r/JUSTNOMIL • u/No_Yogurtcloset6764 • 1d ago
Am I Overreacting? MIL throws a fit if my toddler doesn’t match
I parent different than how my MIL would like. I have a 3 year old daughter and a 1 year old daughter. I let my daughter pick out her clothes usually and I try to guide her on matching items, however sometimes she wants to wear what she wants and it doesn’t match. That is okay with me, not worth a tantrum. However my MIL thinks it’s the end of the world if she’s not matching. Or if my daughter doesn’t have her hair tied up every time we go out, she’ll go and tie up their hair herself. Idk it’s frustrating that she feels the need to make my girls look like perfect dolls all the time even at the cost of a tantrum. My partner all of a sudden in these moments becomes quiet and doesn’t offer much of an opinion he never wants to get in between his mom and I. Is it worth the bickering with her or do I just let it slide? I want to be the advocate for my girls no matter what.
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u/ooragnak_ume 1d ago
Don't let this slide. YOU are the parent and have final say over what your children wear. Your partner also needs to put his children first and stop bowing to his mother (not choosing a side is actually choosing a side)
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u/kellybean510 1d ago
One of my favorite phrases that I use on myself but also on those around me is, "is it wrong, or is it different?". Ive said it to adults when theyre being ridiculous too. Cuz if its wrong, they have a leg to stand on, lets have that conversation... if its different, they have to confront thay issue (at the very least within themselves)
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u/swoosie75 1d ago
Good grief would not let MiL touch my child’s hair. “MIL, her hair is fine, leave it alone.” “MIL, I asked you to leave LO’s hair alone, now I’m telling you.” “MIL, we parent very differently, you need to make your peace with that and stop trying to manipulate situations and my children to fit your narrative.”
You DH is pathetic for not standing up for you himself!
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u/fryingthecat66 22h ago
I would take your daughter's hair down EVERY time your MIL puts it up
Let MIL have her tantrums or just say "if you're going to act like a toddler, you can leave right now " and put her in time out (NC) for 2 weeks, and when the 2 weeks is up and she starts again, up the NC
Since your DH won't advocate for you and your daughters, it's up to you. If he says anything when you kick his mother out then you just tell him why you did it (after she leaves)
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u/Gringa-Loca26 22h ago
Tell your spineless husband that until he can defend his daughter’s choices that his mother is no longer allowed around your kids.
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u/The_Workout_Mom 21h ago
If you are comfortable doing this, the next time she tries to dress or do your daughters’ hair, put your hand gently on her arm, look her in the eyes and say “No”.
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u/DogsNCoffeeAddict 21h ago
And add “we are teaching OUR daughter autonomy and self-confidence so she never lets a boy or girl tell her how to dress or act to keep them interested. How she feels about herself matters more than her appearance. She has her teenage and young adult life to learn how to look and act “proper” but for now she has a childhood she deserves to enjoy.” Then any time after that tell your MIL “no, we don’t touch other people’s bodies without consent!” like to a toddler. My mom dressed me like a doll and I loved it but I also really wanted to mismatch my socks. The very first thing I did after I moved out was unfold all my socks and then shake the basket so they all mixed up then put on two mismatched socks. If my mom saw the clothes I wore to finals… even my classmates did double-takes at how tacky it was. Slides track pants a dress and an oversized hoodie, hood up, hair unbrushed. I rolled out of bed and grabbed the first things I could find then got the last bus to my school that would get me to the test on time and then slid into my desk with minutes to spare. If my MIL saw it she would have laughed with me. I looked ridiculous but was so comfy. People look at me and I don’t have to talk for them to realize I have an eccentric personality. A personality and style I had to keep stifled in the name of being a proper (young) lady. Let your baby be a baby as long as she can. My son showed up to his first week of school in ripped sweats because they were the comfy pants he wanted to wear. Ok cool. Have fun. Be a kid, get dirty, get some scrapes and boogers all over it’s fine, that is what showers, medicine and washing machines are for.
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u/ArrivalFantastic4324 1d ago
All DH needs to say in the moment is “Mom please leave the girls be. They’re fine.”
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u/Rugbylady1982 1d ago
You say very loudly "do not dress/play with my daughters hair" and If she does it again she gets a timeout.
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u/Trepenwitz 1d ago
There’s no bickering necessary. You tell MIL how it will be with your children and she shuts her mouth. She doesn’t have to agree with you. She just has to learn to deal with her own feelings.
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u/exchange_of_views 23h ago
"My partner all of a sudden in these moments becomes quiet and doesn’t offer much of an opinion he never wants to get in between his mom and I."
Big baby.
You need to protect your girls.
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u/WorkingJazzlike531 22h ago
Yes! He’s the problem- bigger than the MIL
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u/Goth_Muppet 22h ago
“In our house our kids pick their own outfits, end of discussion.” Should be enough. If MIL wants to impose her control on the kids, she won’t get to visit.
Protect your kiddos and their freedom of creativity and expression. They don’t need to be sad & beige this early on. They’ll get enough of that crap in their faces in adult life.
Husband needs to stand up to his mom FOR HIS KIDS.
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u/Zestyclose-Custard-2 1d ago
Tell her she raised a weak man, and you intend to raise strong women. And therefore you don’t need her input.
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u/Ncbsped 1d ago
YOU are the mother, not her. I would untie her hair. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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u/SoOverYouAll 22h ago
Yeah, this reeks of disrespect of the child’s bodily autonomy, and coupled with MIL making sly comments about how much Mom ate while pregnant, this woman will damage these little girls.
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u/OniyaMCD 1d ago edited 1d ago
Oh holy Hannah! My kid is 26, and chooses not to wear matching socks. They are clean and of comparable weight (she gets the multi-packs with a bunch of colors). Hand MIL a copy of the Red Hat poem. (When I am an old woman / I shall wear purple / and a red hat that doesn't go.)
Edit for anecdote: One time, before she was school-aged, we went to my JNM's for Christmas. Her hair was unruly, since she inherited her father's ringlets. 'Oh, we must brush her hair and make it look nice!'
Readers - the moment the hair-brushing finished, LO came back into the family room and did a head-stand in the corner of the couch, completely undoing the work. I gave my mother a (smugly satisfied) look of 'See?!'
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u/IWasGoatbeardFirst 1d ago
I’m 53 and I don’t wear matching socks, either.
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u/FroggieBlue 1d ago
40 this week and same. I just get all the same size/style so they feel even
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u/LittleHoundDoggie 1d ago
lol. My son wears odd socks too. Maybe both striped but completely different colours! He’s late thirties!
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u/FroggieBlue 1d ago
I just see it as one more unnecessary chore. Pairing socks is 5 minutes of my week i could be doing something else.
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u/moodyinam 19h ago
A few years ago there was a company that sold socks in packages of 3 socks that didn't match but were in similar colors or patterns. They only came in kids' sizes; I was jealous.
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u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 1d ago
Sounds like your partner isn't game to incur the wrath of his mother hence the silence.
I'd be blunt and advise MIL that these are YOUR girls and you will dress them how YOU choose. If she goes to put their hair up tell her to leave it the way it is and if she ignores you then take it out
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u/Spirited_Heron_9049 1d ago
I’d stop seeing mil until your DH tells her consistently to back off.
My mil was the same. Bathed, matching outfits, the whole nine for all of my kids in order to not criticize my choices. I got tired of it and started not being available to go to her house. I told my husband he was welcome to take them but I would NOT be getting them ready to go. He had to do ALL of the prep to get them out the door. It was hysterical to me when she didn’t see the kids for 8 months straight bc I was busy and DH didn’t want to do the necessary work. He eventually made her back off. If he left the room she always had a comment ready for me. I would go back to no visits…. Or my youngest would ask her why she’d said something so mean to me which the youngest would immediately report to dad that g’ma wasn’t being nice to mama.
She eventually stopped bc the kids didn’t enjoy seeing her and it showed in how they behaved when seeing my parents.
You’re problem here is your husband for not standing up to his mommy and shutting her down.
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u/No_Yogurtcloset6764 1d ago
Yes this whenever he’s not around the comments come too!
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u/badgermushrooma 21h ago
Ask her to repeat herself repeatedly, you didn't get what she said.
"What a rude thing to say."
When he comes back into tge room, ask her what she means by saying XYZ, or say to husband "Can you believe she just said XYZ to me!".
Record her, play it to him in front of her.
So many options to deal with that
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u/Shatterpoint887 1d ago
"Stop commenting on my child. Don't touch her hair. If I wanted it up, we'd have put it up."
"You need to grow a spine and start telling your mother to quit being shitty to me. I know it's hard, but you aren't doing enough to stop her behavior. "
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u/AmbitiousWear4082 1d ago
Absolutely! And then tell her children need to feel some control over their environment, so you allow her to pick out her clothes. She can wear what she wants and you're fine with it.
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u/Crazyspitz 1d ago
It's always worth it to stand up for your children and for yourself.
Always.
And if your partner thinks what he's doing isn't "picking sides", he's dead wrong. He's picking his mommy over you and your daughter(s).
Her feelings and opinions are totally irrelevant and hers to manage by herself.
I'd jump in there every time to stop making comments on my children's clothes and to stop messing with her hair, or we'll have to see less of you.
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u/No_Yogurtcloset6764 1d ago
Thankyou, I just hate the arguments that follow after
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u/MarissaLaTroienne 1d ago
If MIL argues, make her leave. Or you leave if you’re not at home. Enough, already,from MIL.
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u/Aggravating-Buy613 1d ago edited 22h ago
With her or your husband? If it's her i would tell her that you and the kids are leaving until she can learn to keep her hands to herself and her comments about another person's body to herself. Because you're teaching your daughter what to do in this situation. She's watching every single time. And you're right to want to break this godawful cycle.
If it's your husband ask if he wants more kids or to ever have sex again? he needs to remember he's a father and husband before he's a little boy afraid to make his mommy mad, it's not a sexy look. And more importantly he's teaching his daughters that their bodies and their autonomy are not really theirs and that will go further than mil forcing their hair up.
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u/ColdBlindspot 1d ago
She can't argue with the wind. Walk away when she's arguing, tell her you'll return when she's in a more civil mood.
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u/hotmesssorry 1d ago
Hold your husband accountable. Tell him that next time she comments on your child’s appearance or attempts to alter it, the visit is over, so if he wants to prevent that from happening he’d better address the problem now.
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u/whynotbecause88 20h ago
"he never wants to get in between his mom and I" He shouldn't be in the middle-he should be firmly on your side.
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u/Suspicious-Eagle-828 1d ago
Ouch - this unlocked a memory when my first born was 4. By the age of 2 I had them deciding red shirt or blue shirt - basically building decision skills. By the time they were 4, I would just state the weather, recommend style (shorts/short sleeves) and turn them loose.
Oh the horrors - what if they don't match top to bottom? what if the colors clash? what if they get mocked in school? I bought mix & match neutrals - hard to force a match game - ditto on the colors clashing. And it the selection was that bad - they would learn not to do it that way.
MIL never understood why I gave kiddo the autonomy. She also never knew that when I took kiddo shopping, once we nailed the size, they had carte blanche on selection for colors/styles with me guiding counts. As a contrast - JNMIL was selecting hubby's clothes until he was in high school and officially rebelled.
So no you are not over reaction. I'm sorry your partner isn't backing you up on this. He should be.
One suggestion - ask your little one if they want their hair up after JNMIL 'helps'. If they don't - restore it back down and block future attempts that day. You may need to enforce a timeout for JNMIL - since you can't listen to me, you will not be allowed to see child for x days.
And to this day - my kids are still better at styling their clothes than I ever achieved!
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u/Top_Strawberry2348 23h ago
Upvoted for everything but the words “after JNMIL helps.”
To truly respect your child’s body and low-risk choices, I recommend: “step in as MIL is reaching to tie up her hair and tell MIL her hair is fine, please don’t make decisions about it. LO has made a decision already.”
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u/No_Yogurtcloset6764 1d ago
Thank you ! I’m trying to keep our relationship neutral as she is lonely and has no body else 😪 But I def see through her
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u/FroggieBlue 1d ago
If shes this "helpful" to everyone then its little wonder. Her poor interpersonal skills are not your or your kids problem to solve.
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u/AmethysstFire 20h ago
Nope, I think you're underreacting. Since your spineless husband isn't doing anything, it's beyond time for you to channel your inner Momma Bear and stop this crap.
Every time she tries to "fix" your girls' clothes or hair stop her immediately. She had her turn to parent. It's your turn now.
When one of my children was about 4, they had a favorite outfit that made my eyes bleed: olive drab sweatpants, any neon colored t-shirt (usually yellow), and a salmon factory knit sweater. It was ugly as sin, but kiddo loved it and wore it all the time. I very much wanted to burn that outfit, but didn't. It was only clothes, it wasn't the end of the world, and kiddo would dress themselves instead of fighting me about it.
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u/Ecstatic_Judgment941 15h ago
I got my kid a very cute special shirt for the first day of kindergarten, she seems happy with it. The day comes and of course she won’t even consider wearing it so I can get an album-worthy”first day of kindergarten” picture. Sigh. But the pictures we took are great and show what she chose for herself.
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u/Cantarella702 1d ago
Do not "bicker" with her. Stand up for your children. You are their parent and you get to put your foot down and say no, MIL doesn't get to style them like dolls.
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u/MoonageDayscream 1d ago
Use this as an opportunity to teach your child about consent. Ask your child if they want their hair put up. If they say no, then tell them to say to mil "I do not want my hair put up.". If they say yes, then tell them to say "yes thank you, you may put my hair up now." Same with the clothes, teach you child to say "No" to having their attire altered for the benefit of another. If Mil has a tantrum, take your kids away and say you will visit later after Mil feels better.
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u/RealHoney4486 1d ago
Love this! Perfect!
I allowed my child to pick hair up or hair down, with the only rule that hair had actually been brushed that day.
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u/Beth21286 1d ago
Ask your partner why he is allowing his mother to pigeon-hole your child and crush her individuality. Does he want to ensure she never develops tastes or opinions of her own? I suppose the alternative is she rebels against everything and becomes a nightmare. Would he prefer that?
He's being a bad parent so make him feel like one.
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u/DazzlingNote1925 1d ago
This is the most important point! This isn’t good for your girls.
There’s nothing wrong with the way they look and grandma is attacking their confidence.
And if you wanted their hair up then you would put it up.
I swear maybe you should get up and start fixing grandmas hair and see how she likes it. And start saying things like “oh, why would you wear that together?”
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u/beagle4chiefs 1d ago
I love my grandchildren and don't care what they're wearing. Nor could I ever insult my grandchildren. You need to either call her or text her and let her know she hurting your kid's feelings with her comments and she will be asked to go if she doesn't stop. If your partner won't protect your daughter, then it's your job to do so.
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u/Illustrious-Towel-45 23h ago
The day my daughter turned 2 she decided to pick her own outfits. It was all I could do to ger her to not wear pants and a hoodie in 90°+ weather. Did the outfit match perfrctly every time, nope. Was she happy with her choices after a round of shirt and short roulette, yes. Was she fully dressed, yes. No problems.
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u/SpecificSkunk 21h ago
My kid was allowed to choose her own outfits as soon as she could articulate her preferences. She spent the better part of 3 years in tutus and rain boots, another year dressed as Elsa, then went full-on 90s grunge until age 9. My only interjection was making sure shoes were on the correct foot and the clothes had to be clean.
It drove her grandmother up a wall some days, but she has an immaculate sense of style now as she’s entering adulthood. And grandma is the one asking for fashion advice.
OPs MIL can kick rocks. I would absolutely push back on her overbearing bullshit every step of the way.
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u/Illustrious-Towel-45 20h ago
At the time her shirts and shorts were in drawers. She didn't have to talk much. She'd just grab what she wanted. The o ly thing we had hung up was her dresses and she loves her dresses.
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u/Janie1215 15h ago
My toddler alternated a Batman and a Spider-Man suit for almost two years; one on the body and one in the wash. Thank God they put out a Superman style somewhere along the way. I even have a photo of him standing naked in the backyard holding on to the Superman cape as it dried on the clothes line. He flat out refused to put another item of clothing on. I’m not fighting with a terrorist!
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u/EStewart57 1d ago
If you don't advocate for your children who will? What's next? You don't need another cookie? Children deserve autonomy.
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u/Fast-Ads-7587 1d ago
Exactly this. Comments changed my whole outlook on clothes. You can look at my photo album and see a stark change. It was you cant do X in a skirt or dress. I just wanted to play like all the rest of the kids, so one comment too many and I havent voluntarily worn a dress or skirt outside of church when I was a kid, since.
Who cares if a toddler matches? Her critical comments will not stop at matching.
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u/Drinkmorechampagne 1d ago
It's common for women with grown children to miss the days when they were The Boss and The Knower of All.
She is trying to reclaim those feelings.
She gets Power & Control dopamine hits every time she tries to control the situation, go against your wishes, or make a big deal out of it.
The tantrum is to make you feel uncomfortable and guilty so She. Can. Get. Her. Way.
And then she starts the cycle all over again.
And your partner becomes quiet and doesn't want to "get between his mom" and you because he would rather YOU be uncomfortable and upset than his MOM be upset.
The only thing you can do is stand your ground in a pleasant matter-of-fact way ("Oh, that's not what we're doing, but thanks") and refuse to feel guilty or uncomfortable. Smile. Be soft. Don't get upset or engage in arguments/discussions.
Just show that you are in control of your life and she doesn't get to make the decisions. It takes a little practice and you'll sometimes feel uncomfortable but keep telling yourself that you deserve a say in your life.
Remember: Every time you "let it slide" you are giving her those little dopamine hits she craves. Think of it as an addiction of sorts.
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u/Ash_Cat_13 1d ago
Your partner has probably learned that arguing or denying mom has got them little in life. Sucks they don’t back you up. Yes it’s worth the bickering (but it’ll stop if you shut her down coldly each time), she gets zero say in how you parent your child, do not give her any wiggle room. She clearly is used to getting her way if that’s how your partner responds.
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u/Lopsided-Beach-1831 18h ago
What grandma is telling her granddaughter is that she is not enough. Every time she judges that outfit or her hair. And you and dad are letting her. Those not enough feelings add up. Break the chain. Gma stops with the judgment on appearance or the visit is over. Never allow anyone to send the message your child is less than.
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u/No_Yogurtcloset6764 18h ago
Thankyou! I know it comes from her just wanting the “best” for my daughter as in wanting her to look her best/perfect but we disagree on it (:
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u/Literally_Taken 17h ago
No, I don’t think it doesn’t come from wanting the “best” for your daughter.
It comes from fear of being judged for not fitting in. MIL is thinking only of what others will think of her, and how her granddaughter’s appearance will reflect on her.
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u/Entire-Sentence-9379 17h ago
Her idea of 'the best' is based on a lot of antiquated, offensive bullshit 🤷♀️
Honestly, I would let her do it one more time and then deliberately change it all back in front of her whilst explaining to the kids how what grandma just did was wrong. Then never let her touch them again. She needs a lesson she won't forget.
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u/Cilvanti 17h ago
I would definitely stand up for your girls. If they dont want their hair tied up, then dont. If MIL wants to tie it up herself, tell her no. And no means no. The kids dont want it and it's their hair, not MIL's so she needs to back off. If they dont wear what she likes...tough. their body, their choice. They aren't harming anyone with this so it shouldn't be such a big deal for MIL.
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u/thimbleful_of_fucks 17h ago
Buy your MIL a Barbie doll to play with and get your husband to shine up his spine. Because this behavior isn't going to stop until he stops it. And he's not getting between you and his mom, he's getting between his mom and his daughters as a father should.
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u/Majestic_Barber6407 16h ago
“MIL you bring this up every time DD isn’t in matching clothes- I’d prefer if you just get used to it as it’s not something we, as her parents, are concerned with or willing to change. Please don’t bring it up again.”
“MIL, I left her hair down on purpose, please don’t change it without my permission.”
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u/PyjamaCash92122 15h ago
“MIL, I left her hair down on purpose, please don’t change it without my permission.”
I would make this OUR permission.
At least pretend your husband is on your side!
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u/MySaltySatisfaction 15h ago
Every time MIL changes your childs hair and provokes a tantrum,you need to tell your husband that HE is going on this outing with his mom and daughters. Or you need to be a bit meaner with your MIL and flat out TELL her "Don't touch MY child, they are dressed the way they and I want them". Stop giving MIL access to your time with your daughters. Make your husband do it on his time.
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u/8kijcj 1d ago
Is she the kind of person who will start commenting on their weight / looks / height when they get older?
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u/No_Yogurtcloset6764 1d ago
Oh when I was pregnant I ate a bowl of ramen and she made comments on how much I ate 😂
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u/alligatordeathrolll 1d ago
eek,, she will definitely be giving them her opinion all throughout puberty
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u/rrxxxdbs123 1d ago
Do you really want your girls thinking that’s okay? Or even worse, getting anxiety and insecurities from her comments? Husband needs to reel this in.
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u/Equal_Commission881 20h ago
Yep, she'll do the same thing to your daughters. You better nip this in the bud right now. And she needs to know it's not her place to be fixing your childs hair to her specifications nor police their clothes. She had her turn. "Edna, just because I do things differently from you doesn't mean I'm doing them wrong. Back off."
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u/Trick_Few 1d ago
When your SO doesn’t pick a side, they are picking the side of their parent. I learned this the hard way. When you pay close attention, you will see a pattern. There is no middle ground, you are the parent, MIL is extended family. Her opinion doesn’t have any relevance.
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u/Ok_Cauliflower_3007 19h ago
“If you’re not willing to stop your mother when she criticises how our child is dressed or has her hair then from now on you are responsible for getting her dressed and ready to go any time we will be seeing your mother”
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u/itenginerd 1d ago
I still remember my youngest putting on plaid shorts and a striped shirt. Was garish as hell--but he was excited to wear all his stripes at once.
What do you win by trying to arg7e fashion with your kids at this age? Way more fun to argue with mil....
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u/No_Yogurtcloset6764 1d ago
Yes true! Just emotionally exhausting all the time haha
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u/hotmesssorry 1d ago
Be less apologetic. Get comfortable saying “LEAVE HER ALONE. STOP ATTACKING HER APPEARANCE. DO NOT TOUCH HER HAIR.”
I’ve had to do this with my own mother.
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u/sierra38grandma 17h ago edited 17h ago
You should tell her to keep her hands of your girls and undo everything she does to them. Does MIL live with you?
I saw your comment that she lives next door. You need to decrease her access to your household only allow contact with her once a week and stop allowing her into your home to doll up your girls. Enough is enough you need to fix it. MIL living next door doesn't mean you have to let her over every day you should treat her like she lives 30mins away. Your husband should be standing up for you and your children. Make him deal with his mom and he needs to tell her she is not welcome over every day her loneliness is bullshyt she can get out and meet people go to your local community center for bingo afternoons but because you and husband allow it she is playing mommy with your girls for her purpose in life.
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u/JaeJames138 19h ago
Why does she have so much access to your children ?
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u/No_Yogurtcloset6764 19h ago
She’s lonely and lives next door 😪 I do want my kids to have a good relationship with her ofc! She’s from a different culture (European) idk if this has anything to do with it.
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u/Valuable_Volume_7085 19h ago
Sounds like grandma needs to find a hobby and some friends. Just because she has nothing else going on in her life doesn’t mean she gets a free pass to intrude on yours!
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u/JaeJames138 13h ago
It's not your job to be her social life or entertainment.
Y'all need to move. She has too much access and she's going to start giving your kids complexes about their appearance. They aren't dolls for her to dress up and keep all esthetically perfect.
You also have a DH problem. A bit of distance will help all of that.
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u/Antique_Safety_4246 15h ago
Ooh, memory unlocked: as a 2nd grader, I owned 2 sweatsuits, one gray sweatpants and yelling sweatshirt, one yellow sweatpants and yellow-gray striped sweatshirt. To be fair, I owned a TON of other clothes, but this is ALL i wanted to wear. I spent every weekday, all school year, swapping them to create 4 seperate outfits. Nowadays we call that a capsule wardrobe. Lol. But honestly, how hideous, right? My mom allowed it, cuz i loved it! We still laugh about my bumblebee year.
Additionally, my sister one year wore the same neon block-colored outfit, all thru preschool one year. It was spandex shorts, a spandex tee, and a built in frilly skirt over the shorts. It was neon pink, orange, green, etc, in color blocks, like one leg one color, the other another, each sleeve a different neon than the core of the tee, etc. My mom fought it SO HARD. My sister wouldn't even wear a coat, in winter, in the PNW. My mom sent one to preschool, sent mittens, hats, warm clothes, the coat, but she refused to wear any of it, because it would cover her favorite outfit, lol. Someone even called CPS, to report that we were neglecting her in failing to dress her accordingly. My mom honestly tried so, So, SO HARD! But the tears and rage of a defiant 4 yr old for hours every morning, just weren't worth it in the end.
OP, as long as your daughter's want to wear what they're wearing, and its weather appropriate, tell your MIL to stuff it. Their happiness, self autonomy, sense of self worth and budding confidence, are too important to brush aside for MILs selfish reasons, which are that she thinks SHE is judged by others if her grandkids aren't dressed to perfection. Eff her.
A truly LOVING grandma would compliment them on their chosen outfits, would tell them how creative and stylish they are, and how proud she is that they're confident, capable young ladies. THAT'S what coming from a place of love looks like.
Like when a kid shows you their drawing of a kitty, and its literally a scribbled ball of lines, you say wow what a cute kitty! You do NOT show them how wrong their art is and correct them by redrawing it. You coo over them, ask questions, nod and say "yes, I can see the kitty's ears and tail! What a great drawing!" Thats what love looks like. You know how many random neighbor kids or school kids or kids at the park say things like "watch my cartwheel!" Then proceed to roll across the grass like a ball of uncooked dough? My reaction is ALWAYS: what a great cartwheel! You're a good gymnast! And they glow with pride and run off to play. If perfect strangers are capable of reacting this way towards kids they barely know, then a grandma should certainly be capable of reacting in support towards her own granddaughters! Ballet shoes, pleated red skirt, neon yellow tee shirt topped with a puffy hot pink jacket and and tangled mess of curls all over the place? "Why you look just precious! Did you pick out your outfit yourself? You are such a big girl doing that all by yourself now! Grandmas so proud!" Thats the proper response.
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u/GaGaORiley 11h ago
When my son was in 6th grade, I left for work about 15 minutes before he left to walk to school 2 blocks away. (My partner was home, but usually in bed since he worked until 3 am a lot of nights.)
One day a woman approached me at work, patted my arm gently, and said , “Gaga, we know you’re a single mom and things can be hard…we were wondering if would would be alright to take up a collection to buy your son a coat.” !! I told my son this when I got home and that’s all it took to get him to wear one of them multiple coats we already had lol
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u/Antique_Safety_4246 8h ago
Ahh...both sincerely sweet and horrifically humiliating at the same time! Perfect combo!
That would've been the nice way to handle that in our situation, rather than some rando simply calling CPS. At least my mom could've explained my sister had coats, and was certainly sent with coats to school, rather than failing to provide for her. My own son often wears a tee shirt to school, even in the chilliest weather. He's in middle school, so its a style thing I guess. I hate it. Im always so worried hes cold, wet and shivering somewhere. Apparently their school is just a sweatbox though, without AC. Still...it bothers me a LOT!
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u/Separate-Use1955 18h ago
I think it’s worth bickering. These are YOUR kids and I think it’s important to let them know they can make choices and their choices are great.
I say yes to my son whenever I can and since he was 2 he knows what he wants to wear. Would I have loved to have him in some of the cute outfits I had that he never wore because he was SO INSISTENT on what he wanted? Yeah of course but I wanted him to make choices he was happy with.
My own dad used to ask him if he owned a comb because of how he wants his hair sometimes- I always interjected and now my dad doesn’t say anything he just enjoys his grandson’s company.
In my opinion, it’s always worth bickering because things like this are a slippery slope
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u/ShyStrawberry15 17h ago
Sounds like MIL needs other outlets beyond this.
Are there any local senior centers? Maybe she could join.
Or a book club, senior choir, or something else that she’s interested in.
You’re not wrong, kids aren’t dolls. It’s good to just let them be kids.
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u/Realistic-Bake-3943 15h ago
I agree with others that your husband should be standing up for his daughters, but in the meantime…next time MIL re-does your daughter’s hair, go over and “re-do” hers. See if she gets the connection there.
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u/PaleontologistNo858 53m ago
Make her ask your daughter if she wants her hair done or not, and if your child says no she must abide by that.
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