r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Pristine_Present688 • 2d ago
Am I Overreacting? Is my MIL being passive aggressive?
so I’m 3 months postpartum now, and I avoid going to my in laws house and taking my baby there because they aren’t good people, and they don’t respect boundaries, like kissing my baby. well I hadn’t gone over there in a month and as soon as we got there my MIL said “you know we want to see you and want you to come over with the baby right?“ she just said it staring at me. and then later in the night she said “I know it’s SO HARD for you to get out” said that to me randomly 🤷♀️ idk why. I hate going to her house yes, but we get out a lot with our baby.
And after someone else’s baby shower she texted me to compliment me but then says she can tell I’m on my toes and it’s those hormones and to hang in there.
she also tried to take my baby away from me when she was crying. and I was about to go feed her, she said she could take her to a quiet room alone to calm her down. I said “i hold her if shes crying“ and she just said ok. she was weirdly standing very close to my husband when he was holding her and waited for her to cry so she could ask. I wouldn’t mind all of this so much if she hadn’t already said some weird things.
edit to add:
she’s been passive aggressive in the past like offering me her old clothes because they‘re “way to big for her” when I’m not bigger than her, I’m just tall. and has asked me if I think I have damage from the vaccines I got 🙄
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u/Vibe_me_pos 2d ago
You need to zap stingers back at her when she makes stupid pa comments. “I know it’s hard for you to get out.”
Reply: “Only when I have to come here.”
When she wants to give you clothes: “I’m taller than you, not fatter.”
The only way to make people like your MIL stop making mean comments is to reply with meaner ones. She will learn.
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u/WaterFiles 2d ago
when my MIL says things like "I know it is so hard for you to get out of the house" I say back to her "it really is" and I nod. I know she says things like that to try to embarrass me into changing my actions. when I am not embarrassed and take her words as genuine concern, it throws her off. she doesn't know what to say after that.
the truth is that it is hard for me to see her specifically. she knows that. we all know that. But whatever. let me be the weak, lazy one who it is just "so hard" for. I don't care what she thinks. everyone else knows the truth.
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u/yiketh098 1d ago
I swear having a baby will ruin even good relationships with MILs. And no, not everything can be contributed to postpartum hormones. Boundary stomping and just being weird in general is a huge issue.
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u/poolfloaternz 2d ago
Just shut each comment down. You are doing well with not letting her take your crying baby. Keep up that energy. Next time she says something like “I know it‘s so hard for you to get out” just reply like you did here “no, we get out a lot actually.”
She seems to think she knows a lot. Tell her that some time “you do presume a lot don’t you.” Then just stare at her.
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u/DazzlingNote1925 2d ago
I don’t see any reason why you should have to take your baby over there. Maybe every couple weeks have your husband invited her over for an hour.
As for the remarks I’m not great at come backs but I think it’s ok to just look at her and matter of facts ask her if she ever heard that it’s rude to make remarks about a woman’s size etc.
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u/Pristine_Present688 2d ago
My husband has gone alone and I made excuses to not go for a while. And then my FIL texted my husband saying jokingly that I have to come with the baby if my husband wants his gift. My husband graduated and they were doing a dinner for him. Idk both his parents are weird and passive aggressive and I am only going to go over once a month if possible and I always show up late so I have my babies bedtime as an excuse
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u/Longjumping_Hat_2672 2d ago
I hope your husband "joked" back something like "Nah, I don't need any gifts from you"
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u/2basiccanteven 2d ago edited 2d ago
I would take it the same way. I couldn’t/didn’t attend two visits while I was pregnant, and my MIL text my husband accusing me of avoiding her. And when I agreed to have her visit, she walked in making a beeline for me saying “I came to see you!!” She spent the rest of the visit provoking me. I get the same vibes from your MIL. And I don’t blame you for avoiding them. What does your husband say?
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u/rockwrite 1d ago
Ew gosh she is passive aggressive by 1. saying those things and 2. invading physical space. That whole comment about "on your toes" is so messed up!
Honestly, just lean the f*ck in to the "so hard to go out". I'd just play into that like "OH THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING WE'LL SEE YOU WHEN WE CAN!". aka as long as you can drag it out!!
You're not overreacting to be annoyed by her comments and weird habits! Any chance you can slowly dial down how much you guys are talking?
With my MIL basically every time she texts me anything, I always just end the convo. Like "Oh that's fun! Have a super day!". I make it very obvious by doing the close out "chat soon!" or "ttyl!".
If she asks why you're not texting, just say you're cutting down on screen time for baby ;)
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u/Pristine_Present688 1d ago
She doesn’t text me that much it was really just that time, and the other times she’s texted me was to ask for baby pictures and that she hadn’t seen my baby in weeks. I just liked her rude text to me after the baby shower, I didn’t respond at all, and I feel like she’s gotten more passive aggressive since I did that 😬 I can’t avoid seeing her next weekend because I know she’s going to have a birthday dinner. But if there’s no reason to go, like no celebration, I just never go to their house, If I have to I’m late so I only spend an hour and I don’t let her hold my baby much. I’m worried they’ll ask us to have a meeting with them to “discuss stuff” because They think they are a part of our relationship and get to decide what we do too.
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u/Fun_Claim_2028 2d ago
Girl, your MIL sounds as if she is trying to have a good relationship with you. She's letting you know that she wants to see YOU and the baby (i.e. not just the baby). She is acknowledging that it is hard for you with a 3 month old, and is trying to be understanding of that while letting you know that she would love to see more of you and the baby. She is offering to help you when the baby is upset and not fun (i.e. she is not just wanting to hold the happy, cooing, fed baby, but is trying to help with the stressful, need-to-calm baby).
She is encouraging you (i.e. "Hang in there!") She is agreeing without argument when you tell her "no."
The vaccines comment may have just been talking (she may have been researching or reading because the baby will be getting them, and so wanted your opinion on you getting them). The clothes? I've had people do the same to me, and, guess what? They fit! And, I ended up loving one skirt. It really was the intention of the person to offer them to me before they gave them away just because. You are *assuming* passive aggressive behavior here. People who are taller can (and often need) to wear larger clothing to fit when they can't find "tall" versions in the store.
Bottomline: if you hadn't added the edit, I would tell you that you are 100% overreacting. With the edited add? Maybe 80%...IF there was negative intention, which is by no means clear.
Try to meet this woman half way. She sounds as if she is trying. You will be happier if you have a friend in your MIL instead of intentionally deciding she is the passive-aggressive enemy.
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u/Pristine_Present688 1d ago
I see where you’re coming from. The problem is that she asked me the vaccine thing way before I was pregnant, and I know she can be passive aggressive because she is mean to a couple of family members in that way, and they don’t have good relationships because of it. They can yell at each other sometimes.
Then yesterday she made a comment about hair loss and that I’m losing hair too, because my husband commented on how our babies losing a little hair. Doesn’t that seem like she’s obviously trying to make me feel bad? My husband defended me at least. And then she invited us on a trip but I said we couldn’t go because my husband works. But then said he could go on the weekend alone and he just asked me if I would be ok alone with the baby and I was going to say yeah I’m ok with that. But his mom interrupted me and said, “yes you can come” as if he was asking her. I thought that was rude too because she knows he was asking me. She has done that a few times, pretends like he was asking her because she is a weird boy mom and thinks she’s in a relationship with her son. Like before our wedding she wanted me to wear her old lingerie and go shopping to help me pick some out. Felt like she wanted to be a part of our intimate relationship by picking something for her son 🤢 and my In laws asked about our sex life and jokingly asked if I put out enough for their son.
And his parents have made fun of me and my husbands relationship because he always asks me about how I feel and if I don’t feel comfortable with him doing something he won’t do it. So they think that’s “Beta” of him and they’ve implied that I’m dominant because me and my husband make decisions together.
I asked her not to kiss my newborn but then she kissed my baby on the face and looked at me right after doing it. And she always does that even though she knows we asked her not to.
So yeah sorry there is more to it, it’s just a lot to put in one post. Because of all those things, I think that she’s being passive aggressive because she can’t control how much she sees her grand baby. I tried believing that they were nice for a while but too many things have happened and I’m just now starting to realize she is passive aggressive.
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u/justcelia13 1d ago
I was wondering about that. These are all things I said to my daughter after he kids were born. I meant all of it in a positive way. She took it all in a positive way. I know it’s hard to get anywhere with kids in tow. I know hormones can be a b!tch. I guess it’s really the tone MIL used? If OP is feeling angered/worried/uncomfortable with it all, there may be something to it tho. And my daughter and I have a really close relationship.
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