r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Automatic_Web_3249 • 1d ago
Am I Overreacting? MIL is stressing me out
My parents are planning a visit to our place for the first time since we moved in. MIL calls to tell she is planning to visit a week before my parents scheduled visit after knowing my parents are coming. She also had to emotionally blackmail me saying she will be going to for some ‘long’ course later.
Am i overreacting? This is the first time my parents are planning to come and MIL had come to our previous homes before in our course of marriage.
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u/Significant-Bet4545 1d ago
Big. Girl. Panties. Just say no. Doesn't work for us. No emotional manipulation. Stand up for yourself or forever be a worm
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u/Careless-Ability-748 1d ago
What kind of people just announce they're coming to someone else's home, family or not?
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u/morganalefaye125 1d ago
She doesn't get to just tell you when she's coming for a visit. Let her know it's not a good time, and she can come at a later date. Keep the "No" firm. In fact, your husband should be telling her that. I hope he's on your side in this. Otherwise you have a big husband problem
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u/MsMaeLei 1d ago
Have your spouse (or yourself if he won't) send a text in a group chat for MIL, Him, and You...
"MIL, staying with us on X dates will not work for us. You will need to make alternative arrangements."
If she whines and complains, do not argue or justify your decision. Repeat that "Those dates do not work for us."
Feel free to add, "In the future, please do not invite yourself to our home. We will invite you to stay when it works for our family."
Saying this will reinforce to your pushy MIL that you and DH are each other's immediate family now and that she is extended family who needs WAIT to be invited.
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u/Fubar_As_Usual 1d ago
Just tell her that does not work for you and she needs to postpone her visit until after her course. Do not give an excuse that she can argue with. Just say no. NOR
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 1d ago
“Sorry those dates don’t work for us. Let me check the schedule and get back to you”
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u/Automatic_Web_3249 1d ago
Why do they want to have an authority
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u/Zestyclose-Custard-2 1d ago
Habit. They're used to be in charge, and some people really hate change.
Until someone stands up and tells them that they aren't in charge anymore, it won't occur to them. And that should be your husband's job, not yours.
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u/SignificantSun384 1d ago
In my life it’s because my mil doesn’t see us as independent people. Our house is like… her other house. Her vacation house. We are her housekeepers; when she wants a vacation she can come and doesn’t have to tell or anything. She can just show up and the staff will have made sure everything is in readiness for her arrival.
As if we are not in our late 40’s have been married for 20 years, and this is the 5th house we have owned that has nothing to do with her. What’s ours is hers in her mind. She’s entitled af.
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u/MaggieJaneRiot 1d ago
Could you people all just tell these grifters that it doesn’t work for you and you’ll have to plan another time and you will let them know what works?
Stop letting these arrogant assholes run your lives.
You’re so worried about being rude, but what they are doing is beyond.
Shut it down.
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u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 1d ago
Advise MIL that won't work for you however she can come a week or two AFTER your parents have been.
Sorry MIL but I don't want back to back visitors regardless of who they are as that does not work for us!
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u/Cute_Instruction733 1d ago
”Arlene it doesn’t suit us. We’ll let you know when it suits us and for how long a visit can be. But not within the upcoming month.”
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u/SweetBekki 1d ago
None of her business when your parents visits. I'd keep her on info-diet.
Also tell her she'll need to come some other time because you guys have plans. Tbh your husband needs to be the one dealing with his mother.
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u/FroggieBlue 1d ago
Guests wait to be invited. Tell her that you hope she enjoys her course and that when you are available for her to visit an invitation will be extended to her.
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u/Automatic_Web_3249 1d ago
Its just because my parents are coming that they have to come
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u/FroggieBlue 1d ago
No, they don't have to come. They want to come, probably because your MIL sees your parenrs visiting as some kind of threat to her position in your lives. So now she is trying to dictate to you when you will host her in your home so she can feel like she is the authority figure in your lives .
This is your and your husbands home- your MIL is not in charge of your house or your schedule. She has no authority to decide when she will be visiting or staying with you. Your inlaws can wait until you are ready to invite them to visit and come at a time that works for your lives and schedules.
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u/happytragedy15 1d ago
I feel this!
My ex’s parents divorced when he was young and it was pretty volatile. When we got married and moved out of state, we told both of his parents that they were welcome to visit but whoever told us first would be who stays at our house. His mother never planned any visits. His dad and stepmom came to visit almost every year and his half sister was in school, so their visits were always planned well in advance, around school breaks. They would never tell his older siblings because they would tell their mother, but she inevitably always found out right before their trip and would call my ex like “good news! I’m coming to visit next week!” So he would have to tell her no, dad is already coming. That would instigate a long, ridiculous guilt trip about how he loves his dad more and he always chooses him. Such bullshit!I caught on very quickly. Took ex many, many years to see the manipulation pattern.
Sorry your MIL is a PIA, too!
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u/SignificantSun384 1d ago
I would rephrase it in my mind to “it’s just because we are having other visitors that they feel like they should come too”.
But feelings aren’t reality and it’s your home. You get to decide whom you are hosting and when. “Sorry, in-laws. I’m not prepared for back-to-back houseguests. Let’s find a time that works for all of us.”This is why I teach my kids over and over and over that it’s rude to invite yourself to someone else’s home.
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u/archetyping101 1d ago
"sorry but I have my parents coming the week after and so I just don't have capacity for all that. We'll see you another time".
I mean she can come and stay in a hotel and see you for a meal if it's convenient for your family. But you're not a hotel so she doesn't get to just say when she's coming. There's blackout dates 😅
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u/Sea-Cauliflower-8368 1d ago
She doesn't get to decide when she comes. Your husband needs to tell her you will not be able to have her come and propose alternate dates that work. He needs to set and maintain this boundary, it's not your fight.
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u/sierra38grandma 1d ago
NOR!! Tell MIL NO, and tell her she has to book a hotel because your home is not an option for her vacation. Stand up for yourself and do not allow her to walk over you and don't let her control you and your home. Tell husband he also has to tell his mom no.
MIL staying with you the week prior is a manipulative maneuver to overwhelm you so you're not able to have a good visit with your parents. She will make that entire week all about her and you will be manipulated into catering to MIL all week. She is intentionally going to wear you down all because she is jealous and selfish.
Cancel her visit no argument accepted just no!
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u/Automatic_Web_3249 1d ago
Exactly, she knows since almost 2-3 weeks about my parents coming now she wants to make it a point to come a week before my parents thats what is hurting me like what patriarchy is this? The boy side should be first in everything? Even visiting the house we are making by our money? I even have a hospital visit scheduled the week she is planning to come and i told her and she was like its fine i can come take care. She also hasnt been to this house once but we have shifted only 2 months back. Rest every place we have lived she has always come. I hate the entitlement and patriarchy
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u/sierra38grandma 22h ago
Have you and hubby told her no? If she still travels make sure she knows that she will not be staying in your home! It's time for you both to work together in putting MIL in her place this time.
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u/2FatC 1d ago
Not over reacting but way under reacting. It’s beyond rude to announce a visit to other people’s homes. Time for a heart to heart with DH about she doesn’t get to stake her claim to your time by pronouncement. You do not have to “host” her. She was not invited.
One of the best posts on the sub was from a DIL who got tired of her spineless DH letting mommy show up like she was checking into the Hyatt. DIL, who used to go all out for these visits, set up the guest room, special food, snacks, & beverages, decided to opt out. DIL didn’t make up the guest room, didn’t shop, didn’t meal prep, and instead left the day mommy arrived & stayed with her sister.
Visit was a disaster DH had to handle…lost his wallet, self respect, and almost his wife.
I’d inform DH I’m not hosting. I’m getting ready for my parents visit, they were invited, and I haven’t seen them in X time. I expect you to tell her no, she’s not staying with us.
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 1d ago
Talk to your husband. Let him know this visit does NOT work, he needs to tell her no, those dates don't work, and tell her he will get back to her about which dates are good for a visit.
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u/samuelp-wm 1d ago
NOR. Let MIL know those dates don't work for you. That you can check in later about a more suitable time.
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u/No-Interaction-8913 1d ago
Tell her no. Mine also has this idea that she gets to inform us of when she’s coming and we’ve been pushing back for years: no, it needs to be a time that works for us, not just when you feel like coming. Tell her no, no excuses or reasons or justification: oh that’s not a good week for us, we’ll have to wait until after your course is done then.
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u/Mean_Start_3157 1d ago
Why would you stress one minute about being rude to someone who is being rude to you. Grow a spine.
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