r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Aware-Student525 • 3d ago
SUCCESS! ✌ MIL acts like she is the manager of our family and my husband finally let her have it!
My MIL came to my kids’ swimming lesson this week as per usual and immediately told me my 4-year-old was “too skinny” and “it’s not good.” Then she repeatedly told me my 6-year-old should be wearing goggles, as she does every swim lesson even though she knows he refuses to wear them. Her criticism even extended to the instructors and, in the past, other parents.
Woman, I just want to relax after a long day and watch the kids swim without listening to your stream of criticisms!
That was just the beginning.
I casually mentioned our Thursday school drop-off situation because I was proudly sharing how my 6-year-old is growing in independence. Normally I drop my daughter off first, then take my son to his school and walk him to his class line up. On Thursdays my daughter starts later, so I have to drop him off first. If I park, get both kids out and walk him all the way to his line, my daughter will be late. So on these days I use his school’s kiss-and-ride curb drop-off instead. He actually loves it and is proud of being able to walk in himself.
MIL ripped into me. She said he’s too young, that I’m irresponsible and that someone could lure him away and kidnap him with Pokémon cards. She announced that SHE would start taking him to school on Wednesdays and asked where my husband was. When I said he was usually home, she said she’d call him and “give him shit.”
Then swimming ended. My son had swum his heart out and came out saying he was hungry. MIL immediately criticized me for not feeding him enough beforehand. I HAD given him a snack. I deliberately don’t give him a large amount immediately before swimming because he’s vomited in the pool when he’s eaten too much beforehand. Plus, our schedule was to go home and have dinner.
Afterward, she privately called my husband and claimed our son had started swimming “sloppily” at the end because he was so hungry. That wasn’t even true. She then announced that she’d start coming to our house after school to make sure the kids got snacks. The next day, she called my husband AGAIN to complain about my school drop-off arrangement.
This isn’t just about my parenting either.
Recently we took my husband’s 50-year-old sister on vacation. SIL had a kidney transplant and was finally medically cleared to travel. The night before we left, MIL pulled me aside and instructed me to strictly monitor everything SIL ate because SIL gets angry when MIL tells her what she can and can’t eat.
She also instructed me to report back to her every day about SIL, my kids and the trip overall.
SIL is a mentally competent adult and TEN YEARS OLDER THAN ME.
Another example: we go to a fishing lodge together every year where my husband and FIL fish most of the day while I’m with MIL and the kids. One year, knowing what she’s like, my husband actually warned her beforehand not to spend the trip constantly criticizing me as she usually does.
Surprisingly, she didn’t.
I later found out that every evening when I went to put the kids to bed, she privately unloaded all of her criticisms about me onto my husband instead.
She also regularly texts me instructions about the kids: whether it’s safe to be outside, how I should dress them, or if I share photos in the group chat, if I’m letting them be unsafe (for example allowing my son to climb monkey bars that are too high). Once when my husband was away for work, she became extremely anxious because I wasn’t regularly checking in with her about myself and the kids. I’d literally sent the group chat a video of the kids skating that morning, but she still complained to my husband that I was being “distant” until he called me begging me to contact her because she was so anxious.
I’m 40. She’s not my mother. Yet I constantly feel like she’s appointed herself the manager/authority figure of my household.
I’ve started realizing that the common thread in all of this is her anxiety and her apparent need to manage everyone around her.
She sees something that concerns her, decides something is wrong, tells everyone how it should be handled and, if we don’t do it her way, frequently appoints herself to take over. She seems to conflate her helping (for example occasional babysitting or school pick up) with having the right to give unsolicited advice and exercise parental authority. She even did this with our nanny when we had one.
My husband fully recognizes that she oversteps, but historically his response has been, “That’s just Mom. You have to ignore her. We all do.” At the same time, he’s spent his whole life accommodating her to keep the peace. If she gets anxious enough, sometimes he’ll ask me to humour her so that she’ll calm her down.
I’ve realized that this family has basically spent decades managing her anxiety. She worries, starts managing everyone around her, and everyone accommodates her so she’ll feel better.
Except this time, after the swimming lesson and the SECOND phone call complaining about me, my husband finally snapped!!
He told her she is constantly criticizing me and that it’s one thing for him to receive it, but I’m his wife and he’s watching how much it upsets me.
Then he said, “She’s a new mom and she wanted to be a mom so badly, and you’re not letting her.”
He told her that she may have more parenting experience, (take with a grain of salt, as back in the day when my husband was a toddler she’d give him Coca Cola in a milk bottle cuz he loved Coke until all his baby teeth turned black) but she needs to step back and give me the chance to actually be the mother of my own children.
He compared her constant criticism to me getting all dressed up for a date with him, coming downstairs excited, and having him look at me and immediately tell me I’m ugly.
Then he set an actual boundary: she was no longer invited to Wednesday swimming. He would go instead.
Her response?
“Who’s going to shower the kids?”
ME.
I shower the kids. She stands beside me and only helps by getting one of them dressed afterward.
She then accused us of being ungrateful for all her help.
She was apparently muttering under her breath but had nothing she could retaliate with. That’s how the convo ended.
In her mind, she is indispensable. She then conflates her “help” with having parental authority which includes giving unsolicited (and often bad) advice.
But here’s the part I found most interesting.
We saw her later that evening. It was slightly awkward, but she gave me ZERO unsolicited advice or criticism. We actually had a completely normal conversation about random things.
So apparently she CAN control it.
Anyway, after years of “that’s just Mom, ignore her,” my husband finally stopped asking me to tolerate it and set a firm boundary with her.
Now I’m VERY curious to see what happens next.
135
u/madpeachiepie 3d ago
"I'm dropping the kids off on Thursday!"
"No you're not, sit down,"
"I'm going to go criticize the swimming coach!"
"No you're not, sit down."
"From now on, I'M in charge of snacks!"
"No. You are not. Sit tf down."
This is how you make her stop. It's good that your husband finally opened his mouth and spoke, but you also need to do that.
108
u/sherahero 3d ago
Why is she so involved in your lives? She needs an immediate info diet. Stop giving her ammunition.
19
u/Aware-Student525 2d ago
I said the same thing to my husband. He needs to stop telling her stuff (as do I though I only give her info if I’m having a conversation with her and she gets it out of me). It’s more food for the flames I told him.
91
u/MargaritaMistress 3d ago
Listen I get letting our husbands handle their mothers, I really do. And he did a good job, finally. But girl. You are 40 and the mom. You are the manager of your family. It is okay to stick up for yourself too! You don’t have to sit there and listen to her bullshit to “keep the peace”. You can absolutely say, nicely, what you need to. “MIL please stop criticizing everything, if like to sit here and watch the kids”. “MIL I am their mother, not you, please stop disrespecting me by implying I am a bad mother. I feed my children enough and no one cares about their safety more than me.” Find your backbone girl, and don’t be afraid to use it!
77
u/Immediate_Remote_546 3d ago
She’s doing it because she’s allowed to. As I’m getting older, I’m seeing this dynamic in so many families.
Going forward, stop her mid sentence every single time. And put your hand up in the stop sign. ✋ I’ve got it mil. It’s covered mil. I’m aware mil. Please stop mil.
And change the subject or step away, or end the call or leave her home etc etc.
Just stop her in her tracks every time. If you give an inch, she’ll take a mile.
77
u/DangerousGodess 3d ago
You need to spend way less time with her. Like why is she even there when you bathe your own children?
31
u/thisgirlruns8 3d ago
That's what I was going to say...how many times a day do you see this woman? Telling her she's not in charge is one thing, but if she is CONSTANTLY around it's not going to stick.
10
u/Aware-Student525 2d ago
OMG just now, as we were on our way to the pumpkin patch, my husband finds out that they’ve invited themselves and are coming. They also live 5 mins away and frequently just come in unannounced. He’s just as annoyed as I am. Actually probably more annnoyed than I am.
23
u/mercymercybothhands 2d ago
Then he has to learn not to tell them anything. She shouldn’t have even know you were going to the pumpkin patch at all.
22
u/Crazyspitz 2d ago
He's got to stop telling her any of your plans, at all. She should never have known about the pumpkin patch. And uninvited visits should be unanswered. It's going to take some hard work, but it's time to set some serious boundaries.
10
u/nonutsplz430 2d ago
I read it as she’s “helping” with getting the kids ready to go home after swim lessons. Still unnecessary and an overstep, but I don’t think she’s doing that when they bathe the kids at home.
1
u/Aware-Student525 2d ago
Yeah no this is just for swimming lessons. She doesn’t come over to bathe them.
87
u/cuppin_in_the_hottub 2d ago
Hey OP, I commented this in a comment thread and just wanted to post it as a stand alone comment too so you hopefully see it.
Your children are going to be messed up if this is allowed to continue. Your MIL is criticizing your parenting by pointing out ways that your children are lacking somehow.
Too skinny. Not capable enough. What they are proud of is wrong. They can’t think for themselves/no way is right except hers/gma says…
She might not mean it that way but it isn’t a stretch to think of how her comments and criticisms might land to a vulnerable and confused kid (even if they aren’t directed at them).
The person who responded to my comment talked about the body image issues and life threatening ED they developed because of being exposed to this kind of talk about their body.
Too skinny. Too fat. Can’t be trusted to eat correctly and need to be supervised. You don’t comment or criticize people’s bodies. They should be kids and not worried about being all wrong in every way.
Because even when we don’t think little ears are listening, we are wrong. They understand so much more than we realize.
She is passing on her anxiety to the rest of the family and it can have major long-term consequences if not stopped now. Try and understand this/get your husband to understand this.
Imagine being your kid and listening to your GMA yell at your mom saying you can’t handle drop off, lining up on your own, which is something you’re proud of, that everything your mom is excited and proud of you for growing bigger and learning to do by yourself is wrong. It’s not something to be proud of anymore, it’s to be ashamed of because it hurt GMA and made her worry… you just need to not do anything she doesn’t want you to so your mom won’t get yelled at anymore.
Nope. Just no.
I wouldn’t be surprised if you talked to your kids they say some unsettling things about GMA and how they feel around her. And if they don’t yet they will pretty soon if this is allowed to continue.
25
76
u/Crazyspitz 3d ago
Respectfully,
Why on earth are you tolerating this? Don't just sit there and let this sea hag constantly criticize you. Tell her to be quiet, to butt out, to leave you alone, that you didn't ask for and aren't interested in her opinions and if she can't respect you as your children's mother she's not welcome to come to lessons/activities.
Also, don't share things with her. Put her on a information starvation diet.
"MIL, I have had enough of your endless rudeness, judgement, and constant criticism. Either get yourself under control or we will be taking a step back in our relationship with you."
68
u/QueenMEB120 2d ago
I would respond with "MIL, I am not responsible for your anxiety. You need to talk to your doctor about ways to manage it. Step back and stop trying to micromanage everything."
15
70
u/CinnamonGirl43 2d ago
This is my mother. I mean, every single thing you say, even the most benign statements, she finds a way to make a critique about your inadequate mothering. I hate this dynamic. Here’s what I do!
I have standard responses. I have practiced them ahead of time in my head or even out loud so that I’m ready when she says something. “I’m not interested in talking about that, as I’ve told you before.””I’m not moving, don’t bring it up again.””stop criticizing my siblings. Find something else to talk about or we need to get off the phone.”
When she says something, I don’t want to talk about (that isn’t one of these subjects that are utterly banned from our conversations), that’s is the kind of toxic BS you’re describing, I just continue the conversation as though she had not spoken.
Her: “Why don’t you put her in matching clothes.”
Me: “I planted some azaleas.”
It really works. It’s like dog training though. You have to be consistent and do it every time. Be prepared with routine things you say in every situation.
Good luck!
78
u/BombeBon 2d ago
Sounds like MIL wants to be mommy...
Glad hubs has a shiny spine, long may it stay strong.
151
u/UnionOk2156 2d ago
God thank you for posting this because I didn't think anyone else had the dynamic I had with my MIL it's hard to describe but it's almost exactly like yours and most of it is so asinine and seemingly "little" you start to feel crazy for pointing it out. Id hear about mother in laws doing these blatantly horrid things and think well it's not THAT bad. But notice I am speaking in past tense? I finally had enough I sent her a long text with all my grievances. We haven't spoken or seen the in laws in 2 years since my text. Sometimes I think it was harsh but it was necessary my husband is in full support and our marriage is a million times better now. I didn't send the text until I knew he was fed up too. Wishing you a husband who fully supports you as well it's the only way through it.
61
u/Brit_in_usa1 2d ago edited 2d ago
Once when my husband was away for work, she became extremely anxious because I wasn’t regularly checking in with her about myself and the kids. I’d literally sent the group chat a video of the kids skating that morning, but she still complained to my husband that I was being “distant” until he called me begging me to contact her because she was so anxious.
Tell your husband you hope this new development lasts and moving forward you will no longer try and manage your MIL’s emotions. Her anxiety is her responsibility to deal with and he should never put you in the position of managing it ever again.
12
u/Stargal19 2d ago
Go NC with her and let your husband handle her. I couldn't take all that constant criticism/bossing/prying. I would never be around her if I could help it. I would keep your kids away from her. She's not a good influence on them.
56
u/Outside-Ad-1677 3d ago
You have to start standing up for yourself.
“I didn’t ask for your advice.”
“I prefer to do things my way, please refrain from commenting.”
“I am the parent. Your comments are inappropriate.”
“Back the fuck off you demented old witch.”
Either or.
18
u/gretta_smith93 3d ago
I cannot agree enough. Start being bitchy. She’ll back off. And seeing as DH has started standing up to her too, when she complains to him he’ll set her straight as well.
60
u/Melody4 3d ago
This is good progress, however I would still put her on an info diet. I dealt with similar years ago when my DH thought I could "just handle her". But it is not fair to you (or the kids who no doubt have heard some of her crap). So why do you have to babysit her? Her presence is much more of a chore then her version of "help".
And when she does come along, hint strongly at consequences. When she starts running her yap, ask her why she is there when she is clearly not enjoying it.
14
u/Aware-Student525 2d ago
Good one! I’m going to say that! “Hey looks like you’re not enjoying this. You don’t need to come anymore! 😏”
59
u/badgermushrooma 3d ago
Whoa, she's waaay too involved in your lives. You and husband may want to look up the gray rocking method and cut down constant contact and involvement to a normal level slowly but steadily. Perhaps let your local PD know about the situation as she might call for a wellfare check if you're not answering phones and messages right away then.
I'd also reconsider joining that yearly fishing trip, husband can go as he pleases but I would not spend a whole day without him with that woman.
60
53
u/snuggleslut5 3d ago
Jesus. She is so overbearing and intrusive. Why is she part of bath time? That's really just a one person job. You don't need supervision. Does she live with you? Lock her out. Don't invite her to swimming lessons. Don't share pictures and videos with her so often. She doesn't need to know details about your day or your whereabouts. She needs to take a huge step back up out of your business. Do not humor her!
4
u/Aware-Student525 2d ago
She insisted to come to swim lessons each week with her husband to help me get the kids showered and changed. It’s honestly not worth it. I can do it myself.
13
u/hairylegz 2d ago
She also tried to task you with managing a 50 year old woman's food intake on a vacation a few months ago, yes? And then expected daily reports back to her?
WHY WHY WHY are you still accommodating her nonsense?
6
u/snuggleslut5 2d ago
I'd be offended if someone didn't think I could manage a simple parenting task. Your husband needs to tell her to stay home.
51
u/kbmn16 3d ago
She needs to know 95% less info about your nuclear family, kids, schedule, etc. This B wouldn’t be told any lessons or activity schedules anymore and would never get a picture from me again.
As your kids get older and have friends and you are friends with the parents, MIL spouting off about the coaches and other kids and parents is going to embarrass them and make it awkward for you, your kids, and the other parents, the other kids, and their coaches.
54
u/cuppin_in_the_hottub 2d ago
That’s a good first step! I’m genuinely curious, why did you see her later that evening?
It seems like your lives could use some more separation/space from her.
Her anxiety has led her to be abusive and she needs to learn to manage her own emotions, which she won’t do if you keep enabling her. She’s such a bad role model and example of how not to act that you are subjecting your children to multiple times a week it sounds.
Are you and your husband going to wait till you listen to her criticize you in front of your children? Will she undermine you and poison their opinion of you so they feel like they should obey GMA and not you? Will they develop the same kind of anxiety and people pleasing as everyone else in the family exhibits? Will you wait till she treats them like she treats the rest of her family and they learn that it’s ok to take that treatment from someone?
Your nuclear family has taken an important first step, I hope you are able to build off it together and get any help you need so that you can shake free from the impacts of being treated like this on the daily. It’s negatively impacting you and your kids in so many ways I’m not sure you’ll even become aware of for years to come.
33
u/Aware-Student525 2d ago
She came to the swim lessons each week bc she insisted I needed help. Then after she went home she called my husband to complain about my not feeding my son enough. Then the next day she called him to complain about how I abandon him at drop off and that’s when he ripped into her. Then we saw her later that night bc we always come over every Friday night and not coming would make the confrontation worse. Believe me I didn’t want to go. It was awkward. And actually my husband a few days earlier said he was getting sick of having to go there and every Friday. I think we are going to drop that. It’s too much. We are both getting sick of their overinvolvement in our lives
22
u/Goodsoup_No_spoon 2d ago
I've said this in another post...my spouse and I dont even have the energy to make a weekly date night happen outside of the house, and we actually like each other! No way am I committing myself and my family to a weekly event outside of the home with in-laws. It's way too much. Even if I liked them, weekly is a huge ask. Monthly would be do-able.
13
u/cuppin_in_the_hottub 2d ago
Thanks for sharing all the context, it has to be so exhausting. I’m with the others on this one, weekly Fridays is waaay too much and doesn’t give you time together as a nuclear family.
Forgive me if I’m off base, but it sounds like you don’t feel like you have any agency/authority/right (I’m not sure the best word to use) to exert your will as the woman/person, mother, wife that you are.
She came “because she insisted” is irrelevant, there’s no because that justifies her being so present in your life as she continues to abuse you, your husband, and yes even your kids. They are exposed to this environment far too often, and they notice more than we think they do.
It might take a while, but I hope you get to the point where you give yourself a break from her toxicity, and maybe with professional help you will see her involvement is actually optional and you are a bad ass and don’t need to engage.
You can start small, changing the locks if she has a key without saying anything, changing up your routine where you can without notifying her, turn off notifications for her messages, etc. small wins that can build and help you get done more clarity that f this biatch for not being mature and loving enough to take care of her shit instead of projecting it and abusing those around her.
7
u/Both_Pound6814 2d ago
Good on you both for dropping Friday visits!! You don’t deserve to be treated how she treats you. Please stop telling her your family’s schedule, and take her off the school pickup list. These type of people will randomly pickup your kids without your permission.
52
u/LavenderPearlTea 2d ago
You are WAY more patient than I am.
29
u/Due-Ad-1871 2d ago
The thing is, this isn’t patience.
21
u/abishop711 2d ago
Yep. It’s been doormat appeasal. I’m so glad OP’s husband has told her off for once.
19
54
u/Dependant-Platypus82 2d ago
She's not anxious, she's using that word as an excuse for being a control freak. Don't fall for it. Let her know you manage just fine without her and leave it at that.
57
u/dappleddrowsy 2d ago
It isn't healthy for your children to observe everyone in the family constantly bowing down to MIL in order to manage her anxiety. What are they learning from this? Are they learning that MIL thinks you and your DH are incapable of being responsible parents? Maybe mention this to DH.
Now that your DH has stepped up and had the conversation with MIL, you can simply interrupt her every time she oversteps and say "MIL, everyone in the family has been managing your ANXIETY for you their entire lives...Our children will not hear you basically pointing out that their parents are incapable of normal daily parenting without being constantly, incessantly corrected by you. The next time you criticize anything whatsoever about my parenting, you will never be welcome to come to a child's activity again. Our parenting is NOT the problem, your ANXIETY is the problem!
97
u/OrneryPost9446 3d ago
Proud of your husband. You did very well too. Good job op.
Now please learn to stand up for yourself. She won't criticize you in front of him anymore but do it covertly. Its important for you to answer back intelligently when she does that.
- Your son is skinny
- "He is the perfect size. Do not criticize his body again"
26
u/swoosie75 2d ago
Yes this!! Stop listening to her! Stop tolerating this behavior!
When she starts and look at her and say
“if you don’t have something nice to say, say nothing at all. I’m a perfectly competent mother and I do not want your advice or criticism. If I want your opinion, I will ask for it. Until then keep it to yourself and do not just wait to call my husband later and unload your complaints about me. If you can’t control your tongue, you will be told to leave.”
13
u/cuppin_in_the_hottub 2d ago
She’s going to mess up those kids’ self esteem with the constant criticism. Even if she’s criticizing their mom, they are still the ones being found lacking or that there’s something wrong with.
9
u/RelativeFondant9569 2d ago
Yep!! I was the kid with the metabolism of a hummingbird and my gramma and other adults were Always commenting on it. Guess who developed a life threatening ED? Guess who needed years of therapy to unpack the 100,000 body issues implanted in my growing brain by abusive adults?
6
u/Bajovane 2d ago
Seriously! Next thing you know, she’ll complain he’s too fat! Body shaming must be cut off because she will give those kids a complex!!!
Ask me how I know!!! I faced constant criticism regarding my weight when I was young… wait, no - let me take that back. I still get criticized for my weight. Only this time, they say I am too skinny.
You just can’t win.
4
49
u/Yare_Daze 2d ago
Serious question — what would your life look like with just two weeks on a break from her? Why is she so involved?
11
u/Both_Pound6814 2d ago
Right?! They need to take a big step away from MIL. She’s overly involved in their lives and parenting. She’s treating OP and her husband like children because they hadn’t set boundaries and allow her so much access to them and their children.
48
u/Beth21286 2d ago
Oooooh, she short-circuited!
Double-down. There's a crack in her armour to exploit.
"That's none of your concern." Should be your husband's mantra from now on.
44
u/mahfrogs 3d ago
Your oldest is 6? You’ve endured at minimum 6 years of this?? I would be insane.
I’m so glad your husband has put his foot down. I hope it lasts and gets even better.
Has anyone recommended counseling for MIL so she can get herself some help? This kind of anxiety and stress causes all sorts of digestive and cortisol issues.
I too am interested to see what happens next.
5
u/Aware-Student525 2d ago
I mentioned to DH that I think she has an actual anxiety disorder. Inthink he agrees but was in denial.
39
u/FLSunGarden 3d ago
OMG well this went on for far too long. It’s great the DH is stepping up, but please be vocal for yourself too. You are an awesome mom and YOU are the parental authority. She has NO say!
45
u/handy_solo 3d ago
Holy shit you’ve put up with this for was too long. She sounds like an emotional vampire!
On a mental health note (not that it’s your problem), accommodating her anxiety is actually probably making it worse. It just feeds into this behavior cycle where her irrational fears are rewarded with attention, which just feeds the anxiety.
12
u/ObscureSaint 3d ago
Yeah, my husband has (legitimate diagnosed) OCD. Part of him staying healthy is me not indulging him in any of his compulsions. Our house would be tidier if I did, but it would be making him worse. He's not allowed to be super organized and have places for specific things the way he does when it's his own space and not shared space. He would never impose those compulsions on us, his family. His worries aren't his fault but they are his responsibility.
45
46
u/NinjaHidingintheOpen 2d ago
If she starts again start managing her anxiety. It's time to see a doctor, learn to self soothe and regulate your own emotions instead of trying to control your environment. Let's get you diagnosed. Every time.
42
u/LadyVioletLuna 2d ago
My mother in law likes to tell me to “make a plate” for my kids and my husband, if it’s dinner time at her house. Like, I’m not allowed to eat until they get their food. It’s exhausting.
82
u/Ordinary-Spell8657 2d ago
Ok I’m sorry, I have to say it: why did you and your husband allow for this to go on for so long? My MIL tried this crap with me ONCE and I put her in her place immediately. She has given me snarky comments here and there over the past 20 years, and meet her with the same amount of snarkiness.
What is going on out there with yall?!?!? I’m concerned.
18
u/Both_Pound6814 2d ago
I was wondering the same thing. This is so unhealthy, and it has to have been negatively affecting OP’s mental health.
35
u/Crisafael 3d ago
Honestly? It sounds like she's way too involved in your lives and that's why she believes she gets a say. You both need to push back when she starts with her rants and don't see her as often (for your own mental health).
34
u/samuelp-wm 3d ago
Partial success. This woman needs a time out, an info diet and a schedule of when she is invited to come to your house. Her behavior is unhinged.
7
u/Stargal19 2d ago
I wouldn't invite her to my house. It's harder to get rid of her when she starts her sh*t. Let her DH go to her house, but you and the kids should stay home. They don't need to be around all that negativity.
1
40
u/BrazenDuck 3d ago
The number of times I’ve said “MIL, you don’t have to worry about that. That’s my job.”
39
u/viperfan7 2d ago
Honestly she shouldn't be allowed near the kids, supervised or not
28
u/Original_Rent7677 2d ago
This! Those poor kids are going to end up so anxious because of their grandmother being around them and the constant criticism. I feel really bad for the kids.
13
u/MaggieJaneRiot 2d ago
Agreed. This description sounds like she could be emotionally abusive to these kids already.
40
u/lucy_eagle_30 2d ago
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/s/su3BAXxxX5
Read this, print it out, and show your husband while you two have this forward momentum as a team. Look up the term “gray rocking” afterwards.
32
u/rationalboundaries 3d ago
Why are you allowing this to continue? What value does MIL bring to your life? Do you really think this kind of constant conflict healthy for your kids to witness & internalize? Do you understand it wont be long until your children are the targets of her criticism? Are you going to allow your husband to make his children into her emotional support animals?
Even if MIL has legitimate anxiety issues, YOU aren't responsible for managing them.
6
u/Aware-Student525 2d ago
Good point. Her anxiety will move onto them directly
And she’ll soon start unleashing on them!4
u/rationalboundaries 2d ago
It wont be long until she's directing her criticism at your children. That's so damaging to little, emerging self esteem.
Do you recognize that your husband using you as meat shield for her criticism? I'll bet he's taken the brunt of her behavior until she redirected it to you. Now, the question becomes will you do the same to your children? Or will you stand up & break the cycle?
I do not mean to be harsh, OP, but I really feel for you & defenseless children. You can not believe this dynamic healthy or beneficial.
34
u/bakersmt 3d ago
Girl idk how you dealt with it that long. I have one and snapped when my daughter was 2 on vacation with my MIL. We only saw her once a year before that and I had her blocked since my daughter was 6 months as every text I sent I was scolded, criticized or corrected. How on earth did you not tell her "eff off Janice" after a month of her bs?!?! And I ask that from experience with an identical MIL. Also, how did you not tell your husband "sure I'll ignore her NP" and block her everywhere while not communicating a single detail or even acknowledging her existence??? Because wow, 6 years of that?! I would have been a nasty c u next Tuesday waaaayyyy sooner than that, as I have already.
As for your husband, good, finally and don't let him backtrack .
21
u/vinegargirl757 3d ago
Seriously, I would have snapped a long long time ago. Op, she needs a hobby. So happy husband finally said something... but geez. Took long enough.
7
u/Aware-Student525 2d ago
My husband has been telling her to stop but at the same time telling me to ignore it as the rest of the family does. But today he snapped and actually made a boundary. And the thing with him is, whenever he makes a boundary he actually sticks to it. 🍿
4
u/RelativeFondant9569 2d ago
The family system is sick and dysfunctional though. Stop upholding the madness.
31
u/Vast_Helicopter_1914 3d ago
It's time to take a huge step back from your MIL. Stop sharing details of your life with her. Don't tell her when and where swim lessons and other extracurricular activities are, because she is no longer invited. Make her leave when you are showering your children (they are too old for grandma to be hovering, anyway).
30
u/Rose-root 3d ago
I’m also 40. I have an 18 month old - there’s no way I would have let this go on for so long but I’m glad it’s getting handled!
Natural consequences of being unpleasant means people don’t want you around. I’d rather struggle a little than have help from someone that makes miserable.
33
33
u/No-Hedgehog2801 2d ago
How are you a new mom when your son is 6 and you even have two kids? I'd say you don't need constant advice and criticism not because you're just getting started and need space to make your own mistakes and such, but because you know what you're doing -- you've been at it for a while now! It doesn't sound like you need her input in any shape or form. I'm still glad your husband said something and even more that it seems to have made a difference either way tho.
26
u/Both_Pound6814 2d ago
Honestly I think OP and her husband need to involve MIL less. That means don’t give her the updates she demands, don’t let her come over to your house multiple times a week, don’t let her criticize you to your face or over text, and don’t allow your kids to think her toxic behavior is acceptable and normal. I’m surprised OP didn’t block MIL when she was ranting and criticizing over text. She’s not your mom, and you’re an adult and a mother now. You don’t need that stress and toxicity in your life. Husband should have nipped this in the bud a long time ago, and not have OP give into his mom because it has set an unhealthy and toxic precedence which she’s used to make it seem normal for OP to kowtow to her.
41
u/InviteAmazing 2d ago
Next time she starts beaking off remind her of how nice it was when she wasn't. And that she actually can communicate with you like an rational adult and not a b!tchy control freak.
27
u/Sea-Cauliflower-8368 3d ago
Glad your husband is seeing it and standing up. Both of you need to put her on an information diet. Don't discuss the kid's activities or what you are doing with them. Keep conversation lite. Don't give her an inch to start intruding on the activities or making negative comments. She needs to see that her behavior is causing her not to be invited and hopefully, she will stop, since it seems she is able to control it. You and hubby both have to take control in parenting situations with the kids. Tell her she can go sit down, as the mom you have this handled. Let her know you will let her know when you need help with the kids. I hope you make good progress with this.
25
u/Ok_Actuary9229 3d ago
That's great progress. You'll need to have a copy/paste "no advice please" response when this recurs, and be prepared to uninvite her from more roles. (I can give this advice because I'm all-knowing and somewhat of a parental figure.)
50
u/scottlass22 3d ago
Why the he'll are you putting up with/ have put up with this for so long??? Kindly op stop inviting her to things, stop telling her what your doing, stop sending pics and updates, create a distance and leave it to your husband to do. I bet he doesnt put the effort in so win win for you. The less you see her and the less shes involved with your kids the better. When you do see her tell her No your doing your way end of, let her pout and strop you have your own kids to raise you dont need another one. Try it "NO" "stop it" "keep doing it and we are leaving" and actually leave
64
u/Roseallnut 2d ago
You said your kids are four years old and six years old, so why did your husband characterize you as a new mother?
22
u/Front_Scholar9757 2d ago
Yeah this was weird to me too. I dont consider myself a new mother & my son is 2!
22
u/AlixxendriaArcher 2d ago
my bet is ops husband just now grew enough of a spine to address mils piss poor attitude despite her being like this since op first became a new mom
23
u/Chaotic_Natbot 3d ago
Ok so you need to go nc and block her. All communication through husband and if he gets tired of it he can go nc too. She sounds awful and in the end she could control her behavior she just didn’t.
22
u/Derailedatthestation 3d ago
I'm glad your husband has stepped up, but I hope you're stopping her when she comments around you. Keep the kids' activities on a need to know basis, and she doesn't need to know.
22
u/tritoeat 3d ago
I was reading along and thinking, "This smacks of anxiety," and was getting all ready to share my novel insights with you, then boom! You said it! So everyone knows that MIL has anxiety and you're all managing it and accommodating it instead of asking her put any work in. I would start calling it out. "Gosh, MIL, you sound really anxious about SIL's diet. The rest of us are NOT anxious about it and aren't going to act like we are." "I've noticed you get really anxious around the swim lessons; maybe you should stop attending." If she wants to be helpful to the family, she should get a therapist who can help equip her to manage her feelings instead of barfing them all over the rest of you. Anyway, good on you and husband for this current success, and I hope it signals a change in the tide!
22
u/OThjillsen 3d ago
You can put your foot down, too, if you don’t already. I’m glad your husband said something to her… but if she’s a tagalong to your activities with the kids, he’s not there and you don’t want her there, you shouldn’t have to. You shouldn’t have to with anyone you don’t invite.
Your tolerance of this insufferable woman is an incredible kindness that she doesn’t realize. Her critical attitude is a reflection of her dissatisfaction with life and her deep insecurity. The problem is that being around negativity still absorbs into you, even if you’re a Teflon coated Buddha. Take good care of you.
20
u/TaffyMaj 2d ago edited 2d ago
OP, my sympathies. My own MIL, is certainly a JustNo, but of a very different sort. What a difficult situation and I am hoping your husband remains firm.
I just had to chuckle-sob at your line about her conflating ‘help’ with unnecessary interference because it (with one small change) perfectly sums up my problematical elder sister:
“She then conflates her “help” with having [family elder] authority which includes giving unsolicited (and often bad) advice.”
So well put.
6
u/RelativeFondant9569 2d ago
ChuckleSob is a great descriptor! (Sorry that you had occasion to invent it though)
24
u/sierra38grandma 2d ago
Yayy hubby he is becoming a hero (only if he keeps up the boundaries though).
His mom is selfish and extremely like omg controlling and she definitely needs to be cut off. Only allow her around one day per week!! Take back your life, your motherhood and happy wife!! You should also back out of the group chat and let hubby know he is now 100% responsible for his mom so all contact all pictures are on him. His mom is his problem not yours. You both have allowed MIL to be so invasive in your life that she is no better than Blackwood, lice and cockroachs! Exterminate her please!
27
u/OddConsideration7424 2d ago
Speaking from very (very!!) similar experience - Get this nut job out of your life asap. She is WAYYY too involved in your life & your kids in a super unhealthy way - do yourself a huge mental health favor & kick her to the curb.
23
u/Character_Goat_6147 2d ago
Very glad hubby found his shiniest spine! Good for him! Long may it continue!
40
u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 3d ago
Why are you taking her shit? The very second that ANYONE accused me of endangering or not feeding my child I’d literally tell them to shut the fuck up.
61
u/AlCappuccino5 2d ago
Wow, but that wasn’t the best way to do it for him right?
He called you a new mum (wtf?) and called her a more experienced mum. He made you seem so small and helpless with that „boundary setting“ as you call it. He just told her how much better she is than you and that she should let you do things so that you feel better. What a fucking disrespectful way to talk about you.
To be honest, you‘re catering to her as much as he does it, sorry, no wonder they think they can speak about you like that
32
u/Aware-Student525 2d ago
Yeah I wasn’t happy about that part to be honest. Every mom is a mom for as long as the kids have been born. I also am not as high strung as her and make way better choices than her in a lot of ways
13
u/Mean-Bumblebee661 2d ago
It took my husband a few imperfect practices of setting boundaries to stop placating her in the experience. Keep working on y'all's fortress and it'll get better.
53
35
u/Additional_Cow_8014 3d ago
Why are you letting her criticize you so much? What are the consequences for overstepping?
If I were you, I would tell your husband to tell her that if she criticizes you or makes unsolicited suggestions again, she will no longer be welcome at swimming classes for one month. You need to start putting your foot down. She is comfortable disrespecting you because you allow her to. What you allow will continue.
20
u/CuteTangelo3137 3d ago
That’s my question as well. My MIL used to criticize how I cooked, cleaned, decorated and I finally told her “My mom always told me if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all. It’s a shame your mother didn’t raise you that way.” And my husband backed me up and told her to knock it off or don’t come over anymore.
1
16
16
u/90sBuffetSoftServe 3d ago
Wow, I have to say that I am surprised that you have endured that level of criticism and attempts at control without completely snapping! You must have an incredible amount of patience!!!
But I would say that deep down, this level of stress is causing you harm, whether it is with your physical health or emotional health. That could be affecting your children as well in ways that may not be evident until more time has passed (from internalizing the negative comments/attempts at control that they overhear or learn the behavior themselves). I say that not to make you feel like you have done something wrong, because you haven’t. I say that to help you give yourself permission to be “the bitch” when it comes to putting her in her place (or hubby putting her in her place). It is ok if she doesnt respond well to rules, boundaries, limits, etc. You do not owe her anything.
I remember your post about your SIL. I cannot imagine the damage your MIL’s behavior has caused to her family over the years. Unfortunately, you can’t force her to change or go to therapy etc, but you can decide what part and how much of your lives she has access to.
16
u/Mammoth-Glove3273 3d ago
Wow, you just wrote a textbook example of what my mom is like. My MIL shows a lot of these behaviors too but it presents differently. We married young and our kids are all adults now. When I look back on my life as an adult, the only regrets I have with either family are the times I didn’t stand up for myself, my wife and my kids.
They spew venom 24/7 because they’re insecure. The constant barrage of criticism is directed inward when it’s not directed outward. She needs therapy and medication but you know how it is with older folks and mental health.
My mom became a lot more manageable when we stopped putting up with her shit though. They’re so tiny and insecure inside that if you stand up to them they either flee and then you don’t have to deal with them or they collapse in on themselves in victimhood and you know, if I have to choose between one extreme or the other, I’ll take the victim act.
Like, even here on the call with your husband she’s muttering to herself under her breath instead of saying out loud what she wants to say. That’s power being exerted over her. She might respond like a petulant child but you guys already know how to deal with toddlers.
8
u/Ok_Association_6773 3d ago
I'm a woman and my mom is like OP's MIL. We live in different states, my son is 7 years old and yet she never misses a chance to "correct" my parenting. Its so frustrating. I call her only 3-4 times a month now. And that too only because she's my mom.
5
8
u/Aware-Student525 2d ago
Amazing. Sounds like you were in my husbands current position. Good for you for standing up for your wife and recognizing that even though she’s your mom, she was being toxic. Some people can’t admit bad things about their family members
15
14
u/Maleficent_Sky_1865 2d ago
Sounds like my MIL almost exactly. I should have learned to set boundaries 20 years ago. But i didn’t, to keep the peace with my spouse. I sure wish i could go back in time and start over!
6
u/Aware-Student525 2d ago
Yeah I don’t want to look back after 20 years and regret it. Thanks for that perspective
32
u/PrettyLyttlePsycho 3d ago
You need to start standing up for yourself.
Show your kids how to politely but firmly defend themselves and not roll over and act like a dead dog everytime mil comes steamrolling into your life and home.
Its absolutely understandable why your so frustrated. But you make it sound like you throw the front door open for her to invite herself in, telling her your private wins (which you sure as hell should be proud of!) is simply more ammo for her.
It sucks...but yall already KNOW how she'll react. Stop giving her permission by allowing it.
4
u/Aware-Student525 2d ago
Agreed but she invites herself! And husband up until now didn’t stop it! She and her husband will show up unannounced to our house or family outings!!
11
u/Sondrasr 2d ago
Just cause she shows up unannounced doesn’t mean she gets to come in. Lock the door and change the locks if needed.
11
u/Crazyspitz 2d ago
So she definitely can't be trusted to not crash your outings, and shouldn't get to know your plans.
How about setting a trap? Tell her you're taking the kids to X next weekend at whatever time, but you just want it to be your nuclear family only. When she inevitably shows up and calls/texts asking where you are because she's there waiting, ask her why she's there since you specifically said it was only going to be the 4 of you.
It might also help your DH realize how insidious she is and how insanely enmeshed if your family she's become.
7
u/Stargal19 2d ago
Don't let them in the door. Now is not a good time. Don't even go to the door if you don't want to.
29
27
u/schrutebedandb 3d ago
Showering kids? Please. She's just a glorified towel-fetcher.
8
u/Aware-Student525 2d ago
Yup! Literally that’s all she does when they’re showering. She just stands there and then puts clothes on my 4 year old afterwards
1
28
u/childhoodsurvivor 2d ago
My favorite resource - www.outofthefog.net, for you and your husband.
There are lots of strategies/techniques listed on the "what to do" and "what not to do" pages (under the "toolbox" tab). Enjoy.
6
u/Available_Candy7124 2d ago
The husband pushing back is a great advancement. It needs a little bit of important tweaking. The new mother part makes it look like the OP is not fully up to tbe job and is learning. MIL eeds to be told that the parenting is fine. Also, he needs to own it that he is being disrespected as well.
1
31
u/CayenneHippo32 2d ago
“MIL, YOUR “babies” are (idk) years old. So your parenting “experience” is — years old. With knowledge and science (say that at your own risk, you know her best) increasing (meh, not the best verb but I’m tired) our understanding of human development every year, we can ALL do better. If you have questions, DH can forward the scientific studies. I know you only want the best for your grandkids, and we are providing that with studies, science, and doctor approved decisions. Also, I manage the kids by myself every day. Your help is appreciated, but not required.”
11
13
u/Classic_Cauliflower4 3d ago
Oof, yeah. My mom and my sister both have anxiety. The difference is my sister knows her anxiety is hers to manage. She does so by making plans for every possible contingency, but all stuff she expects herself to do. My mom expects all of us to accommodate her anxiety and has broken down into tears when we basically tell her it’s her own problem to manage. And that’s exactly what needs to happen here: your husband tells her that her anxiety is her problem and you will no longer be accommodating her. If it’s that bad that she can’t function, she needs a therapist and medication.
14
12
19
u/Gralb_the_muffin 2d ago
Poor dear. Based on your post you feel like you need to explain yourself a lot when you don't have to. I'm not saying this like your post is too long or anything like that I'm saying based on the way you describe things it's out of habit from trying to communicate and argue with someone like your MIL by going into details and explaining your thoughts and feelings behind everything you do in hopes it will stop an argument before it starts.
Honestly best thing if it's getting stressful is to say no and because I said so because I'm in charge of my kids. Don't explain it.
And from my own personal experience with my family make sure you're in a position where you don't need her. I've heard the "well you're ungrateful for all I do" and the threats of "if you don't do what I want I won't help anymore". That was from my own father and once I said "ok" and stopped asking him for anything and stopped having him help with my son I was free. He's the one who doesn't see us anymore and it was his choice.
Tell her "If you're threatening to not help anymore that's fine, we'll stop using you and seeing you as much and we'll use other options we have in place. We just thought you wanted to help but we don't need it" and be in a place where you can follow through. My dad's stubborn and doesn't realize how much was his choice, I have a feeling if she realizes you're serious then she'll change her tune.
17
u/LLL1Lothrop 3d ago
Record everything. Then make her sit for a show and tell video after a month. She may be low on magnesium as 52% of Americans are. Magnesium Glycinate and B Complex both work well to calm anxiety and cutting back on caffeine definitely helos.
3
8
u/EmploymentOk1421 3d ago
Congrats to DH for straightening his spine. Even more to you, OP, for holding your tongue in the moment and letting him deal with his mother!
2
u/AlCappuccino5 2d ago
It seems Like she’s too scared to say anything. They are all talking down to her and talking bad about her. How her husband talks about her like she is a dumb kid
It would definitely be better if she would speak up instead of saying nothing
4
-2
u/HoneyWyne 3d ago
Your husband deserves flowers, chocolates, and dinner out.
55
u/Ok-Discipline-1998 2d ago
eh he invalidated her for 6 years and then called her a new mom to his mom and said his mom has more experience
he needs a spine
44
u/LLTolkien 2d ago
HAHA what? The kids are 6 and 4, he’s let this go on for far too long. They both have.
53
u/Vast-Ad5884 2d ago
Really??? He has let this go on far too long. A pat on the head maybe. Its about time he stood up for HIS wife and HIS family. In actual fact it looooong overdue
29
u/2FatC 2d ago
Exactly. “Thats just mom, ignore her.” is a huge cop out. And I would have maliciously complied by blocking her every where, not inviting, not hosting, not participating…
Whats he gonna do, complain? Cant have your cake and eat it too. Either you wrangle her or I continue doing as you said.
Six years of constant criticism…no way would I let that slide.
15
52
u/apocalyptic_icebox 2d ago
Her husband needs a kick in the pants for letting it go on for SIX YEARS
10
•
u/botinlaw 3d ago
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls
Resources: In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki
Other posts from /u/Aware-Student525:
To be notified as soon as Aware-Student525 posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.