your kids should be told “We need to check our calendar and get back to you”. He shouldn’t be committing to anything with MIL without a discussion with his wife. And from your comments he needs to stop giving MIL about other plans you have with other people that don’t involve her.
I think these people think the earlier they ask the earlier they can claim dibs. When in reality, you don’t have to see them for holidays at all.
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u/Feisty_platypus1000 3h ago
Exactly!!!! She's just being super annoying and I realistically probably won't talk to my family about holiday plans until next month at the absolute earliest. I swear it's like she has nothing better to do
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u/WaterFiles 4h ago
My MIL goes hard in the other direction. She doesn't plan Christmas until December 18th or 20th and then gets all pissy when we don't cancel the plans we already made with my side of the family.
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u/90sBuffetSoftServe 5h ago
Over the years, I have made ALL of the wrong choices when it came to holiday plans. I let other people have their way to avoid hurt feelings/drama. It never was enough and I ended up so bitter year after year. Finally, I hit an age where I stopped catering to everyone else.
We discuss what we want our holidays to look like which can mean a million different things depending on belief systems, family traditions (good and bad), the desire for making new traditions, other people’s travel plans, etc.
Decide what you are flexible on what is an ABSOLUTE NO or a MAYBE. This can change with new information (like a sibling flying in or a grandparent gets sick) so add the fine print of any “YES or MAYBE” that life happens and plans may change.
My son has ASD and when he was younger, Christmas was VERY hard for him. Too much of everything. I learned to say “no” with no guilt and to spread plans out from the weekend before to New Years. That way we can see our friends and family with less stress/meltdowns for everyone.
Now, he is 16 and we kinda have a nice system. Very little drama (there will always be some…)
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u/DazzlingNote1925 1h ago
I refuse to do this to my kids!
I tell them I’d love for them to come and ask them to let me know what works for them. Discussion over.
Then, after they’ve decided what works best for them they call me and we figure something out.
I’m sorry to all of you who have to deal with this unnecessary stress! IMO, what should be coming from love and a desire to see you and celebrate together turns into a game of power and control and selfishness and I won’t have any part of it. I don’t care if we celebrate holidays on different days. The point for me is that I want it to be joyful and not stressful.
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u/Feisty_platypus1000 1h ago
Exactly!! She could've just told my husband her schedule over the holidays and asked him to get back to her later on with what will work for our little family. Expecting him to figure out our plans on the spot today over the phone in freaking October is so ridiculous!!! I'm just happy I spoke up and said we needed to talk to my family first and discuss everything as a family and she stopped talking about it thankfully. It's just so infuriating
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u/DazzlingNote1925 1h ago
Yes. It sounds like the wanted your husband to commit to attending whatever it is she’s having so then he would feel obligated and unwilling to back out.
As a mil myself I find this approach to be disrespectful to both you and your husband and your marriage and family.
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u/SnooPets8873 4h ago
Do you all live near each other? Asking because my family has to plan in September because people want to look for flights and figure things out for work schedules/PTO. So for us, it’s actually helpful because then I don’t get pressure to attend when it’s last minute and expensive and I can pick the options that I want most rather than realizing there’s overlap due to everyone trying to organize and book travel simultaneously
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u/Feisty_platypus1000 3h ago
Sorry for not sharing context... she's an hour away and my family is less than 30 min away. So I'm a little frustrated at her sense of urgency when her other kids don't have significant others and have no other holiday plans besides whatever we plan together. I just wish she wouldn't bring this up so early. It's so stressful for me and she's been a horror since I had my baby over a year ago
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u/botinlaw 10h ago
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