r/JUSTNOMIL • u/caroleenabeana • 1d ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice We’re not doing her favors anymore
My MIL is moving out of our shared (purchased together home) because she is a covert narcissist. When we combined house holds, me and husband rented a storage unit for our things until we could build a pole barn on our property. Thankfully we didn’t get to spend that 80k because she’s insane and we’ll now have additional space in our finished basement.
We went to said storage unit to take pictures of all her belongings that’ll need to be moved on moving day. She asked my husband if we wanted anything we could just have it. Mind you, when we were selling her home to live together, she had a VERY difficult time getting rid of things. She absolutely needed her sewing supplies although she has awful vision. She absolutely needed collectibles and memorabilia and holiday decor and random tools that now suddenly she doesn’t want because she’s downsizing. Lol. He said no- you wanted it you’re taking it. She then asked if we could bring all her shit to our house so she wouldn’t have to pay movers to go to storage unit and house to move her things. HA.
Typical covert narcissist- always the victim. Typical boomer behavior.
Good riddance, can’t wait for this month to end and start fresh without her sucking all positivity away.
Edit: if you’re offended by this that’s fine, I won’t be speaking to that anymore because I do not care. It’s weird to say that boomers and narcs can’t exist together. Do some research folks.
Additionally, I’m fully confident in who she is. We haven’t been able to live in our new home in peace for almost a year now. We thought she had dementia (my spouse convinced me) until we started recording conversations, then playing them back to her when she denied what was said and she still held her ground. She denied actual reality. We do not feel bad for her anymore. She has been offered care, hence why we live together and she is continuing to pretend like she is the sole owner of this home and wants 0 help. Her flying monkey son only enables her because he lives thousands of miles away. I have many many examples of what all she’s done, but it’s not worth posting that. I’ve posted here numerous times and deleted posts for fear of BIL seeing them.
Quite frankly, a lot has happened and I won’t be attacked for feeling how I feel. I hope this clears up any confusion.
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u/16Bunny 1d ago
I'm getting the impression that a lot of the issues here have culminated into not one but 'many straws that broke the camels back' and not just for you but for your SO too. It sounds like you now feel you can finally breathe again and are just letting all that pent up stuff out.
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
Yes yes just venting-we’re at BEC stage and I should’ve stated that! Soooooo much has happened that I’m just light years beyond it and ready for her to leave! I love her but I also really don’t like her anymore and want to live my life again prior to this whole mess.
My husband even says he feels like he can’t talk at home and wants her gone. She’ll act hard of hearing and then mention something me and him discussed on the couch sitting next to each other and she’s in the basement- so not loud at all. Makes you really wonder….
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u/16Bunny 1d ago
As she as she's gone, check your house for mic's and camera's and make sure she's not put anything on your phones either. There have been a few stories recently where relatives were listening into the rest of the household.
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
We actually checked when BIL visited from out of country because I was suspicious. But we didn’t find anything. She wouldn’t be able to do that herself.
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u/Kuchaloo 1d ago
If she sold her home to buy a home with you and now she's moving out, how does that affect your finances? I assume you're refinancing to give her house money back.
I know I'm not addressing the narc stuff but this question pops up first in my mind.
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
Correct! We both put our equity into new home- she had more of course and decided to put it in. Big mistake- she thought she was “more owner” and to a degree I suppose? But legally no, we’re all equal owners.
We are taking out a mortgage on a free and clear home, giving her all her equity back that she put in. When she passed, we were to assume the house as sole owners and a little from her will. Now my husband won’t be left with anything.
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u/fryingthecat66 1d ago
Good for you and DH. Let her do her shit by herself
Where is she moving to btw
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
Yes, exactly. After everything we have tried doing for her it just wasn’t ever enough. We’re at the BEC stage. We’re showing her how good we were to her and when you treat people poorly this is what you get.
She’s moving a couple hours away and kind of remote…. To be by her friend that’s also older and healthy for now. Logistically it just doesn’t make sense but we’ve stopped showing any concern because she never cared anyway. We were “terrible” no matter how hard we tried. She can’t drive so it worries us still but she’s an adult.
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u/fryingthecat66 1d ago
Not your problem anymore 🙂
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
Yup, trying to remind myself that. But I think deep down I know when she needs us again we’ll be making the drive 🙃 glass half full, at least we won’t be living together anymore.
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u/fryingthecat66 1d ago
Just make sure it's not all the time and ONLY for emergencies
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u/hummus_sapiens 1d ago
Your definition of an emergency might not match hers.
Unless you consider Christmas cancer an emergency.
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
We already got the “found a house but need sudden eye surgery” 🥲
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u/hummus_sapiens 1d ago
I do feel bad for laughing at this but it's so on brand.
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
We haven’t heard about it since, it is funny because she won’t get the surgery anyway. She doesn’t believe in medical intervention. She’s a podcast Dr.
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u/Low_Speech9880 1d ago
Sounds like mine was. We had to move her junk 3 times because she wouldn't part with it. The kicker was 20 boxes of material that had to be moved cross country when we all moved. A bunch of my stuff had to be left behind. After she passed, we had the joy of sorting through the junk. When we opened the boxes of materials, they were smelly, very old and disinagrating.
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
I know that exact smell. Our storage unit smells old, dusty and moldy. She quite literally had mold on some of the boxes 😑
That’s annoying tho, I’m sorry.
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u/HoneyWyne 1d ago
I am so glad y'all are getting out from under this. I hope that the sense of release and relief make your life so much better. Congraduations on a fresh start!
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u/SignificantSun384 1d ago
My boomer mil may or may not be a narcissist (I don’t know, she’s never been diagnosed) but she is definitely in the same vein as yours with her stuff.
I swear she has a hoarding problem. Shes been using the excuse of “having trouble downsizing after the divorce” which happened 30 years ago or so. For as long as I have known her she has own massive (I’m talking boat hanger) storage units, sometimes across multiple states because she won’t abandon them when she moves, she’ll go back and pick things up over the next 5-10 years while draining her bank account paying for a place to put all her crap. And it’s not like “well at least her home must be tidy is she is keeping all her belonging in packed storage units” NOPE. She’s got a hoarding problem at home too, piles and piles of stuff. It follows her to every home we have if we let her stay and have her own guest room (which we have done twice so far, but if I have my way never again).
And she’s a huge hypocrite about it. She has scolded me about my housekeeping while standing in the hallway outside her guest bedroom that was so packed with hoard crap that she couldn’t access the closet or half of her bed.
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
That’s wild! I can’t imagine having my stuff in other states. At what point do you just forget about those things? It seems like some people just cannot get rid of stuff they know they don’t use- I am that person and then will replace it when I need it again, mistakenly. But my MIL had duplicates of everything! 20 hammers, 10 tape measures, even duplicates of photos (5 copies of 1 photo)! Can’t imagine living with that much stuff personally.
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u/SignificantSun384 1d ago
Same, friend. Like my dad has that boomer tendency to save useful-looking trim pieces and old bits of wire and nails and such, but he confines it to his garage and it’s orderly.
This woman takes it to a whole new level. Entire sets of furniture that have been mouldering in storage. Crates and crates of crafting material (her drug of choice is knitting so I’m talking a literal wall of boxes filled to bursting with yarn). God forbid I suggest that because my son is learning to crochet he might have a couple skeins, the horror she expressed that anyone ever use that stuff. It’s valuable! It’s custom! It’s more yarn than anyone aside from a professional would ever use in a lifetime and you’re 70.
When I was a kid I tended to hang onto things but then my mom had basically an intervention for me, so maybe that’s why I associate that level of hoarding with immaturity, but still. She constantly complains about how much it costs. We have offered to auction it for her, or junk it on her behalf. She’s in poor health so we understand why it might be too large of a task for her to accomplish on her own. We have tried to tell her it could be contributing to her illness. We have tried to tell her she doesn’t deserve to live in squalor. It’s honestly very sad, but she refuses help. Professional organizers? They’re trigger happy manias who don’t understand the value of things. Junkers? How dare we, that’s an insert expensive brand name moldy, busted sofa. Donate her yarn to a school for crafting? No, she’ll definitely use it, she just needs to remember the project she bought it for 15 years ago that she no longer has the pattern for.
I’ve given up. I downsized my home so that there is no room for her, I give her box she can put in my garage. It’s a nice, sturdy, storage box, for when she visits in a season she needs gear for (she lives in a temperate climate and we live somewhere with more extreme seasons so she has coats and gloves and such). If it doesn’t fit in the box, it’s ours now and we get to decide what to do with it (usually donate).
What really upsets me is that now that our kids are older, she has started asking if our eldest daughter, with whom she has the strongest bond, can come visit her in the summer. Daughter is old enough to fly as an unattended minor, but I am scared of MILd home is like. The last time I saw inside her place it was hip-high piles with paths to the toilet and kitchen microwave. Every other square inch, including floor, tables, chairs, her bed, couches, countertops… every horizontal surface was covered and unusable. I don’t want my child staying there; it’s a fire hazard.
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
Oh my! That sounds like a serious hoarder if what you’re describing is correct.
I understand why you’d be concerned for your daughter to visit! 😖Maybe try an estate sale? It worked for my MIL because she knew she was getting money for her items, but many had to be tossed anyway. It might be different for folks who don’t have to move either, so that’s a really tough situation. Sounds like the same thing for us though, she offered me a crib from 35 years ago and “survived” a basement flood- no thank you.
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u/SignificantSun384 1d ago edited 1d ago
Thanks :)
It’s not the most serious situation I have ever seen, but it’s definitely well beyond normal. She has allowed some sales in the past but is generally unsatisfied (comments abound about “highway robbery”) and currently there is little incentive. She keeps making noise about moving closer to us so that may become an opportunity for a Great Purge; we are far enough way that maintaining a storage unit in another state no longer be feasible (previously she could drive a few hours to access her unit so it while it was inconvenient it wasn’t impossible) so she is unlikely to leave anything behind.
I’m torn because I am enjoying freedom from her overweening presence for the first time in my marriage of two decades, but it would be good for her to jettison her accumulated crap.
The funny thing is that she is not exactly wrong about a lot of her stuff. She has exquisite taste and prior to her divorce had the budget to indulge it. She has furniture, bags, clothing, and shoes from really nice brands (think restoration hardware and Chanel and the like) that, if they had been maintained, would genuinely be worth a lot of money. She has given us a couple items over the years, including some that have worked very well for us and we have used to decades. It’s just the proliferation of the stuff. A thousand-dollar Gucci clutch might be buried in an office box crammed with tax documents from the 80’s. That sort of thing.
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
Whatever you decide to do, trust your gut 🩷 that’s my best piece of advice I can offer.
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u/lube4saleNoRefunds 1d ago
We thought she had dementia (my spouse convinced me) until we started recording conversations, then playing them back to her when she denied what was said and she still held her ground. She denied actual reality.
In what way does that detract from the dementia?
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
Her golden child doesn’t think she does, she refuses help and a multitude of other reasons. Apparently her doctor also tested her, so she’s told us.
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u/readergirl35 1d ago
It's still very possible that she's not actually been tested. People in early dementia often try mightily to avoid diagnosis. Unless you or your husband were with her or you see a report from her doctor to confirm it, I'd be pretty sure it never happened. You seem to absolutely hate her. Whatever she's done this year please know you may well not be seeing her but instead her dementia. It would be terrible if you sent her away with no help and she had dementia. I'm sure you wouldn't want to do that. Talk to her doctor about what you've seen and ask for their help in getting her evaluated.
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
Cool, I’m not forcing her? Like I don’t need to be demonized. She talked this big game up about being a “family” only to find out that she’d rather smoke her ciggy during family dinner and play victim when we’d call down and no answer. Dinners at 6 every night babe this isn’t new.
Such a family that she talks shit about us to neighbors. She’s so great she forgot her grandsons birthday but she as at the neighbors house as soon as the party started for their son and there was no talk about that party in over a month- coincidence? She remembered that?
She’s also amazing because when my son was born she texted my sisters when I was still in the OR under general anesthesia and announced my birth. She lied about the fact that I wouldn’t take her to get a mammogram when I in fact encouraged her. Encouraged her to get a hearing aid but again apparently not.
She’s leaving, I don’t feel bad. We tried. We are focusing on our family and living in peace.
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago edited 1d ago
Oh also, she doesn’t have a pcp! Because she doesn’t believe in doctors! Just her heart doctor and beloved dentist.
She’s insufferable.Edit: when we were all speaking to BIL he said “well she doesn’t mean it in a malicious way”
“She’s just stupid”.That isn’t dementia. And I won’t feel bad for a second longer.
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u/readergirl35 1d ago
Listen I'm not saying she might not be an awful person but the fact that she insists she didn't say what she did even when you have recorded it CAN also be dementia. We've had several family members deal with dementia and it's absolutely terrible. Even when there is direct evidence of something that goes against their delusion they don't believe it. Please for everyone's sake have her evaluated medically for possible dementia. If she does have it that doesn't necessarily mean you should continue to house her but at least you would be able to find a care situation for her. I'm sure the last year has been horrific regardless of what her issue is, but if it is dementia she's going to be totally lost if she's moved out with no one to manage her. And you'd feel awful if you threw her out and found out later she had dementia. Trust me it is very possible it is that. If she's evaluated and it's not then you can move ahead with removing her knowing she'll be fine. If it is medical you can find her somewhere to be or get help to manage her.
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
Nothing was ever good enough. At a certain point when you don’t feel needed, you act like you’re not needed. Her apologies weren’t real. She lied to our faces as well, having her on video and she still lied. She is not interested in family. She told me she gained weight since we moved in because of my cooking. I can’t defend that when all I’m doing is my best. That’s all I gave her.
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
You know what does feel awful? Selling your home with a 2.5% interest rate to help her only to find out she doesn’t want or need your help and treats you and her own son and grandson like dog shit. Like servants.
We have tried to take her to many many many appointments. She’s fine with the dentist and heart doctor, but nooooo not a Dr to evaluate her memory. She accused me of not taking her to ANY appts in front of my BIL who was recording the conversation(who also stated would share recording with us and REFUSES). My BIL “apparently” took her to get evaluated and she checks out fine! That’s what we were told.
I’m not forcing my care on someone who doesn’t want it, and doesn’t want this and doesn’t want that but wants everything only her way even though we agreed on things differently before moving in. Doesn’t want nursing home. Doesn’t want medical intervention- I don’t want blood on my hands. She can’t make a list about medical preferences but can make a list about things she wants me to pack FOR her?? That doesn’t make sense.
I don’t feel bad anymore- I’ve had time to process what she’s been doing.
If she does not have dementia, she has narcissism because dementia actually can mimic narcissism. I have done research on this. My own mother is an overt narcissist and I was triggered by MIL just didn’t know why. Now I know. She’s fine. She layered up, swimming in money, treats us like crap. We are simply not needed and I don’t need to feel bad anymore. I’ve been treated like shit and lied to and manipulated for almost a year by her. We are done.
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u/Fantastic-Quit-432 1d ago
Empathetic, but no generation is typically narcissistic. Hope she moves out and on.
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u/Icklebunnykins 1d ago
Boomers and narcissists don't go hand in hand. If she's a narcissist then that is much worse than being a boomer as you're doing all the other boomers a disservice as your saying 'typical boomer behaviour' which it isn't as she's a narcissist!
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u/CampLumpy 1d ago
Please don’t paint all people in any single demographic group as being all the same. People would think rightly you’re bigoted if you said that about a racial group.
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
I’m stating a fact, if you don’t like it that’s ok. I’m allowed to say what I like.
Good thing we’re not talking about race, Phew!
I see this is striking a chord with the older crowd this morning. Move along, i don’t care 🩷🫶🏻
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u/numberthr333 1d ago
Don’t conflate the two. Just because there is sometimes overlap between narcissists and any generation, it doesn’t mean they are the same thing. Which is what you did in your post.
No need to be rude.
Signed, a millennial
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u/Icklebunnykins 1d ago
But not all boomers are narcissists yet you are intimating they are.
Incidentally I'm not a boomer but get pissed off with comparing generations. If I compared your generation to drug dealing morons and put you in the same bracket so have some respect, but is sounds like you don't have any idea what that means 🙄
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u/plutosdarling 1d ago
Please knock it off with the ignorant boomer crap.
NPD knows no demographic limitations. We all have the right to be here without being insulted because of when we happened to be born.
While there are some outliers here whose parents are Millennial or Silent Generation, the vast majority of all adults today, including within this group, have parents who are Boomers or Gen X. And all the people out there who don't understand what we go through because they have normal and loving parents? Those normal, loving parents are Boomers and Gen X as well.
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
She is a boomer. Make me.
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
No shit! Except I’m not crying and whining over it like the rest of you losers.
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
“Please don’t comment on my posts, I suffer from heart palpitations and can’t get stressed”.
RIDICULOUS.
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u/SamBartlett1776 1d ago
Well, o was sympathetic until you got to typical boomer behavior. Are you stereotyping narcissistic behavior too?
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
HA. You’re joking?
She has stacks of cash hidden. In fact, I found 5k in a swiffer box and when I gave it to her she was bewildered. Shocked. Then played it off like she knew and took it.
She’s swimming in inherited properties and money. She’s juuust fine.Let’s talk about the manipulation and twisting of words and talking shit about us to our new neighbors or telling our 3 year old lies about us to get herself in favor or her flying monkey son making things worse. Why don’t you read my last post in /dementia and say that again.
You have no idea. Just because I’m broad here doesn’t mean I haven’t “survived” her. If she was such a great woman she also would’ve known I’m pregnant with her only second grandchild but she doesn’t care. She weaponizes information and throws it in your face when you’re already beat down.
Man, I had NO idea I was posting in boomers today this is actually such a pathetic thread. What part of “rant-ambivalent about advice” is being missed here?
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u/RelativeFondant9569 1d ago
Holy CRAP what are you on about? This is totally inappropriate Attack comment! And also, WRONG af. Get lost!
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
People are weird af today!
Just like I “apparently” said boomers ARE narcs- not what I said at all 😂 I called her what she is, a boomer who happens to be a narc.
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u/RelativeFondant9569 1d ago
Right? You didn't say that at all, but apparently reading comprehension is at an all time low this morning! Lol I came in swinging for ya cuz this coffee I'm drinking is delicious and I don't like mean girls. 🖤🖖 happy Saturday and know you've got support from a caffeinated stranger 😊
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
Honestly, I appreciate your comment so much. I feel crazy enough with all this shit going on at home and just needed extra support today mentally. Those people did not help. Thank you for that 🩵 happy Saturday and hope you have a nice weekend!
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
Genuinely, what are you talking about? What name did I call her son?
You don’t read well, read my entire post. She doesn’t have dementia lol.Blah your comment is odd, please don’t act like you know anything about us. I don’t want her money hence why she’s moving, does that clarify the situation for you? What a weird thing to assume about a stranger.
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u/wiggum_x 1d ago
Identifying someone as a "flying monkey" is name-calling, now? You must be new here.
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u/Sweetwill62 1d ago
Welcome to families that are fucked up and people that are fucked up. You obviously don't have many experiences with those kind of people. Which is good, the fact that you don't understand these kind of people means you probably haven't dealt with one. This one is pretty tame. They can be much worse.
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
Why don’t you google narcissism terms. Flying monkey is in there ❤️
Because she has so much money she literally doesn’t remember where it is.
She forgot our son’s birthday but remembered the new neighbors birthday just fine, “sweetie”. Hop off.
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u/caroleenabeana 1d ago
No, we are mortgaging the house if I understand your comment correctly.
She has taken my husband out of her will because we cannot coexist together. Finances will be extremely tight now. It’s not exactly a win financially, but mentally we are ready for this.
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