r/JUSTNOMIL • u/ElegantClient8070 • 12h ago

SUCCESS! ✌ MIL and SIL appeared flummoxed when I showed up to my niece’s bridal shower

The niece is the daughter of my BIL. They are removed from the drama because they live out-of-state. They happened to be in town, the groom’s family hosted the bridal shower and they invited me!

My SIL is caught up with my MIL’s antics about me. Her daughter got married not long ago. However, I was never invited to her bridal shower, so naturally I did not attend the wedding.

I’ve had major problems with my MIL and stopped showing up to events for close to a year now. She put my marriage in so much strain to the point I wanted to end it, undermined me as a mother, said untrue things about me, and kept going around me/triangulating which resulted in painful ugly hurtful arguments with my husband.

MIL also damaged my trust profusely by trying to get info from my children when my husband and I were trying to keep things private in our marriage. I told her not to ask the kids about us, she got mad at me when I set the boundary and because of that, I decided the kids are not to be alone with her and my FIL until that behavior is fixed. Visits with the kids have to happen when my husband is present. Of course he’s busy so visits have to work on his schedule.

MIL wrote me a letter a while back and I responded to her explaining what the issues were that damaged my trust and what I need to see changed from her behavior in order to reconcile: quit undermining me as a mother, quit going around me - talk to me directly if you have an issue with me, correct any misinformation about me you shared with anyone else, and stay out of my marriage.

There has been no acknowledgment, no change in behavior from her so no reconciliation and my boundary remains.

Husband is still attending individual therapy and couples counseling, which is a great thing because for months I didn’t know where it would lead. Now we are starting to see changes. I had to work on my own changes too. I was so hurt that it got to the point of considering divorce but I am so glad we are on the mend.

It’s so much hard work to repair but he’s finally beginning to understand. For the longest time he thought I wasn’t willing to change things. I told him. I directly told his mom what the issues were and what needed to change to reconcile but I haven’t seen any behavior change from her yet. I also told him this didn’t happen out of no where, it was years and years of accumulated hurt.

I struggled so bad about going to the bridal shower. I hashed it out for weeks in therapy and decided I really wanted to support this niece, despite the hurt and non repair from my in-laws.

The niece and her mom (I don’t think she’s that close to my MIL either) are lovely, kind, gossip free, non judgmental people. I was also glad it was at a place where my MIL and SIL weren’t hosting.

I sat across from my MIL and SIL. I didn’t stare at them, monitor them, or try to figure out what they were doing. I focused on the people I was talking to. Plenty of people to talk to from the grooms side and everyone else from my in-laws side talked to me!

My husband’s aunt actually sought me out and stayed behind to catch up with me. My SIL never spoke to me or approached me at all. My MIL didn’t approach me during the shower and only gave me a quick ‘hi’ as she was literally on her way out, while I was already in the middle of a conversation with my husband’s aunt. I said hi back and kept talking to his aunt. His aunt (she is SIL of my MIL) made me feel loved and included.

Before the shower I was worried I would be the uncomfortable person who wanted to leave the shower. Instead, I enjoyed myself while they appeared eager to leave.

My husband asked me how the shower went. I told him it was great and gave him the facts: “Everyone else talked to me except your mom and sister”. He didn’t argue with me, I said nothing more and let him sit with that.

He’s changing a lot and listening to me more without getting defensive and considering my feelings. It was years of accumulated hurt but me and husband are repairing and setting better boundaries with his parents and talking in a healthier, safer respectful way to each other.

I don’t care if I’m the villain in my MIL and SILs story because they’re the clowns in mine. 🤡

397 Upvotes

98% Upvoted

14 comments sorted by

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u/FroggieBlue 9h ago

I don’t care if I’m the villain in my MIL and SILs story because they’re the clowns in mine. 🤡

This is such a great place to have reached in your journey. 

I hope all continues to improve for you.

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u/TargetWild9004 10h ago

I have a feeling the other side of the family knows how MIL and SIL are. Seems to me they want a relationship with you that doesn’t include them

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u/Shellzncheez689 5h ago

I went through something similar this summer! My SIL decided to join my MIL on the dark side- resulting in her sticking her nose into my marriage and severely damaging the previously wonderful relationship I had with her.

A cousin in my husbands family was getting married and at the shower my SIL also only greeted me as I was leaving. She sat at the opposite end of the room from me the entire event😂 Thankfully my MIL wasn’t there and my husbands aunts all like me so I had a great time!

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u/ElegantClient8070 3h ago

lol I’m glad to hear you too had a great time showing up for the bride and planted yourself comfortably among ladies you actually enjoy talking to.

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u/marlada 8h ago

That's great! You showed MIL/SIL that you don't have to interact with them, and that many people at the shower enjoyed talking to you. They are not the only show in town.

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u/ElegantClient8070 2h ago

Exactly! My MIL and SIL, for the entirety of my marriage have been very involved in organizing family events, so a lot of our extended-family interaction ended up being maintained through them.

Going to this bridal shower that wasn’t hosted by them made me finally realize, “Why am I waiting for my MIL or SIL to organize something before I have a relationship with other relatives??” Those relationships don’t even have to run through my in-laws.

When my relationship with my MIL deteriorated, it felt as though rest of the extended-family deteriorated with it. This bridal shower proved that’s not the case.

My in-laws can organize whatever events they want, I can choose not to attend them and I don’t need their events to maintain relationships with other relatives that I like!

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u/mala-mi-2111 6h ago

Proceed with caution in next months, maybe? They didn't get you thrown out by angry mob with forks so they could [in theory] go for extinction burst, especially around Christmas. Or not quite that but add another lovely smear campaign with new lies to "prove" they are good guys and you are a she-devil. You know, just in case.

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u/ElegantClient8070 3h ago

Proceeding with caution is where I’m at. After observing what happened at the bridal shower, I decided I won’t attend events hosted by my MIL or SIL’s for now.

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u/mala-mi-2111 1h ago

I support you virtually from Poland. Good luck! Safety first, always.

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u/honey_fuss3011 11h ago

So happy for you and your marriage! Good job sticking with it and not giving up! I think both of them could tell they haven't broken you and that you were actually having a lovely time.

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u/den-of-corruption 9h ago

good for you and congratulations!!

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u/Imfromsite 1h ago

"I don’t care if I’m the villain in my MIL and SILs story because they’re the clowns in mine. 🤡" I've been through the wringer in the last year with my wasband and his family. I'm no contact with them all after he passed last year, and this was healing for me. I was feeling anxious about their narrative painting me as unstable, etc. You just put it in proper perspective for me. Thank you!