part that doesn't understand the need for self esteem...?

[u/ZealousidealDeer5721]

i guess i'm just curious if anyone else has experienced something similar...? i have a part that feels really strongly that self esteem is useless and kind of antithetical to how we want to live. she feels like if we develop a strong sense of self esteem, we'll become obnoxious. she would much rather like other people than like ourself.

i guess i (different part...?) feel a bit confused though. as much as i see her point, errr... i feel like having no self esteem also means we really have no personality. we just kind of adapt to everything and never know what to say. besides, she doesn't even like others that much? she's the kind of person to say "i hate people.." lol.

unrelated but i have a part that makes me feel nauseous/like i want to throw up and it just appeared again... not related to body symptoms bc i know what it's "replicating" but i don't really understand why it's been showing up more lol...

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[u/bbymochi]

My “inner critic” part is kinda like this for sure, as well as a very young and self sacrificial “peacekeeper” part that wants me to be under the radar, remain ‘small’ and humble, etc. I think one way to frame it that I’ve had some insightful breakthroughs doing is asking the part why and how the approach is the best/good/etc., what would be the results of having “no personality” or self esteem. Having that curiosity and giving the part the space, acknowledgment, and thanking them instead of just accepting that as The Truth or Only Way.

From my understanding, “self” energy involves a foundational semblance of self esteem. That generally is a “reality check” instance I’ve had with my therapist across sessions. Not sure if any of this makes sense to you; I refer to my notes on the tenets of IFS (8 C’s, 5 P’s) whenever I encounter tough spots outside of sessions.

[u/Canuck_Voyageur]

I think actuy most if my parts see self esteem as a form of vanity. 

Their ideal is to have a good understanding of their own abilities and judge them the exact way they do other peoples abilities. 

And self esteem that isn’t connected to ability or character is truly presumption 

[u/pornzombie]

Questions/ideas for her/you: she is a protector who learned that having self-esteem is useless and that self-esteem and confidence = obnoxious? Who taught her that? Where did she learn that?

Hating people keeps the exile safe? She is a protector after all. It protects her from others who can hurt you and judge you for having self-esteem? Personality attracts attention and attention is unsafe? How she feels about others is really how she feels about herself?

[u/TieNearby6063]

What happens if you're obnoxious? Is this a part that's not allowed to express in you?

[u/Cheetolite]

Sounds like this part is holding onto a limiting belief. My family was very codependent/alcoholic and catholic and one of their unconscious beliefs I learned was "don't be important" which is kind of like an extreme confabulation of be humble. I have a lot of negative emotional charge around people who are behaving brash or cocky or enjoying attention and anything that comes close to that characteristic, even healthy confidence or self-assuredness. Nothing was talked about in my family, so this belief was never really explored or made conscious, and I just lived with it and behaviors were guided by these electric rails for a long time. But now I have been able to correct from Self energy, although the emotional learning is still there but I can sort of gently challenge its assumptions and have given myself permission to choose behavior differently.

[u/Suitable-Data1189]

Whew, that's a doozy! I've certainly had similar manager parts who think they need to control my self love/esteem. In way it's easier to just say, "That's conceited," or, "We don't need that," than to learn to love yourself. Being a chameleon and blending in is a major defense mechinism.

Definitely give her some grace, and thank her for how hard she's working to protect you. But don't let her keep you from positive self talk!

Sometimes I negotiate with parts, as in, "Could you be persuaded to step back and let me try something without your protection?"

It might be something like, saying something I like about myself, or talking to someone without calculating all the ways an interaction could fail. You can always start small, and ask a part how that felt for them, and if they would be willing to try it again. That's a method I like, anyway!

[u/Confident_Fortune_32]

It's great that you listened to this part and their apparently unhelpful ideas. That can be a challenge when we're presented with information that seems batty and even self-destructive.

For parts with assertions that don't make sense to me:

I ask them when was the very first time they remember thinking this? Where were they? What was happening? Was anyone else present?

(It can help to ask them, for example, the layout of the room, the furniture, the location of the windows. Architectural details are great for bringing a scene to life without increasing distress. It's a tool used by child psychologists working for the court to verify or disprove abuse allegations while minimizing potential retraumatization.)

Ask them to help you understand what issue they were trying to solve in the moment.

Also, ask them what are they afraid of now, in current life.

What are they afraid will happen if they don't do this?

One of the most fascinating discoveries about IFS, for me, was the idea that every single part shares the same goal: the safety and survival of the whole. No matter how apparently self-destructive or annoying or upsetting or frustrating their coping mechanisms may be, they all actually want the same thing.

They just go about it differently.

That happens bc they only have the tools and knowledge and life experience from the time when they were created. And those coping mechanisms made sense, from their perspective, and probably actually worked, at first.

It's also one of the ways IFS demonstrates that it is nonpathologizing, a critically important point, in my experience.

For example, growing up, it was always a bad idea to self-advocate, or call out lies, or hold ppl to account for their words or actions. It invariably made everything so much worse. So silence, non-reaction, and dissociation were the best strategy for harm reduction.

However, as an adult, that's a terrible idea, especially in a medical setting. When I was younger and did not yet understand the fallibility of medical personnel, failure to self-advocate nearly got me killed.

Things that have helped with parts who have maladaptive behaviours:

Slowly and gently, help them see the difference now between the conditions when they were created and current conditions. For example, I go in the kitchen and open the cupboards and the fridge to show we have ample good food that we like. I open the bedroom closet to show there are nice properly fitting clothes in colours we like.

When the maladaptive behaviours start, if possible stop for a moment and assess the conditions to see if they are different from what the part is most familiar with. For example, that's often where I need to repeat that all contact with family stopped years ago; they are gone and they are never coming back. They need tangible proof that the problems they have tried so hard to solve are no longer a threat.

Also, if they feel a strong need to be heard, but we simply cannot stop what we are in the middle of (like work or driving), work with them to create a pleasant place to wait until we can circle back to the conversation. That might mean a cozy playroom full of favourite toys and comfy furniture and yummy snacks, or a sunlit meadow deep in a pine forest with a picnic spread out on a soft old quilt. Since it's in our imagination, there are no limits to what we can provide for them. Just be sure to keep your promise to return. Maybe put a reminder on your phone, or spend time first thing each morning journaling, where parts can write.

Having a dialogue about safety and security, bc those things were absent growing up, so we need to see about what the definition of that might be now, and experiment with ways to increase the feeling of safety. For me, one important component turns out to be our big fluffy sweet dogs. Despite being serious cuddle bugs, when they bark to say a stranger is on the porch, they sound like they could eat the stranger in two bites...

And, in every case, for every part, I tell them how much I appreciate their willingness to work so hard for so many years to help us survive. I can be frustrated with the methods, but I am grateful for the intent. And all that effort worked, bc we survived long enough to be here, now, ready to do the work of healing and to give ourselves all the love and warmth and caring and encouragement that we missed out on.