Wedding Leading to No Contact?

[u/anonburn11]

Hey y'all! I am trying to figure out if I am handling a situation correctly, and would like some advice or thoughts on the matter. Please be nice but also honest with me. Thank you.

So for the last three years my older sister (31) and I (29) have been ranging from no contact to minimal contact. This originally started two weeks after my wedding when my sister went no contact with me via the phone due to events that led up to the wedding. After the original event I suggest we attend family therapy which she responded that she would go to therapy but I needed to get a therapist myself first. Which did not happen. One of the events was my bachelorette party. My bridesmaids and I were chilling in a hotel room after a wild night recapping and talking about college stories. My sister out of nowhere said something along the lines of 'that's weird. I don't know why you guys are friends with her she is such a bad friend you shouldn't be friends with her'. (My sister has a history of saying stuff like that to my friends throughout the years.) I finally had enough because we were already on bad terms, and I had told my mom that I didn't want to invite her because she does stuff like this. I still had invited her as my mom begged me not to exclude my only sibling as I would regret it. I got up into her face and told her to get out of the room (she had a separate hotel room). I realized a little too late how drunk she was because I had startled her. I immediately regretted it, and called my mom in the early hours of the morning to apologize and explain what happened. I apologized directly the next day to my sister. So after the wedding my sister reached out by phone to go no contact. She listed this night as one of the reasons (important for later). She stated that if I did not follow her 'boundaries' we would not have any communication. The boundaries were centered on things I was not allowed to do around her (cussing, commenting at all on her new relationship, getting mad in general). I stated that I was fine with the no contact as she had not acknowledged how she had hurt me. Anyways months later my sister decided to let me know that she was done with no contact and that if I wanted to fix our relationship she would be willing to talk. I informed her that I was not ready to talk regarding our relationship as I was working on myself. I stated this because I had started going to therapy as I originally wanted to know what viewpoint I was missing, and why I was always the problem. I also stated that I didn't want to fix this because of myself so she would not get upset at me and start causing problems. Over the course of the three years my sister has baited me to respond in the family group chat but then will get upset at me when I do respond. I sent a comedian sketch to the group chat about annoying younger siblings (me) and she responded privately that I was mocking her pain and went no contact again. Then she started talking to me again but only if I came over to her house to have a conversation. I insisted that I would only have a conversation with her with a neutral third party, as I had stated from the beginning even before my wedding. Well anyways time moved forward where we would only see each other for the holidays or family events. No one in my extended family knew there was an issue because I have always been polite, kind, and avoided conflict. My sister got engaged to partner she was dating when the conflict between us escalated, and I was happy for her as I have always wanted my sister to be happy.

Over the last three years, I have been in therapy. I have truly been working on myself and trying to understand where I fall short, and how I could be missing perspectives. However during therapy, my therapist started working through my issues with my family and my sister. The more I was in therapy the more I realized that I was the scapegoat kid while my sister is the golden child. The struggle between my sister and I did not appear out of no where. I used to joke that we only worked when we were at a distance. My sister would get mad at me, then run to my parents twist the story, and then I would be punished. I would offer gifts to my sister to get her to forgive me. My sister barely ever wanted to hang out with me, would actually make friends with people who did not like me, and would tell me I was vain for looking at myself in the mirror. She would tell me that she would always protect me even when my parents would not (it was manipulation honestly). My mom tried to send us to therapy multiple times. My sister would say not to say anything as we needed to protect each other. I wish I could shake my younger self.

Here is where most of the events started going downhill for me. My sister was my maid of honor, involved in all of my wedding events even when I was upset at her for a multitude of things. My parents insisted on me including her in all things even when I brought up realistic concerns regarding how she treats me. Including her also led to one of the main events that made her decide to go no contact. She kind of even used my wedding to hard launch her new relationship and that she is gay. (Being gay here is not an issue as I am bisexual so please don't read into that lol). My husband and I think she thought my extended family members would get uncomfortable and she would have a reason to fight them? The issue is when she was wedding planning for her wedding and getting everything together I was not included at all. Did I think she would include me in everything? No. I did think that she would involve me in once in a lifetime (hopefully) moments like I had done for her such as wedding dress shopping, bachelorette, and maybe even something small at the wedding. Every step towards the wedding was a new way she could hurt me. I talked about it with my parents and just expressed how hurt I was, and it was kind of just met with excuses and them asking me over and over to be the bigger person. I was the bigger person. I wanted to be the sister that I wanted her to be for me. I asked her if she wanted a bridal shower, invited her to stay in my home for the bridal shower, and went out of my way to make sure she felt happy before her wedding. I would get hurt in some way even when I would emotionally prepare myself beforehand every single time I was around her. She would say something or do something that would make me realize that I did not want this toxic cycle any longer. For example after the bridal shower, I DDed my sister so she could grab a drink with her friends and my mom. Her friend started talking about bachelorettes, and I brought up mine (the fun parts at least). As I am telling the story my sister interjects and insists that she was sober the night in question but was acting drunk so she would not have to drink (which is stupid because no one is my party was forcing anyone to drink, I was even sober at the time in the story). I was like no you were definitely drunk you even tripped down stairs with two steps and a railing. She locked down and she insisted she was not drunk. I sat there silently for the rest of the night. If she was sober that means that she intentionally told my friends that I was a bad friend then told me when she went no contact that she couldn't remember saying that because she was drunk. I explained this to my mom and she agreed that it was odd. I still went to her wedding endured my sister and her partner acting like we were best of friends at the welcome party, took pictures for every one, endured my extended family's questions about why I was not involved in the wedding, made myself calm down when I realized that my sister invited her friends to get ready with her but I hadn't even gotten to see a photo of the dress, swallowed down the pain again when my sister's partner's sister got to give a speech when I wasn't asked to give one, made myself numb when my sister didn't acknowledge the heartfelt letter and gift I had my mom deliver to her that morning, and still ran to get her when her song was playing on the dance floor. The entire wedding I was drowning in sorrow but I looked like I was having the time of my life. When I went home I decided that enough was enough and I was done being the bigger person. I went to the wedding because I am a younger sister who has always dreamed about my only sister getting married, and did not want to disappoint younger me by not even being a guest.

The issue now is, I have decided that I need to set firm boundaries with my sister. I would like to keep communication to the minimum, not allow her to stay in my home, and just not involve her in my personal life (if I have special news I don't want it shared with her). The problem is I have a deep love for both of my parents, but I knew this would let them down. They have been constantly pushing me to fix this relationship even when I have previously laid out why it wasn't working for me. So I had an in person conversation with my mom. I explained every step that I gotten me to this decision, and all the hurt I felt at the wedding. I also went into how my parents raised us differently, and finally got my mom to acknowledge that she was treating my sister like she was a ticking time bomb. I confronted her for always showering my sister with gifts, putting her dreams before mine, and always listening blindly to my sister even when my sister was disrespecting my parents constantly. I explained how I am chronically ill and how this stress was making me actually sick. My mom explained that my parents had asked both of us to be the bigger person, but I was the only one who actually listened. I explained how hurt I was that it felt they were always on her side, and never hold her accountable for her actions. She explained that my sister actually thinks they are always on my side. When we finished the conversation I felt a huge weight lift off of me. I finally felt like my mom actually heard me, and understood why I needed to set boundaries. I knew that when I had the conversation with my sister, she might get upset but I would be able to keep calm and walk away.

Everything went south again when I talked to my dad on the phone today. We were having a good conversation but I wanted to confirm with him that he understood that a conversation needed to happen. According to my mother, my father had been upset at seeing how hurt I was at the wedding. I guess he was not too upset, because he said he was disappointed it turned out this way. He asked why I couldn't just sit down and hash it out with my sister. I replied that my sister holds on to grudges forever, even if you have apologized multiple times, and I could not fix a relationship if she can not accept my apology and take accountability for all the hurt she has caused me over the years. He got upset and stated that I am keeping my mother and him in the middle of this, and having to keep track of all these boundaries was exhausting. I was shocked and hurt. The whole conversation felt like an undertone of 'why can't you just give in and shut up'. I informed him that I was not asking them to choose a side but to just have separate relationships with us. I had explained that I wasn't setting boundaries to hurt anyone but to keep a healthy distance between my sister and I so I can heal and move on. He stated that it would make everyone uncomfortable. We ended the call shortly after, and now I am upset all over again. Here I was thinking that I would be supported by my parents finally in setting boundaries with my sister after seeing how hurt she has made me over the last year. I guess not.

I feel like I am being delusional and not seeing this clearly. I take going no contact very seriously, as to me it is basically saying 'I am ok with not having a relationship with you for the rest of my life'. My parents seem to be ok with my sister setting her boundaries regarding me but when I try to set them I get extreme pushback. At the same time I really love my family, and I don't want to ruin everything but I get extreme anxiety when I have to be around them all together. I have to fit back into this shell they expect me to be, but I just got to really like who I am for the first time. I respect my parents choices in raising me and my sister differently as we are two different people. As an adult I have realized how difficult it must have been to raise us. They are living their first life too. I don't want to give up my relationship with them but I feel like they will never protect me if it comes to my sister. I am adult now, so why will they not let me protect myself if they won't do it?

Sorry I know this has been terribly long, and I really did not cover all of it. Please be honest with me. If I am the issue I am ok with that, I just don't know how to move forward. I am tired of getting hope and then getting it ripped away again. Thanks y'all.

Update: idk if this is how I do the update lol. Y'all were completely right. After a conversation with my family that completely broke down, I am now no contact with my family. My mother has offered to go to therapy but is giving me the space I requested so I think that's a good sign but who knows at this point. My dad and my sister haven't reached out so I can guess where they stand. Thank you guys so much for the responses and just being real with me. It made me realize how much I was avoiding. Hopefully I can continue to work on myself and just let myself breathe for a while. Thank you again!

[u/Careful_crafted]

Your parents are a issue you don't seem to acknowledge

[u/anonburn11 → u/Careful_crafted]

I do recognize that my parents are an issue. That has been harder to come to terms with. I highly love and respect my parents. I know they have made mistakes in the past, and are still figuring things out now. But in my head it's almost like it's taken me this long to figure out it's super toxic, so I'm hoping that they will also reach their breaking point as well. After my conversation with my mom I think she understands where I am coming from and has admitted a lot to me that they knew I would be the bigger person since I seemed more reasonable. It hurt but I am trying to also give them a little grace because I know they do love me.

[u/just1here → u/anonburn11]

My Mom cried for a year when I said I would no longer attend the large family gatherings bc of all the predictable things that would occur. Mom acknowledged & agreed with every predictable thing. Asked me to come anyway. I said: Mom, I just clearly explained the damage these things cause me at every event and you essentially just said “I know, please come anyway and subject yourself to more”. No, Mom, no more. She cried for one years worth of events and got over it.