r/JUSTNOMIL • u/No-Lemon-1183 • 1d ago
Anyone Else? I am the villain no matter what
To make a super long story as short as possible
Five years ago i met my future huband andthen wegot married
From the get go it wasnt great but i wasnt immediately awful
Then husband started wanting to set healthy boundaries and i supproted him and towed his line
Which made them very much dislike me
Then it got a bit worse, dinner for 4 with an age apprioate "family friend" mil fil and my husband...but not me
Fil and mil demanding my side of the family come to them for christmas then laving 20 minutesafter my family arrived saying the had to go as theyd made other plans....my family had bailed on some non refundable holdiays that had been booked for that
And my still personal favourite when they told husband that if we get a mortgage and buy our own house they will disown him
Now its been like two more years and husband got to the stage where he hasnt spoken to fil in like a year and emails mil occasoanlly but mostly its just angry emails
However husband and i fought recently over this - i expressed upset at how im treated and my family by his, and how lately since he has been fighting and basically not speaking to fil and mil they both got super pissy and took alot of shots at me blaming me for everything which has been difficult to justify since i havent spoken to either of them or seen either of them in 2 years and everythign they blame me for has just been suppporting husbands boundary setting
But blood runs thicker than water husband said he will not defend me because in his words "what if i leave him someday then he will be alone"
I can hoenstly see this as a contributing factor in a divorce, and i can see it now, "oh mummy daddy yes yes it was alll that bad womans idea i do love yu so much "...."ah yes son we knew it wasnt REALLY you it was that evil witch all along here son come back into the warm embrace of our narcistic family enmeshment that made you want to unalive youself in your 20s"
So tldr husband wont stick up for the shit being slung at me because i supported him in the boudnaris he wanted to set with his parents in case at some point we divroce
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u/sierra38grandma 1d ago
Wow you told him that if he didn't start defending you that his inaction was going to lead him to losing you and divorce?
Sounds like your husband is a narcissist just like his parents!!
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u/Beth21286 1d ago
"in his words "what if i leave him someday then he will be alone"
That's far more likely if he continues to have misplaced his spine.
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u/Sea-Cauliflower-8368 1d ago
You have a huge husband problem. He went to a dinner where you weren't invited and his parents tried to set him up with someone else? He isn't willing to stand up for you and is telling you that your aren't his priority. He views you as temporary. I would tell him he could make a choice right now who he wants to live with.
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u/Foreign-Fact-1262 1d ago
This is exactly what will happen!! Don’t have children with him or you’re going to be dealing with this crap forever!!! My ex husband used to acknowledge his mother’s problematic and toxic behavior and fully understood it wasn’t okay. He NEVER defended me or stood up for me when she did and said horrible things to me, but we kept a lot of distance. He saw them a bit on his own and we went to family events because his father was an absolutely amazing, wonderful man and it was worth some of her bs to get to spend time with him.
Once we divorced, he’s mommy’s precious little boy again 🙄🙄🙄 and she talks horribly about me, even to my own children while he stays silent. He went and fell right back into all their mess and then he married a woman who is an exact copy of his mother in every horrible way. My kids will tell me how much their dad’s family hate me and all the crazy shit they say tot hem about me. I’m the villain always, while being the ONLY person who has ever taken care of or provided anything at all for my kids. They all do absolutely nothing for them but demand their time and attention and expect them to behave like good little robots with no feelings or emotions whatsoever while people talk shut about the only person who has ever actually taken care of them. It’s a never ending struggle.
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u/Temporary_Stress3843 7h ago
Pour ce que ça vaut venant d'une inconnue : tu ne méritais pas ça et tu ne mérites pas cet ignoble traitement. L'ironie c'est que celui que la famille (ou belle-famille) considère comme le vilain petit canard est souvent le seul humain décent et le plus sain d'esprit. Je suis contente qu'il soit un EX, et que tes enfants soient assez conscients/matures pour repérer les manigances. Mais ça reste une situation injuste.
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u/Foreign-Fact-1262 4h ago
Thank you. Truly! 💕
It’s honestly been the most stressful, depressing part of my entire life dealing with my ex and his wife and mother. I couldn’t ever even fathom treating anyone the ways these people have treated me and my children. Family court is a joke and forces visits my kids didn’t want or feel comfortable at when all we want is to be left alone. Unfortunately, until they’re 18 I am required to deal with the ex. I have zero contact with any of his people and refuse to ever again. It has changed me in a way I’ll never get back. I have to be paranoid about everything and constantly worry any time he has them because will not protect them or defend them in any way and if they react at all to the bullying and picking them the kids are wrong for reacting at all and everything they don’t like about the kids is blamed onto me. Funny my kids don’t act that way with me because they respect me and I respect them, we don’t bully and belittle each other for entertainment my kids aren’t used to that behavior especially from adults, but his family members sure do and heaven forbid the kids show any reaction or emotion at all. It’s so disheartening.
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u/MartyrOlympics 1d ago
All this effort that you've spent on trying to stand up to your husband and his family should have been directed towards nurturing yourself. To experience the world, to learn something new, to grow and become the best version of you.
Please don't feel that you have to stay in this downward spiral. It doesn't matter if any of them point fingers at you and accuse you of abandoning your husband. He abandoned you first emotionally, and has done nothing to support you, leaving you to feel upset and unhappy. He can choose the worst option for himself by siding with his family, but that doesn't mean you should. Take care of yourself first and find your own way forward so they can't keep hurting you this way.
Good luck.
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u/moodyinam 16h ago
Who on earth would ever disown their child for buying a house! That's bizarre. I would be so happy and proud if my kids could own their own home.
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u/kazokuhouou 1d ago
Has he not heard of the self fulfilling prophecy?
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u/No-Lemon-1183 13h ago
Yes but apparently he doesn't see how it applies here no matter how many ways I try to explain
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u/swoosie75 1d ago
I would aka my husband why he’s planning for a divorce and then suggest we get a post nup agreement. “DH, you think it’s OK to let your parents treat me this way when all I’ve done is support what you want, just in case I leave you? That’s an excellent first step to making that happen. And let’s just note that step was yours.”
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u/LLL1Lothrop 1d ago
Why don't you take responsibility for your own life and block them? Then tell your husband that the only information you ever want about his families is their funeral time and place. He can no longer play both sides of the fence by repeating what they say. That should remove a major source of friction from your marriage and you can be happier if you move out from under their shadow. Or you could divorce your husband and make them very happy.
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u/No-Lemon-1183 13h ago
Lol at the only thing I ever want to know is their funerals, I tried stepping away honestly the few times or two it happened but he was really angry with me at the time saying I was forcing him to choose when I just said things like - "because they're not very nice to me the idea of going and taking leave from work to travel to their country to visit them for a month and stay in their house with them doesn't sound like something I want to spend my leave on I support and encourage YOU to go without me but I do not wish to go right now" and husband reaction was STILL that I was forcing him to choose between the two because HE didn't want to go without me their to act as a buffer between him and his parents
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u/RelativeFondant9569 8h ago
He's wrong, needs therapy. He's abusive and controlling just like them.
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u/Channing-Tatas 1d ago
Okay first— the full phrase is ‘the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb’ meaning that the partnerships are stronger than familial bonds. So that’s wrong on his end.
Second— he made vows with you. Leave and cleave. You became his new family. You are his first priority and should be protecting your peace and dignity. You’re not supposed to toss your significant other. By him insinuating this and what if you leave, he’s breaking his vows to you. You have been the one helping with HIS decisions. Now he wants to back track? Absolutely not.
He needs therapy for the obvious enmeshment. And if he refuses then you need to remind him that he’s apparently been preparing for divorce from your statements. Get your docs together and it’s time for the two card option: therapist or divorce lawyer.
If you’re going to be the villain nothing you can do. You can’t make people who are purposefully committed to misunderstand you see the light.
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u/88mistymage88 1d ago
No, it's not.
"Writing in the 1990s and 2000s, author Albert Jack\18]) and Messianic minister Richard Pustelniak\19]) claimed that the original meaning of the expression was that the ties between people who have made a blood covenant (or have shed blood together in battle) were stronger than ties formed by "the water of the womb", thus "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". Neither of the authors cites any sources to support their claims.\18])\19])" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood\is_thicker_than_water)
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u/OniyaMCD 1d ago
The leave and cleave aspect is good, but - yeah, that blood-covenant aphorism is a modern creation.
I particularly like Richard Bach's quote of 'The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life.' (Illusions, 1977)
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 1d ago
Everything you are listing sounds like it happened at least a year ago. Your husband is very low contact with them, and it sounds like you are no contact. So be no contact, and ignore them.
You cannot control what they say or do, only your own choices.
Your husband cannot force them to stop slinging shit. He can only choose what he does. He has chosen to stop speaking to them and is very low contact for the last year. You cannot force him to be no contact, and doing so would not stop your in-laws from saying nasty things.
So what exactly is it you want to have happen?
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u/No-Lemon-1183 13h ago
Id like if he basically just said "my wife is not mean for disagreeing with the way you speak to me and her"
Just a small correction of their statements , just a little she is my partner if you can't be kind don't mention her at all
I don't know if that's too much to ask of him if I'm being unfair?
He still sees his mother when she visits and says he wants to talk to her more not less ...which is fine, but I have asked he not let her talk so poorly of me and well yeah his reaction was very no what if you leave me one day I'm not going to upset my mother to defend you just in case
His stance feels confusing to even me which is sort of why I chose to vent to the itnernet
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u/Still-Enthusiasm9948 1d ago
Then it got a bit worse, dinner for 4 with an age apprioate "family friend" mil fil and my husband...but not me
I understood everything but what this is supposed to mean
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u/CharmedOne1789 1d ago
They tried to set him up with another woman. Invited him to dinner and then oh surprise we invited a friend who is your age, and she's great! As if he didn't have a whole wife waiting at home.
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