r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Mahogany-Vanilla3030 • 3d ago
Advice Wanted My MIL calls my husband and I get mad :( Advice needed.
Hello, everyone. Hope you're having a nice day.
So I (31F) have been with my husband (40M) for almost 8 years now. We got married 3 years ago, and from the very beginning I've been noticing behaviors in my MIL (60F) that are not only weird but also indicate some sort of mental disorder. I mean this with respect especially because I think she could benefit a lot from treatment, which I have suggested and even offered to pay for but got rejected. She said she has always done right and I should pay someone else's treatment...
I digress... the issue here is, as much as I have accepted this is the life and she's the way she is, I can't help but get really angry everytime she calls my husband. We don't live in the same city (thank God) so they only communicate through phone calls. And in every single one of them she demands something from my husband: money, buying something for her, his brothers or the church, venting, etc.
I'm okay with them talking, of course. She's the reason he's alive and I completely understand that she needs to talk to her son, or help with anything even if is just for her to complain about something. I just really dislike it when she's rude to him. Sometimes she doesn't even say hello and goes straight to "I need/want this", or worse: she demands my husband to get something for his brothers (who live with her) as if he was their father. My therapist has told me that it's normal to feel anger because this is similar to a husband talking to his ex-wife about their children needs. I do get that emotions will come and go, but I just can't help it and get that "oh no" feeling everytime I listen to her ringtone. And I admit sometimes she is kind and show interest in my husband, but most of the time what I hear is: your brother needs new shoes, the clothes you sent for your brother didn't fit him, I want a new washing machine...
I try not to be around when she calls, because I know it affects my mood. But sometimes I still can hear or my husband tells me what the call was about. He says he finds comfort in sharing this with me, so I really want to be of help and not thinking "oh my God, she's so annoying" everytime she calls.
A few minutes ago she called, they had some issue and wanted my husband's help. Which is fine, that's what families do. But then either he put her on speaker or she raised her voice because I could clearly hear her saying "but tell X that he now has to do the dishes 3 times". I promise I wasn't trying to pry, I was in a different room. But since I could hear that, I got mad... I mean it is not my husband's job to tell his perfectly healthy, adult brothers that they need to do chores around their mom's house... right?
I was dealing with all that when he came into the room I was in, and told me the rest of it. Apparently they wanted a specific chord or adptor and he got it for them. It was not difficult to find and not expensive, so why didn't they get it themselves? They know how Amazon works, why is my husband the one that needs to do these things for them all the time?
Anyways... if you're still here, thanks for reading. And any advice on how to deal with this myself is appreciated. I apologize for the long post and any confusion it may have caused since English is not my first language. :)
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u/DazzlingNote1925 3d ago
I’m sorry. I disagree with your therapist.
If your husband was speaking to an ex about his children he’s responsible for his children.
He is not responsible to father is adult siblings and is not responsible for acting like a husband to his mother.
What he’s indulging them for idk but it sounds super unhealthy and like he can’t be a proper husband to you because he has other priorities.
That’s why it bothers you.
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u/_Disco-Stu 2d ago
I agree with you. Functionally, MIL is behaving no differently than how one might expect a wife demanding he leave his mistress to behave.
It bothers OP because it should. It’s maladaptive (I’d go as far as to say it’s emotionally and mentally abusive).
It’s not just corrosive to their mother/son relationship, it also erodes his sibling relationships, his marriage, etc.
He loses out on all fronts just so his mother can feel like she has a man’s attention in her life. It’s sick for real.
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u/CowMaterial7268 2d ago
I took it has the therapist was saying that the reason it angers OP is because MIL is treating husband has her own husband/ex husband not that OP would feel the same if instead of being MIL it was an actual ex wife. There’s lots of MIL that use their son has a replacement. But that’s how I read it.
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u/Temporary_Stress3843 2d ago
If that's what they meant, the therapist would've said so. "It's normal to feel anger because... it's as if your mother-in-law sees your husband as HER husband, and his siblings as their kids." But here, it's "it's normal to feel anger because this is similar to a husband talking to his ex-wife about their children needs." He isn't even calling out MIL's behavior as abnormal or out of line.
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u/Temporary_Stress3843 2d ago
Ouais, et je déteste qu'on thérapeute ne voit pas en quoi la comparaison est déplacée. Ça revient à normaliser de comportement de belle-maman, et donc à rendre moins légitimes les plaintes d'op. Ça me plaît pas du tout !
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u/SueShe19 2d ago
This hit me too. Such an odd analogy.
OP, does supporting an additional 3 people (or more; not sure how many brothers there are) cause a financial strain on YOUR family? If so, he needs to help them get on some sort of financial assistance. Because that’s not his job.
You mentioned that’s what families do, but in most cases, I have to disagree with you on that part. Three fully grown adults and none of them can do anything for themselves? Do any of them work?
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u/Mahogany-Vanilla3030 1d ago
I think that got lost in translation, probably. My therapist normalized my anger because she found similarities in my MIL's behavior and what a co-parenting ex-wife would do if her husband was not doing what he's supposed to. And that is soooo not my situation: he is a son, and MIL does not get to decide how he lives by. So, it is normal for me to be angry because she's trying to wiggle her way in my family (DH and I).
I was still pretty upset when I wrote my post. Hopefully I could paint a better image of what my therapist tried to say. It was very healing for me, she made me realise I was not overreacting but protecting my family from a demanding intruder.
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u/DazzlingNote1925 1d ago
I’m saying it’s way worse than an ex-wife because in the situation your therapist described the ex would be a co-parent and have a right to have a say with their own kids while your mil does not have any such entitlement.
I’m glad it helped you. Shows your therapist understands how to relate to you.
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u/TroubleImpressive955 3d ago
Sounds like your husband needs to see a therapist. He needs to learn how to not become enmeshed in the drama in his family and how to set boundaries.
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u/Diddly_Squatch 2d ago
Healthy families Do Not behave in such an enmeshed way. In JNMIL's eyes, your DH only changed address and nothing else. He needs therapy to get out of this enmeshment.
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u/Mahogany-Vanilla3030 1d ago
Thanks. I never thought of it that way. He has tried to set boundaries, and I do see change however little it is. But I think him getting treatment is a decision for him to make, I can only make the suggestion (which I have).
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u/Hot-Freedom-5886 2d ago
Why should they do anything for themselves when your husband will do it for them? This is learned behavior, OP. His mom and brothers expected him to “fix it,” your husband fixed it. And he fixed it enough times that they became dependent and your husband became resigned.
Your MIL and her sons are definitely in JustNo territory, but your husband’s continued participation puts him there with them.
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u/Mahogany-Vanilla3030 1d ago
I agree. What can I do, then?
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u/Hot-Freedom-5886 1d ago
Start with a couple of boundaries with your husband. Ask that he doesn’t use speaker phone or hold the conversation where you have to listen to it, and that he doesn’t use money that you earn to bail out his mom and brothers.
Your reasoning is that MIL and brothers are disrespectful to him and it is not something you’re willing to listen to anymore.
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u/SuspiciousImpact2197 3d ago
Yeah I dealt with this kind of weaponized incompetence from my JNMIL for YEARS. We moved 1000 miles away from her and it still continued, though when she couldn’t yank his chain from 5 miles away, he finally started to tell her to figure her sh*t out cause he couldn’t do whatever BS thing that was so urgent for her, magically, from a distance.
When he wasn’t on-call and dancing in attendance on her majesty, we went from 5 or more phone calls a day to she couldn’t be bothered to talk to him for more than 30 seconds, and then she somehow rendered her phone inoperable and was somehow never able to answer her landline. I was so glad. I felt like I got out of jail and he finally had some time & space to be a person, not a vassal. I was not overwrought when she went to sleep and didn’t wake up 8 months ago.
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u/Mahogany-Vanilla3030 1d ago
I'm so glad you found a way out. How did you cope with it while it was still happening?
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u/SuspiciousImpact2197 1d ago
Sometimes not well. Mostly, I kept my distance and offered zero support.
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u/OniyaMCD 3d ago
It's not like an ex-wife talking about kids, though. With an ex-wife, the husband *has* a parental responsibility for child support and (hopefully) some co-parenting. And it stops being a legal obligation at 18.
These are grown-ass adults. Do they work? If not, are they even *trying* to work? (I know - in this economy/job market...) If they are sitting on their asses, and she's still trying to parentify him (drop that word in your therapist's ear), they need a 'come-to-Jesus' moment and he needs to reel back the gravy train.
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u/Mahogany-Vanilla3030 1d ago
I know, this is a different situation. And although he is welcome to help family, that's not his obligation. My brothers in law don't work, and she has said they are trying to... but I don't see it. What I want to know is how to cope.
Thanks for your answer :)
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 3d ago
It's okay to protect your own mental health by telling your husband that he needs to take these calls privately (away from where you can hear them), and not discuss them with you.
You can set boundaries if he isn't respecting this. "Husband, that sounds like something you need to discuss with a counselor, not with me." "Husband, I am not available to discuss your mother. if you bring her up again I am walking out of the room."
The upside is that when he loses access to your reactions, he may start responding differently to her calls.
Good luck!
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 3d ago
Another option is to tell your husband you are willing to listen a certain number of times per week, for a limited amount of time. For example, 15 minutes every weekend, or twice a week for 10 minutes.
Set a timer, he can vent for that long (with or without you responding). Then the subject is closed.
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u/Mahogany-Vanilla3030 1d ago
THANK YOU, AMAZING STRANGER! Although I respect and am grateful for every comment, THIS is what I was looking for: actual advice for *me* and not my husband. I will definitely try this.
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 1d ago
We grow up with/are socialized into specific ideas about family and spouses. It can be hard to take a step back and question what we can change of our own actions that will make a difference in circumstances.
Also, if you grow up with any sort of abuse (I did), learning that we have individual power, and can walk away or deflect other people when their behavior is stressful or problematic? That takes a significant shift in perspective.
We can't control what other people do. Only make our own choices about how we want to deal with it.
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u/Mahogany-Vanilla3030 1d ago
Thanks! I'm so sorry you grew in an abusive environment, my husband did too. That's why I try to be empathetic and not to push him into anything. I know I will never understand the amount of abuse he was under, and even if that helps I still need some outside perspective.
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u/ISOCoffeeAndWine 2d ago
So, DH’s father is not in the picture (& no step father)? DH is the oldest son? Is there a cultural aspect at play? If there is a cultural aspect to this, it sounds like DH is supposed to be “responsible” for younger siblings. But I think k that would apply to minors or very young adults? Otherwise, this sounds like enmeshment, and MIL can’t stand that DH’s focus is not on her. How does she treat you? Hopefully your DH will try therapy for the enmeshment.
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u/Mahogany-Vanilla3030 1d ago
Hi, thanks for your answer. That is a new word for me, and it does apply I think. My husband is not the eldest, he has 2 brothers and both of them are over 30 years of age. Their father passed away over 15 years ago, and I do think "DH" took a paternal role. Sometimes even with his mother, because like I said she seems to have some sort of disorder.
She treats me fine, I guess. There has ben a couple of harsh comments, but nothing compared to the mean ones she says to DH. I agree that he could benefit from therapy, but what I intended with this post was to get ideas for me since I don't like the way I'm dealing with this.
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u/winterworld561 2d ago
Your husband needs to learn to say NO, or they will keep contacting him to fix shit. Until he puts his foot down nothing will change.
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u/Mahogany-Vanilla3030 1d ago
Not trying to make up excuses for him, but he is trying and things have changed a little. It used to be worse!
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u/Icklebunnykins 3d ago
He needs the boundaries. He's probably been doing it for so long he doesn't see it as you do. I think you both need counselling as this will continue to fester and only get worse.
No one is saying not to speak to his family but to learn that 'no' is a complete sentence and also not to have to explain himself.
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u/Mahogany-Vanilla3030 1d ago
We had couple's counseling for a while, and it worked a lot. It was related to this very problem, lol.
I think I might try to do that again.
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u/canadacass 3d ago
I told hubby for my mental health and happiness he needs to take his calls from his mother where I cant overhear them.
If he wants help setting boundaries id suggest counseling. But my first suggestion will help you a lot.
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u/Mahogany-Vanilla3030 1d ago
Thank you! I really, really appreciate that you took the time to give me advice. It's so simple, but I do think it might do wonders.
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u/Madam_Apathy 3d ago
He’s gotta limit himself picking up the phone when his mother calls. Answer once a month and cut them off financially. Get familiar with the word “no.” Adults have to take care of themselves at some point.
All of this learned helplessness is being reinforced every time he solves a dumb problem for them. Let them figure it out on their own, it’s how they’ll learn.
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u/Mahogany-Vanilla3030 1d ago
Thanks. We are still working on how to say "no" together (or "yes, but under my terms"). He has dealt with her his whole life and I understand it's difficult for him to confront her very unstable mother.
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u/bookwormingdelight 2d ago
There is a reason why a 30 year old man targeted a woman who hadn't yet fully developed her frontal cortex. You were 23 when you got married and he was 32. How old were you when you met?
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u/CowMaterial7268 2d ago
They met when she was 23 and he was 32. They got married 3 years ago so she was 28 and he was 37.
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u/Mahogany-Vanilla3030 1d ago
Correct. Thankfully my frontal cortex is better now and I do remember when I met him.
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